Need a response to constantly being asked "when are you having another"

[Daisychain1974]

I have a 5 yo DD. Since she was born I've been asked by friends, acquaintances, strangers in the street as to when I will be having another, how it's selfish not to have more, your poor DD, 3 isn't a "proper family", what a shame, you can't just have one! etc etc.

I've had two miscarriages since DD was born, the last of which was a life threatening traumatic ectopic only 3 weeks ago. To my horror I was asked the dreaded question by an acquaintance this evening. All I could reply to being asked "so will you have any more?" was "No", to which I get "oh no! Really?! I have five and you have 1!" It was like a knife through my heart. I left the event immediately afterwards.

I'm 40 now, I can't risk another ectopic and can't face another miscarriage. I shouldn't have to justify myself it if was my choice to have one, I shouldn't have to explain myself if it's not my choice - I just shouldn't be asked! I would not ask someone with 5 why they don't STOP breeding and it's such a "shame" they have so many!

What can I say to shut them up that doesn't invite further questions about my selfishness (if I make out it's by choice) or having to go into explanations about my fertility when it's none of their business? I also don't really (although tempted) to respond with a bitchy comment to an ignorant question but don't want to be left feeling like an inadequate woman who doesn't measure up either. Any tips much appreciated! Thanks.

thanks for this thread x

I have a 3.5yo DD and after 2 constant years of trying, also had two miscarriages although not life-threatening. I get this.

Straight after the miscarriages I could barely mumble a response and pretty much burst into tears and walked off at the question.

More recently I've gone with "I would have loved to, but it looks like it's not going to be possible", finished with a firm let's-change-the-topic-now stare.

Not so much help, but I absolutely understand what you're going through.

Hello,

I tend to pre-empt this and calmly say that DD isn't an only by choice when asked how many children I have. This is both entirely accurate and very vague and seems to avoid awkwardness on all sides.

Especially around other parents I personally feel its important folk know that DD isn't an only by choice as I would have loved a bigger family.

Katy

"Id rather a dog than a baby"

Another one to add to the list and one I used recently... 'if only it was that simple'

"I can't believe people feel it's ok to ask such a personal question."

"When hell freezes over."

"I feel having more than one would be selfish given how scarce resources are."

"Unfortunately my joint Chinese-British nationality means I am subject to the one child policy."

I have one child. Nice friendly smiley lovely little boy. Now why would i want to spoil that with sibling rivalry etc. I do get asked and it is annoying. I find myself explaining my reasons but not had anyone be rude about it yet.

I think the "We got it right first time"

"It would be nice,but it looks like it's not going to happen." Is my standard response. It's true, and it tends to shut people up. I used to say things like "oh, DD is more than enough / keeps us busy" etc, but now prefer to be a bit more open.

I've always said " no chance, I've done my bit for procreation."

It has always ended the conversation.

I commented on a work colleague's large gap between her 2 children and she said 'well it wasn't by choice' which had the effect of both shutting me up, and making me think before I asked anyone a personal question like that again!
Recently I've had people asking me whether I'll have another. When I've answered simply 'no' the person has looked quite disappointed, so I've felt under pressure to explain further: me and my partner have split up and I'm still single and I've not had sex for 5 years and I'm getting on so it's unfortunately pretty unlikely although I would have liked 2 children

No miscarriages here but only a single child. I am 47 and STILL get asked I mean REALLY??? I now just say I would have loved to have more but it didn't happen so we just have to get on with things as they are. If they push I tell them how old I am and they usually shut up at that point

I get asked a lot. I desperately want another but have various reasons (fertility issues, anxiety and ended up severely ill in hospital for 3 months with my DS) why it's not happened yet and I don't know if it will.

I say "it would be lovely, wish I could but DS was a miracle"

It's usually enough when they say "really?" to reply "yep, so anyways" and start talking about the weather or something random

Op it amazes me how unthinking people are and bring this up out of context

I'd be tempted to look at them at say 'wow what a question when you don't know me?'

I was shocked when the other day during a scan after a long conversation about the fact that my liver is failing, my gestational diabetes is causing myself and ds 2 all sorts of risk, and a discussion of all the risks of my pcos the doc looked at me and said so I expect you will keep trying for a girl?

Ummm no .... Two ds (2nd currently being developed) is great....

People are odd I'd not hesitate calling them out ... It's not being a drama queen to shut down insensitive idiots

After 8 years of it, I'm quite well practiced in my reasons why not to have any more and I just spout them all one after the other.

When he's 18, I'll be 40 - which is still very young - why would I want to start again and push that back to 50 or older?
Its been just us for such a long time, I'd hate to have to have another and not be able to give them that time and to make DS share his time with me.
We're a fab team and go on holidays together etc - that would be very different with another (or more)
HA! Go through TEETHING again?? And WEANING?? You must be joking!!

I found that one of DS's friend's mums had been trying to have more and had a few miscarriages, I was so cross with myself when I found out. I had been merrily asking her when she'd be having more, coz you know, that's what married people do - so stupid of me looking back.