I just don't like it :(

[RosyJ]

My ds has just started full time nursery. It was not our first choice of nursery, but I had to put him somewhere as I needed to go back to uni last week and its the only place that had a space free. Anyway, we have always been a bit iffy about them, they (the managers) just seem to be saying what we want to hear even if that means contradicting themselves.

He had his settling in sessions, 2 hours a day for three days, last week and started full time today. I didn't think that this was long enough to settle in but was assured it was fine when I asked them about it. They said a baby his age (14 months) doesn't know the difference between being there 2 hours and being there 8 hours. The first two settling in days he was really unhappy, then the third one he seemed fine, but he also came home with conjunctivitis! Today we both cried when I left him, but I phoned later and he apparently was fine. When I came to pick him up he was sitting at the table with the other children eating their snack and crying his little heart out. They said he had been fine all day and had only started crying them because he took his 'friend's' piece of bread and had to give it back. He was all puffy and looked like he had been crying a while, yet no one was comforting him or even talking to him. I was a bit put out to walk in to find him crying and not being comforted as he is still only a baby and doesn't understand doing right and wrong. He was really screaming after a brief chat with them about his day, I said I was just going to take him home and his key worker said 'alright' in a really sarky voice, looked at me like I was mad and shut the door on me. I'm really upset now as this woman is supposed to be caring for my child yet she acted like a stroppy teenager. I would have thought she would understand that he was screaming, so I was finding it hard to concentrate on saying good bye properly.

He has to be off for a couple of days as the conjunctivitis needs treatment and I'm so tempted to just not take him back. They haven't done anything 'wrong' but I just don't really trust them and generally feel uneasy. I don't like what they feed him (chicken drummers!?) or what they do with them and I feel like I have started off on the wrong foot now and they are going to be funny with me and maybe ds too. I cant just remove him and leave my course after one off day but I don't feel comfortable sending him back.

Am I being over sensitive? Part of me thinks I should toughen up, I'm being a bit silly and I would probably feel this way where ever he was, but the other part of me says why should I put him somewhere I don't like when he could be at home with his mum. I don't have to finish my studies now, but I do want to so I'm torn. DP doesn't like it either but doesn't know what we should do.

Oh RosyJ-this could've been written by me!!
DS 14 months, had a couple of settling in sessions and not enjoyed it, then started f/t last week for 2 days. He hated both days, sobbed, didn't sleep/eat etc and since then has been on hunger strike since. I can't leave him for a second and it's heartbreaking to see a little boy who once ate for england not eating a thing. He's really not himself but also had mmr jab a week and a half ago so not sure if this is to do with that however no fever or any other symptoms. My general feeling is however strange this may sound is that it's almost like
he's been traumatised.
Have just had a long chat with my MIL who is a GP and she also feels it's psychological. I'm very lucky in that she's offered to take him as well as my 4year old for the 2 days i'm working and i don't think i'll be sending him back as my gut instinct has never been so good about this nursery.
Saying that though DS1 loved his nursery and was there from 14 months although he was in my first choice nursery and they were fantastic.
I'm leaving the whole nursery thing for DS2 for a few more months then may try to get hims into DS1s nursery when he's a little older.
I don't think you should toughen up at all-some children are more sensitive than others and believe me some nurseries are much better than others.Go with your instinct, I know i am and i totally understand how you're feeling. I hope you find some way to work it out and if i could lend you my fabulous MIL i would!!
xx

Oh really feel for you, going back to work / uni is so hard.

I too had put ds in nursery and had v similar feelings as you. After a short while I noticed the staff didn't seem to know much about child development, or seem particularly caring.
At first I put my anxieties down to "going back to work guilt" - I was really upset, and wanted to be at home, but financially it wasn't an option.

Most babies cy when you leave them with other people for a while, even family, but it sounds as though you are not happy with this place, and all three of you are upset so I would take him out!

If you can resume your studies later maybe that is an option for you, or find a lovely childminder instead? Ds goes to one now and we are all so much happier - though ds sometimes still cries - my gut feeling is better and I know he's being looked after by a caring mummy.

Go with your instinct and what you feel is best for ds and you can't go wrong.

Take him out of there . it sounds awful - crying his heart out and no one coming to him - I am sure you would never be happy with him in there.
You can return to your studies when he`s older.

cry

a friend of mine has just sorted a nanny-share (as they are so expensive etc) - maybe someone else on your course is in the same boat so you could do this, or maybe the college/uni has a creche so you could be near by?? This place sounds awful but I don't think you should stop your studies

There is another woman on my course with a boy in his room at nursery, but she seems fine with it and gave me the cold shoulder when I tried to chat to her about it so no luck there. I have just gone back after mat leave so I don't really know anyone yet!

The uni has no creche or any form of help at all, I have badgered them about it but no joy. I going to attempt to talk to his key worker today as I have to go in for a forgotten teddy and his milk. If she is rude or anything I won't take him back but if she seems alright I will send him back on friday and next week until I can decide what to do.

We did look into a childminder but as we are planning on moving soon we don't know what area to look for one in. I also didn't like the couple that we met and it sort of put me off.

I just wish the other nursery we had him down for would give him a place!

Think you're right to discuss your concerns with ds keyworker, though what she says and then what she may continue to do with your ds are two different things - it sounds the way they "care" for the children is already quite entrenched in terms of leaving them to cry etc.

Think you need to take your time and consider your options, but please don't leave him there if you're really not happy, you'll only regret it later.

Could you check again with the first nursery and see if they've any spaces? Sorry if you've already thought of this!
Good luck.

To be honest, if you can't trust them, I wouldn't use them i'm afraid.

Were the sraff who were their when your Ds was crying really busy and maybe couldn't get to your DS when he was crying? Or were they just not bothering?

It seemed like they weren't bothering to be honest, or not giving him the attention as what he had done was 'not nice'. He is a baby though and doesn't understand that yet! Maybe I got the wrong end of the stick, but he was really miserable when I got there, not just annoyed at having to give bread back. I went today to pick up his teddy who I have left there, and to get his carton of milk to use over the next couple of days when he is off. He has soya milk so I bought them a carton to keep there and give him a cup of it in the afternoon. I just checked the carton and it hasn't been opened! No wonder he was so upset, they hadn't given it too him!

Oh goodness, how heartbreaking. Reading your OP I could just not do this, I can't imagine ds crying and nobody going to him

I understand sometimes people have no choice about nurseries but I feel sometimes there is just no way children that little ought to be left with people who don't actually love them.

Rosy I hope you can find a way to work this out. Sorry if I'm not helpful!

What on earth ahs he been having if not his soya milk??

I too would be inclined to go with your gut instinct. He will probably be OK there, and a different day may mean different staff who are better, but it doesnt sound good. I had to send ds2 to a nursery I didn't like, as the one he was booked into closed down just before he was due to start. However, I used the time to find somewhere else, jolly quick. We had to do split care for a while, using a childminder part time and another nursery part time, but muddled through. We were all sooo much happier once he was out of the first nursery.

Sounds pretty grim. I would have another look at CMs if any you haven't met have spaces available. Is the nursery near where you currently live or near college? It might also be worth looking at CMs near college if you're not sure where you'll be living.

I would also say look at other childminders, but I am a cm myself so a bit biast! But at least you know who will be looking after your DS as the nursery wil have lots of staff.

Yes I think go with your instincts. I agree with FlightAttendant that really little ones need loving or at the very least, warm carers. Having said that I know a childminder who is VERY cold with her little charge, I certainly wouldn't want my child spoken to and dealt with in the way that child is; it's nothing you could call abuse or anywhere near, just that the child is clearly a money making strategy and is interacted with as little as possible and in the most un-loving way. So having a CM is no guarantee; but you can choose carefully of course and as chloe says it's only one person so it's easier to check their approach out carefully.

Is it possible to do your course part time? Harder work for you but less child care required and many uni's offer part time options now.

can you drive? is there another nursery you could use but is maybe a bit further away?

Or could you take just a few part time sessions at the nursery you like until more become available??

this nursery don't understand about child development and what they need. I mean, my ds is just 18 mo and is just beginning to understand the concept of "giving back", he certainly didn't at 14 months. They don't sound very nice people at all. From what you say its like they were letting him cry to punish him for "not being nice". Fgs, he is a baby!
The more you say about this place the more worrying it sounds. As others have said little ones need a warm loving environment, this nursery is not providing this.
Could you consider one of the suggestions of others so at not to send him back?

Do you have a support person at the Uni you could explain the situation to, and maybe get a couple of weeks off / do work at home until you get something else sorted? He sounds ideal for a nice CM who would have less children than nursery and would give him loads of attention. There are lots of nice ones out there.

Oh, keep on looking for something else.
Not giving your DS his milk nor comforting him? Really not on.
DS1 went to 2 nurseries. The first I never felt comfy with, just a gut instinct, very young staff who didn't seem warm at all. We moved him to another and he loved it, the nursery staff were a mixture of ages (some mothers themselves) and they were approachable and friendly and seemed to love my little boy.
Investigate childminders, I've just got a fab one for DS2 (DS1 ia now at school) who is lovely. She was my first choice as I had seen her with her "mindees" as well as her own son and I couldn't tell who was her son. She looked after them all so well as if they were her own. She was also very highly recommended.
Keep on looking for alternatives and it will be worth it, you will find something which right for you and your DS.

I spoken to the other nursery and they don't have any space at all until the end of feb 09! I got a bit upset on the phone and the woman was lovely, she said if anything came up she would let me know!

The trouble is my uni is in central London, and the two nursery's in question are literally two minutes walk from my main campus and 10 mins from my hospitals (student nurse). There aren't any cm in that area, so it would involved traveling in the rush hour on public transport! I live fairly centrally so we don't have a car, though we are getting one in a few months- I won't be able to drive it though!

I have just spoken to a childminder who is local to our current house and I'm going to see her in a couple of days. I guess even though she might not do the same things I would, at least he would get more one on one time and a bit more love!?

I do feel like a bit of an over protective parent taking him out after only one full day, and I won't have given them a months notice. This is so hard! I don't know what the 'right' thing to do is. Maybe I am over reacting.

No, I don't think you are at all...you are uncomfortable with the care your child is getting at this place, and to me that would be a deal breaker. Stuff the protocol. If you have the option to take him out, then do so.

I think with childcare you have to have at least 100% confidence in it and preferably 110%...he is just a baby, he needs you to look out for him. Not overreacting at all, most people who have answered your post seem to agree.

Fwiw I worry about leaving ds with my own mother in case she doesn't understand some of his needs - so a total stranger would really worry me especially if they totally ignored any instructions such as what milk he had to have!

That is really bad imo.

Oh my goodness I really feel for you Rosy. My daughter started nursery last week (11 months old) and I'm still trying to decide whether she should stay there. It is so hard. The staff are lovely - a good mix of young and older, and even a man, but I just don't like her being there. They wouldn't ever leave her crying - I don't think so anyway.

No, you are so not overreacting. If you had another nursery /a whole load of CMs lining up outside your Uni you would be picking one right now.

You said earlier that you could postpone you're course til next year..maybe you should consider this? I'd be loathe to suggest that if it was just the usual settling in blues (for both of you) and it can seem easy to mix this, and concerns about care, up. But its not about settling in anxieties, you have just been unfortunate enough to have came across a crap nursery!

This nursery is providing minimal care for your ds. You want to be able to go and do your training and be secure in the knowledge that your ds is being properly looked after. Nurse training is hard enough without added worries - I should know!

Def look into this CM you mention a bit more, but in the meantime I would take ds out of the nursery - you know your ds, you know what kind of care he should be getting and would respond well to. You aren't being overprotective at all, just listening to your instincts.

I also told myself I was blowing it all out of proportion when I removed ds from nursery and was frantically looking for alternatives, but when I look back now that ds is now happily settled with a CM, I know I wasn't.

Sorry I don't have lots of solutions for you. But being at home together is surely a better option than this nursery, if that option is availabe to you?

It is an option, in fact its the most tempting one now. In fact we would have more money if I stopped as we wouldn't be paying for childcare. I have been thinking that I can complete the course almost any time, I'm still young and have plenty of time, but I'm never going to get these years with him back. I feel totally ready to go back, which is why I wasn't expecting all of this, and why I'm having trouble with the idea of stopping.

I just hope this childminder is good, even just temporary until he gets a place at the other nursery- otherwise I guess I can look forward to another year with him!

You are not overreacting at all.
FGS which childcarer doesnt give the child his milk and leaves him to become so distressed ?? That is the most basic level of care and they cant get that right ??
No wonder you are not happy .

Really hope it works out suitably for you and DS , you are totally correct in your thoughts .
Good luck.

Sounds like a plan Rosy - see what CM is like and if you are not sure about her then just postpone your training. The fact that you are ready to go back to work shows that your judgement is not being clouded - if you were upset about it you would be picking at really tiny things as an excuse, which you are not.

You are right, you are young enough to do your training later. You don't get these early years back. I would gladly give up my part time job if I could to have this time with ds! You are in a fortunate and envious position.

Good luck