It's a massive decision and I just don't know what to do... :-(

[HomemadeCakes]

I really need some advice and possibly individuals' own experiences so that I can make an informed decision...

I am 37 and my DH is 35. We have a gorgeous 2 year old DD who has been a really really easy baby. Slept through from 5 weeks, potty-trained in a week without any problems at all and has really been very easy (other than being a bit of a fussy eater...).

However, DH and I are very different characters. He never wanted to get married and have children, but he said that he did both for me because he knew it's what I wanted. He has now agreed to have a second child but only because I want one, not that he does.

He loves DD to bits and is a good Dad, but doesn't 'enjoy' being a Dad if that makes sense... He can't handle her when she cries or gets upset. He just gets frustrated and short-tempered with her. Whereas I feel that I've taken to motherhood really well and find it very natural. Which came as quite a shock to my family as they always saw me as a career-girl. They are amazed at how I've taken to Motherhood. I honestly feel that my DD is the only achievement in my life.

When DH agreed to have another baby, I was over the moon and felt complete. But our relationship since having DD has been very strained. In all honesty, it was strained before because it wasn't what he really wanted. He loves me, no doubt about that, but he likes material things and hobbies (motorbikes, surfing etc) and he knows that if we have another child, we won't have the money to do those things. We both work full-time and save as much money as we can so that we can do some nice things and buy nice things, but large expenses won't be possible when we're going to be paying £1k a month on childcare!

Also, he tells me that I'm a fantastic Mother but a crap wife. He does do a lot in the house so I have no complaints about that, but emotionally he's shut down. A long story but that will never change so I have to like it or lump it in effect. The physical side isn't great either, I have virtually no Libido and that's always been a problem for me, even in past relationships. My GP has tried by changing pills etc and I'm not taking any contraceptive at the moment but still no change. That's a major problem for him and causes a lot of arguments.

So my question is this. Do I risk bringing another baby into our lives knowing that he doesn't really want one and doesn't enjoy being a Dad. I know that it will put a massive strain on our marriage as the last two years have proved with DD. He can't stand babies crying and I know that for every sleepless night we have and if I get a bit low I will be told 'well it's your fault, I said we shouldn't have had another one'.

DD is a very happy very well-loved child. For all his faults he worships DD and would do anything for her. But I worry that one more will tip the balance too much the other way (if having one hasn't already...). He says that he couldn't bear to be a part-time Dad so I don't think he'd leave us, but I wonder that the alternative of being permanently miserable would be worse.

On the flip side, I get a horrible sick feeling in my stomach at the thought of only having one child. DD loves babies and other children and will always have cousins and friends, but is that ever the same? My Mum was an OC and hated it, which is why I have 4 siblings. I wouldn't want anymore than two DCs anyway, but is one more just one too many in our current situation.

There are lots of pluses to just having one, more money, I could dramatically reduce my hours to be there for DD before and after school and we would be comfortably off.

But the sick feeling is the downside of just having one. Once I've made the decision, will the sick feeling go away. Is it being in limbo that's caused it?

Sorry this is so long and thank you if you've got this far!

I had a sick feeling in my stomach at the thought of only having two. TBH, I think I would have had it after three or even four.

So I stopped at two.

I wouldn't have another child unless I was very, very secure in my relationship, if I were you. And it doesn't sound as if you are.

And yes, the feeling does pass.

Thank you Abra1d for your views. You are right, I don't feel at all secure in my relationship right now and that's the reason that I am having such big doubts.

I am worried though because I have made 3 very close friends since having DD who each have one child the same age as DD, one is PG with number 2 and the other 2 are planning their second DC. I feel that I will be devestated as each one gets PG and I don't. I know that sounds silly and I shouldn't look at their lives, but because it's something I so desperately want, it will make it so painful to be around them.

Sorry if that sounds really selfish, but I will obviously be happy for them aswell!

I think the sick feeling does have a lot to do with being in limbo.

I felt much better once I had firmly and definitively made the decision not to pursue fertility treatment for a second child, and moved on in that direction (telling people, planning career changes based around no more children, allowing myself to enjoy the positives - there are many - of just having one child). I do still have occasional wibbles (I'm having one today which is why I am haunting the one-child family boards!) but in general, making an decision is incredibly empowering.

What were you Mum's reasons for not enjoying being an only child? Can you identify anything you can do in your own parenting of your DD to address/overcome/prevent these issues? The latest research shows that only children are as happy, or happier, than children with siblings, and are just as popular with classmates as children with siblings (debunking many of the 'only child' myths) so I don't think you should assume that having a sibling is the better outcome for your DD, all other things being equal.

And that takes us to the nub of your issue - all other things are not equal - your DH doesn't want another child, and having one would (probably) have a negative impact on your relationship with him (and may be damaging to your DD). I don't think I can advise you on this - the popular mantra would be 'don't bring a child into a struggling relationship' - but having children is a incredibly personal experience and is motivatated by the most selfish of urges. Would you be happier aged 70 with one child and a possibly repaired marriage, or would you be happier with two children and a damaged or possibly failed marriage? Only you can answer this.

But please, take any feelings of guilt towards your daughter for being an only child out of the equation in your decision making. The research simply does not back it up.

I hope someone with some experience of this can offer some insights. It certainly sounds as though you and your DH could do with some counselling, but if he's as emotionally shutdown as you describe, it might not be something he would consider.

But god's honest truth, I couldn't think of anything worse than my DH saying "well it's your fault, I said we shouldn't have another" if I was at the end of my tether with a crying baby. I think if I thought my DH would ever say that, I wouldn't have another.

I really feel for you x

Thank you so much Llanarth and you are so right.

When we first had DD, I had a really tough time and said myself, never again (down to the birth itself, not the way DD was) and was quite happy to just have the one.

When we were heading down that particular road, we agreed the changes that we would make based on my DMum's experiences, as you quite rightly suggest. One was that her parents were older (like us really) so she was bored. She did a lot of swimming and horse-riding to get out of the house, but she said the worst thing was school holidays. She was on her own with my Nan (who didn't work - I guess a lot of Mothers didn't back then) and she was incredibly lonely.

So I said to DH that if we went on holiday when DD was older, we would always take one of her cousins or friends with us. So it would be expensive, but important for DD.

We would also ensure that she had plenty of people around her in the holidays (although she would anyway if I worked full-time). I have no doubt that I will remain very close to the other three girls and their DCs so she will always have familiarity around.

But I guess I should sit down with Mum and ask her in depth about it, to make sure that we do as much as we can to ensure that DD doesn't feel lonely.

Cakes I could have written your opening post word for word!
We have had another child though, she is 6 weeks old and DS is 3.2. DH has taken to DD much better than me, and has come into his own with her, whilst I have struggled. Both our reactions have surprised me.

Hi Bike (apologies, it seems disprespectful to shorten it but about to go into a meeting!),

But was your relationship in a dire situation like ours? I guess that's my biggest worrry, that it'll tip us over the edge...

Congratulations!!

I completely agree that you can take the 'only child' question out of the mix of things to grapple with. If you are a sensible parent you will make sure that your child does not suffer as a result of being an only, just as sensible parents of big broods make sure that their children do not suffer from that.

I would start on your relationship. Not at the stage when you talk about having more babies, but 'how do we make our relationship make us happy?'. Is your DH just a man to be a father to your babies and contribute to their upkeep? Or is he there as your soulmate as you navigate life together? My advice would be go back on some contraception (so he knows that he isn't in role as stud) and spend a few weekends away together, touching base as a couple, rather than as co-parents. Or go to counselling together. This would be a valuable investment for your own and your dd's sake, whether or not it leads to a joint decision about another baby. You could take a conscious decision to cease ttc for 8 or 9 months and sort this out.

Then you will know more, such as:
Do you actually relish and respect your DH enough to have him as your DH without another baby?
Do you want another baby so badly that you would jettison your DH and be a single parent to 2?
Have you decided that in actual fact you and DH no longer have a viable relationship at all, and therefore do you really want him as the father to a new child?

Cakes (matey abbreviating back-at-ya)

No, our relationship was pretty good, allowing for the stresses of living with a 3 yo! Has been put under more stress since DD was born though as 1 - DH has been put on a three day week, which thus made him tell me about 2 - His credit card debts. I am terrified of financial instability and debt; combined with post pg hormones, there have been a lot of tears recently.

Once again on one of these threads I'm going to turn up as the Llanarth Fan Club.

She's said all I would have said. I think your first priority has to be getting your relationship into a better place - I'm not sure whether "crap wife" is your husband's actual words or a summary but, either way, there are clearly some big issues there that need to be resolved. Then, after that, is the time to evaluate the arguments for and against having another child (and I realise that these two stages aren't clear-cut because one of the looming issues for your relationship is the question of a second child, but even so I think you have to start with the relationship issues and work from there). At its very starkest, you may need to consider whether you want a second child badly enough to risk the collapse of your marriage.

I wish you all the best.

HomemadeCakes you have my sympathies, although I don't think I can help much I would just like to tell you about my own experiences.
I am 41 and DH is 38. We have DD who is 2.2, so tecnically we are both old parents. To a certain extent I think we became very selfish in our previous single lives, we were always eating out, going on holiday, nice clothes, flash cars, huge mortgage. However we both felt we needed more and decided to have DD quite late, things have changed completely. We both love staying in with DD, trips to the park, walks by the river and the simpler things in life.

I think what I am trying to say is that if having DD hasn't changed your husbands mind about all the materialist things then having another one will only make things worse. At the moment he can still enjoy his "previous" life to a certain extent and enjoy DD. Having another one will tip the balance and that might be a bit too far.

Which brings me to the "only child" worries. Both DH and I are only children, and both have completely different views on it. I had a fantastic childhood, my parents split up when I was 8, so really it should have been traumatic. I was always doing things with one or other of my parents, and always invited along a friend. I had a very strong bond with two other girls in my street and during the summer holidays the mums would take it in turns to look after us, give us our tea and get us ready for bed. I have very fond memories.

DH on the other hand hated it and felt very lonely and longed for a sibling, however I don't believe this was directly related to being an only child I believe it comes from the fact that he was brought up knowing that the man he called "Dad" was not his father and he did not have a good relationship with him. I think his Mum married him to give DH some security (it was the 70's) and as he grew up he resented it.

My feelings are how could I miss what I never had ? I know so may people that have siblings that they don't get on with at all.

Best of luck with your decision

Llanarth great post.
I can whole heartly say I had a fantastic childhood and have a fantastic relationship with my parents. I wasn't spoilt materialisticly (is that a word?) but emotionally they gave me everything.

Thank you all so much.

I went out with a couple of friends last night and talked things through with them. They both echoed all the great advice that I've had on here, so thank you. They also said, never say never and not to mention to DH that I'd closed the door on having another child, but to put it on hold.

One of Llanarth's excellent questions was whether I would be happier at 70 with one child and a happy marriage or with 2 children and possibly a failed marriage.

Now this answer may be strange, but if I had to choose, I would actually go for the latter. Some of that may be based on the fact that I have a very good friend who was in my situation. The only difference was that they thought a second child would help their relationship so they had one. When the youngest was 2 years old, their marriage broke down. So she was left with 2 small girls. I spoke to her yesterday and she said that as much as being a Single parent of two children was incredibly tough, it was preferable to the marriage that she had and she wouldn't change what happened.

Of course the difference with me is that I have the foresight now to know that having a second child will NOT fix the marriage, in fact it is very likely to make it worse. So as much as years down the line I will regret not having a second, if the marriage doesn't work anyway, only one child will be effected.

Anyway, I feel like I'm waffling now and none of this is likely to make sense as I've only had 3 hours sleep due to DD being poorly. But I just want to thank you again for all your advice.

xx

Hi, my dh is like urs in that his holidays, car, social life and free time r very important to him. He didn't want kids and I did, we decided to have one (Or I was leaving). R ds is 4yrs and he is the most caring wonderful dad there is, however he and I know another child would tip the balance. He had the snip when she turned 1. I was unsure at the time but as time goes on I love having one child, it's like all the best bits and time for myself and for us as a couple. I decided a one child loving family was more important than the risk of another child and breaking up the family unit. We have a very good happy relationship but I must admit I was never broody, just felt perceived social guilt at having an only. I second ur decision to wait and work on ur relationship first.

I agree with zenam about the social guilt of having an only (I have been told that I am 'cruel') but it is very reassuring to read Llanarth's post about the latest research debunking some of the myths.

For DH and me it was a joint decision not to have another, although he has always been more certain about this than me, but I think two would have put us under real strain. We feel that with one we are enjoying the best of both worlds - family and the financial flexibility to indulge ourselves every now and then. DS is very happy and never seems to be or complains about being lonely. You do have to be prepared to be your DD's playmate as well as her parent though - channel your inner silly child!

TeamDamon and anyone else not familiar with the research, here it is:

Only children are not ?different?
A 1987 quantitative review of 141 studies on 16 different personality traits found no evidence of any maladjustment in only children. The most important finding was that only children are not very different from children with siblings. The main exception to this was the finding that only children are higher in achievement motivation.

Only children are as happy (or happier)
One of the widest-ranging research projects on family life conducted in Britain (2010) has revealed that the fewer siblings children have, the happier they are ? and that only children are the most contented.

Only children have friends
A 2010 US study of more than 13,000 11- to 18-year-olds found "only-children" were chosen as school friends just as often as peers who had brothers and sisters.
Each student was given a roster of all students at their school, and asked to identify up to five male and five female friends, allowing the researchers to see how popular a student was by counting how many times peers identified him or her as a friend. There were no significant differences in that number between those who had siblings, and those who had none.

Thank you for that Llanarth. Have just come from another thread on this subject where - among other blindingly crass and ignorant judgements - one of the more spectacularly insensitive was as follows:

"All the only children I have known are nutjobs, one way or another. Either complete attention whores or majorly old before their time or spolit madams or great big mama's boys..."

So as you can see, I am feeling particularly pissed off at the moment - am so tempted to take your research over to the other thread and tell all those slagging off only children to stick it where the sun doesn't shine!

My child is NOT a freak. He really isn't. He is funny and clever and loving and plays so well with his friends. He is not, not, not a 'nutjob' or an 'attention whore' or a 'great big mama's boy'

TeamDamon - In your shoes, I wouldn't bother. People who think in such simplistic terms aren't usually interested in evidence or anything else that doesn't fit with their prejudices.

I have just read your thread after searching for research on the effects on children of being an 'only'. Does anyone have any links so I could have a read for myself? I know the thread is a month old but I'm hoping someone is out there!

DH doesn't want another child, he has no urge to, and feels that our relationship may be irrevocably damaged by having another if he doesn't really want to. It breaks my heart, though, to think of 2 yo DD as all alone in the world, without a sibling. Bottom line, it just feels as though something, or someone, is missing from our family

I am close to my sister, DH rarely talks to his brother, so this may affect things. We have agreed to shelve the issue for a few months, and both do some reading and research. Sounds cold and academic when I type it out, but it's such a heart wrenching decision, I need some emotional distance from it.

TIA

Hi, I'm still here! The references are below

Only children are not ?different?
www.jstor.org/pss/352302

journals.cambridge.org/action/displayAbstract?fromPage=online&aid=1334992

Only children are as happy (or happier)
www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2010/nov/14/only-children-happier-competition-bullying
(sorry, can't find the primary source)

Only children have friends
www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-10967749
(again, the primary source is a gov document so a bit obscure to track down)

This book here www.amazon.co.uk/Parenting-Only-Child-Challenges-Raising/dp/0767906292 also contains lots of evidence.

Apologies in advance for being so crap at formatting links!

Very sorry you are struggling with this issue, I hope you can arrive at the best decision for your family.

Thamks so much, Llanarth , I will have a read.

I just I have no reference point apart from my own childhood/adult experiences of being one of two, and I need something slightly more objective!

Thanks again.

I am only and I don't believe I have suffered in any way because of that. My DH's only negative comment relating to my only child status is I am not great at sharing (in the sense of liking my own space, doing things my way) because I never had to battle with siblings over that sort of thing.

I had a great time as an only - I was at a childminder's from very young with other children, and as I got older, my parents very kindly let me take a friend on holiday (as you have discussed OP). In fact, as an only, my parents could afford things for me which I know friends of mine with siblings missed out on - school trips, musical instruments, dance classes.

I have only just discussed with my mum why I am an only (having wondered all my life!) and all I can say is, I'm glad she took the decision which made her happy rather than have another out of guilt for me being alone.

OP not sure if that is helpful - but I would echo other posters above, that you need to try and balance the potential strain on your relationship with DH with your own desire to have another child.