Happy with one?

[museumum]

I'm trying to make the final decision if I'm happy with one child. I'm 98% sure I am. Dh is happy but would be approachable if I wanted to discuss a second.
Ds is 2.3 and I'm 39 so now is decision time. Also I'm reacting badly to the pill and considering the coil.

I feel like I am happy with one and that a family of three allows us to balance our time well and all three have hobbies and interests as well as work etc.

I think I'm only wavering due to society's attitudes and the way so many people rave about siblings being the most important thing ever. I only know one family with an only by choice who is around my ds's age.

Also, I know people who had awful pregnancies or births or pnd or difficult babies (colic /reflux) but we had none of that. It's been pretty ideal really so I don't have any "excuse" to not do it again.

So.... Can you help balance things? Can you tell me why you chose one and are happy with that?

[Lily0719]

@museumum

My goodness @Lily0719 this is a blast from the past!!! Ds is 9 1/2 now and we’re more than happy as a family of 3. We just enjoyed so much doing more and more with ds as he got older without any babies or toddlers to consider. We still are enjoying his ability to enjoy stuff with us that we enjoy - travel, sports, museums, meals out etc. I’ve no regrets.

Thank you so much for replying! That’s great you feel like you made the right decision and you’re enjoying life together… it helps me with mine! :)

[museumum]

My goodness @Lily0719 this is a blast from the past!!! Ds is 9 1/2 now and we’re more than happy as a family of 3. We just enjoyed so much doing more and more with ds as he got older without any babies or toddlers to consider. We still are enjoying his ability to enjoy stuff with us that we enjoy - travel, sports, museums, meals out etc. I’ve no regrets.

[Lily0719]

@museumum

I'm trying to make the final decision if I'm happy with one child. I'm 98% sure I am. Dh is happy but would be approachable if I wanted to discuss a second.
Ds is 2.3 and I'm 39 so now is decision time. Also I'm reacting badly to the pill and considering the coil.

I feel like I am happy with one and that a family of three allows us to balance our time well and all three have hobbies and interests as well as work etc.

I think I'm only wavering due to society's attitudes and the way so many people rave about siblings being the most important thing ever. I only know one family with an only by choice who is around my ds's age.

Also, I know people who had awful pregnancies or births or pnd or difficult babies (colic /reflux) but we had none of that. It's been pretty ideal really so I don't have any "excuse" to not do it again.

So.... Can you help balance things? Can you tell me why you chose one and are happy with that?

Hello @museumum , I know this post is old, but I’m currently going through the same feelings. I just wanted to know if you feel like you made the right decision and you are happy with how things turned out? Thank you!

[SienaSun]

I loved being pregnant and had a brilliant birth experience. It was a wonderful time and I'd love to do it over again but I like things the way they are more. 1 child is right for me, don't need the "excuse" of a terrible labour/pregnancy, or any other excuse.

[Jules8432]

I think about this all the time 🙈

Is it selfish only having the 1?
Who will be there for him when I'm not around?
Has he missed out on having that interaction/support/friendship of a sibling?
Who will help him carry the load of me when I'm old or fall ill?

I'm actually a single parent so no choice in the matter at the moment anyway and he's 14 but I always feel slightly sad/guilty when I see siblings having fun and looking out for each other etc.
I am aware that this isn't always the case, but family is mostly what gets you through the tough times and I sometimes worry we're only a very small one so who will be there for him when I'm not :(

But on the other hand we're happy and make a good team

There is definitely a slight stigma about only having the one (not as bad as it used to be) but still there.

I suppose we should just be grateful we've been blessed with any at all :)) xxx

[Blackbird82]

I am pretty certain that we will stop at 1. My DS is 18 months and I've found it very hard as husband works away from home a lot and I've done it mostly alone. I know my limitations and I just don't think that I would cope well at all with more than one child. I had a difficult pregnancy, DS was very hard work as a baby, screamed constantly and barely slept. He is awesome now but the toddler years are also tough going and the thought of going through the whole thing again just fills me with dread! I am also looking forward to going back to work next year and having more time to pursue my own hobbies and interests as DS gets older. Luckily he has lots of lovely cousins who live relatively close to us and lots of little friends (I am working hard to develop friendships now which I hope will be ongoing as he gets older!) plus he will start nursery next year and then school...... I also want to ensure that me and DH are able to give him lots of attention and allow him to pursue whatever hobbies he is interested in without spreading ourselves too thinly which I think would happen if we were to have a second child.

[SienaSun]

We are sticking with 1. I love being a family of 3. I've had a couple of comments about having no more being "cruel" but we are happy and people who said it were twats. No regrets

[user1468795060]

I am glad I spotted this thread. I have one daughter who is now 19 months. I am in my mid thirties and I want to have a second child but I am not sure if this can happen due to health reasons. I am thankful of what we have and love our family of three.

[SpiritedLondon]

I feel a little bit guilty about only having 1 although it's quite common in my circle of friends. I had my daughter when I was 41 and did go through a stage at around 43 when I was " it's now or never" but the thought of going back to a newborn at that time filled me with horror. I'm not hugely maternal and I never longed to have a child in the first instance, so it was a bit of a gamble even having 1. i find I enjoy my daughter more the older she gets ( she is now 4) so I guess babies are just not my thing . my main concern is that she will have to deal with my husband and I when we are elderly and won't have any support. I hope that in a few years that we will be able to move closer to my family and she will have much more time with her 3 cousins who are around her age. Other than that it's creating plenty of opportunity to play with other children. What else can you do? Families are all different.

[ayria]

I was never really a kid person before becoming a mum but I was so broody it's unbelievable. Everyone in my family has kids except the men, my brothers and uncles, so I was bound to end up "following suit". I was 19 when I was with DS's dad and he left when I was 4 months pregnant. I thought that I wouldn't be having anymore after DS as I didn't think I'd find someone that would want to be with a single mother with a little baby so I guess I kind of got my head around that whilst trying to understand how someone can abandon their unborn baby. Then I ended up having an unpleasant recovery from DS's birth, both physically and mentally. I was left with PTSD that I am only now having therapy for 3 1/2 years later (I had never gotten over his birth). And since the day I had my son I always said I'm never again going through that. I got into a new relationship and did start to worry about if he'd want kids etc. then decided that I don't have to have a baby for someone else, so that was the end of that.
It wasn't until half way through this therapy that I started to get my head around possibly having another, I was content with the idea of having a homebirth for my second if I did. I found out I was pregnant again last year and at first I crapped myself. I did think before that if I were to get pregnant again I would go ahead with a termination but in the end my heart just wasn't in it. I decided to continue and take it on as I started to think it'd be nice to have the two running around. But it all came crashing down when I started to bleed. I mc'd at nearly 11wks. We were both devastated and I immediately wanted to be pregnant again. DP said it was too soon obviously and it actually made me angry. I was so empty and lost. I felt like I had been given the opportunity to have a second then it was all taken away suddenly. My head was all over the place.

I think although I had dealt with the idea that I wouldn't have anymore, being pregnant again threw a spanner in the works and it brought up a lot of emotion. As the weeks passed I started to think more rationally and realised that maybe it wouldn't be such a good idea right now to have another, financial reasons, career etc. and also some of the reasons I didn't want anymore still stand, not much of a kid person, but my decision about having another isn't ruled by the trauma anymore, I can make the choice freely now. I don't think I'd be able to lose another baby. It'd kill me. As of now I am okay to not have another if it doesn't happen again. I think my mindset has gone back to how I was after I had my son but without the trauma in the way. I don't think my desire to have another is greater than my desire to stay as is (in every sense!) right now. I also recently started to question whether I would want the responsibilty of 2 kids. I wouldn't mind looking after a baby, I had no pregnancy problems, quick labour (that quickly turned traumatic with sh*t staff and physical injuries) and DS was a really good baby, but when they get to the age of 2...
That might sound a bit wrong but had my last pregnancy continued I would obviously have taken it on and my mind wouldn't have changed as there wouldn't have been a choice, iyswim, I would have embraced it. I would have liked having a new baby, but I also would be content with DS.

Well, I went on a rollercoaster. I've gone back and forth between my decision so many times but I think it's final now! I wanted to be a mum of three but after having DS I promptly reconsidered that and it's looking likely that I'll be a mum of one. If it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen and I'm okay with that. I've had to come to terms with my son's birth and the MC, I'm not having another to get over either of those and I know I don't need to.

[lazyminimoo]

1 is more then enough . I know what you mean about everyone making you feel it's best to have 2 though my mum said o that's not fair ti make him an only child. Well i can't have a baby if i don't really want one how stupid would that be. Unfair on the baby i think an for me as I struggle with 1 and it would probably be unfair on my son as i would get stressed if i suddenly had a new baby again an that would be bad for him his life would be more stressful too. my life is important i can't create another person just for him i have to be happy about it and i think really wanting one because i find it hard with just 1 id have to be desperate for another to do it and I'll never be desperate. I have a brother we got on well as children close but at times i wished i had a sister aswell so having my brother wasn't even enough in a way but most kids want something others have but I'm not affected by not having a sister it would have been nice but that's life can't have everything.

[littlevic]

I'm so pleased I spotted this thread! I too have been umming and ahhing about whether a 2nd would be a good idea...
My DD is 9 in a couple of weeks, I love her so much it makes my heart beat faster just talking about it, but I have never wanted another. Until now. Maybe. Or not. Actually think I'm just having a meltdown/midlife crisis :) I'm 39, hubby 42 so like Museumum it's kinda now or never, and DD does ask for a baby sister bless her. But I had a tough time the 1st few years and didn't truly bond with her until she was about 3-4yrs. Awful I know, but I just don't think I'm naturally maternal.
And starting over again really scares me - like a lot of you, we're happy where we are in our lives, both self employed, so financially we'd struggle with a new baby, and the thought of night feeds, teething, illnesses, toddlerdom fills me with fear!
I also feel the pressure from society to have the "perfect family" of 4, and worry my DD is missing out, but she is another very happy, self assured, confident child and surely having a totally drained, cranky mum for the next few years ain't gonna benefit her?!!
Go with your heart, everyone is different, there's no wrong or right answer is there? :/

[Bohemond]

We have a 1 year old. At 43 I couldn't contemplate having another even though DS was conceived naturally. I don't want two tinies close together and I want to get on with being a family which means not interrupting things with a year of 'baby' again.

We are very happy with our decision - we can give DS all our attention; we are already building friendship groups so he has company and we will be able to afford the things we want for him like a good education and travel.

The only thing I can say is that I am very happy he is a boy - we both wanted one!

[Muskateersmummy]

38, one DD 3.9 yrs.

We struggled to conceive, she was a difficult pregnancy and a threatened miscarriage throughout due to undiagnosed placenta failure, she was prematurely born. All of this cemented to us that we could never put ourselves or our families through that again. We consider ourselves bless to have one child, one more than we thought we would have.

There are for sure times I wish she had a sibling, mostly when I see other children playing with their siblings, or when she desperately wants to play and I'm too tired (I wish she had a companion to entertain her) but then I remember how little my DB and I played and how much we bickered and think it's not as rose tinted as I wish !

Our dd is the light of our lives, she is well adjusted and not spoilt (as much as any 3 year old can be!) , she's polite and happy. In many ways our lives are more simple and we have opportunities to do things go places with just her that might have been financially unviable or at least trickier with more children.

Ultimately I think people always wonder what life would be like but in the main, I'm very happy and content being the 3 musketeers

[candykane25]

41, happy with one.
More time, more money, we love our family of three.
I'm not a broody person either but I love seeing very pregnant women as I know the joy they have yet to come. But when I see a newborn it does nothing at all for me.
My own sibling also does my head frequently, much as I love her, so there are advantages to keeping it simple :)

[Brokenbiscuit]

We have one child. Not through choice tbh - I'd always assumed that we would have two, but it just didn't work out that way.

I love our little family though, and don't feel that anything is missing at all. Far from it. I think my relationship with dd is probably far closer than it would be if she had a sibling. We have loads of fun, and she is very happy. She has fabulous social skills and loads of friends, but we also have more time and money to pursue our various hobbies and interests as well as hers. Quite often, dd finds that her friends cannot do stuff because of siblings (cost, fairness, other commitments etc), and she is very aware of this, so don't think she feels she is missing out.

She is close to her cousin, who is a similar age and also an only, so that relationship will probably endure. As for carrying the burden of caring for elderly parents, I know from personal experience that having a sibling doesn't always mean that the burden will be shared.

I think social expectations make many people feel that they have to have more than one child, but I wouldn't change anything.

[elQuintoConyo]

We have one. He is 4yo. Couldn't go through the baby stage again, hated it fiercely.

He obviously gets all of our attention and focus, but isn't spoilt, he hears a fair bit of 'no'. His same-age niece (my sister in law's daughter) is as spoilt as they come, and spoilt by her GM, who also undermines Sil.

Our DS is full of please and thank you, doesn't demand attention if we're having a conversation, is happy to play alone, has lots of friends, meets his aforementioned cousin a few times a week. Saturdays he is quite happy to be a homebody and play with his toys quietly in between baking Milka chocolate cakes and charging round the garden with a stick sword

Neither DH nor I want another, so it isn't such a difficult decision for us. I must say, though, that we have had barely any pressure or comments about having another child, so that's helped too. I can be a bit forthright when people spout crap at me, so it's a good thing I haven't heard much

[Postchildrenpregranny]

I was quoting the experience of an only child 'ipaid* ..
And am not suggesting anyone has a second or more children to help look after them Again was only quoting personal experience .My sibling is male and did most of the caring as he lived near my elderly mum as I was 120 miles away with young children .But I did a lot of the paperwork and we discussed all decisions
And when our parents died we supported each other -he was the only person who knew exactly how I felt, though both my DH and his DW were very understanding

[iPaid]

Oh this one always pops up I know plenty of people, well women actually, who have siblings but have to do the majority of the caring for elderly parents without help from their brothers/sisters. Really bad idea to have more than one child just in case you're going to become dependent when you are old.

And the other old chestnut about the stress of being the focus of your parents' love! Because none of us know oldest/youngest/middle child who gets more attention than their siblings, do we?

[Postchildrenpregranny]

I would add that as my DPs got older I was glad to have a sibling to share the care,help make decisions etc.One of my closest friends is an only child who has an only child (not from choice)She says she did feel the total focus of all her DPs love abd attention which was sometimes quite hard to deal with

[Lizsmum]

i'm an only child and truly have never ever ever wished for a sibling. My daughter is an only child as it never occurred to me that I would have more than one. She seems to be very well balanced, has always had plenty of friends. She now has a daughter of her own and, due to DD's health issues, she will be an only one as well. DD might have wanted more. DGD has never seemed to wish for a sibling - she's 10 now - and again is very friendly and outgoing.

[Jo71]

I am an only child and DH is one of 4 our DD is 9 next month our DS died in 2008. My DD hates being an only child and yes life is easy but I can't do everything I possibly I can to give her a sibling. We are in the process of adoption. I have enough time love and energy to give a child a loving home and in turn make my DD v happy.

[Postchildrenpregranny]

DH was an only child and was adamant that if we were going to have DCs we should have(at least) two. It was a struggle and we have a three year 8 m gap (mc twice) , but was glad to have a second . I think a biggish gap makes life a lot easier (I was 35 and nearly 40 when they were born )

[DangerMouth]

I thought l wanted only one for a long time but l never threw out any of dd's stuff so l guess deep down l was thinking l might go again. I now have dd2 with an almost 5 year gap and my family is complete. I know this because as dd2 grows out of stuff I'm binning/giving them away

I also had an age that l didn't want a baby after which l've now hit.

I think society makes you question having an only. But have you kept any of your ds baby stuff? I think that's more an indication tbh.

[WileHallion]

I was absolutely happy with one.

When DD was a toddler and our baby group friends started having baby no.2 I couldn't think of anything worse than having being pregnant/having a newborn and a toddler. Eurgh. I knew my limitations and preferences as a parent and stuck to them.

When DD was 5 I accidentally got pregnant with DS and having another was much easier than it would have been if they were closer in age.