Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
One-child families

Got questions about only having one child? Find the answers here.

Original poster

Need a response to constantly being asked "when are you having another"

65 replies

Daisychain1974 · 17/02/2015 23:33

I have a 5 yo DD. Since she was born I've been asked by friends, acquaintances, strangers in the street as to when I will be having another, how it's selfish not to have more, your poor DD, 3 isn't a "proper family", what a shame, you can't just have one! etc etc.

I've had two miscarriages since DD was born, the last of which was a life threatening traumatic ectopic only 3 weeks ago. To my horror I was asked the dreaded question by an acquaintance this evening. All I could reply to being asked "so will you have any more?" was "No", to which I get "oh no! Really?! I have five and you have 1!" It was like a knife through my heart. I left the event immediately afterwards.

I'm 40 now, I can't risk another ectopic and can't face another miscarriage. I shouldn't have to justify myself it if was my choice to have one, I shouldn't have to explain myself if it's not my choice - I just shouldn't be asked! I would not ask someone with 5 why they don't STOP breeding and it's such a "shame" they have so many!

What can I say to shut them up that doesn't invite further questions about my selfishness (if I make out it's by choice) or having to go into explanations about my fertility when it's none of their business? I also don't really (although tempted) to respond with a bitchy comment to an ignorant question but don't want to be left feeling like an inadequate woman who doesn't measure up either. Any tips much appreciated! Thanks.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
Lottie5 · 18/02/2015 23:04

"Well, you see, I don't need any any children because I am going to be the first human being to be cloned and this will be the advent of a new race of super human beings"

Then, smile, and look wistfully off into the distance.

Lottie5 · 18/02/2015 23:05

"When social services give me permission again"

elQuintoConyo · 18/02/2015 23:12

I just announce, "lord no - next one will have four legs!" and snort as if I'd never heard anything so ridiculous. People often don't know what so say after that Grin

Only one person has mentioned 'poor ds being an only', and I confess I rolled my eyes and said, "oh do shut up". Not quite rude enough to be offensive, I don't think.
Flowers for everyone

Cedar03 · 19/02/2015 16:47

I just said "I'm too old to face the sleepless nights again"
No one has dared to used the "poor little only child" thing on me.

SonnyJimBob · 19/02/2015 16:52

There's no need to be a drama queen over it, just say "no", "I don't want any more" etc.

I had 2 boys until this year, and was constantly asked if I wanted a girl, if I was having another baby to try for a girl (I also have PCOS and had an ectopic pregnancy resulting in tube removal). I said no, which shut them almost instantly.

ivykaty44 · 19/02/2015 16:56

I have a 6 year gap between mine

I was asked when I was going to have another - my weary reply to such a personal question became" I guess when we start shagging without contraception - why do you ask?" they never asked a second time

elQuintoConyo · 19/02/2015 20:27

No one has been a drama queen, as far as I have read Sonny but it can hit a raw nerve for some people, even if it didn't hit one of yours. Calling people drama queens kinda shits on them, in this situation.

CareBearWithFangs · 19/02/2015 20:44

My DD is 3 and I get asked this question a lot too. We've lost 2 babies in the past year and I'm desperate for another but I don't generally want to share this with random people I barely know so when someone asks are we going to have another I just say "hopefully" it's polite and vauge but tends to stop them pressing any further. If they ask when they I just stay "sometime in the future, hopefully". I think most people ask this question with fairly good intentions, it's just small talk and I don't think most people realise how much of a painful question it can be when your dealing with losses and and the possibility of only having one child when you want more.

MehsMum · 19/02/2015 21:06

OP, you just cannot win.
If you have one child you get, 'When are you having another one?'
If you have several children and are expecting again you get, 'Goodness, your third! Your fourth!'
If you have several of one gender you get, 'Ah, hoping for whatever-the-other-gender-is this time?' DH used to scupper that one with, 'No, I'd just like a nice one that didn't cry!'

Most people are well-intentioned and just making (rather nosey) small talk, but it's pretty shitty to have to deal with it just after losing a pregnancy. Flowers

MehsMum · 19/02/2015 21:07

Flowers for Care too - just saw your post.

GingerDoodle · 21/02/2015 06:34

I have perfection ... Why would I need another

I prefer to not risk dieing thank you

I value my mental health

Some children lend themselves to being an only - mine in one of them

We are considering private school and can only afford one; a second wouldn't be fair

Mixtape · 21/02/2015 06:39

I also have 2 DS's and am absolutely sick of being asked if I am going to try for a girl. I hate it. I don't want a girl, or another baby. As mine get older (8 and 5) it is asked less often, but honestly, what is wrong with people!

dS2 asked his friends mum why his friend didn't have any brothers or sisters, I was mortified and couldn't apologise enough.

Stillyummy · 21/02/2015 07:08

Say "We are happy as we are. I love being able to give DC all my attention. I wouldn't be able to do that with more".

My mum used to get this a lot and I remember as a 5 year old butting in and telling my aunt I didn't want a brother or sister before my mum could answer because I could see mum was upset.

Original poster
Daisychain1974 · 23/02/2015 11:29

Thank you, really helpful advice and much appreciated. I think it's a bit harsh to be called a drama queen when you are dealing with comments about the lack of siblings when you have only just had yet another miscarriage, and in particularly traumatic circumstances. A simple "no" often does not suffice as the line of questioning/criticism still continues - for some reason people think they have a right to pry further or offer their opinion on your family status and how "wrong" it is even if you offer no explanation (and why should you have to?). But thank you for the helpful comments. I will arm myself with some of those.

OP posts:
squizita · 07/03/2015 10:31

TBH I now tell the truth "I have a blood syndrome which makes me miscarry horribly. As a result I have lots of phobias and anxieties about pregnancy."
Then I let the bloody busibody feel awkward and silent for a change. They never know where to look.

Thanks For your loss and the surgery. Hope your recovery is smooth. Thanks

Littleen · 10/03/2015 11:25

Also get this a lot (my baby only turned 1 a few days ago, and people have been asking practically since we came home from hospital!) I tell them the truth, that I can't have any more. Most of the time, they don't then ask. I get so upset when people say that kids grow up selfish and so on, when they have no siblings >

toffeeboffin · 18/03/2015 00:22

Sorry for your loss.

All I can say is I sympathise. DS is 15 months and I get asked all the time. I either say 'God, no' and hope they shut up or if they do press me I say 'I don't know if I told you but I have a strangely shaped uterus?'. This usually shuts people up.

Before DS was born I got so sick of people asking me I said to several people that if you are a woman and trying to get pregnant but having trouble it must be really difficult to be asked that all that question all the time... And usually my subtlety got across! Thanks

scurryfunge · 18/03/2015 00:39

I used to get that question relentlessly. My responses varied between " I got it right the first time", " can't afford to keep holidaying in the Caribbean with more than one", " I like working and can't afford the child care " and " why do you ask?".
It's so rude and giving flippant answers is probably not the answer. It's really no one else's business.
DS is 21 this year and I'm knocking on 50 and still get asked why I didn't have more ffs.

tothemoonandback89 · 03/04/2015 16:11

I'm 26 with a 6 year old and get asked this so often, I tell them I don't want anymore and the reply I get is 'you're still young

tothemoonandback89 · 03/04/2015 16:13

You will change your mind... Thankyou for making my age a factor but I'm happy with my girl we have an awesome bond. She doesnt want any siblings either.... Why do people make having 1 child an issue??

YonicScrewdriver · 03/04/2015 16:20

"I will if you will" or "after you" or something - if you are feeling like making a joke.

Otherwise - "why do you feel you have the right to know?" is fine.

Lana2015 · 22/06/2015 22:56

I've been thinking lately what the best response is, especially as in the last few weeks my DH and myself have been getting lectures from acquaintances about 'getting on with having another child'. I had a mc just before Xmas so everything is still pretty raw and I would've been due this coming weekend. It's been a tough few months as my sister had her 2nd last month,and 3 close friends have also had 2nd in the space of the last 2 months as well.
What do you say in reply?? Both lectures have come from people with 4 children. I wouldn't dream of lecturing them back about what could be perceived as the 'selfishness' of having 4 kids, asking how they manage financially,how much attention they feel they can give all the kids and why they think the world needs more of their genetic offspring?! I find it a very personal question and I wouldn't dream of asking anyone when they're planning on having another one.
I want to say a massive thank you for sharing your experiences on here,it's been a real comfort to read and not feel like I'm totally alone with some of the feelings I have about having 'just one' DD ( all my friends and family have 2 each). If we really don't have another child through choice or circumstance then I don't want to feel like I've missed out and I really wouldn't want her to grown up feeling she is not enough because people will always ask why just the one child. I am very lucky we have one healthy,happy,dearly loved child with amazing grandparents,aunts,uncles and cousins who live very close by. I don't want to spend the next few years stressing about trying to get pregnant rather than focus on what we have right in front of us. I want to enjoy our time right now,we're doing lots of lovely things we could only do and afford with the 3 of us. I'll be dammed if these nosey people are going to make me feel bad!

elQuintoConyo · 22/06/2015 23:09

(((hugs))) Lana2015

"We won't be having another child" + stoney stare + "it's none of your business" (if pushed by someone arsey).

I have never asked about people having more dc/having so many/having big age gaps etc etc, I'm just not a nosey baggage. I admit I did say "3 boys? Oh, how much fun!" to a new co-worker. She gave me such a hug!

badg3r · 23/06/2015 00:38

How about "I'm sorry but I find that a rather personal question" or "I don't really feel we know each other well enough to discuss such a personal topic", said as sincerely as you can manage. Then change the topic or just let it hang.
I'm really sorry for your losses OP Thanks

Xenadog · 25/06/2015 15:13

My sister keeps telling me I should have another child as my 18mo DD is so lovely. (Her words). I am sick to the back teeth of it. DD wasn't planned as I've never wanted children although I do love her to bits obviously and I don't want another child. I'm also 42 so I feel too old for another child. If I was 5 years younger well....

I'm one step away from telling my sister to F off and not see her again as it winds me up incredibly.

In your position OP I think I would just reply with a "And why do you think that is an appropriate question to ask me? I find it incredibly rude." and then do the head tilt thing. Most people will back off then.

It doesn't work quite like this for my sister though.