11 month old not settling at nursery

[LouiseAG]

LouiseAG · Today 13:11

Apologies in advance for the essay! This is my first post and was hoping for some help.

My daughter is nearly 11 months old and has been struggling with settling in at nursery. She has been going the following for 3 weeks:

• 1 hour sessions 3 to 4 times a week
• 1x 3 hour session today

Staff have advised that she cries the whole or majority of the time. She needs 1-1 attention and nothing helps to settle her. We have tried favourite toys, favourite food, blanket from home, even a T-shirt I have worn. They want to try 3 full days from next week as a last attempt, but said nursery might not be for her. I trust this nursery as my little boy went there and was very happy, so I believe they have tried everything they can.

I’m back at work (3 days p/w) next week. I can call on family and book annual leave as a short term measure, but I’m a bit of a loss what to do if she doesn’t settle. She has always been a high needs baby and struggles to settle for anyone other than me. I have probably not helped matters as I am still breastfeeding before naps at home and we co-sleep as she has sleep-myoclonus so I like to keep an eye on her.

Does anyone have any advice, or personal experience with this? I’m wondering if any of the following would help:

• Stick it out for another couple of weeks
• Delay nursery until the new year when she is 14 months old
• Find a local childminder
• Leave work (this is the last resort as I have worked at my company for 14 years and would prefer to stay)

Any advice is much appreciated

That’s a really good point, thank you. I’ve got a lot to think about haven’t I. I’ll have a look to see if there any other bursaries a bit further away that have availability

You said that (as a last resort), you could delay going back to work. If you can, I would take another year off with her, they are only little for a short while and another year is nothing in the scheme of things. Group childcare setting is clearly distressing for her (which is natural, it’s not ideal for any baby really) and she will love having her mummy with her for a little longer.

Tough one OP, I feel for you.

As I said in my earlier message my DD was not happy being left with anyone really, but I knew the nursery would do what it took to help her settle - they'd hold babies all day if they needed to. Settling sessions gradually got longer, an hour here and there is definitely not enough. I know the nursery did say that babies don't settle until they start doing full days and can bond. The settling sessions are almost more for the parents.

I had two friends who were dropped by childminders as their babies didn't settle quickly (they only gave it a few days!) and the childminder couldn't have their routine curtailed. Personally I don't like the fact babies are taken out on the school run etc with childminders, I think that'd affect naps as someone else said. But I think all this would depend on the childminder, if you found a good one that was very focused on making sure your baby will settle then that could be okay.

Just to also say my daughter is now so confident and outgoing, I know this is tough at the time but you'll get through it and all will be okay, whatever you decide.

Plenty of cms don't do school runs, I dont. And I can use a pram at playgroups or outings if needed. I have a routine but it flows around the child in my care. This is something to discuss at first meeting.

Find a local childminder
my kids would not settle in a typical nursery. So we went with in home options until they were 2 1/2yo and then outdoor nursery until school.

many of the CMs were mums at the local school. They were excellent.

Worked well for us (2 working parents) and for the kids.

And fwiw breastfeeding and co sleeping are not the reason your child won’t settle. Your child is just more sensitive than other kids hence you have breastfed for longer than the British norm and co slept.

And that’s ok.

(I bf both kids until they finished nursery and we part time co slept until they were ready to sleep solo - 1st was 26mo, 2nd slept solo from 14mo and then regressed before they turned 3yo - was a real killer!!)

We interviewed a lot of CMs for DC1. Many were too rigid. My kids do best when there is a flexible schedule and not everything revolves around them.

they loved the CMs where they went on the school run, school mum coffee mornings and got involved in homework. DC1 learnt to count, learnt his colours and how to kick a ball with our wonderful first CM. Her DH was a postie and the grandparents were on hand too. Was a real home from home and absolutely perfect for DC1. The world did not revolve around DC1 (unlike our home!!) and it was very much a family home.

we started DC1 with a CM from 10mo. I went back to work 4 days pw. DH and I shared pick ups and drop offs. We ended up with a CM because our nanny share fell through.

with DC2 I went back to work at 6m. We had an au pair at the start who brought DC2 to my office at lunchtime. So I could bf On the 3 days I was there.

after a few months one of the local mums took over and became our CM. They had a fabulous time. Again school run, school mum coffee mornings etc.

bf was not an issue. Baby and boobs readjusted fairly quickly with both kids.

Thank you everyone for all your advice, I really appreciate the time you have taken to help out.

It sounds like there’s so many pros and cons for each option. I’m meeting a few childminders next week so I will ask them lots of questions about routine and settling in. I’m also going to look at nurseries in the local area. If nothing seems suitable for DD, I will take a career break.

I was feeling a bit overwhelmed and vulnerable when I posted this. Now I have a plan of action, I am feeling positive that we have options and every decision is in my control.

Thanks again 😊

@LouiseAG how are you getting on? I’m in a similar situation with my little girl girl now :( xx

My 2yo started at 9 months. And took a solid month to settle in. Would scream a solid hour plus.

Those sessions just aren't long enough to settle them. It wasn't until half days settling started and full days before fully settled. What worked for me was starting with afternoons. With mornings I was dropping off half an hour before normal nap time and baby was tired and wouldn't settle. Instead I did it right after giving lunch after waking from nap. Baby wasn't tired and full so in a much better mood and stayed for half day. Within 2 days was much more settled. Then started interspersing mornings and was much better and started napping there. Then full days.

Still at same nursery and absolutely loves it. If theyre not willing to put the effort into settling they're probably just not a good fit.