Guilty of leaving baby to study, should I quit?!

[Kittyxx]

My baby girl is 7 months going into 8 in a few weeks, and I was planning on being on maternity till she was 1 year and then had annual leave for 2 extra months meaning I still had lots of time with my baby before retiring to my job in nursing.

Within the last month everything’s just been very crazy and spontaneous and led to me applying for a PGCE teaching course (duration 10 months) starting September. I applied as me and my husband live with his family and have done since we’ve been married (2 years) and we’re no where closer to saving for a house than we were then. Me doing this teaching course gives us opportunities to work abroad with a housing package included and gives my family an amazing experience abroad as well as our own space! Also gives me all the school holidays so when baby is older I’m always there.

I didn’t really think I would get it as I applied in August but I did so easily! It’s like everything is happening to quickly and easily like it’s a path I’m meant to take but it means me leaving my daughter earlier than planned and it makes me feel really guilty and heartbroken! She’s attached to me as I am her and I’ve always been with her since she’s been born! We’ve worked out a timetable of nursery 2 days and then family members looking after her the other 3 days, but even then I know we’ll both struggle. Am I doing the right thing? I feel like part of me is thinking of our future and the other is thinking of quitting and being there for my baby instead of neglecting her! She’s not an easy baby and I don’t know how well she will settle with nursery or with others looking after her. When me and my husband have left her before it always ends up with her screaming.

I’m in two minds and know why I wanted to do this but feel like I’m putting my career before my child when I was never that person, my baby is always my first priority but I also want to give her the best life and have our own space and this is the only way I can see. I just don’t want mine and her bond to suffer with me spending so much time away from her too!

Please help

Did you think of your DH as being ‘guilty of leaving’ the baby when he went back to work? I bet you didn’t! That’s not to say that it won’t be hard for you and there will be a while of settling in for your DD but you have a support system around you. Don’t feel guilty about developing your career and opening up opportunities for your family for the future.

If it were me, I would defer the PGCE for a year, enjoy the rest of your maternity leave and two months extra with your baby and do the PGCE next year.

I'd also pop over to the teaching board and ask what it's like to be a teacher with a small child, I think the general advice is it's very, very hard work. It's maybe not as ideal as you think it might be.

All that said, your baby will be fine in a good nursery and will family who love her so if you really want it this year then go for it.

I did my pgce many years ago with children just starting at secondary school. Even though they were older it was extremely hard work; as other posters suggest spend some time in schools and actually see what the job entails these days. It’s not especially family friendly during term time, although the holidays are great of course. I’m afraid teachers are leaving in droves for good reasons.

Put child with a childminder, so they r in a home from home setting, then u won’t feel like u have institutionalised them at a young age.

I had my little girl in nursery full time, 5 days a week at 9 months old whilst I went back to teaching. Yes it was tough but we made sure the nursery setting was the best in the area and made the most of evenings and weekends with my little girl (and holidays of course - we only had her in nursery during term time). Worked a lot during the day to make sure I didn’t have much / anything to bring home. Having your little girl with family members I hope eases your worry. I wish we had had that opportunity but we did what we had to do and now she’s 3 and really well prepared for school having been in nursery full time for 2+ years.

How would a PGCE give you opportunities abroad but nursing wont? Where and what would you teach that wouldn't need any prior teaching experience but will give you, your baby and your dh visas and accommodation? How much would you be able to save?

No, don't stop studying! I was in a very simular situation to you with my first, even had to express at university for feeds at home. It will be hard for now but the long term benefits for the whole family will be amazing.

Bit of a heavy way to put it, the child's not on it's way to prison.

Well compared to nursing abroad teaching offers accommodation or an accommodation allowance meaning you can pick your own place too if wanted, they also offer packages like flight home twice a year for you and your child etc. not sure exactly what's included but depends on the job you accept. With nursing there's no part time offer so I'd have to work 48 hours a week nights and days so with baby it isn't the most stable job. It's also tax free so you would save more there as to here!

Aww thank you so much for this message, nice to know others were in the same boat and made it work! Did it affect your bond with baby at all? I'm scared she won't be as close to me if she doesn't see me most of the day!

Aww thank you!! My husband works from home so sadly he'll see baby more than me :( but I know what you mean! Mum guilt is too real haha x

Are you able to leave your nursing role without returning? I.e will you need to payback any occupational maternity pay if you do?

I think I’d be tempted to seek deferral to next September for the PGCE, stay off as long as you can with baby and return to nursing part time just long enough to ensure you keep your mat pay if necessary, then start the course next year when she’s a bit more independent

I just need to return back for 3 months and 2 of them are annual leave so it’s just one month I need to worry about. I know I am tempted to defer but I also don’t want to prolong it either because that means delaying moving out of my in laws house and moving abroad by another year!

As long as its a good nursery then DD will be fine.

I was pointing out that you won't be an experienced teacher - you won't have even gone past the Early Career stage. You won't be able to command those sort of job offers. And does your dh have an employer lined up who can sponsor his visa?

I know it's not what you asked but to do a PGCE with the sole intention of getting a job abroad that gives you accommodation and sponsors your dependents, despite you not having any experience, is naive at best.

A PGCE is very full-on. You will not be able to pause it for one month to return to nursing for a month, so you won't be able to keep your maternity pay. You will need to have a few years of experience being a teacher to get a high-paying job in another country.
I'm sure you could be a good teacher, but getting on to a PGCE definitely isn't a special sign of a path you are meant to take. Teacher recruitment is difficult and most universities will have places still available.
I can't tell you whether to do the PGCE this year but some of your expectations around where you will be is a year's time are unrealistic.

It's a bit of a sudden decision to take up teaching if it's only in the past month it occurred to you and now you're on the course. Are you sure you know what teaching involves? Your idea of a foreign package sounds a bit naive and not too much like you're au fait with the demands of teaching.
It's not a job you just slip in to after a few months' training; it's very demanding of your time and mental energy, in and out of school.

But if you’ve not already started your annual leave and given notice then you’re not going to be able to join the PGCE this September anyway?

Do you actually want to be a teacher? Your motivation doesn’t seem to because you actually want to teach but rather the benefits (although these are not guaranteed when you are an ECT).

A PGCE is really full on. It won’t just be nursery that you’ll be missing out in, you’ll have to work a lot at home too. Nevertheless, if you really want to teach go for it. Teaching is not a career you choose because it sounds like it might fit your life.

I'm about to go back to work teaching full time in Sept with a 3 year old and putting my 9 month old in nursery full time also. I do feel guilty about it but I know from my first that you do get through it and as another poster said, my 3 year old, who is nearly 4, will be very prepared and ready for school. Someone at work said to me once that we are very lucky to get so many holidays/time off with our children and that's what makes it worth it compared to some other jobs. It's true and as a family we make weekends and holidays count. I think sometimes it's us that feel worse than the child. They soon settle and in reality don't even end up remembering!

The only thing I would say, is that the PGCE is full on. I've been teaching for 10 years now so I'm in my flow and in a routine of not bringing much work home. Make sure your heart is fully in teaching or it could be a real struggle.

I was a single Mum and my daughter was in Nursery from very young. She wasn't institutionalised and I felt it gave greater stability than a childminder who might be ill, go on holiday or just give it up. She is an adult now and still has fond memories of it.

I did a 4 year BEd while she was there and it was a great decision. I will say that this was in the 80s and I had the benefit of a heavily subsided nursery place in London, a full student grant and teaching was more family friendly in those days. Sadly, none of those things are the case now but I don't regret her being in nursery one bit.

The nursery wouldn't bother me at all.

You are very naive if you think you will walk into a role with a package (of which there are less and less) as an ECT. Competition is fierce for roles like that in decent locations.

What does your husband do?

No way should you quit! Parenting is way more than just the baby/toddler years. You are investing in your/your child’s future! I bet your DH doesn’t feel guilty!

Well you have the option to delay a year I guess - but it sounds like you want to get on with it??

In which case go for it - 2 days in nursery and 3 with relatives is a good balance

What’s your subject op ? PGCE’s are a lot of work, a lot and there’s no guarantee that you are going to waltz into a job abroad once you’ve got one.
I have a colleague who had HOD experience before working in Dubai , he’s come back as the hours were relentless. Working abroad is not the easy option you seem to think it is