I've got bad feeling about a nursery from the first day

[Theanova]

Hi all, I hope you can give me some perspective and advice. I have a bit of a gut sinking feeling with my son's nursery. Today was his 1st day and I've been dreading it as it is but after today I'm not any more relaxed. Viewing was great, Ofsted is outstanding, nursery setting is beautiful. We go to a toddler activity class behind their building so he has met most teachers and they were really nice and kind to him. He is doing half days to start with the hope of moving onto full days. Before his start, they were great at coming back to me and discussing any concerns I had. There are no settling sessions but since we met the teachers, our visit was great, the Ofsted report and the Montessori set up + the app you can get regular updates and photos, I kind of put my worry about it to rest. Now my problem today was, I arrive and I'm told they have no internet but will send messages with updates. On the of start, they have failed to deliver what I was promised on his start date! An hour and a half into his session, I got a message saying he's not settling well with sharing toys with other kids and it might be best to come pick him up early. That's all. I do and I do witness him getting upset over a boy who took the toy away from him and the teacher (not head teacher, my son and I got along very well but another one I never met before) instead of explaining properly what's what, she tells my son 'dont, 'my son's name' no!' with a very reprimanding voice. Which I didn't say anything to but didn't like it. He is a bright boy and does well understanding what you tell him, which calms him down to cope with the situation. I do have to repeat myself but if that's what he needs, that's what I do and would for any child. I also asked multiple times, did he ask for us, she ignored me 4 times before answering as she saw I won't let it go, by 'yes, of course but it's normal, he will go to the door calling you occasionally but he will stop eventually'. She was more busy joking about the weather and how she chose the wrong foot wear for today 😒 Also, he hasn't had his water bottle out of his bag and I have not been given any report on what he's drank or snack on (he is dairy free), I saw him eat a bread stick when I arrived which is ok but I'm just wondering how his day went and I was barely told anything. Is this normal? Is this the reality of how nurseries are? Are my expectations too much? I am FTM and he's over 2 years old and I've solely taken care of him myself so my anxiety at the moment is through the roof.

Thank you!

Thing is with nurseries and childcare it is not whether they are OFSTED outstanding but how they make you feel and treat your child.

So if your gut says the staff aren't nice to your child then you need to find a setting where your child is ok and you are happy.

In my case by the time by DD was 2, due to her verbal skills I was not bothered if her CM didn't give me a run down of her day. There as when she went to nursery as well at aged 3 due to the number of staff I wanted a staff member to tell me what she got up to to see if it matched what she said.

Btw it is normal for 2 year olds not to share and fight over toys. The only thing to worry slightly about is if your child keeps picking on the same child. By the time they are 3 they will be sharing.

He was there for and hour and a half and was upset enough that they called you to collect. I'm unsure how much feedback you were expecting. You saw what he ate and you know how his day went...

Hm. I do know what you mean with being taken aback by the way she spoke. I also believe in calm explanations to young children, not senseless shouting.

I didn't come across anyone when I was using nursery that spoke sharply to a child. In fact, DS was very attached to one nursery worker and the feeling was clearly mutual. I'd expect them to be mother hen figures, not the stern voice of authority.

That said, you might want to give it a bit more of a chance. I he seems to start enjoying it, you'll have your answer.

It sounds like they are doing a settle "via the back door"

Sounds like a great amount of time to be left for first time.

Is this so they can charge the full morning? Either way follow instinct.

My sons go to a great nursery, outstanding ofstead, etc. one is in the 3-5y room (having been in baby and 2-3 rooms previously) and the other is in baby room but will move to 2-3s in a few weeks. The only room where we get updates in written format throughout the day is the baby room, after that it’s a verbal handover where they’ll say he’s eaten half
his lunch, all his tea, etc. The don’t tell us what snack and fluid they’ve had (even the baby room doesn’t tell us drinks and we don’t have to provide our own bottles, it seems a bit odd that you have to). In terms of how the day went again we get a verbal handover from all the rooms usually they’ve do this activity and this activity and that’s about it. I think you need to give it a bit more time OP before passing too much judgement.

Oh, it was me who asked for half days since they didn't do settling sessions and I was already worried how he would cope. He is a very sensitive child but highly adjustable. With that in mind I always try to put him through as little stress as possible as I don't know how other people would deal with it. Anyways, the admin thought I was private so was talking to me about charging me for half day but when I said funded, they said they will need to charge for the whole day to hold his full day place going forward... Seemed a bit strange to me but now I'm seriously questioning if this was right....

I’d normally say go with your gut, but what you described doesn’t seem to be odd or bad to me, OP. Worth leaving it a bit longer?

I think most of this worry is coming from you "dreading" nursery. Give it 2 weeks and see how you feel then.

I will raise my concerns anyways, I don't feel right letting him go back without me speaking to them about how they handled his frustration. Don't get me wrong, I use a stern voice when I need to but according to the behaviour, he was not doing anything wrong, he didn't try to take the toy away, he simply cried and was told 'No'... The more I think about it the more upset I get.... And to make it all worse, this teacher was not one I've met so far, the other teachers, he had interacted with and judging by their behaviour, they seemed more empathetic compared to this particular teacher. Just started off really badly and I don't know if I have the trust to send my son back there....

That's a great point there on the aspect of learning if your child perceived the day properly, I'll take a note of that.

The rest, I don't want report on every single day. Food and nappies I'll clearly see how much has been used. They don't do food so bring our own lunch is ok with me as I will know what he ate and what he didn't. Once he's settled I would expect a quick run down as he focused on this today, and maybe let me know the type of snacks he had today as he had dairy allergy and I worry he would eat something he shouldn't, 1-2 min handover, really the same amount as talking about the weather 😒. Today was his 1st day and they fail on to deliver two promises, one failed due to unforeseen circumstances and I was not informed that this wasn't an option for his first day and then they promised something else as a compromise on the lack of internet and still failed to deliver. As it is, I did raise my concerns about the lack of settling sessions and reassurance was given of a compromise but that was completely taken away from me. I have decided to speak to them about today and if I feel the same after few sessions, I'll have to look for another place that seems more empathetic I'm their approach towards kids and parents.

And my son is timid, he doesn't take toys, he will allow another child to take it and cry over it. He has cried a lot today, I can see his eyes were puffy and red. He will not grab another child's toy either just loudly express that he wants to play with it and get frustrated if he doesn't get it but if explained it's not his turn and needs to wait (we do little role plays at home when I try to teach him for waiting his turn) he does. For him to cry out of frustration multiple times means he was not explained, and he clearly wasn't as I literally saw a teacher telling him 'no' for crying when another kid took his toy. I honestly thought people working in nurseries would be better psychologically equip to know how to handle such situations so they help children settle, especially if they took that role away from the parents 🤷🏻‍♀️

If a nursery called me to pick up early for anything except illness or an accident I would hit the roof. Sets a precedent which I don’t have time for.
Look elsewhere

I think it is poor form that the member of staff ignored you 4 times. Bad first impression.

I had to take my DS out of a ‘Outstanding’ nursery. See this as their trial period. An unannounced early pick up , was illuminating in my experience.

It sounds like you didn't get a full handover, probably because he had only been there a little while and they had called you to collect. Was the woman you spoke to his key worker who'll be the one you regularly talk to?
The first day at nursery can be emotional for parent and child. Given the time and effort you put into choosing the nursery, I'd probably try a few more sessions before making a decision.

My post wasn't about feedback. As I outlined, my expectations of today were set by them before he started and on the day post their internet issues and they didn't deliver on both I wanted to know if other nurseries had similar arrangements and if the followed through, perhaps should have specified this.
And also if I'm questioning how his hour and a half went was because they clearly didn't know how to handle a sharing toys issues which is common in kids and they should have a specific way to deal with it rather than simply saying 'No' to him crying, to the point I had to collect him early without giving me any information why this went wrong or reassurance they are handling it well, because if they were handling it well, I wouldn't have had to pick him up early because of it and knowing my child temperament this was very unlike him to not be able to be reasoned with.

I don't think so, I have been talking only to the head teacher and haven't been told who his key worker is. I'm a FTM so I don't know the ins and outs of it so I didn't know the right question to ask either! I feel awful as my ignorance has failed my son. I'm trying to understand it all and will speak to them and if that lady is in fact his key worker I'll request to change him over.

I understand he was there for very short time but I had to pick him up early as there was an issue and my need as a parent is to understand why that issue happened, what they are doing to help him and what I can do to make it go better next time ESPECIALLY when they failed to provide with the updates they promised. I just feel so wrong about it now and we absolute loved it's beforehand!

Is this Nursery a nursery class in a school ? as you keep referring to the staff as teachers and head teachers, or is this Nursery a day nursery that cares for children ?

as there is a big difference in what they provide etc.

Tho it is a shame one of your complaints is lack of info when it was already explained to you there had no internet - maybe you should direct this dissatisfaction to their internet provider...

and as you were asked to collect him after 90 minutes i would not be expecting a full report on drink/food/nappies etc etc

No settling in days? The standard at the nursery mine attended was a build of hours in nursery from 1-4hrs over first week, with parent attending first 2 days min. With the expectation that you might need to attend for up to 2 weeks depending on child. So I’m surprised and know your set up wouldn’t have suited my child.

I had no interest in receiving photos etc during the days, but expected a verbal summary of day at end of daily sessions.

We always offer at least two settle sessions where children arrive just after the busy point and leave just before the busy point (ie after everyone has arrived and before lunch) because they do need a calm start and they often do need support. Two year olds especially can struggle with settling.

We’d always have a good chat with the parent at pick up to say how things have gone, any concerns we may have and things like that. We wouldn’t usually call a parent over settling unless the child was clearly struggling outside of normal.

Btw, half days at the beginning work well.

I understand he was there for very short time but I had to pick him up early as there was an issue and my need as a parent is to understand why that issue happened, what they are doing to help him and what I can do to make it go better next time ESPECIALLY when they failed to provide with the updates they promised.

He was there for an hour and a half, how many updates did you expect?
The staff are there to care for the children, if they were to give multiple updates an hour, they would have no time for the children.
However, no settling sessions does sound very unusual.

I'd I've it a few more weeks to alow him to settle, then see how it's going.

I'm not sure what you mean about paying for full days and/or half days, do you have a contract? If you start on half days and want to increase to full days, you probably will have to pay for the full days from day 1, or the afternoons will get booked by someone else. They can't hold a place for you just in case you might want it in the future.

Go with your gut is my advice

we ended up caring for ours at home (dh went on an evening shift) as we didn’t feel comfortable but we ended up getting a lovely private minder who was a second mother to them and now we have moved and have a similar amazing lady. Maybe go for a private minder rather than a place where they might not have the same compassion you feels your child deserves. Shouting sharply at a boy on his first day away from mum wouldn’t be the right approach and then ringing you to collect shows they are not willing to try.

I worked at a preschool until recently and I'm shocked at the nursery practitioner speaking so sharply to a child on his first day. There's no empathy and I worry that, if she's like this in front of you, what's she like when you're not there? We'd expect a child to be wobbly on their first day and spent a lot of time modelling sharing and taking turns with lots of praise for "good sharing!"

So this makes me sad and I agree with others about going with your gut instinct

We'd be cuddling him, not speaking sharply as he's learning how to be in a group without his mummy

How have things gone this week?

OP, I’m wondering what kind of nursery cannot deal with a child crying over a toy sharing incident and calls a parent after 90 minutes. Honestly that sounds bizarre.

Slightly different as DD was with a childminder but she cried inconsolably when I first left her and was really tricky for a couple of weeks. I didn’t once get a call from her CM. She was experienced and knew how to handle the situation. It’s obviously common for a child to struggle to settle in a new setting at first and I’m baffled that the nursery didn’t have strategies in place to manage this.

@Theanova that's what I mean. They say no settles. Change you for a morning or day or whatever. But then call you after an hour and a half, which is a usual settle.

Trust your gut

It does sound like there were a bit harsh with him. I’d personally go with your gut over any ofsted review. Way way more important. I also find them not offering settling sessions a red flag personally.