Preschool - told to go cold Turkey on potty training

[beaniesunrise]

Hi, I’m feeling really overwhelmed today. My child (3 years old) started nursery/ preschool today for the first time, only going to go half day for 5 days a week. We have settling in sessions this week (starting 1 hour today, gradually increasing by 30mins until the full afternoon)

the teacher said my child needs to be toilet trained and out of nappies now they are in nursery and 3 years old. Guess I wasn’t expecting it and thought I could do it slowly. I told her about my concerns and she said to just go cold Turkey otherwise DC won’t learn. I tried potty training by taking a week off in October (I work full time), but it got too much for me as DC kept having accidents and wouldn’t use the potty, only toilet upstairs - meaning lots of accidents and changing clothes and running. I found out I’m pregnant the week after so put it on hold.

im now stressed and overwhelmed at the thought of potty training again and going through the changing of clothes from accidents, running up and down the stairs, especially now whilst pregnant, I was already very anxious about DC starting nursery and being away from me for the 1st time - so this is more overwhelming on top of adjusting to the change this week… I feel like I need a break to settle in nursery and get my mind around everything before attempting potty training again.

I also have mild ocd and anxiety so potty training seemed to be even harder for me mentally

just needed to hear other people’s experiences and thoughts on potty training/nursery and if they’ve also experienced these feelings

Lots in your post about what's going on for you, how you feel, what you think and do, why you can't.... pretty much nothing about your child...

But largely, yes cold turkey is best, and most 3 year olds are ready or very nearly ready.

I don't agree with previous post!
Once children are ready potty training is a dawdle. But if they aren't ready it takes ages and is stressful! Some kids are a bit over 3 for this.
Nursery is being unreasonable!

You shouldn’t have left it until 3yo, ocd and anxiety and pregnancy aside. It’s not in your child’s best interest to be soiling himself and sitting in his own wee for so long.

Now that you have, yes, go cold turkey. Unless he has serious developmental issues, he will be ready. On the other hand, he’s now been trained to go in the nappies - why would he want to stop? So expect him to resist, violently. Rod for your own back and all.

Btw, the longer you leave it, the more he will connect it with your pregnancy and the new baby.

It will be much easier to potty train before you have a newborn and before you are heavily pregnant. I'd bite the bullet and go with it. Nursery will help give you a break a few days/week. Your child will likely pick it up quicker seeing their classmates use the potty.

The point is, OP doesn't know her child isn't ready, she's too anxious to try. She tried 3 months ago (ages for a 3 year old) and gave up when she found out she was pregnant.

Sounds like your DC was ready if he was aware he needed to wee/poo but the accidents were happening because he wanted to use the toilet (which, is completely and utterly sensible at age 3) instead of a potty. I agree with teacher. You just need to do it. It’ll be a lot harder when you are very pregnant or have a newborn.

Do it before baby! I did my then 2.5 year old with an 8 month old it was tough!

No matter when you start potty training there is always going to be changes of clothes and running to the toilet. It’s part and parcel of toilet training. I’ve yet to meet a child who was instantly dry upon starting. Every child will have an accident. Doing it now will be far easier than when you’re heavily pregnant or have a new born. Your son was already showing signs of training when requesting to use the toilet rather than the potty. Perhaps, if he accepts and it’s easier, you can get a potty that looks and sounds like a toilet.

Is this a preschool/nursery that only takes them from 3? They often expect children to be potty trained before starting unless they have SEN and aren't well set up for changing. My DS started a school nursery at 3;6, having only potty trained at 3;3. It would have been trickier for us if he had started earlier. We had tried potty training before but he just didn't seem to get it. When we tried it at 3;3 it happened smoothly with hardly any accidents. My DD trained at 2;6, so DS seemed late in comparison but it was the right time for him. I would give it another try and see how you get on. You don't ideally want to do it heavily pregnant and he will be quite old if you wait until after your baby is born.

I’m surprised the pre-school took your child knowing they were still in nappies. All of the ones round here expect them to be toilet trained before they can start.

At 3, you should be able to talk to them about using the toilet, even if you're not sure they're physically ready. Now they're at nursery they'll also see other children going to the toilet and become aware if they're the only one in nappies.

No judgement from me on timing, mine were both three, and we went cold turkey. Accidents were few and far between.

And if you're pregnant, definitely get it done asap.

My younger dc was a late bloomer in the potty department! I don't know why as my first dc was really early to get it. But I think you should go for it. At 3yo he is likely to get it. It may not be as bad as you think.

The OP said literally nothing to do with readiness (personally I think "readiness" is a bit of a red hearring anyway, but never mind). She said her child wanted to use the toilet not a potty, and that this was hard to handle with stairs due to her being pregnant - I am assuming they live in a two floor house and only have one toilet. I totally get that this is really tough when pregnant, but.... she needs to crack on with this. Her child is three, she can't just leave them in nappies out of convenience. And it needs to happen before the baby is here.

OP, try No Crap Potty Training; they have a whole chapter on what to do if you have left potty training until "on the late side" to start, and are very good if you want to get it done fairly quickly.

Thanks for all your responses. I agree with training before the newborn & heavily pregnant, I’ve got about 5 months left. I did think to just bite the bullet and go cold Turkey tomorrow.
Hmm. I did write this post stating that I’m feeling overwhelmed and needed to talk about “how I feel” @KateyCuckoo I did know that my DC was ready hence I tried in October, and I didn’t give up because I found out I was pregnant, or that I was “too anxious”, it was because it all became too overwhelming and stressful. Posts like yours are very unhelpful who think they know everything.

As I mentioned I found out that I was pregnant the week after. so for “how my child felt” when I tried potty training, they was excited since we started telling them a month before that we’re going to potty train, they watched videos and read books. They knew when they did an accident but it didn’t lead them to understand they’re wet or to hold it next time. They refused to go to the toilet when I would ask “if they needed to go” when I saw signs or that it’s time to go (every 10mins-30mins). DC responded well the first 2 days to stickers & treats and we had some wins, then the next 3 days went downhill which was a miss at every attempt to put them on the toilet. Eventually DC lost motivation to keep doing it and was getting upset so I stopped and thought to try again after a break.

I don’t think I’ve left it long however, every child is different and ready at their own pace. Every parenting style is different, some just train later. I’m following my child’s cues.

thanks for all your opinions, I’ll give it another go soon

@Kokeshi123 Thank you, you’re bang on. I’ll give it another go and have a look at your recommendation 😊

You know your child best, OP. My son turned 3 and it was suggested that I should do the same but for a number of reasons I delayed. I waited until he was about 3 years 5 months, saw signs that he was ready and it took 4 days to transition. No accidents. We only needed to carry a potty with us when out and about for a couple of weeks until he started using the toilet. He's old enough to tell me when he needs to go, and he's dry every night.

Trust your instincts and ignore the pressure. I chose not to have a battle for months on end and I didn't want my child to face the humiliation of having accidents, they all get there in their own time

@IDontDrinkTea i think that would class as discrimination if they didn’t.
@LaCuntiatta @FoxtrotSkarloey @BendingSpoons @bettynutkins Thank you all for your thoughts !

@Parentingin2024 Ahh that’s encouraging, thank you for letting me know your story! I will give it another go and hopefully my DC will get through it this time - they’re 3 years and 4 months right now 🤓

It's likely a safeguarding issue from the nursery, most settings I know of will have strict rules in place about changing a nappy with more than one staff member present, which isn't always possible. I'm sure accidents do happen and they'll make allowances in the early days.

Good luck with the potty training. I've heard good things about the 'potty training in three days method'.

The trick is really not to give up and unfortunately I do think you let it get to you in October - I think too many parents troop out the old "they'll get it when they are ready" but most of them ARE ready by age 3 it's the parents who perhaps are not - really it requires battening down the hatches and probably not leaving the house for a week and then only short trips thereafter for another week. Accidents are to be expected - have the washing machine on standby and piles of spare clothes. Only let them sit on the sofa if they are on towels and get a box of dr beckman carpet cleaner. I've just done my second twin over the Xmas period. They also refused potty's and I had to carry them up the stairs to the only toilet. The bad weather helped as nothing to do but stay in - naked from the waste down for best part of a week.
I was knackered by the end of the 2 week Xmas break but it's done

So it was either your OCD stopping you doing it or you are following cues from your child?

At 3 you can ask your child to use the toilet, I don't see what ocd has anything to do with it?

Controversial maybe but I don’t always buy into the whole wait until they’re ready thing. A lot of them might not even know they’re ready when they are. Surely it’s a skill that needs to be taught and learnt rather than just waiting until they ask to be out of nappies.

I would also go cold turkey on the nappies!

I agree. I do think there is too young, but I think there are far, far more instances of potty training being difficult or not working because the child is too old. Give me potty training a generally compliant 2 year old (even though it might take physically more work) over a boundary pushing, head strong, 3 or 4 year old. I’m glad we cracked on with my eldest at 2, even if it did mean a few accidents (he was completely accident free in about 9 or 10 days at 2 y 4 months, despite not ticking all the boxes for ‘readiness’ I often see on here). He would absolutely not have bought into doing something that didn’t directly benefit him at age 3 or 4.

Our twin 2 year olds only wear a nappy for bed just incase and our 3 year old has been trained a while..none liked the potty preferred the toilet seats you get. Set alarm every hour and put them on regardless then lots of praise. Now they just say stink or wee lol

Yes I remember at about 2.5 my DC went from mummy pleasing and loving praise to her favourite word being no to most things. I was so pleased I had potty trained her at 2 before she went through that phase as that would have been so much harder!