I just don't like it :(

[RosyJ]

My ds has just started full time nursery. It was not our first choice of nursery, but I had to put him somewhere as I needed to go back to uni last week and its the only place that had a space free. Anyway, we have always been a bit iffy about them, they (the managers) just seem to be saying what we want to hear even if that means contradicting themselves.

He had his settling in sessions, 2 hours a day for three days, last week and started full time today. I didn't think that this was long enough to settle in but was assured it was fine when I asked them about it. They said a baby his age (14 months) doesn't know the difference between being there 2 hours and being there 8 hours. The first two settling in days he was really unhappy, then the third one he seemed fine, but he also came home with conjunctivitis! Today we both cried when I left him, but I phoned later and he apparently was fine. When I came to pick him up he was sitting at the table with the other children eating their snack and crying his little heart out. They said he had been fine all day and had only started crying them because he took his 'friend's' piece of bread and had to give it back. He was all puffy and looked like he had been crying a while, yet no one was comforting him or even talking to him. I was a bit put out to walk in to find him crying and not being comforted as he is still only a baby and doesn't understand doing right and wrong. He was really screaming after a brief chat with them about his day, I said I was just going to take him home and his key worker said 'alright' in a really sarky voice, looked at me like I was mad and shut the door on me. I'm really upset now as this woman is supposed to be caring for my child yet she acted like a stroppy teenager. I would have thought she would understand that he was screaming, so I was finding it hard to concentrate on saying good bye properly.

He has to be off for a couple of days as the conjunctivitis needs treatment and I'm so tempted to just not take him back. They haven't done anything 'wrong' but I just don't really trust them and generally feel uneasy. I don't like what they feed him (chicken drummers!?) or what they do with them and I feel like I have started off on the wrong foot now and they are going to be funny with me and maybe ds too. I cant just remove him and leave my course after one off day but I don't feel comfortable sending him back.

Am I being over sensitive? Part of me thinks I should toughen up, I'm being a bit silly and I would probably feel this way where ever he was, but the other part of me says why should I put him somewhere I don't like when he could be at home with his mum. I don't have to finish my studies now, but I do want to so I'm torn. DP doesn't like it either but doesn't know what we should do.

I just spoke to the nursery. Apparently, they thought it was too close to tea time, and he wouldn't eat his tea, so they were going to give it with tea... If I thought this then I would have put that down. They also said because I had put 'ish' after the time, that justified it. I put for him to have his milk at 2.30- they have their tea at 3.15. By ish, I meant 15 mins either way wouldn't matter, seeing as they do have lots of kids, and I know they can't be exact. I did not mean 45 mins later, but maybe I am wrong, or shouldn't have put it. Anyway, I arrived at 3.40 and he still hadn't had it.

They had the care plan sheet for four days before he went in, if they thought it was an issue why didn't they confirm with me if he would eat so 'soon' after milk? I asked them and they said it was only an issue because I brought it up- what does that mean? That its ok to change a babies routine and basically do what they wanted as long as the parent doesn't know? Why did I write one if they were just going to do what they wanted anyway. Loads of stuff she said just doesn't add up. It smells of bs to me and they are grasping at straws.

I said something about not comforting him when he cried, and she said it was because he took the other child's bread. I said I knew that but my instinct is to hold a crying baby, as he doesn't understand right and wrong yet, not to try and 'teach' them anything. She didn't have an answer to that.

She also said the staff were acting 'in his best interest'. WTF! I'm his mother! I know what his best interests are, I wrote them down on his care plan and told them. I don't need some girl who has known him for a week to tell me what they are, and to go ahead and do them without asking me. They don't need to treat me like I am stupid- the poor mother can't figure out that her child won't eat tea if he has milk then. FGS he will eat ANYTHING at ANYTIME, he is a horse with food. Not that I would know that of course, I am only his mother.

Is it just me that thinks this is a poor excuse for forgetting or not bothering to give it to him? Even if it true I hate that they think its ok to do what they want with him without asking?

And Breathe...

I would use a childminder but I am one so I'm biased.

The routine they have doesn't sound great to me, as a childminder and mum i've always given the bottle about 2.30 before the school run then tea at 5pm with a small snack in between if the children want one.

While he is settling in I think it's more important they stick to his usual meal times tbh.

I hope you manage to find a childminder soon.

Well done for questioning them. Am for you and your ds after their response. Not comforting an 18mo because "he took the bread" - he was probably ravenous, looking now at their routune, the poor soul! -he is just a baby! They are nuts, and how on earth would they know what is in his "best interests" after a week! You are right, they are grasping at straws.
It does seem they think they can do what they like, they've paid no real attention to your ds routine so far. Am sure not all nurseries are like this, but I did see evidence in the one we used where the only routine adhered to was the staff's routine - i.e set times for mass feeding, nappy changes, probably as it made life easier for them.
Hope the conversation you had has convinced you not to send him back!

I think it may be time for you to consider at looking at the option of childminder or nanny share.

I would not allow my own child to go to such nursery.

Have you had any joy with any other options?
Well done for querying them, they sound like they want your DS to just fit in, without making any attempt at settling him in properly.

Ok I withdrew him this morning. I said because of everything that happened I don't trust the staff and I can't send him somewhere where I can't rely on the people looking after him. The manager was understanding and agreed he shouldn't be there if I had lost faith in them.

Phew, such a weight off my mind. My ever helpful MIL is looking after him in the mean time, I really hope the childminder comes up trumps!

Thanks for all the responses everyone, its so helpful to hear another point of view about such things.

Well done you, I think you made the right choice.
Good old MIL's!
Good luck with finding another carer

Rosy I think that you did the right thing. Ds has just left nursery after nearly 3 years. Not once when I went in did I see a crying child that wasn't being comforted - however awkward this was - sometimes the nursery nurse in charge would come to greet me and ds with a child in arms - and this at aged 2+ - and I've seen the nurses sitting on the ground outside comforting children. Never once did I see any of the tinies in distress without being attended to. Not all nurseries are like the one that you're no longer going to! Best of luck with an alternative cm/nursery

Good for you, well done. Your ds will be delighted!
Good for your MIL too!
Fingers crossed re the CM. Maybe tell her about what happened with the nursery and guage her reaction as a start..

gosh just read the thread through and i understand why you made your decision

i am not sure i would have had the same reaction - i think more talking about it would have helped eg lots of kids dont have milk after sleep at that age and nurseries have tea quite early, so i see why they did that that day - but a clearer conversation both ways may have helped.

the distress incident - it wasnt that the op's little one was being ignored was it? he was sitting at the table with the others, probably very close to an adult, and the op came in just after he had been told off. 2 minutes later he may have been perfectly calm again.

the op has got to trust her instincts definitely, but in defense of most nursery staff, i am sure they want to do a good, caring job, and usually do - i think more talking next time to avoid this type of thing

As a childcarer at a nursery i wouldnt say your overreacting either, if i child is upset and unsettled especailly at that age and while settling in, they need time and patience and cuddles not to be left thats not the way to settle them. Hope you have sorted something out.

Oo I didn't realise that more posts had been added I haven't check here for a while! In answer to newgirl, you are right about the staff, they were not horrible people and I expect they do a good job normally, but I think they let my ds down. The thing is I had spoken to them about the milk on several occasions and written it down, so they were aware of when it was to be given well in advance yet never mentioned it was a problem, or that they had concerns regarding tea time. I understand lots of kids don't have milk at his age, but my son does, and I was paying them to look after my son. And whatever their reasons I was unhappy that they thought it ok to do what they wanted on his first day, before thy even knew him or asking me. They also failed to tell me he hadn't had his milk, I found that out for myself, so to be honest I think they forgot and didn't refer to his care plan while he was there. I also think he was being ignored crying, despite being sat with other children. He had tears streaming down his face, which was all tear stained and puffy- he had been crying for a while. I think seeing as he was settling in they should not have left him to cry like that. Anyway the reason I took him out was because I did not trust them anymore, a consequence of all the individual things they had/had not done, IYKWIM.

After a desperate week and a bit searching for somewhere/one else to put him we were still stuck so I have left the course now and am back at home with him. Uni were thankfully very understanding, so I should have no problems getting back into the course as and when. Just about adjusting to being a SAHM again, its pretty boring but at least he is happy!