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Nurseries

Find nursery advice from other Mumsnetters on our Nursery forum. For more guidance on early years development, sign up for Mumsnet Ages & Stages emails.

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Original poster

Please help- at my wits end

27 replies

Waitinggame42023 · 07/09/2025 08:48

I've just started back at work after nearly 1 year's maternity with my first baby. DH and I had everything figured out- we'd both rearrange our working patterns so we're each looking after him for 1 day per week, he's then in nursery two days per week, with our in-laws looking after him on Monday (their offer).

My son had two settling in days at his nursery the week before he was due to start, and all was well. Except last weekend, 2 days before my first day back, he (and then me and DH) got Norovirus. Bloody hideous. And my son still has diarrhoea over a week later, with no signs of it stopping. The dr wasn't interested ('let's wait and see). Husband's already taken 2 days off work. My son's already missed 2 days of nursery, and will now miss a 3rd. Despite us not seeing them for weeks, my in-laws are also unwell so cannot look after our son. Even if he's well enough for Thursday's nursery session (which is looking unlikely), he needs more settling in days before he can start full days, as he's now lost the opportunity of 'easing in'.

So I now have to take 2 days off next week to look after my son, as well as cancel major dental work I have booked. And still, my son will need the extra settling in sessions (and when do we do these? Theyre 2 hours long and nursery is a 30 min walk away each way).

How the hell do people manage this? It's not sustainable, is it? One of us can go part time, but there are major implications to this, including having to say goodbye to saving enough for a house deposit so we can buy a home before our son starts school. I'm at my wits end here, how do others cope?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

londongirl12 · 07/09/2025 08:50

You just get on with it. Kids get sick and then you have to take time off work. It’s just been bad timing with him starting nursery. Too late now, but I would have got him into nursery before starting back at work. You’re trying to do it all at once.

PurpleFlower1983 · 07/09/2025 08:52

You’ve been unlucky, you just have to take the time off work and keep going.

Octavia64 · 07/09/2025 08:52

Yeah it’s hard.

mine got chicken pox and were off for two weeks! It’s very difficult when they are ill.

sympathies.

PurpleFlower1983 · 07/09/2025 08:53

Relying on family care can be risky, we found that so now changed to ask on an hoc basis. End result for us was DH going freelance so he could be there for the childcare.

biscuitsandabreak · 07/09/2025 08:54

I would have got him into nursery before starting back at work

I don’t think most people do this.

My DS picked up a virus at nursery the first week he started. It was a pain as I’d started a new job and had to take time off, but it does happen unfortunately.

SirChenjins · 07/09/2025 08:58

You have my sympathies. My DC are adults now, but it was so hard - we didn't have family locally so no-one to help us, and there was no flexible working or wfh in those days. I ended up working p/t which helped, but also meant we were skint for ages.

We did our settling in days before I returned to work, and I think you'll just have to take time off - what leave does your employer offer in these cases? You also have the right to unpaid parental leave.

Mt563 · 07/09/2025 08:59

I know a lot of friends barely had their kids in nursery 50% of the planned time for the first month or so, it's a lot of new bugs for their immune system. Nightmare with work, we were fortunate to both work from home and she would happily sleep on us but us got much harder as she's got older (ee worked evenings/weekends to make up the time, we coordinated to make sure we could both attend non-movable meings) She's off less but we definitely need to be off with her now.

DaisyChain505 · 07/09/2025 09:04

Why are you having to cancel major dental work. Why can’t your DH take time off work instead?

NuffSaidSam · 07/09/2025 09:04

This is just one of the downsides of nursery unfortunately, particularly in the early days/first winter when they're sick all the time.

If you want care that will continue when he's sick you need to look at a nanny.

It's worth signing up to a nanny/babysitting agency who can offer emergency cover. You can get to know two or three nannies/babysitters and book them to cover days when he can't go to nursery/your in-laws can't have him.

biscuitsandabreak · 07/09/2025 09:05

DaisyChain505 · 07/09/2025 09:04

Why are you having to cancel major dental work. Why can’t your DH take time off work instead?

I am guessing they are having to save their annual leave and don’t have enough for them both to have a day off work at the same time.

Mydoglovescheese · 07/09/2025 09:08

Could you ask the grandparents to do the settling in sessions? I did this for my two youngest grandchildren and they were fine.

Elisheva · 07/09/2025 09:11

You need to have a sickness cover plan because he is going to be off sick a lot more in the next year or so. Either you alternate taking time off, or find a family member who is happy to step in.
Winter is coming so lots of cough/colds/temperatures, he hasn’t had hand foot and mouth or chicken pox yet. Plus conjunctivitis, endless sickness bugs, and all the other bugs he needs to get. It will be better in a year!

ComfortFoodCafe · 07/09/2025 10:19

Its going to get worse, he will catch everything going in the first couple of years. You need to come up with a plan, doesnt sound like you can rely on your inlaws.

ByDreamyMintNewt · 07/09/2025 10:23

You've just been really unlucky. Mine have all had various bugs but no long lasting diarrhea (touch wood!).
it's extra hard because of the settling in timing.

The first 6 months there will be various bugs. Then it will ease up. It does get much easier.

I would say that if your in laws are not going to be reliable then I would up his nursery days. Once he settles he will most likely really enjoy going.

User364431 · 07/09/2025 10:25

This is literally the first week. Sorry to be brutally honest but you have to brace yourself for this to go on for the next 2 years. People "manage" by sending their sick kids into nursery who go on to infect all the others and make the cycle worse. Some mums end up cutting back hours or quitting altogether.

sesquipedalian · 07/09/2025 10:29

OP, I sympathise. I really think it’s difficult with young children and nursery - my DD had to go into work one day after spending the night at A and E with her baby - her DH had to take the next day off to look after him. The trouble is that even if you have arranged care from your MIL, if your DC is unwell, he will want his parents, preferably his mother, and not his granny. I fear in your situation, you’ll have to go part time and defer your house-buying plans.

BumpyaDaisyevna · 07/09/2025 10:30

Aw, so sorry to hear. It’s really hard being a working parent especially when they are very small. You are probably full of all kinds of feelings about the change and the new way of life, too.
my advice is don’t rush to thinking about going part time etc etc - just deal with this immediate problem right now, by taking some time off, and get through the first few weeks of this new stage.
Your work should be understanding that in these years when you have a baby you just have to take time off when they’re ill. It’s not perfect and you can’t make such perfect plans that things always run like clockwork. It’s how it is and there must be lots of other parents of babies at your work who have to do similar from time to time.

think about the part time thing with a clear head once you have got through the next few weeks. If you can drop a day when you have very small children, it helps. But of course it means delaying other things you want eg house deposit ..

Hope everyone feels better soon, sending good luck.

Overthebow · 07/09/2025 10:31

Can you work extra hours at work and bank them? Then you could up the nursery days, work more hours each and use the ‘banked’ hours for sick time? Also use nursery instead of PIL so that eliminates you having to take time off when they’re sick. One of the main reasons we used nursery over a childminder was that we couldn’t take extra days off when the childminder was sick, this is effectively the same.

User364431 · 07/09/2025 10:37

ComfortFoodCafe · 07/09/2025 10:19

Its going to get worse, he will catch everything going in the first couple of years. You need to come up with a plan, doesnt sound like you can rely on your inlaws.

Yes. It's also irresponsible to dump a child too sick for nursery onto elderly parents. Nursery bugs are diabolical, DH and I have caught the worst illnesses of our lives from nursery (HFM, covid, croup, flu). We cannot fathom deliberately exposing our parents in their 70s to the same viruses. A sick child will also prefer to be home with familiar caregivers, as would anyone. It's impossible to gauge long term the mental impact of frequently sending a very ill child to stay with grandparents or forcing them into nursery.

DeliciouslyBaked · 07/09/2025 10:40

With both DDs, we did the settling sessions whilst I was still on mat leave, so effectively I had 3 weeks to myself before ML finished. That dealt with the half day issues for settling in.

Then for all the sickness (and trust me, there will be A LOT in the next few months), DH and I used our annual leave, unpaid leave, special leave, wfh around naps + making time up from 8.30pm-11.30pm etc. Whatever we needed to do to get through it. Make sure you are all taking good multivitamins so you avoid getting ill as much as possible and accept it will be a tricky few months. It does get easier once things their immune systems build up a bit.

I actually found it easier to be FT during the nursery years. I've just gone PT now that DD1 has started reception because wrap around school age care is dreadful and school is further away from nursery so even harder to get there on time.

Slippersandrum · 07/09/2025 11:03

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for privacy reasons.

Onthebusses · 07/09/2025 13:53

I don't think it's manageable. I think either the kids are unhappy and/or the parents get burned out and I don't just mean be a bit tired I mean life-shortening illness. Stress is also a huge killer. I wouldn't have had kids if I had to work full-time.

As someone above said this is the first week and you're freaking out. Either it's a wobble or you need to look at going part-time and enjoying your children.

Because this type of stress isn't fun for anyone. Having children is mean to be enjoyable.

Original poster

Waitinggame42023 · 08/09/2025 09:26

Thank you so much everyone for your comments, sometimes it helps to know you're not alone and it will pass! I knew it would be tough, I suppose I just didn't expect things to go so wrong straight away.
I'm also not sure about relying on in-laws for childcare, even if it is only 1 day pw. They were very keen to offer their help as they provide a lot of childcare to another family member, but personally I'd rather have him in nursery an extra day. And if he ever can't make it on that day, they could help us that way.

Some really helpful ideas, I think I'll definitely look at nanny/babysitting agency and see if I can sign up to access cover if and when we need it.
Thank you everyone for helping out a fellow mum

OP posts:

Original poster

Waitinggame42023 · 08/09/2025 09:31

Some really helpful ideas, I think I'll definitely look at nanny/babysitting agency and see if I can sign up to access cover if and when we need it.
Thank you everyone for helping out a fellow mum

OP posts:

Original poster

Waitinggame42023 · 08/09/2025 09:47

@DeliciouslyBaked that's exactly what we thought regarding working longer hours in the nursery days now, and then cutting back to work around school when the time comes. As I understand the school holidays are a nightmare and availability of wraparound care is so inconsistent.

In answer to the poster who suggested I simply go PT and enjoy my child- Certainly working FT would not be my choice, I'd love to spend more time with my son and feel a lot of guilt. But after our landlord started to drag his feet when major house problems arise (no boiler for over a month etc), we realised need to push towards that stability of our own home. Saving for that is brutal, it's taking years.
Ultimately I want my son to be happy, and I want him to have the stable home I never had.

OP posts:

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