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Original poster

11 month old not settling at nursery

35 replies

LouiseAG · 17/09/2025 13:15

LouiseAG · Today 13:11

Apologies in advance for the essay! This is my first post and was hoping for some help.

My daughter is nearly 11 months old and has been struggling with settling in at nursery. She has been going the following for 3 weeks:

  • 1 hour sessions 3 to 4 times a week
  • 1x 3 hour session today

Staff have advised that she cries the whole or majority of the time. She needs 1-1 attention and nothing helps to settle her. We have tried favourite toys, favourite food, blanket from home, even a T-shirt I have worn. They want to try 3 full days from next week as a last attempt, but said nursery might not be for her. I trust this nursery as my little boy went there and was very happy, so I believe they have tried everything they can.

I’m back at work (3 days p/w) next week. I can call on family and book annual leave as a short term measure, but I’m a bit of a loss what to do if she doesn’t settle. She has always been a high needs baby and struggles to settle for anyone other than me. I have probably not helped matters as I am still breastfeeding before naps at home and we co-sleep as she has sleep-myoclonus so I like to keep an eye on her.

Does anyone have any advice, or personal experience with this? I’m wondering if any of the following would help:

  • Stick it out for another couple of weeks
  • Delay nursery until the new year when she is 14 months old
  • Find a local childminder
  • Leave work (this is the last resort as I have worked at my company for 14 years and would prefer to stay)

Any advice is much appreciated

OP posts:
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Lollytea655 · 17/09/2025 13:17

If the nursery are prepared to try for a little while longer then you could try that, but I’d probably look for a childminder if I was you. Some children just do need more than a nursery can provide and don’t suit that environment and that is totally okay x

Original poster
LouiseAG · 17/09/2025 13:43

Thank you. My gut is saying a childminder is the best option. Most childminders near us have a waiting list but I will keep looking

OP posts:
Skybluepinky · 17/09/2025 14:32

From before they start you need to be allowing them to self soothe so they can cope away from you.
sounds like you didn’t put the ground work, if nursery doesn’t work out try a childminder but do the self soothing or they will struggle.

Original poster
LouiseAG · 17/09/2025 17:57

Skybluepinky · 17/09/2025 14:32

From before they start you need to be allowing them to self soothe so they can cope away from you.
sounds like you didn’t put the ground work, if nursery doesn’t work out try a childminder but do the self soothing or they will struggle.

Maybe my first message was misleading. She can self soothe. I leave her in her own room with a baby monitor for naps, and at night once she is asleep (she slept on her own from 8pm to 2:20am last night). She wakes frequently during naps/sleep due to her myoclonus and gets herself back off to sleep. I personally don’t follow the cry it out method but try to encourage her to self soothe.

I think the main issue with settling is that it takes her a long time to feel comfortable with new people. She is ok around my parents and my husband as she sees them regularly

OP posts:
22sra · 17/09/2025 23:45

You don’t need to do self soothing for children to settle at nursery. Yes, it takes time. But children often settle in different ways for different caregivers.
The short but frequent one our sessions may not have helped, as she’s not really getting chance to get to know the staff and other children before being collected again.
Hopefully with some longer sessions this week you’ll start to see an improvement. And failing that, hopefully she’ll settle better with a childminder. Sounds like you’ll have a transition period to contend with even with that.
Good luck either way 🤞🏼

skkyelark · 19/09/2025 13:10

I agree that longer sessions might help her build up a relationship with the staff. I might be tempted to try half days for a bit rather than full ones, though, if you can manage that with annual leave/help from family.

How is she if you take her to a fairly busy baby group or play park? Is she bothered by unfamiliar children or adults close by, or is that okay, as long the adults don't try to hold or care for her?

How big is the baby room, how many members of staff? Do nursery know that she's generally slow to warm up to people, so it is likely to be that rather than, say, the unfamiliar rooms or new routine, that's the primary cause of her upset?

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 19/09/2025 13:14

I think she needed longer sessions … you can’t bond with anyone in one hour. When my daughter started daycare I built it up - day one 2 hours next three hours and so on and so on until a full day …. But one hour sessions means by the time she calms down ( she need time to regulate at first ) you are there picking her up

Give it more time before changing it again

kiwiblue · 19/09/2025 14:33

My daughter was very clingy and only wanted me. She did settle at nursery but it took time. (She's now incredibly confident and outgoing!)

I personally wouldn't ditch nursery for a childminder. I have two friends whose childminders wouldn't accept their children after they took a while to settle, the childminders didn't have time to hold the child all day and didn't persevere with it for very long. Nursery can give more time to this, I think

I think she needs to go for a full day at least once a week to start settling. It took my daughter 4 weeks to be settled and really, 4 months to be properly settled and her real personality to start coming out.

JollyMintWasp · 21/09/2025 22:20

If she’s really not coping, a childminder might be a gentler option. Smaller setting, one familiar face, and usually more flexibility. My daughter couldn’t handle nursery at 11 months but thrived with a childminder until she was 2.

Original poster
LouiseAG · 27/09/2025 09:13

.

OP posts:
Original poster
LouiseAG · 27/09/2025 09:14

skkyelark · 19/09/2025 13:10

I agree that longer sessions might help her build up a relationship with the staff. I might be tempted to try half days for a bit rather than full ones, though, if you can manage that with annual leave/help from family.

How is she if you take her to a fairly busy baby group or play park? Is she bothered by unfamiliar children or adults close by, or is that okay, as long the adults don't try to hold or care for her?

How big is the baby room, how many members of staff? Do nursery know that she's generally slow to warm up to people, so it is likely to be that rather than, say, the unfamiliar rooms or new routine, that's the primary cause of her upset?

Sorry for the delay replying to this, and thank you for taking the time to reply, I really appreciate it ☺️
She is absolutely fine around other children/adults as long as I am around, and she is happy around lots of noise and busy environments. It is just when other adults try to hold her. It takes her a long time to become comfortable with other people. We did discuss this with the nursery in detail prior to her starting the settling in sessions.
The nursery usually has up to 9 babies with 3 staff. I think the biggest issue was that they were stuggling with the 1-1 care she needed, as she was so upset but wouldn’t let anyone comfort her.
A couple of hours after I posted my first message on here, the nursery emailed me to say they didn’t think it was in DD’s best interests to continue, and suggested delaying until January. We are managing between family and taking annual leave until we find a childminder/nursery.

OP posts:
Original poster
LouiseAG · 27/09/2025 09:15

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 19/09/2025 13:14

I think she needed longer sessions … you can’t bond with anyone in one hour. When my daughter started daycare I built it up - day one 2 hours next three hours and so on and so on until a full day …. But one hour sessions means by the time she calms down ( she need time to regulate at first ) you are there picking her up

Give it more time before changing it again

Yes, this was my gut feeling too

OP posts:
Original poster
LouiseAG · 27/09/2025 09:22

kiwiblue · 19/09/2025 14:33

My daughter was very clingy and only wanted me. She did settle at nursery but it took time. (She's now incredibly confident and outgoing!)

I personally wouldn't ditch nursery for a childminder. I have two friends whose childminders wouldn't accept their children after they took a while to settle, the childminders didn't have time to hold the child all day and didn't persevere with it for very long. Nursery can give more time to this, I think

I think she needs to go for a full day at least once a week to start settling. It took my daughter 4 weeks to be settled and really, 4 months to be properly settled and her real personality to start coming out.

Thank you. That’s what I worry about. I don’t want to have to go through stress of the settling in process again unless I’m confident it will work.

The Nursery have asked us to delay starting until January, she didn’t have any more sessions after my first message. I fear DD will associate that particular nursery with the past experience if we try again And will the nursery give it more time or will we be back to square 1 again!?!
Trying to find a new nursery is tough with 12 month waiting lists. It’s looking like my only option is a childminder, or relying on family for a year until DD starts at a new nursery next September. Ideally I don’t want to have to rely on my parents due to their health

OP posts:
Comewhatmay25 · 27/09/2025 09:23

Is dad in the picture? Do you leave her with other people? Maybe start having more time away from her so she can begin to feel comfortable with out you.

Original poster
LouiseAG · 27/09/2025 09:36

Comewhatmay25 · 27/09/2025 09:23

Is dad in the picture? Do you leave her with other people? Maybe start having more time away from her so she can begin to feel comfortable with out you.

Yes, he is, although he has a pretty full on job and travels overseas frequently so we can’t rely on him for childcare. Recently, he has been looking after DD for a few hours on a weekend whilst I spend time with my 6 year old son, and she has been absolutely fine. She was also happy with my parents for 8 hours last week when I was working

OP posts:
SpackelFrog · 27/09/2025 09:38

Well, yes. She’s a 10 month old baby, I wouldn’t expect them to settle. Mine didn’t start nursery until they were 2 and even then it wasn’t seamless but they could be reasoned with.

Comewhatmay25 · 27/09/2025 09:52

Is there any way dad could do the drop for a few weeks? The behaviour changes in my DS always shock me when DS is around. Bedtime for us is a song and dance with lights on because he is scared of the dark. When dad does it, it's a whole different child!

Original poster
LouiseAG · 27/09/2025 09:55

Comewhatmay25 · 27/09/2025 09:52

Is there any way dad could do the drop for a few weeks? The behaviour changes in my DS always shock me when DS is around. Bedtime for us is a song and dance with lights on because he is scared of the dark. When dad does it, it's a whole different child!

Yes, good Idea. We will definitely try this ☺️

OP posts:
BabyToothbrush · 27/09/2025 09:55

SpackelFrog · 27/09/2025 09:38

Well, yes. She’s a 10 month old baby, I wouldn’t expect them to settle. Mine didn’t start nursery until they were 2 and even then it wasn’t seamless but they could be reasoned with.

Loads of babies at that age settle in pretty quickly at nursery. Not sure how your comment is meant to help OP who has a job that presumably won't giver her another 12 months off.

Hi OP. My DC3 is the same age and I'm concerned about facing this too very soon. The second nursery settle did not go well and there's only one more until he starts.

Anyway I can see the nursery have told you to try again in a few months but I wonder whether you could ask them about trying full days first? I know it sounds tough but I think babies do settle quicker if they have that time to build those bonds. Going for an hour here or there is not long enough to build a bond, it's barely long enough to remember the place between sessions at that age. My DC1 was also sensitive did cry a fair bit to start with but did settle completely within a couple of weeks going 3 days a week (although was only 9mo which I think makes it easier). Personally I would really push to try that for a few weeks before abandoning the idea. I also think it needs to be at least 3 days a week at that age or the gap between sessions is too long and makes settling very difficult - everyone I know who had the biggest issues the kids were only going 1-2 times a week or for multiple very short sessions.

Lolayu7 · 27/09/2025 09:59

LouiseAG · 17/09/2025 17:57

Maybe my first message was misleading. She can self soothe. I leave her in her own room with a baby monitor for naps, and at night once she is asleep (she slept on her own from 8pm to 2:20am last night). She wakes frequently during naps/sleep due to her myoclonus and gets herself back off to sleep. I personally don’t follow the cry it out method but try to encourage her to self soothe.

I think the main issue with settling is that it takes her a long time to feel comfortable with new people. She is ok around my parents and my husband as she sees them regularly

Show quote history

I'd try a childminder . My DS now 5 went a childminder and didn't self sooth. Was BF to sleep etc and he was fine . They adapted to him and would walk him in the pram until he went asleep x

Original poster
LouiseAG · 27/09/2025 10:07

BabyToothbrush · 27/09/2025 09:55

Loads of babies at that age settle in pretty quickly at nursery. Not sure how your comment is meant to help OP who has a job that presumably won't giver her another 12 months off.

Hi OP. My DC3 is the same age and I'm concerned about facing this too very soon. The second nursery settle did not go well and there's only one more until he starts.

Anyway I can see the nursery have told you to try again in a few months but I wonder whether you could ask them about trying full days first? I know it sounds tough but I think babies do settle quicker if they have that time to build those bonds. Going for an hour here or there is not long enough to build a bond, it's barely long enough to remember the place between sessions at that age. My DC1 was also sensitive did cry a fair bit to start with but did settle completely within a couple of weeks going 3 days a week (although was only 9mo which I think makes it easier). Personally I would really push to try that for a few weeks before abandoning the idea. I also think it needs to be at least 3 days a week at that age or the gap between sessions is too long and makes settling very difficult - everyone I know who had the biggest issues the kids were only going 1-2 times a week or for multiple very short sessions.

Show quote history

Thank you, that’s really helpful and a good idea. I hope your DC settles soon too, it’s so tough isn’t it!

OP posts:
Original poster
LouiseAG · 27/09/2025 10:16

Lolayu7 · 27/09/2025 09:59

I'd try a childminder . My DS now 5 went a childminder and didn't self sooth. Was BF to sleep etc and he was fine . They adapted to him and would walk him in the pram until he went asleep x

Show quote history

DD currently naps in the pram when she’s not with me too. I’m thinking a childminder has more flexibility going out and about, so wondering if this would work better than a nursery. Plus she loves being outdoors! But a nursery has so many other benefits.
I think a childminder might be the best option, rather than trying the original nursery again.

Thank you for your advice ☺️

OP posts:
BluntPlumHam · 27/09/2025 10:29

If you can afford to take a career break till she’s 2.5/3 then I would. Babies don’t belong in nurseries and it’s awful that working women are forced to use them.

BabyToothbrush · 27/09/2025 10:54

LouiseAG · 27/09/2025 10:16

DD currently naps in the pram when she’s not with me too. I’m thinking a childminder has more flexibility going out and about, so wondering if this would work better than a nursery. Plus she loves being outdoors! But a nursery has so many other benefits.
I think a childminder might be the best option, rather than trying the original nursery again.

Thank you for your advice ☺️

Show quote history

The only thing is that a childminder might actually have less flexibility around nap times than a nursery because they might have school runs at set times, playgroups they go to in a routine etc. I can see how that could work really well for some little ones, they can fall into the routine and sleep in the buggy on school runs etc potentially. But it also might not work well if say your baby isn't tired at morning school run but then is tired at X time when the group are all out at a playgroup or it's lunch time. Then may need to be woken up from nap to go in the buggy for school run. Having 3 kids I get that's normal life to an extent, these are the challenges I have with my own! But it's often not conducive to my little ones naps and they do spend time crying even with me when e.g. they don't fancy being strapped into the pram for 45 minutes on the school run. Depends on what their routines are though anyway.

BabyToothbrush · 27/09/2025 10:54

BluntPlumHam · 27/09/2025 10:29

If you can afford to take a career break till she’s 2.5/3 then I would. Babies don’t belong in nurseries and it’s awful that working women are forced to use them.

Just working women? What about working men?