Happy with one?

[museumum]

I'm trying to make the final decision if I'm happy with one child. I'm 98% sure I am. Dh is happy but would be approachable if I wanted to discuss a second.
Ds is 2.3 and I'm 39 so now is decision time. Also I'm reacting badly to the pill and considering the coil.

I feel like I am happy with one and that a family of three allows us to balance our time well and all three have hobbies and interests as well as work etc.

I think I'm only wavering due to society's attitudes and the way so many people rave about siblings being the most important thing ever. I only know one family with an only by choice who is around my ds's age.

Also, I know people who had awful pregnancies or births or pnd or difficult babies (colic /reflux) but we had none of that. It's been pretty ideal really so I don't have any "excuse" to not do it again.

So.... Can you help balance things? Can you tell me why you chose one and are happy with that?

I was never really a kid person before becoming a mum but I was so broody it's unbelievable. Everyone in my family has kids except the men, my brothers and uncles, so I was bound to end up "following suit". I was 19 when I was with DS's dad and he left when I was 4 months pregnant. I thought that I wouldn't be having anymore after DS as I didn't think I'd find someone that would want to be with a single mother with a little baby so I guess I kind of got my head around that whilst trying to understand how someone can abandon their unborn baby. Then I ended up having an unpleasant recovery from DS's birth, both physically and mentally. I was left with PTSD that I am only now having therapy for 3 1/2 years later (I had never gotten over his birth). And since the day I had my son I always said I'm never again going through that. I got into a new relationship and did start to worry about if he'd want kids etc. then decided that I don't have to have a baby for someone else, so that was the end of that.
It wasn't until half way through this therapy that I started to get my head around possibly having another, I was content with the idea of having a homebirth for my second if I did. I found out I was pregnant again last year and at first I crapped myself. I did think before that if I were to get pregnant again I would go ahead with a termination but in the end my heart just wasn't in it. I decided to continue and take it on as I started to think it'd be nice to have the two running around. But it all came crashing down when I started to bleed. I mc'd at nearly 11wks. We were both devastated and I immediately wanted to be pregnant again. DP said it was too soon obviously and it actually made me angry. I was so empty and lost. I felt like I had been given the opportunity to have a second then it was all taken away suddenly. My head was all over the place.

I think although I had dealt with the idea that I wouldn't have anymore, being pregnant again threw a spanner in the works and it brought up a lot of emotion. As the weeks passed I started to think more rationally and realised that maybe it wouldn't be such a good idea right now to have another, financial reasons, career etc. and also some of the reasons I didn't want anymore still stand, not much of a kid person, but my decision about having another isn't ruled by the trauma anymore, I can make the choice freely now. I don't think I'd be able to lose another baby. It'd kill me. As of now I am okay to not have another if it doesn't happen again. I think my mindset has gone back to how I was after I had my son but without the trauma in the way. I don't think my desire to have another is greater than my desire to stay as is (in every sense!) right now. I also recently started to question whether I would want the responsibilty of 2 kids. I wouldn't mind looking after a baby, I had no pregnancy problems, quick labour (that quickly turned traumatic with sh*t staff and physical injuries) and DS was a really good baby, but when they get to the age of 2...
That might sound a bit wrong but had my last pregnancy continued I would obviously have taken it on and my mind wouldn't have changed as there wouldn't have been a choice, iyswim, I would have embraced it. I would have liked having a new baby, but I also would be content with DS.

Well, I went on a rollercoaster. I've gone back and forth between my decision so many times but I think it's final now! I wanted to be a mum of three but after having DS I promptly reconsidered that and it's looking likely that I'll be a mum of one. If it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen and I'm okay with that. I've had to come to terms with my son's birth and the MC, I'm not having another to get over either of those and I know I don't need to.

I feel a little bit guilty about only having 1 although it's quite common in my circle of friends. I had my daughter when I was 41 and did go through a stage at around 43 when I was " it's now or never" but the thought of going back to a newborn at that time filled me with horror. I'm not hugely maternal and I never longed to have a child in the first instance, so it was a bit of a gamble even having 1. i find I enjoy my daughter more the older she gets ( she is now 4) so I guess babies are just not my thing . my main concern is that she will have to deal with my husband and I when we are elderly and won't have any support. I hope that in a few years that we will be able to move closer to my family and she will have much more time with her 3 cousins who are around her age. Other than that it's creating plenty of opportunity to play with other children. What else can you do? Families are all different.

I am glad I spotted this thread. I have one daughter who is now 19 months. I am in my mid thirties and I want to have a second child but I am not sure if this can happen due to health reasons. I am thankful of what we have and love our family of three.

We are sticking with 1. I love being a family of 3. I've had a couple of comments about having no more being "cruel" but we are happy and people who said it were twats. No regrets

I am pretty certain that we will stop at 1. My DS is 18 months and I've found it very hard as husband works away from home a lot and I've done it mostly alone. I know my limitations and I just don't think that I would cope well at all with more than one child. I had a difficult pregnancy, DS was very hard work as a baby, screamed constantly and barely slept. He is awesome now but the toddler years are also tough going and the thought of going through the whole thing again just fills me with dread! I am also looking forward to going back to work next year and having more time to pursue my own hobbies and interests as DS gets older. Luckily he has lots of lovely cousins who live relatively close to us and lots of little friends (I am working hard to develop friendships now which I hope will be ongoing as he gets older!) plus he will start nursery next year and then school...... I also want to ensure that me and DH are able to give him lots of attention and allow him to pursue whatever hobbies he is interested in without spreading ourselves too thinly which I think would happen if we were to have a second child.

I think about this all the time 🙈

Is it selfish only having the 1?
Who will be there for him when I'm not around?
Has he missed out on having that interaction/support/friendship of a sibling?
Who will help him carry the load of me when I'm old or fall ill?

I'm actually a single parent so no choice in the matter at the moment anyway and he's 14 but I always feel slightly sad/guilty when I see siblings having fun and looking out for each other etc.
I am aware that this isn't always the case, but family is mostly what gets you through the tough times and I sometimes worry we're only a very small one so who will be there for him when I'm not :(

But on the other hand we're happy and make a good team

There is definitely a slight stigma about only having the one (not as bad as it used to be) but still there.

I suppose we should just be grateful we've been blessed with any at all :)) xxx

I loved being pregnant and had a brilliant birth experience. It was a wonderful time and I'd love to do it over again but I like things the way they are more. 1 child is right for me, don't need the "excuse" of a terrible labour/pregnancy, or any other excuse.

Hello @museumum , I know this post is old, but I’m currently going through the same feelings. I just wanted to know if you feel like you made the right decision and you are happy with how things turned out? Thank you!

My goodness @Lily0719 this is a blast from the past!!! Ds is 9 1/2 now and we’re more than happy as a family of 3. We just enjoyed so much doing more and more with ds as he got older without any babies or toddlers to consider. We still are enjoying his ability to enjoy stuff with us that we enjoy - travel, sports, museums, meals out etc. I’ve no regrets.

Thank you so much for replying! That’s great you feel like you made the right decision and you’re enjoying life together… it helps me with mine! :)