Why do you "need" to have more than one child???

[rachndan]

We have a 6 month old daughter, and currently have no intentions of having any more children, mainly due to the cost and our house not being big enough for another.

But whenever we tell people that we dont plan on having any more if asked, they find that it is very weird and almost not right?

Why do people find it strange?

Yes I know the child may become lonely because of no sibling to "play" with, but surely they get all the attention from the parents? We know how much attention is given to a new born / baby, so surely we would miss out on so much our then 2/3 year old would be doing as we have to devote so much time and effort to the new arrival?

I am so looking forward to our daughters first foot steps, to play with her, her first day at school etc..... I would hate to feel I wouldnt be giving her my full attention.

Also people seem to be having their first child later in life now, so surely slimming the chances/need to have further children. I have friends who are still single in their early-mid 30's, so surely by the time they meet someone, settle down and then decide to start a family they would be fairly old by the time child number 2 is a possibility?

I am quite content on just having the one child.

I must add our daughter has 2 cousins, one is 3 months older than her and one is 4 months older than her. So she wouldnt be on her own.

If you are contented with having one child then I think that's amazing and brilliant, and you have no reason to feel that it's somehow not right.

It's right for you.

I find it hard to play with my children so I wanted to have another so that they always had someone else to muck about with. Not that they always get on

I also really enjoy having babies, more than probably the rest of the whole parenting experience - so it is something I crave. It is such a special thing.

But babies are for life and it sounds like you have a good attitude.

Take no notice of what people say. Your child, your body, your family...do it like you know you can, with confidence and assurance. Your child will be fine.

No-one 'needs' more than one child. No-one 'needs' to have children at all.

You're happy to have one. That's great. Other people want more. That's great too. There are pros and cons to both and there shouldn't be judging on either side

Yes -iti s nobody else's business at all. Or to even ask you when the next one is coming along??

I only have the one - and he didn't miss out (I don't think). He went to nursery half the week though - so had lots of chidren to play with.

Just because a family has more than one child it doesn't mean that they play together. I have a younger DB - we fought like cat and dog. I am sure that caused my DM more trouble than just having me (PFB) ;)

Agree with what's been said above - just do what's right for you. I think we'll stick at one as well - but never say never - we'll see!

I imagine we'll have to do more 'play date' type stuff, and we'll probably have to invite along a little friend for ds on holiday when he's older, but that's fine.

I must point out I am the father, not the mother.

But I seriously cannot wait to start playing.....hahaha, just a shame she will be playing with dolls instead of wrestling figures.

And she has cousins of the same age, and I am also hoping my sister will have children in the next couple of years too so there will be more cousins around.

I had a sister when I was younger, and I am pretty sure all we did was fight.

So I know what does DD, DH, DB, DM etc all mean?

We don't 'need' another child in our family. If we wanted one I'm sure it would all be very happy too. We have our fabulous DS and we enjoy the way it all works. I love it when we meet up with big families, i love it when we meet up with small families. We make adjustments in our parenting (like being very welcoming to friends and sleepovers and spending lots of time with cousins and choosing holidays where there are other children) just as parents with big families also make adjustments (finding individual quality time with each child, managing group dynamics and fall outs or whatever).

Some people can be judgy and opinionated about only children and spout mindless crap based on stereotypes, but they will always be judgy and opinionated about something.

There are pros and cons to both.

Only children receive all the attention and benefit from all the time and energy and (let's face it) money - obviously there are split resources with more children.

However, from the only children I know - a constant theme was that sometimes the "attention" became a little too much. When in a larger family, there is always someone to hide behind! And there is always something going on.

Ultimately I think most people find it strange because most people have at least one sibling (ime). I am one of four and my DH is the eldest of five. We have two DC at present and are planning a third... All I know is that I don't quite feel "finished" yet.

Don't be so sure about those dolls, rachn! She may surprise you.

Also don't be surprised if you surprise youselves - some people do change their mind and start to think about another...you might, you might not, either way is what's good for you.

Are you sure that everyone has found it not right and strange?
Because if you tell me you are having one child and no more I would not give the smallest toss. I am sure lots of others wouldn't either.

If you are happy with your choices then I would just ignore any other opinions. Often people are just making conversation and blather on a bit.

My decision to have more than one child was based on my experience as an only child.

Agree with Blu as a girl my most disappointing xmas pressy ever was a doll. I remember it to this day - looking at my mum and dad and thinking how can you not know me! Cue pinned on smile and thank you - token play - then out came the lego again. You don't always get a girly girl. Hence why I always think it odd when people 'want' a girl / boy as they may not be what you expect at all!

You don't have to have more than one child, but personally I think you and they loose more than they gain.

I think the social aspects of having a sibling out weigh the financial negatives.

However, much DSIS and I or DH and his DSIS fought as children we have so many shared memories of good and bad times too.

Children need other children around them, you can't always find a friend to take on a day trip or holiday or simply to pick up the other Wii controller at home.

When my GMother died it was my sister I hugged. When DHs parents died he had his DSIS to help sort things out with and to share memories no one else knew.

When DD2 is being whinny DD1 cheers me up. When DD1 is being dippy her fearsomely organised sister restores my sanity.

They are ying and yang, I can't imagine our house without one to balance the other.

And most importantly of all when they are both driving me crazy I can shout "go and play in the garden!"
And know that although I can't see our garden from the house, that they will look out for each other.

My Dh is an only child and he insisted we have more than one child.
I think the disadvantage of being an only child was brought home to me when my DM died. I have three siblings and although my relationship with two of them isn't as close as I would like, we were there for each other and our DF when it happened. I would have really struggled, both emotionally and practically, if I had been an only child (despite having a lovely and supportive DH).
DHs DF died several years later and he did indeed struggle. I think his DM struggles somewhat also as we are her only family. She lives close to us and we see her regularly, but are both busy with young Dc and working FT.
So, I wonder whether the real "need" to have more than one comes about more when you as a parent are getting older, rather than when the DC is a child.

Not that this is my reason for having more, but as a carer I see how only children really struggle with the full responsibility of looking after their elderly parents. I really feel for them, it can be so so hard when there is no one else to help you out. Of course, its not guaranteed that if you had a sibling they would help anyway but there is a greater chance I guess. Oh and I have 5 DC and when there is only 1 or two in the house, it is eerily quiet!

I wouldn't worry. If you're happy with one, then sod everyone else.

Personally I kept having the urge to have babies until I'd had three, for some reason. Probably partly because I always imagined having a big(ish) family.

It's bloody exhausting sometimes though

We only have one. Our dd was an ICSI baby, the treatment worked but ultimately caused acute kidney disease for me. I can never get over how many apparently sane people, who KNOW the whole back story, cock their head on one side and say "you'll change your mind, you now".
No I won't. I could have died. I have to think of my existing child, who presumeably would rather have a mummy than a sibling!

Not forgetting the total stranger in Costa, who told me a was a terrible mother because she'd be a lonely only.

Just ignore them. Smile and nod, smile and nod.

The most common number of children for a family in this country to have is two. Therefore, it's common to have a second child and I find most people assume that if you have one you will have another. It's also very common to have three and since I had DS2 last year I've had lots of questions about whether we'll 'go for a third'. In other words, whatever the size of your family people will comment and ask questions. Only one? Going for a third? Four - are you mad? Just smile and stick to your guns. Your family, your choice. No-one else's business.

there's always going to be someone who comes along being negative about having one - telling you that you are going to be socially inept or awkward or going to have a shit time looking after their elderly parent (s) alone.

They are in this thread, they are in 'real' life. Just ignore it.

I am having just one because (a) I had to have IVF to have my DS and (b) it's far to expensive for me to have two - plus I have a small house like you.

I am 'lucky' in that I can tell annoying people about the IVF - usually shuts them up, truth is I really am just happy with one and am not going to try for another.

I am a only. We have an only. Ther are pros and cons in having an only, just as there in having siblings. I had a happy childhood, and can't imagine it a different way...but I wouldn't have minded having another child. The person who is dead set against the idea is my DH, who has a number of siblings and did nothing but fight/compete with them in childhood (and not just in annoying sibling rivalry way - I mean in a bitter, nasty way. Putting each other in hospital through planned means.) As adults they pretty much detest each other, live very separate lives and may occasionally see each oher every few years.

Whether you have happy memories of being an only child or coming from a big family comes down a lot to the quality of the parenting in general. You can put too much pressure on an only child - or spoil them - so you have to work hard not to. Equally, siblings can feel neglected, so you have to work hard to erase that and not show any favouritism.

theres no rule says need to have more than one
if one is good for you - great.ignore the comments and inane psychobabble that you will inevitably encounter. everyone thinks they are expert on other people families

You are not weird or wrong to want only one child. However I think you are wrong to assume that a child with a sibling misses out and are in fact being just as judgey as the parents you're complaining about.

I'm certain my 2 dds gain much more than they lose by having a sibling. And at those times when I can't give either of them attention because I'm making dinner, in the shower or just too tired, they get attention and entertainment from each other.

However I have several friends with just one child and that works fine for them.

Hi OP. The acronyms are for 'Dear' or 'Darling' - the person. So 'DD' is 'Dear daughter'; DS dear son- DH- dear husband etc. DSIL is dear sister-in-law etc.

I am an only child, and the only issues for me is that my parents have invested a huge amount of emotional energy into me, which places me under alot of pressure at times. It is almost like I am responsible for their happiness- which considering I live a 12 hour plane ride away from them has created some problems. Also- when one of them passes on I feel acutely that I will have to deal with things alone, without siblings to share the load. But, with other strong family networks, these sorts of issues can be overcome- I am very close to a cousin and aunt for example. But, I have never really wanted siblings, and was not 'spoilt' which is that other offensive thing people expect. (Once when I was about 16 I said to someone - in the course of a conversation- that i was an only and he snorted and said 'You have just told me everything i need to know about your personality' in a really sneery and dismissive tone. I was so so angry.

I detest when people say you 'have' to have more than one- they can get their noses the fuck out of my life thanks! The only thing you HAVE to do is do what is right for you and your family. That is it.

People make a lot of generalisations in these arguments. I'm generalising, obviously.

You can get miserable, lonely, friendless children in a big family. You can be the only one looking after elderly parents even with several siblings. You can get an utterly spoilt, selfish child who isn't an only.

I had two so they could amuse each other. And they do, to their benefit and mine. But onlies are only going to grow up selfish, spoilt, attention seeking if their parents bring them up that way. And those parents were probably going to fuck up their children in some way no matter how many they had.