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One-child families

Got questions about only having one child? Find the answers here.

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Original poster

Why do you "need" to have more than one child???

44 replies

rachndan · 19/04/2012 09:45

We have a 6 month old daughter, and currently have no intentions of having any more children, mainly due to the cost and our house not being big enough for another.

But whenever we tell people that we dont plan on having any more if asked, they find that it is very weird and almost not right?

Why do people find it strange?

Yes I know the child may become lonely because of no sibling to "play" with, but surely they get all the attention from the parents? We know how much attention is given to a new born / baby, so surely we would miss out on so much our then 2/3 year old would be doing as we have to devote so much time and effort to the new arrival?

I am so looking forward to our daughters first foot steps, to play with her, her first day at school etc..... I would hate to feel I wouldnt be giving her my full attention.

Also people seem to be having their first child later in life now, so surely slimming the chances/need to have further children. I have friends who are still single in their early-mid 30's, so surely by the time they meet someone, settle down and then decide to start a family they would be fairly old by the time child number 2 is a possibility?

I am quite content on just having the one child.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

lilbreeze · 19/04/2012 11:20

I also think no one should have more children than they truly want, so if you and your dp only want one then that's clearly the right number for you. It would have been wrong for me and dh as we always wanted 2 or 3. No one should feel they have to justify their choice but I feel you and many others on this thread (including me!) have done just that. Why do we feel the need? At the end of the day good parenting and a happy childhood are not down to the number of children in the family.

DuelingFanjo · 19/04/2012 11:25

"the only issues for me is that my parents have invested a huge amount of emotional energy into me"

redstormrising - this is interesting and something I really don't want to create between myself and my son. I want him to have the freedom to travel and go wherever he wants to be. I really hope that I find a way not to put this emotional pressure onto him :(

TheRhubarb · 19/04/2012 11:29

Interesting discussion. I am from a family of 6 and my dh is from a family of 7. The advantages were never being short of company. As I am older I appreciate my brothers and sisters even more and am very close to one brother and sister in particular. Our family has become broken and I no longer have anything to do with my mother or a couple of siblings and I've really appreciated the support I've received from my sister and brother. I know I would have found life a lot harder if it wasn't for them. My sister also watched my back as I was growing up and really did look after me.

The disadvantages were the family squabbles of "he said she said". Feeling lost and bereft of attention.

We had one child by accident and I quickly realised that I wasn't a very natural mother. I don't find playing with children very easy and so we had another as neither my husband or I knew what it was like to be an only child and felt kind of obliged to provide a playmate for her. They are both now very close and I'm glad we made that decision.

My best friend is an only child. Both of her parents are now dead and I know she wishes she had brothers and sisters. I was jealous of her growing up as she had her mother all to herself and a quiet house. Food was never scarce and we had the whole house to ourselves. I was never allowed friends over to sleep as there simply wasn't room and inviting people over to tea was certainly not encouraged as we didn't have enough.

A child will cope either as a single individual or as part of a group. What's important is that, that child receives an upbringing that is based on fairness, love, generosity, patience and so on. Some skills you learn quickly being one of so many and those will have to be taught to an only child, but I really think there are more important needs that a child has and so long as that child has friends, perhaps cousins and is surrounded by people who love them, they'll turn out just fine regardless of whether or not they had siblings.

redstormrising · 19/04/2012 11:51

DuelingFanjo I think being aware of it is half the battle won. I find it exhausting. My DM does a nice line in emotional manipulation (she rings me weeping saying she misses me 'with every heartbeat'. Well- I can't live where they live, and every offer I make to pay for her to visit has been rejected to date.) I once turned a job down because my DF said 'you have a responsibility to us' - i.e. to not move out of the country- which I ended up doing when I met DH anyway. I think that does come down to parenting- and they may have been like that if they had more than 1 child anyway. My own worry for myself is that as DH is alot older than I (same age as my parents) that in the natural course of things I will be alone for a long time- and will lean too heavily on my own children. (Potential MIL-from hell, me!)

I think what other people have said-about how a child is brought up is more important than if they have siblings- is very true.

TheRhubarb · 19/04/2012 11:53

redstormrising - that happens even in large families. If you have an emotionally needy parent then all the siblings suffer.

hillee · 19/04/2012 11:53

JeanBodel - exactly.

redstormrising · 19/04/2012 11:59

Yes, I am sure that is probably true, TheRhubarb. Again- it is parenting, rather than family size.

DH comes from a larger family, and his experience is that his siblings would often gang up on him- they still do it too, and they are in their late 50s now!

ragged · 19/04/2012 12:03

Why do people find it strange?

I can't answer that, I can answer the question "Why didn't I stop at just one?"

I wanted a more busy household, more happening.
I love DC & the more I could love the better (not sure I'm saying that right, but if one was good 2+ seemed sure to be even better).
I felt I would would be a better mother of 2+ than of just one.
I would be a more balanced parent of 2+ than of just one (detail on previous point).
I wouldn't want me as an elderly person to be a heavy burden on just one DC; I am feeling this burden now as the only responsible sibling (my brothers are estranged), & as my father gets older. Lots of adult Onlies have expressed this worry to me in past, about their aging parents.

These points seem strong & obvious to me & perhaps I'd find it strange if someone else dismissed them out of hand. There are many obvious negative flipsides of most of my points, too, of course. May I say, imho, if your baby is only 6 months, it's a bit early to declare anything about future plans, setting aside the fact that you may not get a choice about having more DC, anyway. A cheery "I haven't a clue!" should keep most people off your back.

TheRhubarb · 19/04/2012 12:07

I do wonder why people judge about only children anyway? How do they know that the couple can't have any more children? Or that there were complications? The reasons not to have others are endless and not all of them are conscious decisions. I would tell them to mind their own bloody business!

notyummy · 19/04/2012 12:08

Ragged- whilst most of your reasons are valid, it is a little ironic that you are worried about the parental burden on only children when you freely admit that are left fulfilling the carers role alone, despite having siblings! Proof that this cannot be used as an argument towards having siblings.

slowlyburningcalories · 19/04/2012 12:13

No-one 'needs' more than one child. No-one 'needs' to have children at all.

this.

You're happy to have one. That's great. Other people want more. That's great too. There are pros and cons to both and there shouldn't be judging on either side

definitely this.

But I seriously cannot wait to start playing.....hahaha, just a shame she will be playing with dolls instead of wrestling figures.

bollocks. get rid of your gender play orientation shite and start thinking of all toys being fun and interesting. FWIW my DH is the one my DD wants to play teasets with, and all pretend play is good - be it cars for movement, dolls for caring, football for coordination or cooking or growing veg for learning about food.

SooticaTheWitchesCat · 19/04/2012 12:14

Really whether you have 1, 2 or more children is only of concern to the family. I don't see what it has to do with anyone else.

I am an only child and I can't say it bothered me in any way. I had all my parents attention just for me, I never felt lonely because I was happy with the way things were and I had friends to play with.

I have 2 children but I would never question anyone why they only had one. And whether it was by choice or not it is up to them.

Takver · 19/04/2012 12:18

"I do wonder why people judge about only children anyway? How do they know that the couple can't have any more children? Or that there were complications? The reasons not to have others are endless and not all of them are conscious decisions."

So true, Rhubarb. It always amazes me that people make such a thing of it, you'd think they'd realise that plenty of onlies are so for health/ infertility/similar reasons!

Actually, I am quite happy to have an only, being one myself & never having found it a problem. But it doesn't mean that I want to discuss the exact reasons why we don't have more with relative strangers.

One thing I would say, OP, is that some of my women friends seem to have a very strong innate drive to have several children, as soon as their babies grow up a bit they get very broody. So in that sense those particular women 'need' to have more than one.

But plenty of other families I know make a conscious choice to have more than one for other reasons - they don't 'need' to in any sense, but they want to.

Flightty · 19/04/2012 12:18

A bit of it for me was wanting to get it right second time...it was such a whirlwind the first time, you're flying by the seat of your pants and loads goes wrong or you find out stuff you wish you have known,

so the fun of a second child is the confidence you have, the useful knowledge, the calmness. Ds2 is far more secure than ds1, emotionally. I think it's because I knew what I was doing!

and I only felt like a proper mother after two. I don't know why.

Flightty · 19/04/2012 12:19

Yes OP sorry but you don't want to go into it expecting her to be girly.

Ds2 loves his dolls; ds1 never looked twice at a toy car. He was too busy with a collection of electrical cables and telephone handsets he dragged everywhere.

Keep an open mind

redstormrising · 19/04/2012 12:26

Oh yes- yy to getting it right a second time. After DC1 was born I was in a fog for a good year. I don't recall enjoying it, I was too frightened of doing it wrong.

Oh- and I was mad about my train set when I was little. hated dolls. :)

TheRhubarb · 19/04/2012 12:26

There is a school of thought that you should have no more than two - to replace yourself and your partner. If everyone did that then the world's population would remain fairly equal. As it is, if one couple have 6 and each of those children have an average of 5 each, then those have an average of 3 each, then the average goes to 4 each etc you can see how it just multiplies so that the original couple are responsible for 57 kids in the above scenario.

We should really applaud those who choose to have only 1 as they are making up for the couples who have more than 2 and actually over population is becoming a very serious issue.

Flightty · 19/04/2012 12:46

I had a train set too still do but I loved Sindies as well. Hmm.

Sadly my boys show very little interest in the Hornby stuff I keep buying, for them, obviously....

pixiewitch · 28/04/2012 10:44

Hi OP.
I haven't even had my 1st baby yet & I have had many people mention if/when I'll be having sibling/s for baby. I have received a similar reaction to you.

So I posted on here about only having 1, to try & get some understanding & received such a mixed response.

I think you just have to do what works for you & your family x people will always have an opinion about everything ...

Keep strong & Good luck x

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