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One-child families

Got questions about only having one child? Find the answers here.

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Original poster

One child and I feel guilty

27 replies

MomofS · 14/03/2018 12:18

Hi everyone,

It’s a long story but I don’t really know why I’m posting but here I go.

After a traumatic birth and forceps complications I later developed sepsis due to being catheterised for a second time that gave me an infection. My bladder was holding absolutely nothing so I was and current am still weeing myself on a daily basis. I almost died when DD was 2 weeks old due to the sepsis, the hospital refused to believe the GP letter I had saying I had sepsis and I was so that the paramedic refused to leave me in the waiting room when the A&E nurse said I’d have to wait. It was sepsis awareness month for god sake and waited 5.5 hours to be seen.

I spent a week in hospital having the strongest what the midwives called “domestos” intravenous antibiotics and with everything that went wrong they decided to refer me straight to physio for my bladder. Physio is not working so I’ve been referred to surgeons to revise the mis stitched episiotomy that has been causing so much pain and to repair me bladder with either a muscle hammock from my own body or a mesh.

This is the problem, during my consultation with the surgeon staid that if I am to have any ore children they would delay the surgery until my family is completed as the weight of a pregnancy would undo the benefits of the surgery even if I had a Caesarian to save the episiotomy revision.

After lengthy discussions with my husband who is mostly for having one child only we have decided to go ahead with the surgery. I feel so guilty for choosing my own well being over having more children and feel that I’m robbing DD of siblings and myself of the other two children I wanted. I can’t live for years walking down the road weeing myself to the point that one spare change of clothes isn’t enough.

Has anyone else successfully come to terms with being forced having one beautiful amazing child only after planning more?

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Original poster

MomofS · 14/03/2018 12:20

Sorry for the typos and awful grammar. This is very emotive for me so I clicked post without looking

OP posts:

Hotpinkangel19 · 14/03/2018 12:24

I have no real advice but I was an only child and I can honestly say it never bothered me x

Baubletrouble43 · 14/03/2018 12:25

my dd1 was reared as an only child as in she was 18 when her twin sisters arrived ( second relationship) so I'm not exactly the responder you were looking for, but I just wanted to reassure you. My dd was incredibly happy as an only child, and there were massive pluses to it. We had so much time together and had an incredibly close bond. We could afford holidays easily. We could go on off the cuff outings that she fancied at the drop of a hat without having to consider anybody else.I love my twins of course, but rearing an only child was very very special and my dd never ever felt deprived of siblings. Infact she wasn't that impressed at first when she discovered she was getting some! She loves them now though. Enjoy your only child and your very special relationship xxx

RoderickRules · 14/03/2018 12:28

I was not an only, and rarely see my siblings. We have a birthday and Christmas text relationship, if that.

I had a second child for company for the first child and found it divided our attention, money, time, space etc etc
Plus, they don’t get on!
I think, maybe one day, but I don’t really get on with my siblings either.

Make the right decision for you and your family, the one you can live with.

elQuintoConyo · 14/03/2018 12:29

First of all for you and i am so sorry to hear of your health problems. It is truly shit.

Due to a forceps birth and heavily damaged foof, we too have settled on having one child.

It wasn't so hard a decision as i thought, so i'm not sure i can be very helpful there. But i can warn you that people will ask about future dc and why you don't want siblings for your daughter. Be prepared with some stock answers as questions will come at you in any situation and a swift "none of your effing business" doesn't go down well voice of bitter experience

We are now very happy with our one 6yo DS, he is awesome.

phoenix1973 · 14/03/2018 12:31

Try not to feel guilty. It's best for your family and your situation and that's all you can hope for.
I've got one by choice, but I've had my moments too x x.

gussyfinknottle · 14/03/2018 12:32

I've come to terms with it. I have no tips on how to do it. Other than don't put any of it on your child. Any of the horrible experience, any of the "this is why I only have one ". It's really hard.
My dd starts secondary school next September.

vanessa6734 · 14/03/2018 12:33

I have a sibling and we are not close at all and really never have been, there is only a few years gap and we are the same sex so on paper we could have been close but always hated eachother. We get on okay for family functions but never socialise together.

I had two DCs but with a big gap and not that I regret DC2 but it did massively change my relationship with DC1 and often I have to compromise outings/days out to satisfy both and I often long for the old weekends with DC1 where we could have days just for him.

anotherchangetomyname · 14/03/2018 12:38

We planned two. I had avery similar birth to you, no sepsis unfortunately but similar last effects. I'm lucky that 12 months of physio (4 NHS, 8 Private) have given me some semblance of a life.

I made the decision very early that there'd be no more - the risk of permenant incontinence (that not even an op could fix) was not something I was willing to go through.

I look at it as if my quality of life is compromised further, then I couldn't be a good mum to DS, let alone future children - I was scared to go out anyway, it impacted my ability to do things with him and enjoy him. I couldn't do that too him, I'd be deliberately risking what I can do with him, the things we can enjoy together for my own desire to have a child. He might not even get on with his siblings!

S0ph1a · 14/03/2018 12:43

I’m so sorry for what you have been through and I hope your surgery is a success.

I know you feel guilty about not having another child. But TBH every mother I know feels guilty some of the time.

Mums with big families feel guilty because there is never enough time /money / energy / attention to go round.

Mothers with two sons sometimes wish they had a girl ( or Vice versa ).

Mothers with one feel that their child might be lonely and they have deprived them.

Mothers with two kids who fight all the time wonder what they did wrong.

All mothers feel guilty a lot of the time, whatever we do. Welcome to the club!

There’s no perfect family . No correct number of parents or kids or age gap or sex of children or parents.

Some of the nicest and happiest children I know are in one child families.

You have made the right decision for your own family and your own health. That’s more important than anything.

Allow yourself some time to grieve and then get on with your family life, secure in the knowledge that you have done THE RIGHT THING and your child will have a very happy life.

BillywigSting · 14/03/2018 12:50

I was an only child and actively rebuffed my parents offers of siblings.

I absolutely hated the idea of having to share them and I'm not at all bothered that I don't have any now either and I had a pretty idyllic childhood. I was certainly never lonely. I had friends if I wanted company my own age. (and I could tell them to go home, or go home myself if I'd had enough)

Ds is also an only child and gets an awful lot of things he wouldn't if he had a sibling.

Feezles · 14/03/2018 12:57

I wouldn't say I was forced into only having one child because that implies that I am unhappy with it, but the decision to stop at one was largely taken for us, for a variety of physical, financial and emotional reasons

DD is now 2.5, and I am now completely at ease with the choice. I love having an only, I love never having to divide my attention, and I am really looking forward to all the trips, visits and holidays that will be possible that we just couldn't do (or at least, not do the same) with two.

It wasn't always like that, though. I was quite resentful about it when DD was smaller. I was emotionally quite fragile, and it is only now that the fog of her babyhood has lifted that I am happy about it. And I really am.

KingLooieCatz · 14/03/2018 12:58

We thought we'd have two. For various reasons I won't bore you with, we stopped at one. There was a period of adjustment for me and DH, maybe a little mini-grieving for the family we thought we'd be, but it's behind us now, we have a joyous, boisterous only child who is affectionate and thoughtful. We can do what suits him as regards holidays, weekends, extra-curricular activities, the lot. It's fine.

Mamimawr · 14/03/2018 13:03

One of my friends was in a similar situation and wasn't able to have a second child. They went on to adopt a little girl. Is this something you would consider?

Mner · 14/03/2018 13:09

It is hard when things like this do not go to plan. DS was our third (and supposedly final) round of IVF and we had an awful birth similar to yours. His AGPAR score was horrific, I was rushed to surgery for a 4th degree tear. Things have healed as much as they can for now but I do still have problems and will need surgery down the road.

I was so torn but we did try another IVF round because we had embryos sat in the freezer. It didn't work but two years later, I am mostly glad of that. DS (6yr) is full on and needs a lot of attention. He doesn't find school easy but because he is an only child, we can afford all the extras - pets, swimming, beavers, football, cricket in the summer, music lessons, french lessons at school...! We're going to lapland this year...! He thrives on this out of school stuff much more than school itself and we wouldn't be able to afford it if there was another in childcare.

He is a very sociable child and all of this out of school stuff, playdates etc he absolutely loves.

And the best thing about an only child is when they start going out without you - you're free. No babysitters to organise. He has a beavers sleepover this weekend and we are going out for dinner! He's out all night! ignoring the horrible all round tiredness last time we did this

Chewbecca · 14/03/2018 13:11

DS is a an only teen and very happy to be that way, he knows he is spoilt to a large extent and sees his friends arguing with their siblings and feels grateful for our peaceful home.

I would have liked more and sometimes wish I had a bustling house, not a peaceful house but it wasn't to be and I take comfort in DS's happiness.

BubbleAndSquark · 14/03/2018 13:15

Would it be possible for you to have another down the line after having the surgery then have another op after?
Obviously wouldn't be ideal, but if you really did want another I'd look into whether that would be possible even if it's not their preference.

FWIW, DD was an only child for 4 years, and she got a lot more attention and time to focus on her. With 3 DC now there is a lot of 'wait a minute' and having to rush things like bath time etc more than if she was still an only child. Also, once they start school their friends are a lot more interesting to have over to play than a toddler or baby sibling!

ivytable · 14/03/2018 13:27

I sometimes feel guilty for having two children...mainly due to the fact I can't split myself in half and focus on each of them 100%...

Frazzled2207 · 14/03/2018 14:59

My mother had similar issues hence I am an only. I had a happy childhood. I also did some fab things as a child (trips to Australia, private school etc) that would not have been possible if there was another child in the family. I think I missed the company of a playmate when small but much of that was due to the fact that I was brought up in a very rural location with almost no potential friends within walking distance. There's a lot of positives of being an only and you can make up for most of the shortfalls. If you have two you can't guarantee they will get on anyway.

I think you've had a tough time and have to do what's best for you x

Original poster

MomofS · 14/03/2018 15:05

Thank you all. Your comments are helping me put everything into perspective. It’s really great to hear of the positives of having one child and the challenges of having more than one.

I think many of you are right, we should grieve and move on as it may not be possible to do the surgery a second time if I was to get pregnant. My HV is coming next Friday to speak to me about all of this. She could see that it’s all a bit stressful when I got DD weighed today.

Motherhood is fantastic. Thank you for the support. I feel that I’ll get through it all now and enjoy my daughter :)

OP posts:

happyguineapig · 14/03/2018 17:41

I feel like this and I haven't even got any medical reasons for not having another.. I've just put it off because it was quite tough with dc, then my career got back on track, then I quite liked our family of 3, then I couldn't face going back to nappies, now I'm worried I'm too old and feel guilty...

justanotheruser18 · 20/03/2018 06:27

Oh darling you've been through much. Your body has been ravaged. I remember when, after I had my baby, I went for my first run around the field and found myself peeing, without any control of my bladder. I felt disgusting and broken. I can't imagine how you must feel. You describe a very difficult choice but I know you will have a beautiful life with your only.

I am only having one and although I could probably have another if I wanted, I won't and Im working on changing my mental picture of the ideal family. I used to think it was 4 children. 🤭

justanotheruser18 · 20/03/2018 06:28

@S0ph1a such a wonderful post xx

S0ph1a · 20/03/2018 11:02

Thank you

UnaOfStormhold · 20/03/2018 11:11

I have found the book "Parenting your only child" really helpful in reducing the guilt about having just one child (infertility in our case). It brings out some of the benefits of being an only child and suggests ways to work around the downsides.

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