Does anyone else have a totally “only” child?

[tattyheadsmum]

By which I mean, an extended family with your child being absolutely the only one, no cousins or other child relatives at all?

My DS (2) is the only child in our (not very large) extended family and given that I’m now as old as the hills will always be the only one. Does anyone have any experience of that or any tips? It makes me a bit sad tbh.

When DS was little he said he wished he had a sibling (mainly I think because most of his friends had siblings and he saw that as "normal"). Now he is a teen he realises the huge advantages of being an only, particularly not having to share his X-Box!

Here are some of the advantages I've found with DS being a totally only:

• He's more independent than most of his peers and will happily initiate conversations, make new children feel comfortable and part of the group etc
• We can tailor holidays, activities etc to exactly his age and stage. I have friends with kids say 5 years apart and they want to do very different things. Life can be a juggling act for them so in that respect my life is easy!
• With only one we've been able to fund his music. We couldn't have afforded that level of support to more children.
• There's only one school drop off, we never have conflicts over attending nativity plays, parents' evenings etc and we can give 100% of our attention and support to DS's homework.
• Christmas and going on holiday is a whole lot cheaper when you've got a small family! I'm sure there are loads more, too.

I am an only child with loads of cousins but only close to a couple of them who are 20+ years older. I adore being an only child, had a happy childhood and loved playing with my mother. X

Thanks to everyone for taking the time to reply, that list of positives makes for very encouraging reading Boys! He does seem to be a very content child (at the moment 🤞) so perhaps the issue is more mine than his.

Thanks again. X

Yes my ds6, his cousins were 12 and 15 one side and 18, 20, 23 other side. When he was born. Totally doted on by both sides so we've worked hard to stop him being spoilt. We now have an 8 month old baby (second cousin) who is actually at all family gatherings and ds dotes on the baby and regularly asks if we can adopt him.
Ds is a friendly, sociable boy.... he seems to cope.

I do think the issue is definitely more of an adult one than a child one, Tatty. I have a sibling and so struggle to view being an only without it being through the lens of something 'missing'. DH is an only, so sees it as totally normal and has no hang ups whatsoever. DD certainly hasn't ever commented that she's lonely or in anyway unhappy with having no siblings - I don't think she's even really comprehended that it's an option, it's just her normal.

Another couple for the list of positives:

Sharing - DD is far better at sharing, and has been at every stage so far, than many of her contemporaries with siblings. Because she doesn't have to share all her things, all the time, she's much happier doing it willingly.

Language/emotional skills - Again, DD is ahead with both these things, and always has been. I'm not sure if it's an only thing, or just her personality, but I suspect there's a link between the two and because her language is probably ahead as a result of spending most of her time conversing with adults, it has has a knock on effect on her ability to verbalise and identify emotions both in herself and others.

Like Boys says, being able to entertain themselves is a definite positive. It has huge benefits for the adults when the child is little and the child themselves as they grow up. I regularly come away from play dates with friends who have several kids and wonder how they don't go stir crazy with the constant demands for attention and general sibling fighting. It's one of the times I'm actually smug that we have an only!

This was me (I suppose still is!) - just me and my mum, grandparents and one aunt. I definitely want to have more than one child as I am jealous of the relationship my friends have with their siblings, but I've never been unhappy about it and I can't remember being lonely at all (it didn't occur to me that I might have been until I read your post!).

I have fantastic friendships with people who have been there all my life (none of their parents were people my mum already knew, she met them at baby groups etc and is also still friends with them 30+ years later), and I feel that I've got a lot of that bond/support/link to my childhood with them.

I'd say it's made me more independent for sure, and much happier in my own company than most people I know. It's your son's normal, so he's probably totally fine about it.

My DS is a third generation "only" only. So it's very much my normal.

And it's fine, really. I second everything that's been said about offering lots of opportunities for social activities and supporting friendships through childhood. My DM used to always let me invite a friend if we were having a family day out, and she worked hard to ensure there were lots of what we would now call playdates and sleepovers, Brownie and Guide holidays/camps etc. Obviously childhood as an only is different from childhood with siblings, but different's not necessarily either worse or better.

And in adulthood and later years it's not a given that siblings will remain close. My (only child) father stayed close to his two best mates from infant school, even though adult life took them in very different directions and often to different time zones, whreas my mum and her sibling drifted apart and pretty much just swap Christmas and birthday cards now. Sadly DF recently had to give the eulogy at the funeral of one of those two old schoolfriends. Reading his notes for it brought home like nothing else that friends really are the family we choose ourselves.

Yup, I do. Funny you should write about this because earlier today I was thinking I wished my child has some cousins. Ah well, never mind, he has plenty of good friends.

This was me for a long time- I was adopted, and my mum had my DSIS when I was 13. Was a complete and utter surprise, especially considering she was 41 when she fell pregnant.

I was pretty adamant I would only have one- both my pregnancies have been terrible and DS was a complete nightmare as a baby to the extent I was that exhausted I had to quit my job which led to a rough couple of months.

At the end of the day though I couldn’t leave him to have the lonely childhood I had- but i wouldn’t have a child I didn’t want just to keep to my other company because I would feel the love would be forced in a way. The difference with my parents was they desperately wanted a 2nd child (and fortunately were blessed)

I worry about this a lot. DD is 13 months and I know I don't have to decide yet but I still feel pressure to have another as she has no cousins and I'm crap at making mum friends. I worry she'll be lonely, even though I have a sibling and we're not close so I know it's no guarantee of friendship. Trouble is I have chronic physical and mental health problems and have struggled a lot with DD being a terrible sleeper so I can't imagine coping with 2 kids. Mostly I think it's better that I can be a competent, mentally well parent to one than a depressed parent to 2 just so she has a playmate, but I constantly doubt myself

The issue is yours, not his. He has nothing to compare this with, his life is fine and to him this is perfectly normal. I do understand because I have one DS who I had at 43 (we do have cousins though) but I think you need to let this go and emphasise the many positives in your life and his. That will be a much better message to transmit to him than pity and worry - not that you’re doing that intentionally of course, but these things can come out in different ways.

Every single situation in life comes with both positives and negatives, and you have no idea how this will play out in the long term in his life. I came from a big family and that experience made me decide that I only want one; my sister-in-law was an only and was determined to have 3 kids. Just focus on building a strong healthy relationship with him. That will stand him in better stead than anything.

Just to add - the fear that our only kids will be lonely seems to resonate throughout these posts. But this flies in the face of the research which repeatedly indicates that only kids are no more lonely or lacking in social skills than any other children.

Loneliness is something that every single human being on the planet will experience at some point. It is part of being alive and being human, and it’s not necessarily a negative thing because being lonely drives us to meet others and make friends and find partners. It forces you to draw on your own internal resources and develop interests that will keep you occupied.

I think that as parents of only children we have to make sure that we don’t perpetuate this stereotype of “lonely only” with our own children. They will be just fine - or at least as fine as anyone else’s children!

My only does have cousins but he doesn't see them very often, he does have loads of friends though. As an adult I only see one of my cousin's regularly and barely ever see my sibling. Best piece of advice I can give is to live close to his school. I'm in Scotland so most kids go to their local school and school nursery. Our catchment is small and many of his school friends live in our street and surrounding streets, they've all known each other since nursery and are almost at the end of primary now. They play out together, have sleepovers and we almost always take one of his friends on days out. Over the years we've all helped each other out with school runs, babysitting etc. He's definitely not lonely.

This was me. The only child of an ‘only’ DF and a DM who had limited contact with her child free brother.

I never felt I was missing out. My mum and I spent happy hours and days with non-family family (my godparents, close friends). It was hard when I lost my parents in rapid succession in my early 30s but I was so well supported and loved by those family friends. It taught me the value of good friendship - blood may be thicker than water, who knows, I’ve nothing to compare it to - but good friends got me through some of my very darkest times. The benefit being although they also grieved for my parents they weren’t as close so could support me, without their own grief being a thing, if that makes sense.

My DC will be an only, but with cousins onDH’s side close in age. I hope I can give DC the confidence and knowledge that they are loved and supported so DC can form the bonds outside the family unit that I have been upheld by.

This is my DD (4). I have a brother and DH has a sister but there are no signs of either starting their own family which makes me feel like we should have another.

Right now, I don't think I want another. I love our life as it is and dread the thought of going back to the baby years although dd craves a sibling.

Although she's an only, she's also the centre of everyone's attention and my extended family is huge (I have 18 first cousins, 10 second cousins, my gran is still alive and many aunts and uncles who are close to my DD and spoil).

She has some close friends and is very sociable but I still worry that I need to have another just to give her that absolute companion.

This was me. An only child whose cousins were at least all 12 years older than me and also lived on the other side of the world. We had no immediate or extended family around. I used to get jealous of my school friends who were close to their siblings and/or cousins.

It was quite lonely to be honest.

I'm pregnant with my 2nd child.

I grew up with siblings and 28 first cousins who all lived close by. Now, i see maybe 5 of them more than once a year, so lots of cousins doesnt guarantee support when older. It breaks my heart that my wee boy is an only but for many good reasons thats just the way it will stay. Luckily he has 5 cousins all within 2 years older or younger than him & his godparents children (who have no cousins) count him as a cousin. But whatever your DC's 'normal' is will just be what they are used to!

My ds is 6 and an only he has a cousin now as my brother has just had his first baby , but we dont live close so not going to be seeing them much an well theres bit of an age gap anyway so not too good, my ds is really uninterested and doesnt want to go visit his new cousin anyway an says he hates babies lol he also has no real friends yet none that he sees outside of school this is maybe my fault as I am anti social and have anxiety so cant make friends myself cant talk to the parents an ask them round ect,,, although he has been to a few parties which I was suprised he got invited to as the parents had never even spoken to me lol an because I always thought he hated all kids as he used to say he did at nursery lol but hes ok now an gets on with them fine at school , never says anything about being lonely ect ,,, an Iv ofcourse felt worried about the whole situation sometimes but I try not to worry as that is pointless , ds dad has siblings but they were much older and he was like an only child and he said he was fine plsu now he never sees his siblings one moved country an he has no love for the other, an also he never had proper friends till he was a much older child but he has loads of friends now as an adult,,, so maybe its all wishful thinking that my ds will be ok but what will be will be ,, I have a sibling close to my age and I am the most anti social anxious person ever and you can feel lonely no matter if you have people around you or not

I would consider getting a dog. They could be the ideal pet for your child and if they do ever feel lonely they have them.

Until she was 9, yes.
Then my ds had a baby after 10 years of trying. She then had another less than 2 years later.
My step sister now has 3 5 and under.
However, the age gaps are so big plus we see them every couple of years so no significant relationship is formed.
It's a shame but I couldn't cope with more than 1.

Dd is this. She has friends from preschool plus school friends we see regularly. I'm an only and her dad left when she was a baby (his brothers are all over the world and although one one does have a baby they are in Asia and we've never met). I think she would love a larger family but not much can be done unless I find another partner (highly unlikely) or her dad suddenly reappears and decides he wants to know her.

Oh, i got her a cat when she was 5. She's 12 now and loves the cat (i do too 😁)

Yes, I have just one. Very adult now :-). Saw him earlier today and will go to his on Christmas Day. I'm very pleased and proud of him.

I never intended to have only one but circumstances dictated it to be the best thing for us. No regrets.

He has many friends, a good social life and an interesting career.

I was a totally Only child. No cousins or any young family members at all. Just me, parents, grandparents, one aunt, one uncle (neither married, both childless).

Life was a bit boring at times, Christmas wasn’t much fun. We weren’t a well off family at all so I was never ‘spoilt’ with masses of presents.

One thing you do learn is how to make friends. I always did have good friends and still do.

Only remaining members of our family now are myself (63) and my Aunt who is 92 and lives in Australia.

My DP has a large family and there is constant drama....it makes me very glad to be an Only with some very good friends!

We have an 'only' - she does have cousins (I am one of four and DH is one of three) but they are pretty far apart - US, France, Australia we have all moved around and even those in the uk we are disparate by at least 4 hours+ so there is no regular interaction.

My brothers have all had large families - I chose to stop at dd - she is having a hugely different experience to me growing up but I don't think that is a bad thing - we both work ft - we can give enough for her but with more we would be stretched.

Most of her friends exclaim envy at no younger siblings but I thing the value doesn't really kick in at child age it is more when you are older and working out how to deal with the problems elderly parents present.

To that though despite our multiple siblings we deal with both sides of the family - once again this year we have just had a message as to why one of my brothers can't come and spend 1day with mum and dad due to his large family and being 'busy'.