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One-child families

Got questions about only having one child? Find the answers here.

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Original poster

son says I am making him unhappy

28 replies

workingitout246 · 14/08/2017 07:52

I posted this on another thread but thought parents on lone children might be able to appreciate that the relationship be tween a parent and an only child can be intense.
It breaks my heart when my son says this. I am trying so hard with him. There are only two of us so the relationship is fairly intense especially over the summer break as I don't work then.
He is a sensitive and boisterous boy of 8. He can behave badly when we are out and about and when I reprimand him he is so sensitive and distraught. He is often touching things of attempting unsafe moves in the park so they are not things I can make light of or ignore. During the holidays we have been going to parks, having a friend over to play occasionally, going to the odd museum, swimming, etc.
When I am home it is a constant struggle to limit his iPad time. I have limited it to an hour 3 days a week but when the hour is up (and I always give him amble warning) it is a constant battle. Not only that he loves those games which involve going up levels for jumping over obstacles and his frustration is palpable when things go wrong. The other area of contention is the TV. He is allowed to watch it in the evening and occasionally during the day but as with the IPad getting him off is a struggle.
Ironically he wants to be with me a lot of the time. When I have had appointments and adult type commitments over the holidays he has refused to go to a friend's place.
He has struggled slightly at school and I have been doing some simple writing exercises with him but that too has evolved into a daily argument.
I have explained to him that I would not need to growl at him if he behaved sensibly when we are out and about, we talked about iPad times etc. and agreed on reasonable times he can use it.

OP posts:

skyzumarubble · 14/08/2017 14:37

I think 3 x 1 hr in the holidays isn't much at all for an 8 yo. Ours have free it pretty much freely in the holidays, banned during the week totally in term time. It is never allowed out e.g. Restaurants / day trips etc.

He sounds a bit bored to be honest. If he has friends over only a few times what else does he have to do?

I don't have an only child, this popped up in active.

Callitquits · 14/08/2017 15:10

I agree with previous post that the boy seems to be bored!
I understand it's a struggle to constantly entertain him but things you say he is doing when out and about it typical of an 8 year old boy.
Have you tried days out at adventure parks etc, I know these are often not cheap but how about going for bike rides together, picnics, seaside. Places where he can run off lots of energy and not cause any harm. I would suggest inviting friends around more often too or letting him on the street (if it's quiet enough) with a friend on their bikes? Set up some fun activities in the garden?
When at home I think you should allow him to have lazy days including watching DVDs playing on the iPad, it is the holidays after all. Although if you really dislike him being on the iPad for a long period then you could tell him that every say Tuesday and Thursday you are going to practice some writing / reading together and that for how long he concentrates on doing this is the amount of extra time he can have on his iPad, so if he works really hard on this for 25 mins then he gets an hour and 25mins iPad time.

Callitquits · 14/08/2017 15:12

However, I will say that when it comes to you needing a little adult time or as you say have adult commitments and have arranged for him to go to friends or family then you need to make sure this is not an option and to tell him that is what is happening and there is no option

AdalindSchade · 14/08/2017 15:13

I have an 8 year old and am a LP
I am working half the holidays so need childcare but even if I didn't I would pay for some activities. He's doing football camp for 2 weeks (£35 a week) and he has had a friend over or been with a friend every day he has been at home.
I don't limit tv or iPad really; we do stuff which means he's not on it 24/7 and obviously not when he's with friends but I wouldn't create arguments for myself for no reason.

Lymmmummy · 14/08/2017 18:11

It's very hard being both a single parent and the dynamic of an only child - I agree your DS is perhaps under stimulated and could do with a kids club or sports camp going rate round these parts is £15p day but varies - seriously just would consider this for a few days per week if funds allow. If not or perhaps also find a free park sometimes the intensity can be broken up a little but simply be being around other kids. And or invite friends around few hours one day a week when added together it gives a bit of structure for you both

Feel for you - sure your doing a great job -

Lymmmummy · 14/08/2017 18:14

Sorry see you are doing much of what I mention but my own experience of having an age gap similar to only child in some ways is that I found the structure of having a day or two in a club or sports camp helpful for providing structure

LalaLeona · 14/08/2017 18:15

It's hard when your only child is too shy to go on summer camps/activities, as was always the case with my daughter. Just try and up the play dates or find an activity she can do with a friend. Not easy though at all.

Lowdoorinthewal1 · 14/08/2017 18:25

Do you live in a place where it is safe to send him out to play? My only-one DS has played out for about 5hrs today. We do go out and play games every day but I would find it really difficult to entertain him the whole time myself.

I also don't limit screen time that much in the holidays. He watches sactioned (Stampy and DanTDM) youtube stuff when there is nobody around to play with outside and I am doing something else.

Craiconwithit · 14/08/2017 18:26

I'm not surprised he's feeling bored. I have an 8 yr old and I rarely limit his iPad use during the summer holidays as I think that would be unfair. He has play dates and the odd camp but he's not very sporty so isn't interested in learning to ride a bike or playing football.
We have had a holiday and various day trips and he reads a lot in the evenings before bedtime. No electronics after 7pm.
We live very rurally so he can't just pop round to a mates to play and he's not really interested in playing in the fields or at the beach (like I did as a kid!) so the iPad, it is.

Original poster

workingitout246 · 14/08/2017 21:57

Thanks for the ideas. I may have played down what he/we been doing. We have been to outdoor adventure parks, Snakes and Ladders (with a friend) 2 birthday parties, bike rides, pond dipping, swimming but the idea of a few days at a sports club might be a good idea. And maybe being a bit more relaxed about the ipad.
I don't have a back garden and quite centrally in London so it's not an option to let him play on a quiet street area with friends or in the garden.

OP posts:

ThatsWotSheSaid · 14/08/2017 22:15

I find with my dd the more screen time she has the more behavioural Issues we have, even a few hours a week. I think some children are affected by screens more than others.
The need to touch everything, lack of impulse control and difficulties regulating emotions is very much like my dd too. I believe she has some neuro-differences (sensory processing/ADD and dyslexia).
I would get rid of screen time entirely and spend as much time as humanly possible outside or doing physically activities and obviously clubs are great if you can. I know you'll get a back lash initially but I think it could reduce some of his issues in the long run.

Also what does he eat? I also find some kids react to additives with a lack of focus and attention that seems like boredom.

Original poster

workingitout246 · 14/08/2017 22:47

What a relief to hear from someone whose child's behaviour deteriorates with Ipad use! I thought I was a alone on that one certainly from the posts above. I wouldn't mind my child using the Ipad more frequently if he was better able to regulate his emotions..... and increased exposure doesn't help. The more he uses it the more his behaviour deteriorates. There is no way I could give my son a free reign with the Ipad even in the holidays. That is not a criticism of those who are able to have a relaxed approach to this with their children. In general my son finds it hard to regulate his emotions. Although my son doesn't have dyslexia he does have issues with reversing letters, capitalising letters mid sentence, skipping lines when he is reading etc so he might be on a scale of being dyslexic which is not too severe.
I would certainly have to brace myself before removing Ipad use altogether but I have thought about it.
Spending time outdoors is very much what I find helpful and it is what my son enjoys once he finds a buddy.

OP posts:

SkyWalker95 · 14/08/2017 22:56

What are you so scared about with the iPad? Computer literacy is vital these days and it aids learning and attention spans. Maybe you should just not allow him endless games?

MsGameandWatching · 14/08/2017 23:01

My children have to:-

Breakfast
Get dressed, wash, brush teeth.
Tidy rooms, make beds.
Read something.
Do something creative - e.g. drawing, baking, make a mini movie, do some writing.
Be outside for at least an hour - it's usually much longer.

When all this is done, they can have as much screen time as they like. I think you should relax on the screen time, maybe it won't be so much of as issue if he isn't tensed up waiting for his time to be over and feeling like it's a massive deal every time he's on it.

ThatsWotSheSaid · 14/08/2017 23:01

Computer literacy is vital these days and it aids learning and attention spans. I'm not sure even the most generous research would claim screen time actually improves attention.

SkyWalker95 · 14/08/2017 23:13

ThatsWotSheSaid it's true, and gaming can cause you to be able to track almost twice as many moving object and drastically improve your reaction time. It can also improve your cognitive ability and language skills. Among many other benefits.

Original poster

workingitout246 · 14/08/2017 23:38

Mr Game and Watching thanks I take your point. I might be making it an issue by being restrictive about the time he spends on it however in the past when I have allowed him more time and been more relaxed about how much time he is on an Ipad his behaviour has deteriorated. I haven't been able to find a solution that is reasonably workable because as you say he does become tensed up waiting for his time to be over and he probably thinks it is a big deal every time he's on it.

OP posts:

AdalindSchade · 15/08/2017 08:13

Are there better games he could play? My son likes minecraft and ROBLOX that don't seem to have the same impact as the twitchy reaction games

Original poster

workingitout246 · 15/08/2017 08:41

Yes those are his two favourites. He is OK with those but reasonably regularly there seems to be a glitch and that when he has a meltdown.

OP posts:

Starlight2345 · 15/08/2017 08:58

I have issues with my DS with too much I pad time..He is however allowed on it daily ( if we are not out) however if he does not get off it without issue he doesn't go on it next day..

As for adult appointments If you need him not to be there...Tell him you will be going to ...I have an appointment.

I am a LP of DS. He is useless at playing on his own.. so needs direction even though he is 10.

My DS also plays educational games. which actually get his head working far better than the dull other games he plays however..It is finding the balance. I also tell him to finish off what he is doing 5 minutes before you want him off..Lots of things have levels and they can only save at certain points..

We also watch lots of films.. It means there is a specific end. but he still gets to chill out.

unicornpoopoop · 15/08/2017 09:05

I hate that children are deemed to be bored if they don't have unlimited access to screens. What did they do before iPads?

My sons behaviour deteriorates rapidly with any amount of screen time. We used to reward his good behaviour with a bit of screen time but it was counter productive as his hard work would be ruined. His brain literally just cannot cope with the sensory overload. He also gets consumed with thinking about when he can next play on it. We've taken the option away and he's much better and will happily find things to entertain himself with.

Original poster

workingitout246 · 15/08/2017 09:58

Thanks unicornpoopoop. My son's behaviour deteriorates with screen time too and I have been trying hard to find a way around it......even doing the same as you did ...rewarding him for good behaviour with extra screen time. He is very reactive and excitable by nature and this may tie in with him not being able to cope with sensory overload. There is a huge amount of pressure from society and I have been putting pressure on myself to help my son manage his reactions and disappointments when online but it appears to be beyond him at present.

OP posts:

ThatsWotSheSaid · 15/08/2017 13:26

SkyWalker95 Your claim that they improve language skills is interesting. Where do you get that information from?
DR Aric Sigman has don't a lot of research in this area and says the exact opposite to you.
I could just about believe that visual tracking could be improved but id bet only within the same specific context.

SkyWalker95 · 15/08/2017 13:37

ThatsWotSheSaid Well the first example that springs to mind is the study on dyslexia and action gaming. www.cell.com/current-biology/fulltext/S0960-9822(13)00079-1

ThatsWotSheSaid · 15/08/2017 14:18

I've skimmed the study and it looks dubious to me. The sample size is small, definitely too small to make any overall judgements. Also why did they conduct this study? It reads like a university project.

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