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Original poster

My daughter was told to hold her wee

54 replies

Blueyberry · 07/05/2025 22:12

I need advice please if I have to raise this to the nursery.

It’s my daughter’s first day back at the nursery after being toilet trained. It’s been days of easy and smooth communicating with her about toileting. She was absent for a month because of sickness. When I picked her up, I was told by the staff that my daughter asked to go to the toilet many times but did not go. I was told by the staff that she told my daughter “it’s enough” at some point, and that she has to wait until they are back inside (because they were in the garden) - she said that was about 20mins. And when they’re back inside, she offered the toilet but my daughter did not go.
I did not know how to react to it until when we got home and my daughter had an urge (she said poopoo) but she did not want to go to the toilet. She was saying “no” and that she was scared. So I did not push her, until she had an accident a few minutes later. A couple of minutes later, I noticed she has an urge to poo, but she did not say anything. I had to ask her and invited her to the toilet (it was successful but with lots of reassurance). And then a few hours later, she said “poo poo” but resisting again to go to the toilet. This time we reassured her and calmed her down and she’s managed to do it.
The incident at the nursery surely had made an impact to my daughter’s confidence in toileting.
I do not think telling a toddler to hold the wee or to wait is appropriate. She is only 2y8m old and she has only been toilet trained for a month. She must be feeling anxious as well because it’s a new environment.
What should I do?

OP posts:
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Nix32 · 07/05/2025 22:20

I wouldn’t do anything. What if you had been out in the middle of town? You would have had to tell her to hold on until you got to the nearest toilet. It’s the same to me.

HaroldMeaker · 07/05/2025 22:24

I think it’s ridiculous they didn’t bring her in from the garden to do her business. I would be really quite pissed off with them. Is there another nursery you could look at? I did actually remove my ds at 3 to another setting, not for the same reason but because of similar unhelpful and rigid staffing style.

StealthMama · 07/05/2025 22:29

She isn't toilet trained. You have enabled her to feel comfortable going to the potty or toilet at home, but different locations, environments and people will all generate regressions.

Even when they start school many kids will withhold as they're not comfortable in the new surroundings.

It all takes time for them to build comfort and confidence in every location where they may get the urge to go.

And she's not yet 3....

legoplaybook · 07/05/2025 22:41

Sometimes they do have to wait - if your daughter was asking to go to the toilet a lot and then not going and then wanting to come in from the garden it means taking a staff member away from all the other children.

tiredbuttried · 07/05/2025 22:51

She’d told the staff ‘many times’ that she needed to go while they were in the garden and they’d taken her but she didn’t need to.
there had to be a point they stop, they can’t be expected to take her every two minutes indefinitely.
I wouldn’t want them to encourage her to get into the habit of pretending she needed to go when she didn’t /just to go inside.
sounds like they handled it well to me.

Original poster
Blueyberry · 07/05/2025 23:09

Could somebody explain why is there a sudden aversion to toilet at home after the incident in the nursery?

OP posts:
TheCurious0range · 07/05/2025 23:14

If she's asking that many times to go when she doesn't actually need to there's something else going on either she doesn't actually recognise the urge yet, you're just good at interpreting her body language, or is the novelty of going to the toilets at nursery or could she have a UTI that feels like the urge but then she can't go? Given she had an accident at home I think her urge recognition isn't fully there yet

aylis · 07/05/2025 23:17

It sounds like she's still trying to learn to be sure when she needs to go. I don't think it sounds like it's nursery per se that has caused her aversion at home, it's that she's not really sure if she needs to go or not.

Overthebow · 07/05/2025 23:19

If she kept asking and they offered the toilet but didn’t go then there come a point where they have to stop taking her/offering as it’s taking staff away from the other children.

ForFunGoose · 07/05/2025 23:23

I think bladder training is a part of toilet training. Offer drinks then after a time offer the toilet. In crèche and school there is usually a toilet schedule.

Original poster
Blueyberry · 07/05/2025 23:23

TheCurious0range · 07/05/2025 23:14

If she's asking that many times to go when she doesn't actually need to there's something else going on either she doesn't actually recognise the urge yet, you're just good at interpreting her body language, or is the novelty of going to the toilets at nursery or could she have a UTI that feels like the urge but then she can't go? Given she had an accident at home I think her urge recognition isn't fully there yet

She’s been doing very well for a month. And she says it quite clearly. Until the nursery (which is probably because it’s a new environment). The question is why the sudden aversion. And should I be questioning the patience of the staff towards my dd.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blueyberry · 07/05/2025 23:25

aylis · 07/05/2025 23:17

It sounds like she's still trying to learn to be sure when she needs to go. I don't think it sounds like it's nursery per se that has caused her aversion at home, it's that she's not really sure if she needs to go or not.

But she was not doing that at home.

OP posts:
TeenLifeMum · 07/05/2025 23:26

StealthMama · 07/05/2025 22:29

She isn't toilet trained. You have enabled her to feel comfortable going to the potty or toilet at home, but different locations, environments and people will all generate regressions.

Even when they start school many kids will withhold as they're not comfortable in the new surroundings.

It all takes time for them to build comfort and confidence in every location where they may get the urge to go.

And she's not yet 3....

This is bonkers. She is toilet trained and is learning to go in a new environment which is part of it all. She knows the sensation and asked to go… different environment may have meant it didn’t come if she wasn’t relaxed enough. Holding it for a few minutes is massively different to 20! Plus most dc are ready to potty train far earlier than 3.

I would try to relax and expect a little backwards step in training but keep going and encouraging dd re nursery. Could they do a sticker chart for her or ask them for suggestions as they’ve done it before. I wouldn’t be happy they made her wait. She may have been asking a lot but as I said, it’s a new environment.

PawsAndTails · 07/05/2025 23:29

I can understand them telling her to wait if they were in the garden and had already had to go back in for no reason 'many times', as you say. There's a lot of other children will needs out there too. Maybe they could have left her inside with another group rather than have her out in the garden, if you want her near a toilet, until she has it worked out better? Maybe have shorter stints outside for now?

Original poster
Blueyberry · 07/05/2025 23:30

HaroldMeaker · 07/05/2025 22:24

I think it’s ridiculous they didn’t bring her in from the garden to do her business. I would be really quite pissed off with them. Is there another nursery you could look at? I did actually remove my ds at 3 to another setting, not for the same reason but because of similar unhelpful and rigid staffing style.

Thanks! Maybe all I want from the staff is a little bit more patience towards my daughter. And if they say don’t have enough staff then I’ll be pulling her out happily.

OP posts:
aylis · 07/05/2025 23:35

Blueyberry · 07/05/2025 23:25

But she was not doing that at home.

Show quote history

But she is now, and the different environment can alter her perceptions. It doesn't mean someone has done something wrong.

Eenameenadeeka · 07/05/2025 23:36

If she kept asking to go, but then didn't actually need to use the toilet at that time, they can't just keep taking her every few minutes all day. It's just different for her and if she's had a whole month off, she has to settle back in as well as start using a different bathroom. I don't think they have done anything wrong she is just still learning

legoplaybook · 07/05/2025 23:37

Blueyberry · 07/05/2025 23:30

Thanks! Maybe all I want from the staff is a little bit more patience towards my daughter. And if they say don’t have enough staff then I’ll be pulling her out happily.

Show quote history

They don't have enough staff for someone to be purely on toilet duty.
How many 2 year olds do they have? 15, 20? And several of them will be toileting training, some will have SEN, some will be biters or climbers or runners.
You aren't going to get 1:1 attention in nursery.

Crazysunsetdramaqueen · 07/05/2025 23:38

It sounds like a bit of a regression maybe? Could it be your dd is nervous at nursery? She is only little, and regressions happen really easily, esp when they're newly potty trained. I wouldn't be too concerned, just work on your techniques again at home, the rest will follow eventually.

Original poster
Blueyberry · 07/05/2025 23:39

aylis · 07/05/2025 23:35

But she is now, and the different environment can alter her perceptions. It doesn't mean someone has done something wrong.

Show quote history

Yes after being in the nursery. Not a coincidence.

OP posts:
Crazysunsetdramaqueen · 07/05/2025 23:40

Blueyberry · 07/05/2025 23:39

Yes after being in the nursery. Not a coincidence.

Show quote history

After a long time off.

Original poster
Blueyberry · 08/05/2025 00:01

I just feel like she needed lots of reassurance in the unfamiliar toilet but she did not receive it. I know they’ve been many times unsuccessfully. But what if; on the last time she asked to go to toilet - when she was told to wait - that could have been the succesful “one”. Just feeling what she have felt at that time. Sad or frustrated or helpless. 😢

OP posts:
UniqueRedSquid · 08/05/2025 00:05

If you’re going to take exception at her not getting regular 1:1 on demand then that is going to require an extremely expensive nursery.

Original poster
Blueyberry · 08/05/2025 00:08

UniqueRedSquid · 08/05/2025 00:05

If you’re going to take exception at her not getting regular 1:1 on demand then that is going to require an extremely expensive nursery.

Just to be clear I am not demanding 1:1. And like I said I would be happy to pull her out if their reasoning is staffing.

OP posts:
Amenparent · 08/05/2025 00:12

I don't think the author was asking to have a 1:1 care, if you read the question / trend carefully. I think she / he is only asking for a little bit of patience as the toddler is newly toilet trained. I would ask the same thing to be honest. It's not like that would be the case for every nursery day.

I work in healthcarre, and if 1 of my patients appear to have more needs than the others on that given period of time (needing the commode frequently), I would happily oblige. I would not ask them to hold it, not unless there is an emergency. Why would I keep them uncomfortable? That is why you also have colleagues that can cover for you.

If the manpower in the nursery would not allow that kind of set-up, maybe, just be honest with the parents so they can make the right decision for their kid.

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