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One-child families

Got questions about only having one child? Find the answers here.

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Original poster

Does anyone else have a totally “only” child?

50 replies

tattyheadsmum · 06/10/2018 22:50

By which I mean, an extended family with your child being absolutely the only one, no cousins or other child relatives at all?

My DS (2) is the only child in our (not very large) extended family and given that I’m now as old as the hills will always be the only one. Does anyone have any experience of that or any tips? It makes me a bit sad tbh.

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GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 06/10/2018 22:55

This was me. My next youngest cousin was 11 when I was born and my brother is 7 years younger so I was the only child in 18 years. I was doted and still am by all the adults in my family. It was very lonely if I’m honest but I love my own company as an adult.

ArnoldBee · 06/10/2018 22:56

I was that child and I survived. Make sure your child has plenty of opportunities to mix with others. I do find friendships difficult but that could also be just my character but on the whole I haven't turned out that bad.

Original poster

tattyheadsmum · 06/10/2018 22:57

Thanks Georgie. He is doted on, but I do worry he’ll be lonely.

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emmeyebea · 06/10/2018 22:57

I was. No siblings, no cousins, no surviving grandparents and just one uncle. Just me and mum and dad. He died when I was 14 and I lost mum when I was 28. and my only remaining relative, my uncle, when I was in my early 30's.

It hasn't been easy to be honest. No advice really, other than to make sure he knows he is much loved.

BillywigSting · 06/10/2018 22:59

This is ds.

His only relatives even close to his age are my cousins two daughters who are a year and two years younger than him and live in a different country.

He's a very sociable and outgoing kid though despite that, and appears to be fairly popular. There are children in his class/year who know his name but he doesn't know theirs.

None of my friends (outside of school muns) have children either and neither do dp's. One has nieces and nephews but we very rarely see them.

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 06/10/2018 22:59

Ah yes I had no grandparents either.

SputnikBear · 06/10/2018 22:59

This was me. I’m 40 and most of my cousins are pensioners now! When I was a kid they were all adults. It was quite lonely if I’m honest. I grew up surrounded by adults and I was the only kid. I wasn’t used to hanging out with kids at all. It’s less of an issue if the adults play with you and spend time with you.

Original poster

tattyheadsmum · 06/10/2018 23:00

Gosh, emmey that must have been very hard for you. Thank you for replying to me.

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BillywigSting · 06/10/2018 23:05

I was also quite an 'only' only child, despite having lots of cousins I never saw much of them.

I'm very very close to my best friend though who I have known since we were three (she has siblings and says she counts me as a sister too, which I find very touching. We probably spent as much time in each other's houses growing up as step siblings though as our mums had something of a reciprocal babysitting thing going on, to the point where I even had a bunk bed and I had a pull out bed at her house)

I definitely never felt lonely but I'm a bit of a misanthrope and have always liked my own company.

I think being an only suits some children better than others, just as having siblings does.

Original poster

tattyheadsmum · 06/10/2018 23:05

Billy that’s another issue; I was 40 when I had my son so all of my friends either have much older children or none.

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Boyskeepswinging · 06/10/2018 23:06

Yup, my DS is the only one of his generation on both sides. My tip would be for your child to find a sociable hobby or interest as it's such a great way to make friends.

My DS's main interest is music and from an early age I encouraged him to be an ensemble player in order that he would have a large circle of like-minded friends. He sings in choirs and plays in lots of different groups both locally and nationally and stays in touch in between rehearsals via WhatsApp and the Xbox. He's well known at school for his musicianship and this has given him an identity - I am always amazed at how popular he is given how geeky he can be (my nickname for him is Young Sheldon).

chicyc · 06/10/2018 23:07

I have a 6 yo. He has no cousins one uncle who he doesn't see and elderly grandparents. It freaks me out that he will be all alone if we aren't around.. but we are too old to have another now. He is v sociable and I try to make sure we do lots of play dates and after school weekend activities so he sees other children

Original poster

tattyheadsmum · 06/10/2018 23:08

He does go to nursery 3 days a week, so gets to socialise with children his own age there but I just wish he had more children to play with at weekends.

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BillywigSting · 06/10/2018 23:10

We sent ds to nursery for a few hours a week when he was two to socialise him a little bit.

He's five now and his teachers have remarked that he's very outgoing and gregarious and from what I've observed he had no trouble making friends at all (which I personally feel are perhaps just that bit more important when you don't have a sibling).

He's a really happy little boy too and enjoys his downtime at home with me and his dad just as much as being with other children.

And there are no sibling rivalries or squabbles to resolve!

FlashyDash · 06/10/2018 23:10

Our DD is a true lonely. DH is an only so there'll be no cousins on that side, and my DB currently has no DC (nor any plans to have them as yet), plus we also only really have a birthday and Christmas cards relationship for a variety of reasons so even if he did have DC I'm not sure it would make much of a difference. Our extended families are somewhat of a disaster area so that together with huge age gaps means DD is the only child in what we'd consider our family. It's only recently that I've thought about the lack of cousins, aunts and uncles etc. Growing up I had cousins close in age and ones much older, and I was probably closer to the older ones and their parents, but even then it was a once year for a visit type of relationship, so we've never been a big close knit family even when it's been an option.

She's only 5 so a bit too young to notice yet (I'm not sure she really comprehends not having siblings yet to be honest), so I don't really have any tips or advice. I think it's easy to become hung up on the downsides of having an only - and there are definitely some parents who appear to delight in trotting out the negative only child stereotypes.

This isn't how I imagined my family, but we're all happy and healthy and it is what it is. I see friends with multiple kids and large extended families spending time together etc and it's easy to think your dc are missing out on things, but that's glossing over all the problems of bigger families. The squabbling, the rivalry, risk of not fitting in, competing for attention etc. There's pros and cons to both, so my only advice would be to emphasise the pros and try to counteract the cons where possible.

Original poster

tattyheadsmum · 06/10/2018 23:10

I’ve started to sign him up for the usual toddler classes (Little Kickers, Rugby Tots etc) so hopefully that’ll help.

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chicyc · 06/10/2018 23:13

He will be fine when he starts school tatty. Just make sure he has plenty of opportunities to socialise. Take him to all the parties he's invited to. I've noticed that it's less of an issue since ds started school as even his friends with siblings rather hang out with their own friends than their siblings and he has lots of friends. Play dates without parents are common now too so I just always make sure we have a friend around after school to play once or twice a week. It's a pita if you don't really like other peoples kids though!

Lolimax · 06/10/2018 23:15

I’m an only child of 2 only children. No siblings, aunts or uncles, no cousins. You can’t miss what you haven’t got but I wish it had been different.

Original poster

tattyheadsmum · 06/10/2018 23:15

Thanks everyone. He is very sociable, and is always saying hello to other children or trying to start a game. I think, perhaps, I’ve been looking at that behaviour through a “ sad” lens and thinking he must be lonely, rather than considering it a good thing and a skill he’s going to need IYSWIM?

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Original poster

tattyheadsmum · 06/10/2018 23:18

Thanks chic, I do like other people’s children actually! But only since I’ve had my own; couldn’t bear them before that !

That’s good advice re play dates, thank you.

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Original poster

tattyheadsmum · 06/10/2018 23:21

I see friends with multiple kids and large extended families spending time together etc and it's easy to think your dc are missing out on things. This is it exactly Flashy.

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QOD · 06/10/2018 23:22

My sis and I have 2 cousins. They were born and bred in Scandinavia so really being born in the 60’s we were alone

Dd has 11 cousins within 5 miles. Fantastic

chicyc · 06/10/2018 23:24

Yes look at it differently tatty. He is learning a good skill. I am an only too..never felt lonely . My dps tried to encourage me to make lots of friends and I was far more shy than my ds and I have lots of friends who think I'm quite extrovert and sociable so I never feel sad for ds ( although do a bit for me because I do think I would have liked more children if we had started earlier.. but that's another story!)

If we are at the park or on holiday he will go up and chat to or play with other kids even if he doesn't know them. I encourage him to as well. If they don't want to I say never mind play with me. Most of the time they do want to play with him though.

I think it's much more common to have onlies now as people are leaving it later to have dcs and only having time for one. They will all be fine. I was.. I've never missed a sibling ( I've never missed what I haven't had so it might have been great but who knows we could have squabbled and hated each other) I had lots of opportunities, my parents were happy and they could provide me with lots of financial support

alizarincrimson · 06/10/2018 23:26

I am an absolute only married to another absolute only! We are quite different personalities in some ways - my husband is more sociable than me and he is also the most emotionally resilient person I know. He had a great childhood and has never wanted siblings. My childhood was not so great (parents got divorced) but I am also not bothered about siblings. We think we want two children (currently have none) but it would be fine if we only had one. We both have lots of friends and a very happy marriage.

Magissa · 06/10/2018 23:45

My mum had me at 46. My youngest cousin was 17 when I was born so I grew up with just adults around. I was lonely and did have a fantasy sister for a while. If I was just with my mother I was content however when my father was home I felt left out because they were a close couple. Sadly my mother died over 20 years ago and my father, has never remarried. He is now in his 80s and living with Dementia. Though I do my best to support him this is when I really wish that fantasy sister was real so there could be someone to help!

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