Got cold feet (opinions, please)

[KensalMama]

Hi, everyone. I have a little boy who's almost 2 years old. I will be 42 in a few months. My husband and I had been ambivalent about trying for a second one, but a few months ago we decided we would start trying after we'd returned from a trip abroad (I'd had two MC in the past, both after flights)... But then, when the moment came, we used contraception... I think he's not 100% sure, and as for me, I'd been the one wanting a 2nd child, but I've got cold feel now.

To be honest, I would ideally have wanted to try for a second child. I'm an only child myself, and although I'd never wanted a sibling, I found it very hard when I lost both my parents within 5 years of each other (I was single in my 30s then). Friends and extended family rallied round, but I craved the comfort of someone who'd known my parents really well, and that someone wasn't there. Nobody to reminisce with, either ~ which was my main reason for really wanting to give my son a sibling.

So I have been getting cold feel about it: the reasons?

(1) I am almost 42. I am worried I might have a difficult pregnancy, or complications (MCs like before, or premature birth, which was the case with my son ~ ruptured placenta). Also not sure if I can cope being pregnant with a toddler running around.

(2) Minimal help at home. My husband works 6 days a week, very busy professional with portfolio career & highly pressurised job, brings work home etc. He loves our son but is exhausted most of the time. Grandparents are all dead except for my mother in law, and she helps by coming over and playing with our son / taking him out to the park one day a week while I work. She doesn't "muck in" with household stuff (I do all the cooking/ tidying up etc.) so I get quite tired.

(3) When I became pregnant and then when our son arrived, the tension in our household rose sky-high. I don't think my husband understood how exhausting it is (although he does seem to notice when HE'S the one looking after our son). Truthfully, my husband and I haven't been getting on during the past 2 years and are in fact going to marriage counselling. We love each other and wouldn't want to break up, but I'm worried that adding another pregnancy/ baby into the equation (with all the challenges / fatigue that might bring) might tip us over the edge. Our son is a good-natured child, but full of energy, has been a very bad sleeper all his life and I never get a chance to get anything done. He doesn't sleep through the night, either.

In conclusion: I have no CONCRETE REASON (e.g. medical) not to try for another child... But I'm not sure my marriage and my sanity could cope. When I see how tired/ stressed we get with one, I'm not sure if we'd be OK. I don't fancy having a full-time stranger (au pair) around and there's no family to offer any substantial practical help. Although I'd have ideally tried to give my son a sibling, I feel my gut telling me that a sibling + tension at home + a total loss of myself for another 2 years is a huge price to pay. I don't feel "too old" as such, just wary of exhaustion + arguments at home.

Am I being selfish? Am I short-changing my son? Please tell me what you think. Thank you for reading such a long post.

Your not short changing your son at all, I am a happy only with an only who also has an only cousin with an only! So lots of us in my family...we all seem pretty happy. If you aren't sure your marriage will survive then don't do it, surely its important that the son you already have has two happy parents who are together living happily with no stress then two parents divorced?
My friend has just had her third and split from her husband when they couldn't cope......she knew they were on a thin line before they TTC the third. Why do people do it?

Have you seen this thread here?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/one_child_families/1354214-Its-a-massive-decision-and-I-just-dont-know-what-to-do

Some similar experiences and good (ahem ) advice there.

Thanks, Llanarth! I have seen this thread, can see SOME similarities, however this lady & I differ in that my husband has never stated he doesn't want No.2. It's more to do with my assessment of his patience/ energy levels & also my lack of help and my age. So I would love your view, and that of other mums, on my individual circumstances. In my case, I will be bearing the decision making burden... Thanks :)

Have you actually laid this out to your DH? The burden of this decision should not lie with you alone.

From reading your post I would think one child is plenty nobody needs a sibling but they do need happy relaxed parents.

I have one on the way and at the beginning of the pregnancy thought I was going for 2 (maybe even 3!) but the closer to the end I get the more I know this is an only child - nobody prepares you for the discomfort/tiredness that preganacy brings and doing that again with a demanding toddler? Eh no.

I can empathise totally. The most important thing for your child surely is having happy parents who love each other? Think about reasons you want to have another child and see how important they really are to you (both!) compared to your very valid reasons not to.

Also, be prepared that there is likely to always be that 'what if we'd' floating in your mind - esp around friends' babies, so you need to be able to be sure you can manage those feelings and your DH will be understanding that you said no to number 2, but still want to be a bit sad about it sometimes.

Next holiday look at the knackered parents with 2-3 kids and feel happy that you only have one to deal with.

I think I would repeat that you need to take your DS out of the equation (as there is no way of knowing whether his life will be better for having a sibling or not, the odds are equal either way). Your own experience suggests that you would have been happier (as an adult) with a sibling, but that is making the big assumption that you had a sibling that you had a good relationship with. For as many friends I have who have close, supportive adult relationships with their siblings, I know as many who have bitter or negative relationships, and the majority (like me) have an indifferent relationship (e.g. if my parents had died in my mid-30's I would have seen my brother at the funeral, and maybe once or twice a year thereafter. And that's it).

Do you (and DH) actually crave another child? Would that child enrich your lives? To me, it sounds as if you have solid and sensible reasons for stopping at one (but I appreciate that these decisions are often emotionally rather than rationally driven). I have to say though, I agree with cherrycat that whichever way you look at it, the outcomes for your DS will be better if he is brought up by two happy, chilled devoted parents with an intact marriage, than if he is brought up by unhappy, stressed resentful parents.

In these type of discussions someone always pops up and says 'you'll never regret having a another child, but you might regret not having another' but logically that's bollocks as everyone has to stop somewhere (why stop at 12 children if 'no one ever regrets having another child'?). The place at which to stop is different for every family - for some it's at one child, for some it's at the typical 2-child nuclear family ('an heir and a spare' as my DFIL so charmingly put it to me over xmas!), for some it's 3 children, some 4 or more. It's harder to stop at 1 child, than at any other family size number, as a) there are fewer one-child families around than multi-child families so you feel a bit alone b) there is still a (unwarranted) stigma about having an only child. But if stopping at one is right for YOUR family, then it's up to you to be brave and make a stand.

Gotta dash, got to get ready to go out for New Years Eve (at our friends' house, taking our very portable only DS (3.5) with us to sleep upstairs while we're enjoying the party!)

As always, I can do nothing more than applaud LLanarth. She offers wise counsel.