Does my son's nursery dislike him?

[Foodie47]

Hello everyone!
My little one is 13 months and started nursery (4 days/week) 3 weeks ago. He's a literal duracell bunny - early walker, super active, deeply curious, no fear, very sociable. We expected the transition to be easy, but he has really struggled which I guess is normal, given the massive change. Over the past few weeks, things improved slightly - he now does a decent lunchtime nap and tends to eat pretty well (better than at home!).

But he is full on and requires 1to1 support all day. Cries a lot at drop off and pick up (we make goodbyes quick etc), and apparently on and off throughout the day. He doesnt play with other children (which is unusual for him), seems very sad when we pick him up and it's just heartbreaking. The nursery feels like a good fit for him - very spacious with a huge outdoor area that he enjoys, lots of activities and sensory areas, lovely food. The staff seem friendly and his keyworker is pleasant... but we constantly have a feeling like everyone looks a bit depressed when they see him in the morning - like 'here comes the difficult kid'. And there's a lot of relief in the room when we come to pick him up. I thought it was in my head as I am sensitive, but my objective partner keeps picking it up too. I guess with whatever childcare, you cannot expect them to provide the deep level of care, love and attention you would give your child, but we just feel like they don't like him much? I feel for them, he is not and never has been an easy going baby...but with us he is constantly smiling, being silly etc which isnt the case for nursery.So they get lots of his challenges, without the lovely rewards.

For context, we live in an area where the average waiting list for nursery is 2 years and we do genuinely like this nursery and how it runs, its spaces, its location etc. So switching is unlikely. We also feel like he would struggle with a childminder in a 'small' house, as he is so active and needs space to roam haha.

I don't know if we need to adjust our expectations, or give it more time, or somehow talk to them about this... Any thoughts or similar experiences appreciated :) thank you!

He’s still very new and it does take some children a little while to settle. It is hard going when there is one settling in if they are struggling, but experienced staff expect this and it is part of the job. They don’t dislike your son, he’s a baby, and in a few weeks he’ll be entertaining them like he does you at home. He just needs to get to know the staff and environment and see it as a good place to be. Many babies still cry at handover even when they are settled for the rest of the day so you may see this for a while longer even once they tell you he is happy playing while there.

If he needs 1-1 then they will most likely be happy to see him picked up unfortunately as it will be taking their time up that should be spend with all the children. What is the staff ratio?

If he cries all day and needs 1:1 attention then it's not really surprising they are relieved when he goes home?
Even mums are relieved when dad comes home and takes over after they've been with a difficult baby all day.
It doesn't mean they 'dislike' him.

I think the staff ratio is 1 to 4? But I am not sure, they have a lot of staff floating about between rooms too I think.

Why do you feel he needs 1to1 support? Is it just due to his energy levels or another reason? No nursery can offer 1to1 if they don’t have additional funding in place, even then they struggle to supply it.

If a similarish story helps, my DD was nine months when she started nursery and needed a 1:1 keyworker for weeks and weeks as she wouldn't even look at anyone else! This poor keyworker didn't even go on break unless DD was napping. DD basically wanted a me replacement.

The nursery boss who is brilliant but a bit of a battleaxe called DD an "extreme" settling case which wasn't nice at all and I nearly removed her after a month or so of hell thinking I'd have to quit my job.

The boss reassured me we'd get there and we did, it was such a lovely nursery. Eventually DD settled, she adored nursery from then on until she went to school and they all adored her by the time she left if not at the beginning haha.

Thank you so much to everyone for your reassuring and thoughtful responses! I really appreciate it.
With regards to the 1-1 support - we actually never requested it, it's what the nursery decided themselves. I asked them today what happens if he doesnt have it and his keyworker said he's too distressed and hinted that it's unmanageable. My boy can be very vocal haha. She said that he says mama/dada throughout the day so it seems to be a separation/transition issue. They hope he will slowly adjust.

I think this hits the nail on the head. No doubt you got exhausted after a long day during maternity leave, and you love him!

I don’t think it’s personal as such but if he’s also being upset then it’s going to be a very long day for them ( and for him) and yes they will be relieved when he’s picked up. They’re only human

BUT he’ll soon be settling in and beginning to enjoy his time and then they’ll see the smiley little boy you see and as you say, the rewards as well as the challenges

Being very vocal won't be funny to them.

I hope you find a solution that works for you/him/them soon as it's important that they are somewhere where staff like them imo.

My DS was a bit like this. I def got vibes that the staff adored some of the other babies but not him. Things got a lot better the older he got and the more independent he became. He was happiest in the pre school where he was well liked and had no problem at all with the transition to school. I’m glad we stuck it out!

3 weeks is still a very short time. My little boy was and still is (aged 8) a total mummas boy and had to do and extra few days for settling in hrs rather than full days and he still got mildly upset leaving me by reception having started nursery at 2, he was mostly appeased by racing to the window to wave me goodbye.

Children at that age don't really play together, they just parallel play, so I wouldn't worry about that part at all.

I am sure as he and the staff get to know eachother and they figure out how to make him happy, it will all get easier. My little boy always came out happy as a clam once settled in, despite prising him off my legs daily. X

I worked in nursery's. I never disliked a child, I cared for them all and they all had something special about them. Don't get me wrong, some days were stressful and I was happy at home time, but in the same way I am happy it's bedtime for my own DC after a hard day.

OP honest to god it gets easier. My eldest is 13 now but when she started at 10 months another little boy of a similar age was constantly non stop bawling crying. DH and I used to comment on it among ourselves as he seemed like such hard work and the poor parents looked stressed. Anyway fast forward a month or so and he was absolutely fine and they all stayed together and were great friends until they started school at 5. It’s such an upheaval for you all as going back to work after maternity leave is emotionally draining for you then on top of that you are leaving your DC in childcare and it’s all new to you. Honestly you will all adjust.

Are you sure your not reading too much into things if they hvnt said anyhting to you

13 months they play alone it's developmentally correct. And yes there are some kids that your heart drops when they arrive and you breath out when they leave. It's part of nursery life.

My son was in a lovely nursery and then a lovely kindergarten and he never wanted to be in either. He just wanted to be at home. Unfortunately I had to work! His kinder was in the same school where I was working, so when he felt too sad his teacher let him run across the lawn to visit my classroom, where all the big kids made a fuss of him. It took him a VERY long time to settle.

He is now a grown man and successful civil servant in a happy relationship.

It'll be okay.

I was always told by friends to give a transition 2 months for nursery - it can be a horrible period but they should settle, it’s unusual a child won’t!
I have a similar temperament child very full on, super active, zero fear, curious and nursery has been so so amazing for her. She settled within a few weeks and adores nursery now.

im surprised anyone’s said that not playing with other children is a concern as at this ages children don’t usually play with other children, just alongside

Nursery staff will be well used to children needing high levels of one to one care at times. My daughter was one of them when she first started nursery and her first key worker ended up not taking her lunch a couple of times to stay with her which I am eternally grateful for. They shared our ethos though but I don't doubt it was pretty tough at times, my daughter would literally be on her all day (she was only 6 months old TBF but she developed such a strong attachment to her key worker). Eventually it resolved and she's still there 9 years later.

So I wouldn't worry, they'll be used to it and ultimately it's what you're paying the service for. All you can do is watch and wait. I know it's tough also when you feel someone doesn't like your child but it should all settle down as he settles in. Keep an open dialogue with the staff.

Your kid sounds normal. I really wouldn’t stress about it. At that age they often have 1-1 or 1-2 care for at least part of the time. At 13 months they don’t play with other kids but that will develop over the next year or two and nursery is a great place for developing friendships. If it’s any consolation, my DS was the same. He tried to throw himself off a nursery window sill with the blind cord round his neck (they changed policy after that and all blinds now have cut cords)- an absolute live wire who hasn’t changed much in 18 years. He also met his best friend there. They’ve never been to the same school and don’t move in the same circles of friends, but they’ve been as thick as thieves since they started learning to talk. Hold tight - it’s worth it. They absolutely love it.

I'd never really thought about this before but I suppose it makes sense that the workers will "prefer" the easier babies. DS was so laid back he was (almost literally) horizontal as a baby/toddler and I was so happy as the staff seemed to genuinely adore him.

He was massively risk averse (didn't even try to walk until 18 months), loved his food, was a brilliant sleeper and super smiley. Probably a nursery worker's dream to be honest. He's much harder work now unfortunately and like his older sister, he's a bit marmite for teachers/authority figures. They either "get" him and think he's quirky but fab, or they seem to genuinely dislike him.

My nephew was a bit like your DS as a baby/toddler - huge crier (complete with snot bubbles), crap sleeper, into absolutely everything faster than anyone could stop him etc etc. He was, quite literally, a massive pain the arse. He's an adult now and since around 12 ish, he's been the loveliest, kindest and most popular lad around (especially with old ladies for some reason!) so try not to fret. All kids have their loveable and less loveable periods but it all balances out at the end of the day.

It’s horrible to leave your child when they are upset and unsettled but the transition to nursery isn’t going to be easy for each child. It sounds like he is a wee human who knows what he likes and wants. At 13 months it’s the separation anxiety that can start in too, at this age they all of a sudden realise that not everyone is their mum/dad.
my son was always the one that upset the apple cart for the other kids - noisy and constantly on the move but each of them are completely different and the staff know that. I would suggest that if you have concerns speak to the manager to get an update on how he is settling. But it can take a few more weeks for children, not all settle easy. X

its new for him, give him time. However I would ask for feedback from the nursery, they should have good experience. Listen with a calm mind and just listen to what they say without interjecting them.

you mention he needs 1:1 help, as in SEN ? See how he gets on.

This. I have worked in nurseries and can confirm that they don't play with anyone in partucular before 2 years old. And even then it tends to be playing beside someone.

I can assure you that no decent nursery worker would dislike a child. They see that he's distressed and they might be tired after long day but that's nothing to do with liking a child. Is it possible for you to have him home longer? Personally I wouldn't leave my child before 3 years old at nursery because that's when they might benefit from it.

It's still early, these things are hard for little ones and attachment is fully in place at that age (close bond to primary care giver is strongly in place and they get separation anxiety), so he's biologically programmed to really miss you. He also wouldn't developmentally be at a stage of "playing" properly with other kids, they might play near each other. Sad reality is, the nursery staff can't have unconditional love for the kids like you can, because it's their job and it sounds like at the moment, your little one makes their job a challenge. It's not a bad thing, but just like any job, some bits will be hard, some days will be stressful (especially if he's very vocal). Try not to take it personally, they will still be professional and caring towards him. Maybe ask for a meeting and see if together you can plan ways to help him settle better (taking something in from home, reducing the hours, picking up or dropping off at quieter times etc), or if they're spotting anything unusual they'd like some extra help or support with. They also might reassure you that it's normal, and it takes a while to settle.
It'll all be fine eventually, he'll adjust and settle and you'll start to worry less and it'll all be OK, especially as it sounds like a good nursery, and you've picked it with him in mind.

It used to be 1-3 ratio for that age range unless it’s changed. I think from experience around 1 is the hardest age to be left as they are attached to parents but you can’t explain to them. I would say every child is different but it’s good they are giving him 1-1. He needs it that way he can bond with that person and start to feel secure. It’s not unusual for babies to be upset. It’s a good sign that he is eating. Give it a few more weeks I expect he will calm down. I never had any babies that didn’t settle when that was my job.