Adoption. Help me please.

[Beccaboo29]

Hi there,

I've just joined so please be nice to me!

My name is Beccy. I'm a 21 year old single mum to a 3 and a half year old little boy. Just for some background I had my son at 16 and I was no longer with the dad. So at the moment I am still living in my childhood home with my mother. Things aren't to well and we argue always.

My son goes to Nursery full time and I am also at work full time. So my mother picks him up every night and takes him home.

I am really struggling at the moment just with the arguments, my son and work. I am seriously considering giving my little boy up for adoption.

The reasons why are because when I had my son I was to far on to have an abortion and I wasn't strong enough to give him up. I love him but he deserves better I know I sound horrible and really please don't judge me but has anyone else considered this?

I really need your help.

Thank you so much.

You say you are thinking of giving him for adoption but do you mean to your mother or getting social services to find him a new home? If you mean social services then he will likely go into foster care until a new home could be found for him (if a new home could be found for him at all as there are so many other children waiting to be found a new home).

It is hard work being a working single mother and i am sure living at home with your mother doesnt help because you will both have different ideas on how to bring your son up. Have you thought about getting your own place to give you some space from your mother. She could still continue picking him up from school and you could collect him after you have finished work. Perhaps she could then have him overnight a couple of nights a week to give you a break?

Does your son have contact with his father? Is he in a position to care for him sometimes?

Have you spoken to your health visitor/GP as it may be you are suffering from mild depression.

You need to think about what it is that is making you so unhappy, is it your constant arguing with your mother? having to look after your son? having to work long hours? only then will you be able to consider what options you have available to you.

finally, have you spoken to your mother about how you feel?

gosh becca... it sounds like you're in a situation where something has to give... but i'm not sure it should be that?

i am seriously in awe of someone who has a baby at 16, finishes school, goes out to work full-time and cares for a toddler!

do you think you would feel differently if you could work less maybe? and spend more time with him?
or if you had your own place where you could do stuff your way?

well done for getting this far, being a young parent is tough and working full time is tough AND living with your own parents as you parent your child is tough, you have a triple whammy there.
Stick with it. life can change, work can change, your housing situation can change, your relationship with your son can change and will change as he grows up. If you give him up for adoption you will lose that parent relationship with him but still be in a child relationship with your mother, who will also lose her grandchild.

I'd fight hard not to lose your son.
Are there possibilities for changing your hours at work to allow you to be a bit more hands on and less reliant on your own mum.

countydurhamlass - Just in general. My mother did say she would have him but I wouldn't want that I would have to move away.. I haven't told her that I am looking at adoption but she can sense that something isn't right. With regards to my own place I am trying to find a place but everything is just so expensive so that is why I need to keep working my full time hours to save all I can. I have a good job but it is quite stressful too.

My health visitor has never been involved with us only when he has to get his needles and that is it. His father is also not involved at all as he doesn't want anything to do with him.

The nights I do go out with my friends my mum goes mental at me for going out so I can't win.

Thisisyesterday - basically the same. I did stay on at school until I was 18 but decided uni was a no no because of my son.

you surely ought to be eligible for a council flat/house?

would you like to spend more time with him and bring him up more by yourself rather than having your mum doing it?
cos it is do-able you know.

i just wonder if you had your own place and you were more in control of it all whether you would feel a bit happier?

I had my son at 18, he is now almost 4. I went to uni when he was 4 months old, worked hard and got a 1st class honours degree, it is possible!!

I also live at home, although you argue with your mum it sounds as though she is supportive and helps with your son which is great, maybe once you move out you would become closer and I'm sure she would still be there to help.

There is sooo much support out there if you want to go to uni, you could do it part time, and you get lots of help with finance, I had 80% of my son's childcare fees paid for. Hang in there!!

I think it would be a good idea to speak to a doctor about how you are feeling, adoption is a huge step and you need to get professional advice. In terms of our situations we sound quite similar, I'm 22, now work part time, doing a part time Masters and it is so hard. 3 is a difficult age too, they just have sooo much energy!

Please please talk to someone professional, there is help out there you just need to be really brave and take the first step :)

Thank you so much for your replies..

I can't move out this is my issue. I work full time and can't change the hours that I do. I really enjoy my job and it is about the only thing that I really enjoy.

I am seeing a counsellor at the moment and will be discussing these issues with them.

I just don't know what to really do. He is such a lovely boy and I can totally see that but I just don't know how I feel.

Hello Becca.
I am sorry things seem so difficult for you at the moment.

I am afraid there are no gaurentees that you little boy would be adopted. As a boy and due to his age, although he would have a stable family background going for him.

He would more likely spend time in foster care and there would be no way of ensuring he stayed in one place. He could be moved around for all his life.

I am sure this is not what you are imagining when you are thinking of giving him up for adoption.

I am not saying this in order to scare you out of doing it but I think its important you understand the realities of what you are considering.

If your mother has offerered to be his carer and you really feel you cannot cope, perhaps a better option would be for you to move out.

Perhaps a flatshare or bedsit would give you the space you feel you need?

I hope that you find a way to resolve this.

but becca, as a single parent you surely would be entitled to help with housing?

it may be the case that you would need your mum to kick you out to make you "homeless" so that you would be re-housed... but it is possible, and it wouldn't mean leaving your job.

I don't want a council house though and I also earn to much to be entitled to help with housing. It's catch 22 either way.

My twin and I were brought up in a static caravan for the first 3 years of our lives, then my parents found a tiny 1 bed cottage. My own DD is living with us in a tiny 2 room (not 2 bed, 2 room, as in living room/kitchen and tiny bedroom) flat and it's a squash but manageable. Couldn't afford more than 350 so that was the only option. Saving a little now though so we're aiming for the giddy heights of a 450 2 bedroom flat next year.

My mother has a 5 bedroom house all to herself but there is no way I'd move in because I find her extremely stressful. I find that I gain a sense of a pride and achievement when fighting things through.

I understand how desperate you must be feeling but Mrs Devere has a point about the fostering. I'd feel very taking a little boy out of a loving family unit and thrown into an unstable, traumatic situation. He's old enough to wonder what he did wrong. Fostering is a godsend for abused/neglected children but your son sounds well looked after.

To me you sound very depressed and frustrated and maybe you're searching for a concrete reason why you feel so stuck. Your son is an obvious target but I seriously doubt giving up your son would make you feel better.

You do need to move out though. Can I ask in which area you're living? Might be able to find some options for you.

you'd rather give up your son for adoption than live in a council house?

i think it would be worth you seeing your GP and asking about counselling for this tbh.
tell him how you feel, that you want to give your son up for adoption, and ask what happens, because I know it's something that they talk to you a LOT about before it would ever happen... and maybe you need to access that counselling so you can talk it through with someone completely impartial?

you say you're struggling with arguments, your son, and your work.... and I hguess I'm wondering why you're picking this option out of all the others to make your life easier?
I mean, you could sort out the arguing or the work with much less ill-effect on your son surely? but you don't seem to want to

if you earn too much to be able to access help with housing then is it impossible to think that you could rent a place of your own? your mum could still help out with your son but you'd have some space of your own?

or if you really, really don't want to have him any more then he could live with your mum but you would still be close by?

i'm thinking of what would happen if you had him adopted. he would move out. i assume your mum would be pretty upset.
would it stop the arguments? you'd still be at home, you'd still be working.. it isn't going to change any of that surely?

I just feel so sad for the little boy.

As yesterday says, if you earn too much to get help with housing, then you're on a decent wage so why can't you find a nice little 1 bed flat? It won't be big maybe but it'll be YOURS and you can decorate it nicely.

Is there something else going on that you've not mentioned, as your situation doesn't really add up in my opinion. Why would the arguments stop with your mother if you're still living together, but with the added issue of having given up your son?

I stay in North East Scotland.

I have said everything I can. I work really odd shifts and I am really sorry to say but I am not one of those mums that wants to be around their child all the time.

With regards to my mum.. We argue not only about my son but things in general.

I am really struggling with life in general at the moment and have spoken to a counsellor and am taking it from there.

I love my little boy but feel he would be better off with someone who would appreciate him more.

Why don't you move out and let your son stay with your mum? Then you would get some breathing space and his life wouldn't be disrupted.

I am sorry that you feel that you cannot live with your son.
The point is that you are the adult and you have the choices here.

If you feel you cannot be a parent to your son you should allow your mother to be his carer. If that means you move out that is what you should do.

As a single woman with a good job you will be able to find a rental property.
Your mother can claim CB and CTC/WTC for your son as his main carer.She will be able to apply for a Special Guardianship Order so she has PR for him.

Your son will remain in his home with someone he knows. The loss of his mother will affect him but at least he will have some consistancy.

As your mother has already said she will have him, adoption is not in his best interests, or yours. Even if it feels that way.

You may feel that if he is adopted you can have a fresh start. It really is not as simple as that. Adoption means forever. You will lose all legal rights to have contact with your child. You will no longer be his mother.

As has already been stated - you son will not go from your home into a new adoptive home. He is likely to spend time in foster care and there is no gaurentee that he will be adopted. You really need to take note of this.

If your mother tells SS that she wants to keep your son SS will be unwilling to get involved.

It may be that you are suffering from depression. It does seem that way to me. I feel sad that you are feeling this and want to take such extreme measures.

Others have mentioned that you seem to be focussing on your son as the root of your difficulties. It sounds like that to me too. This makes me think that you could do with some help in working out what is going on. If you need to move away to do this then do it.

Your son will be well over 4 before he is anywhere near being adopted.
This means that his chances of being adopted are low.

If you say you do not want to care for him I belive you (and I am not judging you because I dont know why you feel like this) but do you really want your son to spend his life in care?

I really urge you to get some help. I hope you find a way through this.

Your son is the most important person in this situation.

Well I'm wondering if this is depression or if this is just a self absorbed young woman who never grew out of her adolescence and now feels the need to make up for it?! Do u really think giving him away for adoption will ease the guilt? Out of sight out of mind? Trust me nothing works like that! What is this job you love more than your son? Your mother provides a roof over your head and cares for your son yet you are willing to let him suffer through the system...out of spite? To whom? There is something you are not saying... Are you an addict? A dealer? An escort? FFS has everyone on mumsnet turned soft in the head?

That could be the case myhead but it most likely is not.

I doubt that the OP would bother posting on MN if it were.

Her feelings are without doubt abnormal. Why she has them is not really the point ATM.

What is important is that she realises that her fantasy of her son being adopted to a family and everything being all lovely is just that, a fantasy.

And no I am not soft in the head. Far from it.
I just know there is nothing to be gained from ranting at a stranger on the internet and expecting it to make any difference.

I am concerned with getting the information across.

The OP's plan is not the best one and its not going to work. The sooner she realises that the sooner she can stop using it as an obstacle to sorting this situation out.

In most cases I would agree, i may come across as a heartless bitch on this one however a week later and the OP has received so much support and great advice yet she has made no referral to her DS's feelings, character or behaviour or showed any remorse for these feelings she has and the repercussions they will have as has been pointed out by everyone. If anything she has indicated (IM possibly harsh O today) that she has v little feelings for this poor boy and would rather stay living at home, save money, go out, corner her mum into just dealing w it and work her fun job. So no, I just can't sympathise.

For me, the total lack of empathy for her son is what makes me think otherwise myhead

Even with some of the worst cases I have come across the parent seems to do a lot of 'justifying' IYSWIM.

Its all very shallow and selfcentered justifying but its there.

The OP sounds totally flat and rigid in her thinking that this is the best way forward.
I could be wrong, there is no way of telling if I am or even if this is genunine.

She needs to do something though. Her first option is not going to be as simple as she thinks because SS are going to say all the things I and PP have said.

Last thing they want to do is take on a nearly 4 year old who has a loving relative willing to care for him. They are not keen on footing the bill for raising a child because the parent doesnt want to.

I hope she takes a step back and I hope she considers what has been said on here. Abandoning a child to the care system is something that causes repercussions for generations.

Whatever the reasons, whatever the circumstances, this is all very sad.

She sounds like she is depressed and suffering from terrible low self-esteem to me.

Good luck OP, don't make any hasty decisions, and please do continue with your counselling.

fab posts from mrsdevere

another thing you need to think about OP is how your relationship qwith your mum is going to be after you've had your son given up...

I would imagine your mum cares a great deal about him. Having him adopted doesn't only take him out of your life, it takes him out of hers.

will she be happy to go on living with you if you've had her grandson adopted~

I just can't help but think that there is a far simpler solution. let him stay with her, and you move out.
it sorts out the issue of you arguing
it sorts out the issue of having to work and have a child

It's hard but it will improve

My mum left me with my Nan at a similar age (she was a young mum also) and came back for me when I was around 5
Our relationship suffered tremendously and even today at 40 I don't think of her as my parent

Think really hard about what is best for your boy because he only gets the one childhood

How dare you Myheadmyworld!!!! How can you make such an assumption based on what I have said!! I have never touched drugs! Nor am I selling sex!! You are a horrible person to think that!!

I came here looking for help and not to be judged.. Unfortunately I have not found that from yourself.

Like I've said I love him but I feel like I am failing him.

I am getting help from processionals at the moment so hopefully things will improve.

I think they will Becca.

You will be judged for wanting to give up your son and I think you should be realistic about that.

I am struggling to understand your reasoning which is why I think you have some serious issues going on.

Your thinking isnt logical and it isnt in your son's best interests.
I can see no point in judging you harshly but I am going to be honest with you because you asked.

Adoption is not the easy option here. Not for you and absolutly NOT for your son.

I hope you can find someone who will help you make sense of your feelings.