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Original poster

Can ex force me to use him instead of nursery?

30 replies

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 22/02/2024 00:18

I'm due to start work soon after mat leave.
Ex has a day off midweek and has been visiting baby that day to take him to park or soft play etc. for 3 hours - never has done a full day - dont feel happy with him in my home (emotional
Abuse bullying etc). He often cancels or is late which is annoying but manageable when I'm free on mat leave. but not good enough when I'm at work. A couple of months ago I raised a concern that he hasn't done long enough days and is very unreliable and I will need to use nursery when I'm at work on this day if things don't improve. Nothing has changed and so I have told him we will need to do contact on another day as I will need to use reliable Childcare when I am back at work or my livelihood is at risk . Today I have got a letter from a lawyer saying I must keep the status quo and allow my ex to do the child care all day (which he has never done before) on that day and I must not put baby in nursery on this day. She assures me if ex is ill he'll arrange an alternative (who? A stranger?)
Ex and I split when pregnant and he has no child care experience or sensible relatives to help - he also doesn't have parental responsibility.
Am I able to just say no to this? Do I have to give reasons and evidence? I will offer contact on another day when I don't have to be at work and need reliable childcare? (It's not possible for me to swap days).

OP posts:
Invisimamma · 22/02/2024 00:27

Put the baby in nursery and if ex wants contact let him collect the baby from nursery and have his contact and then return the baby to nursery, then you collect at the end of the working day? That way you're covered for childcare and not obstructing his contact either.

As you say he's not reliable he won't stick with the agreement and will sabotage your job.

Original poster
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 22/02/2024 00:31

@Invisimamma that's an interesting idea if they insist on Wednesdays. I wonder how disruptive and confusing that might be for a baby some days doing the full day routine there and some popping out for lunch and then going back in instead of going home.

OP posts:
LittleGreenDragons · 22/02/2024 00:36

Just because his solicitor says you have to do something doesn't mean you have to do it. Ex needs to go to court and get his contact hours/dates decided on by a judge. Do what is best for you and the baby until a judge says differently.

SoDoneIn · 22/02/2024 00:42

If he has no parental responsibility then he has no automatic rights either. You do what suits you, the lawyer can’t force you to do anything.

Tatonka · 22/02/2024 01:50

Surely your DC would be better off spending the day with their father than nursery? If he doesn't have much experience, he'll learn. I don't understand the issue tbh

DPotter · 22/02/2024 01:53

Surely your DC would be better off spending the day with their father than nursery? If he doesn't have much experience, he'll learn. I don't understand the issue tbh

The issue is, he's not turning up on time or not turning up at all and when the OP returns to work she will need reliable childcare in place.

He also doesn't have parental responsibility.

endofthelinefinally · 22/02/2024 01:58

Just say no. Inform the nursery that nobody is to collect child except you and that ex does not have parental responsibility.
Offer him an alternative day if you want, otherwise let him take you to court. He won't.
He is just trying to control you and sabotage your job.

Meadowfinch · 22/02/2024 02:02

@Tatonka OP has given her ex fair warning and he still proves to be unreliable in terms of timings. That's not good enough when she needs to work.

Plus sending a solicitor's letter telling her what she must do when there is no child access order in place, is him continuing his bullying.

Tatonka · 22/02/2024 02:07

Meadowfinch · 22/02/2024 02:02

@Tatonka OP has given her ex fair warning and he still proves to be unreliable in terms of timings. That's not good enough when she needs to work.

Plus sending a solicitor's letter telling her what she must do when there is no child access order in place, is him continuing his bullying.

How about then set some strict ground rules that he needs to live up to. It seems to me the DC would be much better having a day with their father than at nursery

endofthelinefinally · 22/02/2024 02:13

Tatonka · 22/02/2024 02:07

How about then set some strict ground rules that he needs to live up to. It seems to me the DC would be much better having a day with their father than at nursery

Show quote history

He wont follow any strict ground rules.
I don't agree that child would be better off with an unreliable, emotionally abusive, manipulative bully.
It is obvious he is just continuing to bully the OP.

32degrees · 22/02/2024 03:39

He's trying to bully and control you, and jeopardise your job.

Furthermore the lawyer is not being truthful in describing the proposed access as the 'status quo'.

I'd propose allowing him to pick up from nursery and return three hours later. It gives you reliability and preserves the status quo, which is something you're already living with. It might be even easier on you because you won't be present for handover anymore. And if he takes the piss and doesn't return her to nursery on time, or doesn't pick up- then you'll have a third party (the nursery) with records showing this. Which will support you if you ever did go to court

Bournetilly · 22/02/2024 03:45

Is there a reason he can only have baby on this day? Does he work the other days? If this is the only day he can do then I’d try and make something work.

Im not sure many nurseries would even allow baby to be picked up for 3 hours in the middle of the day, it would definitely be disruptive especially as your son got older.

You could put your son in nursery for half a day and your ex pick him up?

The best option IMO would be for your ex to have him on a different day so if this is possible then I would just put your DS in nursery. It’s ok people saying your DS is better off with his dad than in nursery but if you can’t rely on him it’s going to cause you stress.

OhcantthInkofaname · 22/02/2024 04:35

Where does he want to do this childcare? Does he want you to let him into your home? Because that definitely is not the status quo.

You are better off and the child is better off with a secure child care arrangement.

user1492757084 · 22/02/2024 04:43

Invisimamma · 22/02/2024 00:27

Put the baby in nursery and if ex wants contact let him collect the baby from nursery and have his contact and then return the baby to nursery, then you collect at the end of the working day? That way you're covered for childcare and not obstructing his contact either.

As you say he's not reliable he won't stick with the agreement and will sabotage your job.

This is good.
If you are going to agree to DC spending time with the father then it gives him time to fluff about and gradually spend more of that day with the child. You will soon learn whether he likes to spend one hour or five with baby.

Disasterclass · 22/02/2024 06:29

Some solicitors will write whatever their client asks them to. It doesn't mean you have to do it. He doesn't have PR and therefore no rights.

If you want him to continue contact let him collect from nursery mid afternoon. Be clear with the nursery the parameters of this so he can't just turn up when he likes.

Codlingmoths · 22/02/2024 06:31

Tatonka · 22/02/2024 01:50

Surely your DC would be better off spending the day with their father than nursery? If he doesn't have much experience, he'll learn. I don't understand the issue tbh

Not in the father can’t properly care for him. Read his cues, change his nappy , feed him lunch, get him to nap

Codlingmoths · 22/02/2024 06:35

book baby into childcare. Reply to lawyer so ex has to pay for the reply too. ‘Every working parent needs reliable chikdcare. Simon cancels approx 20% of the time, is late 80% of the remaining time and has never cared for baby for more than 3 hours despite having every opportunity, I can provide dates and times. I need capable full time reliable day care and have booked this in, so I can keep my job and pay for a roof over my baby’s head. No sensible loving mother would leave their baby with a man who has chosen not to demonstrate they can care for a baby.

Mummyboy1 · 22/02/2024 06:40

@Unexpectedlysinglemum please do not let your ex pick up from nursery and then return to nursery the same day. It is very confusing for them!

ShagratandGorbag4ever · 22/02/2024 08:16

You can make whatever arrangements you wish for your child during your own contact time. Your ex can make whatever arrangements he wishes during his contact time. If he does not have any contact time, the onus is on him to go to court and apply for it.

Original poster
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 22/02/2024 09:59

Mummyboy1 · 22/02/2024 06:40

@Unexpectedlysinglemum please do not let your ex pick up from nursery and then return to nursery the same day. It is very confusing for them!

Yes that was what I was thinking!

I agree that IF he was a reliable dad then it would be better him caring for him rather than a nursery and I hoped we could get to that point but baby is starting in a couple of weeks so he has run out of time to prove he can be reliable I did warm him. I think he can choose which day off he has I think he's just embarrassed to tell work that it's changed - if I had flexibility with the current day I would keep it as my non working day but it's the one day all the team has to work when part timers.
I'm happy to facilitate contact on any other day when I don't have work. The pick up is a nice idea but it's still quite dark and cold in the evenings - maybe as it gets lighter he could go to the park after nursery.

He's confused contact with child care- I will always help contact happen but childcare needs to suit me and my job.

I think I've been very laid back and flexible on mat leave because I can be but I have a serious job where I can't be late for or cancel appointments. I already know it will be me
Who is taking time off when baby gets sick
So that will be enough of an annoyance to my employer!!

This is a guy who can't admit any fault or take direction from me he always thinks he's right. If you see my post 'ex burnt my baby' he thought that was my fault as I'd been on holiday the week before and so he hadn't had a chance to see that the baby could reach a bit further (to grab a coffee cup) that he could two weeks before.

Basically I wanted to check when his lawyer said 'you must not' she was just talking with no authority- it's not like when a judge says 'you must..'

I like the 'he has been late 24% of times and cancelled this many times' sentence

OP posts:
Original poster
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 22/02/2024 10:03

Tatonka · 22/02/2024 01:50

Surely your DC would be better off spending the day with their father than nursery? If he doesn't have much experience, he'll learn. I don't understand the issue tbh

The other thing is I have never seen his new flat- his last one was filthy like he never ever hovered- and he hasn't got a car seat despite me suggesting he
Books an appointment to have one fitted safely. So I don't know if he took baby away if baby would be safe he lives quite far away~ this is something that we can work out in time but not before I go back for work the timing is dreadful!

OP posts:
Original poster
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 22/02/2024 10:37

Thank you all- the lawyers linked in looks very intimidating so it really helps to get advice here x

OP posts:
LittleGreenDragons · 22/02/2024 10:48

If you see my post 'ex burnt my baby' he thought that was my fault as I'd been on holiday the week before and so he hadn't had a chance to see that the baby could reach a bit further (to grab a coffee cup) that he could two weeks before.

Well...that puts a different light on it. I would not facilitate any unsupervised contact with him ever again. Protect your child, not this man's feelings of entitlement. Let him take you to court (and he can pay for it) but start keeping a diary with dates of when he puts baby at risk, and his unreliability or when he's unreasonable. Stop giving him so much control over your life.

Illpickthatup · 22/02/2024 11:00

Solicitors will put anything in a letter if they're paid to do so. Doesn't mean it's legal.

Put the baby in nursery as planned and he can take you to court if he doesn't like it. If you haven't already, start keeping a diary of all the times he's cancelled or been later with childcare. If he takes you to court you can use it as evidence.

TooOldForThisNonsense · 22/02/2024 11:02

Fuck his lawyer’s letter and put the baby in nursery