Unsure about new nursery for 10 month old

[Ifsbuts]

My 10 month old daughter was set to start nursery this week. This was at a new baby room that was starting out at an established small nursery and part of a small private school. Get close to our house, lovely location in a park, great facilities, 2+ year old children seemed happy, staff appeared to be trained teachers and competent. I did know the baby room was untested but given the older nursery set up, I was happy to give it a try

Issues:

• 2 settling in days were offered only. Seemed odd for babies as other nurseries offered 2 weeks, but I wasn't planning to leave here there for long anyway and thought we would do settling in our own way gradually.
• Baby had been happy at a previous stay and Play session there and never cares to sit with me at libraries or stay and plays because she is so busy exploring. However on her first nursery far she was miserable, seemed terrified, sobbing and was clinging to me and resting her head on me for a full hour in a way she has never before.
• This was probably due to an inappropriate start. When I walked in and was taking my coat off, the nursery worker held out her hands to take her and in the moment I didn't think better and thinking it was only 5 seconds, handed baby to nursery worker. Baby burst into tears and that set the tone for the rest of the morning.
• Nursery was clearly in set up more, unpacking things and telling me how they are just getting ready.
• Baby was the only one in the room. I hadn't been aware of this. Other babies only start in February. They hadn't told me.
• Key worker felt off, like she isn't used to working with babies and also had a strange style of speaking, awkward body language. She is clearly trying very hard to engage the baby but baby didn't warm up to her on either day.
• Key worker has a nervous tic where every time she says something to baby, or baby makes a face or moves or picks up a toy or anything at all, key worker gives a nervous giggle and looks at me. This happens at least 3 times a minute and I am not exaggerating, for the full 2 hours that I was there on both days.
• I was uncomfortable with key worker on first day. Second day I thought I'd give it another go in case I an getting biased by some body language that wasn't sitting right with me, but I came away with an even stronger impression that key worker didn't have experience caring for babies in a developmentally appropriate or confident manner, and I don't trust her to be a caregiver for my baby.
• The key worker has worked in the older rooms for 4 years and elsewhere 12 years, but doesn't seem experienced with babies. They are trying hard to engage but it doesn't come off as natural to them so her constant forced interaction with baby, nervous tic, odd body language, looking at me every 15 seconds, are all just really awkward. She was also pushing me to leave baby with her alone and go out for a while, but it's only day 2 and baby was very uncomfortable, even with me around? I thought it would be better for me to stay there so that the baby learns it is a safe familiar place first?
• Baby warmed up to nursery manager very quickly both days who appeared to be a natural around babies, gave her smiles and coos and interacted with her. So it's definitely a person specific thing. But manager won't be the primary carer.

People experienced with nurseries, please help me with this one. I am happy to wait till Feb to let the nursery get over teething issues so that there is a larger group of 4 babies together and there is a more nursery environment.
However I feel like my discomfort with the key worker is still insurmountable? Surely the nursery should have hired an experienced person for babies, or am I expecting too much? It feels like they have not put any thought into appropriate staffing, esp given that there is only 1 key worker for now, and 2 starting next month. Am I expecting too high a standard?

I think it’s an emotional time for you. It goes against our instincts to leave our baby with someone new who we don’t know yet.

Given this is a brand new room and they are taking on a new age group the staff member may be a little out of her comfort zone right now but will quickly get into the swing of it. Taking a new baby off a parent is always a little bit awkward for everyone, even when very experienced, and you can’t get on and interact and play with a baby and start making a bond while the parent has eagle eyes on you.

Presumably there will be other staff members there once all the other babies start and you may make a better bond with one of them.

I’d probably give it a month and see how things are progressing once the other babies start. If you still feel uncomfortable at that point then it might be worth a chat with the manager. Some nurseries fit better than others.

If you don't trust the keyworker then it's never going to work for you. I'd be querying the qualifications and experience of the babyroom staff. Has the keyworker got any baby experience? According to the most recent EYFS, the room leader must have suitable experience of working with under twos and at least half the staff working in the babyroom must have received training that specifically addresses the care of babies. I'd ask the manager which other staff are going to be in the room and their experience. If the keyworker hasn't worked with babies recently then it's going to be stressful for her, especially if she's not a 'natural' baby person. It's your choice whether you give her more time.

In regards to settling in sessions, every nursery is different. My last nursery did a one hour settle with parents, a two hour settle without then in full time. My current nursery does two weeks of settles, gradually building up to full days.

Good luck whatever you decide.

YABU. Your baby was never going to settle with the key worker if you were there watching - the fact that she looked over at you several times per minute shows that you were just watching her interact. How weird of you!

I’d hate anyone sitting and watching me do my job for 2 hours (it’s not child related but even so!) it’s no wonder she had a ‘nervous tic’ in this situation where she knew every moment of her time with your child she was being scrutinised.

Kids get used to their nursery worker, but expecting any kind of bond while you’re sitting watching them is ridiculous and unfair. My DCs would cry when I first left them. On the way out of the door I’d peek through the window and see them laughing with their keyworker. After a year or so my DD apparently told another child who was crying “don’t worry, your mummy will come back. Mine always does”.

Whatever your other reservations, it’s completely bonkers to base your assessment of the nursery on this short observed interaction with her new keyworker. If the setting as a whole felt odd you’d have a point, but your manner on here has been blunt and brusque so if that’s how you were with the member of staff it’s no wonder they were nervous around you and your child.

Gdg started nursery at 11 months and the nursery was very new and she was the only baby at first. Now she's 20 months and there are a lot more children/babies. She was unsettled the first few days but she loves it now. Maybe leave it until the others start if your need is not urgent.

I’m a parent whose child started nursery at the same age yours did. Honestly I don’t think I would rule the nursery out over this just yet. It sounds like it all felt a bit off because they are just newly setting up with a baby room. It’s also quite intimidating dealing with a baby who isn’t familiar with you for the first time while the parent is watching. I think you know it wasn’t ideal to just hand the baby straight over but to be honest they should have known that too. It’s better for baby to see you and worker interacting in a friendly way and take your time with introductions until baby is comfortable with worker and then leave for a short time. I also agree with others that you probably should not have stayed the full session but I get why you maybe felt you needed to. Baby will always prefer you over someone they don’t know well if you are there.
If I were you I’d wait till there are more babies because that will mean more staff won’t it? It might feel less intense for baby then and keyworker won’t be the only person caring for her. Although I do think she may have just been nervous that time.

Oh so many emotions surfacing here. Please relax and give it some time. Your child will pick up on your vibes too . There are obviously lots of positives here too. Leaving and returning fir baby is the biggest issue for both of you. Wait until that is working right before addressing other things. Its a learning curve for everyone in the beginning.

I’d be delighted with 1:1 care at nursery prices! She’s not a school kid who needs social interaction with other kids - she’s 10 months old and won’t be bothered about other kids. And it’s only for a few weeks by which time they’ll have settled her well.

most of this sounds normal. I would find it incredibly awkward to sit for 2 hours watching another person play with my child. All settling in sessions for my children across 4 settings were without me there after maybe one session with me there. They need to see that when you leave them there, you’ll come back. So when you leave for a full day for the first time, they know you’ll come back. All that’s happened by you staying is that your child now thinks this is a place you both go and they’ll be confused when you leave them for the first time.

If you're not happy, don't enrol your little one, particularly when you don't warm to her key worker. Don't have to justify your feelings - it's fine to follow your gut instinct.

2 settling in sessions is standard where I am, so is leaving baby on the second. The key worker was probably more nervous about you observing her than she was about interacting with the baby, she probably picked up on what you were thinking, often peoples facial expressions and body language give them away when they are negativily judging someone.
With 12 years experience and 4 years at that nursery, the manager will be aware of her capabilities and they are likely to see her as very competent, otherwise they wouldn't chose her to be the sole key worker in the baby room.

I’m assuming you were invited to stay for the settling in sessions otherwise you would not have stayed OP, I don’t know why people find this unusual, I visited several nursery and childminders when looking for one and they all told me that parents stay for the first one. OP if you get a weird vibe, trust your gut, go with another nursery. My baby has just started nursery and none of the babies that I’ve seen so far have been crying much, they all seem settled and I even confused one of the nursery workers for a child’s mother at the settling in session I attended, there are great ones out there but they are like gold dust.

Im a parent of 3 DC, not a childminder or nursery worker.

DC3 started nursery at 8 months old. We had 2 settling in sessions - i stayed for the first 20 minutes or so, then left the room and went to their parents room for another hour or so so DC was there without me but I wasn't far away.

2nd session, I dropped DC at the door and went and sat in my car for 2 hours (quite enjoyed reading my kindle in peace).

DC then started 3 full days of nursery the following week.

2 settling in sessions are completely typical but you staying for all of them isnt. You need to stay for 10 minutes or so and then leave. Your baby will always want you over someone she doesn't know yet so of course she will want to be with you.

The poor nursery worker probably felt very stressed and under pressure with you there with her - I wouldn't base an opinion of her ability to look after your child on that settling in session as its not going to be like that when you are not there! She's clearly got lots of experience so I wouldn't worry based on what you've posted here.

By all means delay her start until Feb in you want but you still need to leave for the settling in sessions or she wont settle!

I don’t think it matters what anyone on Mumsnet thinks. Trust your instincts, if you’re not happy with the setting then you won’t be able to relax at work.

If you’re not desperate for a place shop around a bit.

Parent here - you’re not being fair IMO. Settling in sessions should be without the parent there - how else does child settle properly? The worker would have been awkward with you there - I would be too I’m sure in that position!
two settling in sessions is average, my daughter did this at 11 months and then straight into full days. Yes of course she got upset for the first few weeks on and off, yes of course she clung to me when I passed her over, that’s entirely normal. Once parent leaves and child is distracted, then they settle.
The only odd thing from your post about the nursery is that your child is the only one in the room - that would be strange but if it’s only for a couple of weeks, problem sorted. In the nicest possible way, please don’t be that helicopter parent who jumps at the worker for every minute detail!! Give them a chance to allow your child to warm to them?

Two things can be true at the same time:

1. There’s nothing wrong with the setting
2. You’re not comfortable with the setting

My daughter started nursery at 11 months: I stayed for the first session (1 hour), then she had 3 x 2 hour sessions where I left. I actually found it really awkward staying at the first one and ended up asking if I could help with snack time because I felt bad just watching people do their jobs. Anyway my daughter was fine and loves being at nursery.

Your child may well settle in, and the nursery doesn’t sound like they’re doing anything wrong. But if you’re not comfortable, you don’t have to go ahead, either at this time or with this setting. Your baby is the most important thing in the world to you, and you have to feel comfortable with where you’re leaving her.

I can give both perspectives as I am a mum who has had two babies in nurseries and I’ve worked in nurseries.
Just one point I want to make is the baby room should be run by someone who is experienced in caring for babies, this is a legal requirement under the EYFS. I would ask the nursery manager about this.
Secondly as a mother you have two options and that is to hope things get better in February. Either wait for her to start until then or just leave her in and see how it goes. And the second option is to find an alternative and hope you get a better feel for it x

Nurseries and babies are tricky. I was a nervous wreck about leaving my child and that was at a much older age. It didn't help that I tried to work in a couple of the nurseries (to make it more financially viable for me) so I actually went for interviews/test sessions in different rooms. What I saw didn't give me any confidence to leave my child in either of them. The sheer lack of health and safety concerns actually shocked me. So whereas others are saying you have no valid concerns, I wouldn't agree. If you don't have a good feeling about the place/person I'd personally look somewhere else if there are other options. I'd prefer a confident person looking after my child (although the staff I worked with were pretty confidently doing some silly things so that doesn't always mean anything!). Also, the two new people could well have less experience (could have more) so it's a gamble. Best of luck.

Id go with your gut.

I had an interesting situation with ds2. The nursery he was due to start at suddenly gave notice of closing down, so I had to scrabble around for childcare. I found 1 day a week with a lovely childminder and 2 days at an apparently perfectly nice nursery, but which I just didn't click with. I gave it a go but I just never warmed to the nursery. Ds seemed ok, but he looooved the childminder and the difference was obvious. We stuck it fr a few months until the childminder had a second day free and so got out of there.

Your dad may settle in. You may change your mind about this nursery. Or you may not. Keep an open mind and keep looking.v

Leaving a baby at nursery for the first time is a really stressful time. Cut yourself some slack for that but also be aware of it and how it might be impacting your judgement. My son started at 6 months old. I understand how you will be feeling.

Objectively, I would be over the moon that my baby gets to start before the others and receives one to one care for the first couple of weeks. What perfect conditions to get used to the surroundings and form a bond with their key worker. They don’t need the company of other babies. All they add is noise!

Your personal feelings about the key worker are a little tricker to deal with. Sometimes we get a gut feeling about someone and then it won’t shift. It sounds like your impression of her was formed under some pretty tough circumstances for her though. I can’t imagine having someone watch me entertain their baby for so long, and with literally nothing else happening in the room at the time. That is really intense.

I wasn’t especially keen on my son’s key worker at first - I also found her a bit awkward and she seemed very young - but it didn’t take long before he absolutely loved her. If you can find it in you, maybe give her a chance.

If you can’t get past it though then I think that’s your answer. You just have to find somewhere else.

It sounds like you're very nervous about leaving baby, which is normal. 2 settling sessions is also pretty normal so nothing to be concerned about.

Baby didn't settle well because you were there watching, also quite normal - your distant presence reminds baby that the person they're with isn't their mum. I'd also add that both of my kids have screamed at drop off but they have always been fine within a couple of minutes, and they both love nursery. It's worth remembering that staff don't want baby crying the whole time either, particularly when there are other children around (I know there aren't right now but will be soon) because it will likely set off the others, so if baby doesn't settle without you then they will call you to come back.

Keyworker was nervous - also normal if they're being watched by a parent, I'd certainly be uncomfortable if someone was watching me do my job (not childcare) and scrutinising me.

Ultimately, it's obviously up to you whether you choose a different setting for your child, but objectively I don't think there's anything at all wrong with this setting/staff, it would just be that you don't gel with them well. FWIW I think that's a totally acceptable reason to choose elsewhere, but trying to blame the staff/nursery would be unfair.

Also, manners don't cost anything, no need to be rude to people who are just trying to help you

If you’re not happy with two settling in sessions then simply say “I know Talulah is booked in 9-3 next week but I will be dropping her off at 10 and picking her up at 12 on Monday and 1 on Tuesday”.

sounds like the key worked must’ve felt awkward with you there the full time, imagine being in her position.

any nursery settling in I know of is a wee half hour with mum/ dad in the room, then baby stay while parent fills out paper work. Then two short (2 or 3 hour) settling in days with no parents.

But it is repetitive to read. You do make the same point a number of times clearly for affect.