Does my son's nursery dislike him?

[Foodie47]

Hello everyone!
My little one is 13 months and started nursery (4 days/week) 3 weeks ago. He's a literal duracell bunny - early walker, super active, deeply curious, no fear, very sociable. We expected the transition to be easy, but he has really struggled which I guess is normal, given the massive change. Over the past few weeks, things improved slightly - he now does a decent lunchtime nap and tends to eat pretty well (better than at home!).

But he is full on and requires 1to1 support all day. Cries a lot at drop off and pick up (we make goodbyes quick etc), and apparently on and off throughout the day. He doesnt play with other children (which is unusual for him), seems very sad when we pick him up and it's just heartbreaking. The nursery feels like a good fit for him - very spacious with a huge outdoor area that he enjoys, lots of activities and sensory areas, lovely food. The staff seem friendly and his keyworker is pleasant... but we constantly have a feeling like everyone looks a bit depressed when they see him in the morning - like 'here comes the difficult kid'. And there's a lot of relief in the room when we come to pick him up. I thought it was in my head as I am sensitive, but my objective partner keeps picking it up too. I guess with whatever childcare, you cannot expect them to provide the deep level of care, love and attention you would give your child, but we just feel like they don't like him much? I feel for them, he is not and never has been an easy going baby...but with us he is constantly smiling, being silly etc which isnt the case for nursery.So they get lots of his challenges, without the lovely rewards.

For context, we live in an area where the average waiting list for nursery is 2 years and we do genuinely like this nursery and how it runs, its spaces, its location etc. So switching is unlikely. We also feel like he would struggle with a childminder in a 'small' house, as he is so active and needs space to roam haha.

I don't know if we need to adjust our expectations, or give it more time, or somehow talk to them about this... Any thoughts or similar experiences appreciated :) thank you!

I wouldn’t keep him there if I had a choice. Can you use a childminder instead? They will have smaller numbers. Or what about a nanny/ nanny share- to keep costs down.

A childminder will give him that close consistency he seems to need. Sounds like it’s all a bit too much for him. Check up local childminders online to see which ones love the outdoors, et cetera.

Is it possible that by being 121 with him they are actually doing more harm as he isn't being able to find his feet and socialise with the other kids?

I would be asking for a formal meeting with the nursery and asking them what they expect the plan to look like to settle him.

We had the same child. We would pick him up and they would say hes the only child that hasnt slept. He is now at secondary and was diognosed with adhd at 7.
You just have to get a thicker skin and also advocate for him and ultimately move him if its not right. We had our son with a childminder two days when I first went back to work and she told us she couldnt look after him, too active, too curious. We tried at least three nurseries until we found the right fit. Then started him at a private school in reception, who promptly told us he wasnt a fit for their school. We found a wonderdul state school with sen provision. Then all the way through school, we had, hes too active, wont stop moving etc.
Not saying your child is anything other than just an active kid, but keep an eye on things and be prepared to have comversations and possibly move him if it isnt the right fit.

Reading this makes me so sad for your baby, `he must feel so so frightened and sad when he is there and you leave him believing they dont like him ! Shocking !

Oh do fuck off.

He is a touch over 1 and 3 weeks into nursery.

@Foodie47 ignore Posters like this!

He sounds very sensitive, it's not a bad thing they all have their own personalities but it may make him harder work for the staff than a more confident child or a quieter child. I'm sure it will get easier as he settles in and gets to know the staff and feel more comfortable with them.

In reality children thrive in a home environment not an institution hence why abroad they don’t go to school until they are 7.
so not shocked they aren’t enjoying it or thriving.

Ratio in under 2s is 1:3 you state he needs 1:1, unless he has significant known needs he won't be getting 1:1 and staff will be feeling very stressed out. Ask staff for a clear breakdown of the day, the routine and what's expected of him. Things like a 13 month old still having no idea how to feed themselves as parents do it is very draining on resources. You say early walker, does he have any understanding of boundaries, or if they call him is he ignoring them? You need to work with the nursery and have big conversations with his key person.

I would look for a childminder. You say he benefits from the space at nursery but I bet he doesn’t access it as much as you have been led to believe. He’d probably be happier going out and about on adventures with a good childminder.

I don’t disagree that nursery staff are well used to it, but OP absolutely is not paying for 1:1 care. She’s paying for her child to be one of 3 or 4 depending on the ratio. 1:1 is fine during a rocky transition but unsustainable long term and is not part of a normal nursery service. If a typically developing child needs 1:1 then it’s a nanny you’d have to look for.

Do you really think in other countries women don’t go back to work until their child is seven years old

I experienced something a bit like this but my dc was older. I think if he hasn’t settled in the next 4 weeks and you continue to feel they don’t like him then he will need to be moved. We had to move our son who was similar and was a good job we did as it really improved things for him, with much more tolerant staff he was calmer.

Our dc is now a teen and a happy and lovely boy and like a pp’s dc has ADHD!

He is fairly new but if he doesn’t settle in another few weeks it may not be quite the right setting for him, rather than anyone disliking him or doing anything wrong.
Perhaps a child minder would suit him better, someone who can really get to know and attach to, we had to switch things around for our youngest, not because anyone was doing anything wrong he just didn’t settle properly and was always anxious.
We found a great childminder and it was amazing, he still is super close to her and her family now 5 years later. My middle one thrived at nursery and the eldest was ok once he had had a few months.
Its tough leaving them so I’m not surprised you are worried, but I would definitely give it a little more time and then change things if he’s still very unsettled.

Honestly I work in a nursery with children around your sons age and although the bond may take longer to form, when it does come, it's a very strong bond, because there's a sense of achievement in that you've both figured each other out and what makes little one tick. It's probably not that they dislike him, but hearing a baby cry for long periods of the day can also be upsetting a stressful for the staff (although obviously more so for the little one), so when you come to pick up they may well feel a little relieved, but i promise you its not dislike, not even in the slightest.

I would recommend speaking to the nursery manager. And I think their response, and the room staff response will probably you what you need to know. I like to think that I wouldn't leave my child somewhere I thought the staff didn't like them but I do totally get how tough it is at the moment for childcare places. But if you're leaving your child all day somewhere you really need to be able to trust the care they provide and part of that is feeling confident to raise any issues and watch them being dealt with appropriately.

@Foodie47 as others have said still very early days yet. Took my dc 1-2 months (4 days a week) until she was fully herself at nursery. Is he one of the youngest there? It’s the biggest change he’s had in his life since he was born probably - it will take some time to adjust. My dc didn’t have 1:1 per se but would cry as soon as she was put down by the staff. I’m pretty sure nurseries are aware new kids can behave like this.

do they give you updates throughout the day? It can be normal for the pick up and drop offs to be distressing but is he crying all day there or fine as long as he’s with his one named member of staff?

as others have said - they don’t play with each other just sort of alongside each other at this age. There might be kids that will be there only 2-3 days a week and I don’t know how often they rotate the staff in his class it might just be that it takes time for him to get used to it all which is completely normal. My daughter now loves nursery more than being at home, she’s extremely confident there, she’s developed in ways we couldn’t imagine ij just 4 months and it’s so lovely to see her with her “friends”

The fact that you don’t seem to have any concerns about the child care setting is a good sign. i would also feel dissapointed if the staff at my child’s nursery made me feel like she was a problem ij anyway or looked relieved when I picked her up so I understand your point there. I would give it another 4-5 weeks and see where you’re at there. If things haven’t improved I would ask to speak to the manager and ask them what their genuine opinion is as you don’t want your child to be unhappy and you also shouldn’t be made to feel like they’re a burden to others. As others have suggested childminders may be less of a transition if he’s really struggling to settle. Sending solidarity

I would give it at least 3 months before deciding .
It's all very new for him.
It is difficult going back to work for you too , very emotional I would imagine.
I think it's alot for one person to be responsible for your son , I know having a key worker is important for development, also this is not an excuse but staff are often very young and not had their own children and some children need more time.
I know from a friend of mine that works in childcare that they sometimes are fed up with the difficult children being the first to be dropped off and last to be picked up , if they know the parents aren't actually working , but a I say to her , parents are paying for a service and will get their money's worth.
This isn't the case for you as your child is still a baby , is he allowed a comforter or dummy during his most challenging periods at nursery ? This may help , also a change of key worker or nursery / childminder if he has not settled after 3 or 4 months.
Good luck , being a mum is hard work.

I think you’re being a bit PFB. It’s very common for toddlers that age to be constantly on the go, it’s not unusual. It’s also very common for children that age not to play with other children. I also think you’re over estimating how much room he would need to “roam” at a child minder’s! He’s a baby not an elephant! 😂 Plenty of children live in small houses and flats and are perfectly curious and active.

Hi OP .Im a former Nursery Nurse, and can confirm this is very normal for a new starter .3 weeks is no time at all. Some one to one care will help settle little ones in.Try not to worry its a new routine, and the staff sound great.Soon he will be going with the flow and you can relax .He sounds a typical little boy ,tons of energy !

I was just coming to say the same thing about childminder. My son who is now 6 started nursery just before Covid and cried every day and was generally tricky (they sent home photos of him in a bouncer looking sad a lot) he was similar - not really a napper- pretty active. after about 4 weeks I got furloughed so we stopped (big relief) but he went back after and still hated it. After a couple of months of stress they said they

I worked nurseries a long time, before becoming a teacher. Babies like this are completely exhausting. It's a 1:3 ratio for under twos and if your child needs 1:2:1 and is distressed it's extremely difficult as it takes a member of staff out of action completely leaving 2 staff members with 8 children for example even though they are still in the room. Then when nappies need doing suddenly you have 1 member of staff for 7 children. Throw in another high needs baby and you're sunk. It's extreme in a way people don't often fully understand.

3 weeks is no time at all for your child to settle or your key workers to develop bonds with your child. If you are otherwise happy with the nursery then give it time for everyone to settle. You will find after your child develop those bonds and finds his feet they will start to see more of his personality. Many nursery workers become very attached and protective over "their babies" and it's always sad when they move up rooms. At the moment they are being professional, in time they will become part of his inner circle.

Id say childminder.

As a teacher who has worked in childcare with little children as well, I think your instincts are correct. It's very difficult for even the kindest person to have the patience and compassion, in the same way a parent would, for a child who is testing them. Especially with nursery aged children who are relentless. Imagine you having to look after your son and three other children all day but you don't love the children. It's draining and I think parents have this hope that nursery workers are just a different breed who don't get frustrated and have unlimited compassion but they are humans. If you cns stya at home with him untill he's older. Even if that means downsizing and cutting out on holidays. That's what I would do anyway. Your experience is why I don't send my daughter to nursery, because I've been the nursery worker and I know what it's really like.

If you have a bad feeling trust your gut.