Unsure about new nursery for 10 month old

[Ifsbuts]

My 10 month old daughter was set to start nursery this week. This was at a new baby room that was starting out at an established small nursery and part of a small private school. Get close to our house, lovely location in a park, great facilities, 2+ year old children seemed happy, staff appeared to be trained teachers and competent. I did know the baby room was untested but given the older nursery set up, I was happy to give it a try

Issues:

• 2 settling in days were offered only. Seemed odd for babies as other nurseries offered 2 weeks, but I wasn't planning to leave here there for long anyway and thought we would do settling in our own way gradually.
• Baby had been happy at a previous stay and Play session there and never cares to sit with me at libraries or stay and plays because she is so busy exploring. However on her first nursery far she was miserable, seemed terrified, sobbing and was clinging to me and resting her head on me for a full hour in a way she has never before.
• This was probably due to an inappropriate start. When I walked in and was taking my coat off, the nursery worker held out her hands to take her and in the moment I didn't think better and thinking it was only 5 seconds, handed baby to nursery worker. Baby burst into tears and that set the tone for the rest of the morning.
• Nursery was clearly in set up more, unpacking things and telling me how they are just getting ready.
• Baby was the only one in the room. I hadn't been aware of this. Other babies only start in February. They hadn't told me.
• Key worker felt off, like she isn't used to working with babies and also had a strange style of speaking, awkward body language. She is clearly trying very hard to engage the baby but baby didn't warm up to her on either day.
• Key worker has a nervous tic where every time she says something to baby, or baby makes a face or moves or picks up a toy or anything at all, key worker gives a nervous giggle and looks at me. This happens at least 3 times a minute and I am not exaggerating, for the full 2 hours that I was there on both days.
• I was uncomfortable with key worker on first day. Second day I thought I'd give it another go in case I an getting biased by some body language that wasn't sitting right with me, but I came away with an even stronger impression that key worker didn't have experience caring for babies in a developmentally appropriate or confident manner, and I don't trust her to be a caregiver for my baby.
• The key worker has worked in the older rooms for 4 years and elsewhere 12 years, but doesn't seem experienced with babies. They are trying hard to engage but it doesn't come off as natural to them so her constant forced interaction with baby, nervous tic, odd body language, looking at me every 15 seconds, are all just really awkward. She was also pushing me to leave baby with her alone and go out for a while, but it's only day 2 and baby was very uncomfortable, even with me around? I thought it would be better for me to stay there so that the baby learns it is a safe familiar place first?
• Baby warmed up to nursery manager very quickly both days who appeared to be a natural around babies, gave her smiles and coos and interacted with her. So it's definitely a person specific thing. But manager won't be the primary carer.

People experienced with nurseries, please help me with this one. I am happy to wait till Feb to let the nursery get over teething issues so that there is a larger group of 4 babies together and there is a more nursery environment.
However I feel like my discomfort with the key worker is still insurmountable? Surely the nursery should have hired an experienced person for babies, or am I expecting too much? It feels like they have not put any thought into appropriate staffing, esp given that there is only 1 key worker for now, and 2 starting next month. Am I expecting too high a standard?

Why did you stay for the settling in sessions?

It's a very awkward situation for the key person, having to spend two hours with you watching her and the baby with no other babies/staff there! I'm not surprised she was nervous.

It's typical for parents to leave the baby for the settling in sessions, not stay with them, so the nursery worker probably wasn't expecting you to be there.

Maybe you should delay your baby's start for a month and try again when the other staff and more children are there.

I'm a childminder and for settling in I do one meeting with parents where we do paperwork and play a little then one two hour visit without parents. Of course parents are free to do shorter days or collect early after that but most just go straight in to normal days.

I think your making a bigger issue than necessary. Your bullet points all say the same thing.

• Only 2 settling sessions were offered. Normal. I only offer two. I offer them FOC and if you want more than you can pay for them. Not much point to them if you're going to stay anyway.

• Baby cries and was clingy. Again normal when parents stay, their preference will always be you over a stranger.

• You handed baby to the key worker as soon as you arrived and she cried. Again, normal.

• Still unpacking. Well that will be resolved very quickly.

• First baby to start. Again will be resolved quickly.

• Key worker has a strange style of speaking and awkward body language. I don't really understand ehat this means. You say she tried hard so surely that's what's important.

• Keyworker had a nervous tic. That is a personal comment about someone and unnecessary. Most people will be nervous and more unnatural with someone watching them for 2 hours.

• You feel uncomfortable with the keyworker and dont trust her for very vague reasons around 'body language'.

• Again you reference strange body language (?) and not wanting to leave baby. This is entirely what settling sessions are for. I have never had a parent stay. They stay for paperwork completion whilst child plays but then for actual settling sessions, parents drop for short sessions to get everyone used to the routine. Otherwise first time they are left is for a whole day?

• Baby liked the manager.

Thank you, I suggest unfollowing this thread as you are finding it repetitive to read.

I was actually looking for a parents perspective here, not childminders or nursery workers who seem to be getting a bit defensive in this thread. I do appreciate the first 2 posts.

Not defensive at all. Just explaining how settling in sessions usually work and probably why yours didn't feel very productive since, you know, I've done quite a few of them successfully. But I'll piss off and leave you to it. Good luck.

I think you're hugely overthinking this. There will be no perfect nursery set up for you and your baby. There never will be as they have to accommodate more than 1 child. I'm not sure a nursery set up is right for you if you want to have such an in depth view, so is a nanny a possibility, where uou are the employer so can dictate a bit more.

Thank you, I suggest unfollowing this thread as you are finding it repetitive to read.

That's rude!

I'm a parent , not a nursery worker or childminder and those were all very good points!

I think you’re massively overthinking it all.

Less children is nice for your DD as one-to-one care for a bit! She’s too young to care about other children.

Two weeks of settling in sounds ridiculous and most parents wouldn’t want that as they need to be at work.

Baby being unsettled at first is normal.

Keyworker, give it time - she might just be shy and so being a bit awkward. I doubt they’d give the role to someone who wasn’t able, particularly if the only person at the moment.

I think you’re over thinking this (I have a 15 month old in nursery since she was 11 months). I can’t see any genuine concerns, honestly. It’s an unusual situation that she was the only baby at the settling session. We only stayed for the first 15 mins at our settling session, so im surprised you stayed the whole time. Was prob bit awkward for the staff member, especially with no other kids. We asked to do a couple of weeks of shorter days intially which nursery accommodated so maybe ask for that if you’re worried.

Handing her over was an error on your part - we sat with ours on the floor when we. Arrived and let her find her way

Did the nursery say you were welcome to stay for the settling in sessions, or did you just assume and not leave? I’ve never heard of a parent staying for a full two hour settling in session, so maybe that’s why she was nervous and awkward. Staying for the initial one to do some paperwork or if it’s a short period is normal, not two full hours. What even is the point of a settling in session if parent is there the whole time?

The other concerns are just nothing really. The other babies start in a few weeks and your baby isn’t old enough to benefit from interacting with other children anyway. The decorating and unpacking will be done soon enough.

Your baby being upset when you handed her to something else is not a negative for the person you’re handing her to. Your baby being happy to wander off independently when it’s her choice in a fun group environment doesn’t mean she’ll also be happy to be handed to a stranger in the situation you describe. It doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with the worker.

Find it odd you stayed how do you think baby would respond she has to get used to her new surroundings and mum not being there that's the whole point. As many have said this is perfectly normal you leave child and off you go. You sound like a hawk and this would have made me uncomfortable. After many kids and same experiences of dropping off they all been fine. Thank goodness you don't come to the school I work at I do have tics and would feel very very sad to be judged like this!

She was probably nervous and awkward because you stayed the whole time. My 2 went to different nurseries as babies, first session was 2 hours at both and at DD’s I wasn’t allowed to stay at all whilst DS’s was more flexible but the idea was that if he was ok I did the paperwork in the office with the manager whilst he stayed in the baby room with his key worker. We gradually built up the time and by Friday (mine went FT) they were doing a full day but none of it involved me hanging around.

IME most British nurseries don’t have a lot of experience dealing with under 1s because most people take the full mat leave. If you start an under 1 your baby will likely be the youngest anywhere. 1:1 is brilliant for settling, I’d honestly be happy to be starting before the others!

It’s always going to be a transition, and big changes can be daunting, and it’s not unusual for both of you to find it hard but I don’t see anything that would be cause for alarm.

Your baby will never settle if you stay for the settling in sessions. Your baby needs time to develop a bond with their key worker. It might take days or it might take a couple of weeks but it's quite normal for a baby to cry when starting in a childcare setting.

I’m a parent and I think the advice you’ve had from professionals is spot on.

Literally nothing you have posted is a red flag or unusual. The only thing is that, if I had the choice as you seem to, I would wait until there was at least one other child in the room.

The bottom line though is that you have said that you don’t trust the key worker. It’s game over, then. Either talk to the nursery manager and tell her your concerns and see if she reassures you, or pull your child out, but do it knowing you haven’t listed anything objectively problematic.

The first nursery I tried DD when she was about the same age, she cried so much I didn't feel right about leaving her, something just felt off so after a couple of sessions that went the same way I pulled her out and found another nursery where there was no issue with her settling. A few months later Ofsted downgraded the first nursery after a toddler escaped from the premises.

I don't think that's true, most babies start childcare at the 8-12 month mark in my experience.

The nursery worker was probably awkwardly wondering how to fill time with a single baby for two hours, usually they’ll have three babies with feeds, changes and observations to do.

Interesting, maybe it’s area dependent? Our nursery, which was small local chain that had been around for ~20 years said they couldn’t remember the last time they had an under 1 until DS started at 9 months. And we didn’t have a lot of choice because we have loads of preschools locally for 2+ but very few day nurseries. Also, I have no friends, neighbours, colleagues, relatives etc. that had their babies start nursery before they were 1. So I always got the impression that we were outliers in that sense!

From what I remember, first time we both went in for an hour, two days later she went in for 2hrs, I left aft half an hour. Then the next session she went for morning.

I always made point of making the handover quick, nursery preferred it as babies pick up on your anxiety and once you go they can distract them. I think at end of day its your decision.

Are you in quite a wealthy area where families don't worry about taking unpaid maternity leave?

The last few babies I have childminded have started at 8 months, 10 months, 11 months, 4 months (that is unusually early), 9 months - but the mums have all been teachers/TAs, carers, admin workers and couldn't take unpaid leave.

I work with wealthy families (nanny) and I've also never known a Mum to take more than a year maternity leave. I've always started with babies under a year old and the same with all the nannies I know so I don't think it's just money dependent.

Don't be that guy!

I think from your responses, the answer is, this isn't the right nursery for you.

Find somewhere else.

(But do note that whilst you don't want to hear it, it is the case that settling sessions are drop-off).