Preschool - told to go cold Turkey on potty training

[beaniesunrise]

Hi, I’m feeling really overwhelmed today. My child (3 years old) started nursery/ preschool today for the first time, only going to go half day for 5 days a week. We have settling in sessions this week (starting 1 hour today, gradually increasing by 30mins until the full afternoon)

the teacher said my child needs to be toilet trained and out of nappies now they are in nursery and 3 years old. Guess I wasn’t expecting it and thought I could do it slowly. I told her about my concerns and she said to just go cold Turkey otherwise DC won’t learn. I tried potty training by taking a week off in October (I work full time), but it got too much for me as DC kept having accidents and wouldn’t use the potty, only toilet upstairs - meaning lots of accidents and changing clothes and running. I found out I’m pregnant the week after so put it on hold.

im now stressed and overwhelmed at the thought of potty training again and going through the changing of clothes from accidents, running up and down the stairs, especially now whilst pregnant, I was already very anxious about DC starting nursery and being away from me for the 1st time - so this is more overwhelming on top of adjusting to the change this week… I feel like I need a break to settle in nursery and get my mind around everything before attempting potty training again.

I also have mild ocd and anxiety so potty training seemed to be even harder for me mentally

just needed to hear other people’s experiences and thoughts on potty training/nursery and if they’ve also experienced these feelings

Op I've had 2 sons. One potty trained at 2.5 years, the second was much more challenging and cracked it in 3 days but not until he was 3 and 9 months.

Same parents, similar (but tailored to them) approaches.

Some kids just aren't ready earlier.

My second didn't like potties. We trained on one that looked like a mini potty and after 3 days he cried for it to go away and started using the toilet. By 5 days he was trained.

We did "potty practice" from babyhood; I didn't regard it as training, just getting used to the idea and being comfortable with using the potty sometimes from early on.

It did mean we were able to shift to full toilet training quite early (we were finished soon after the second birthday) and avoided the awful "Help, help, my preschooler won't poo in the toilet and holds until we give her a nappy to poo in" bollocks which I swear at least half of my friends went through.

There are hardly any changes of clothes if you leave it until they are ready. I didn't put mine in pants until about 3.3yrs. Use pull ups and get your DC used to the potty and a toilet trainer seat for a couple of months. Then when they swap over to pants it shouldn't be too painful.

There's a book by Azrin and Foxx, called Toilet Training in Less Than a Day, that will give you huge confidence in approaching the process.

If you get the book and decide to follow the method, you'll have to spend time doing the recommended groundwork, and the method itself depends on constant repetition so you'll need to take some time and spend a few days doing very little apart from training.

I followed the method and while it took a few days, not just one, it worked well. The best part was that I felt I had a plan to follow, so not facing The Great Unknown or feeling I had to accomplish this thing with no idea what I was doing.

Another tip - you don’t ask them if they need to use the bathroom , you tell them they have to.

Probably the same week they start Nursery isn't the most ideal time but 3 is very late to not be toilet trained (SEND aside).
By this age, I'd agree with the teacher at Nursery, you need to just go cold turkey and help them learn.

We had so many issues trying with ds, he became very upset at the pressure etc and we had to leave it a while until after his sister was born. He was 3.5 when he announced that he wears pants now not nappies, and we had no accidents for about 9 months (then he became constipated, so poop accidents). This is who he is - he does nothing until he is absolutely ready.

In contrast, his little sister was asking for 'potty' or 'wee wee' before she was 1, and before she was mobile. She's almost 2 and still uses the potty and toilet often, but we've not trained her yet as she's not able to pull pants up and down yet. She's excellent with communication, slower on physical abilities. I imagine we'll try this summer.

They're all different. If yours is ready, you're going to have to commit to it, rip the plaster off and get it done!

@beaniesunrise I worked in childcare for many years and it is quite common for childcare to push for toilet training for the 3-5 year old room (kindergarten or preschool depending on where you are). I remember one parent whose ds was ready to move up from the toddler room to the kinder room (but not toilet trained & 3 years and a couple of months) responding to us pushing for her to toilet train her ds by telling us that he is not ready yet. She insisted on doing it her way and going by his readiness. She was right. When he eventually toilet trained it was a smooth transition from nappies to toilet and he didn’t even have any accidents. He didn’t need to be reminded and he didn’t refuse to go to the toilet when he needed to go.

Long story short, parents know their own children best. Trust yourself and do what you think is best even if you get pushback from others.

When I became a parent myself I remembered this parent’s calm and patient response to toilet training and my dd was 3.5 when she was truly ready. And toilet training went very smoothly for us too.

Interestingly, my training taught me about the importance of waiting for children to be ready so it really should be understood by childcare professionals.

The reality is that childcare centres (nurseries) are built with nappy change facilities in the baby’s room and toddler’s room but not in the kinder/preschool room. So, a child in the kinder/preschool room who is still in nappies will need to be taken to the toddler room. Child/staff ratios make that difficult as a staff member would need to be able to leave the room to take them up to the nappy change facilities.

(I’m in Australia so regulations would be different). When we have children with additional needs there will be funding for an additional staff member. Having an additional staff member makes it easier to take kinder aged children with additional needs who are still in nappies out of the room to change them. But with no additional staff member it becomes very difficult.

So, their motivation to get you to toilet train is less about whether your dc is ready or not but rather the logistics of being able to cater for dc in a preschool room.

Agree with you @Birchtree1 - we just left it until my DS was ready in his own time, and then it was a (reasonably) easy transition. Whereas other friends who pushed it became really frustrated, and felt the child was "intentionally " wetting themselves or soiling themselves, as a kind of power game… Which I'm sure they were not. It was just they weren't yet ready to be potty trained.

Hey everyone, 🤗

i wanted to post an update since I made this last thread 2 months ago.

DS is now doing well with potty training, he will go to the toilet and do a wee each time I take him without any resistance. I try to take him every 2-3 hours, especially when I see his tell tale signs and at key times I.e. waking up, before & after meals, before going out, after naps and before bedtime. It seems to work, he’s even doing the same at nursery. 📚

the only challenge I now have is getting my 3 year old to tell me he needs to wee. We’ve had few accidents where if I/nursery haven’t taken him to the toilet for a while, he’ll do an wee in his pants - he recognises this as he then says “oops I did an accident” - so I guess getting him to recognise the feeling of needing to go is the next step for success..

any tips on how to get him to tell me he needs to use the bathroom? He’s even happy to go to the toilet alone and close the door (me outside)

thanks! 😅

I work in a preschool room in a nursery and the younger room (2-3) is much more set up for toilet training. They have more adults so it’s easier for them to quickly get a child to the toilet or remember the half hour reminders than a room with just two staff and more adult
led activities and trips out. That said, we are getting more and more children who are still in nappies or only just starting to toilet train in the older room.

I think one of my children was just turned three (was determined to get her there before her sister was due to be born) but the others were all under three when they were out of nappies. My three year old was quickest though, she only had a couple accidents over the few days following being out of nappies. We went cold turkey with her as she was ready but anxious. She would wear knickers but not use the toilet and just hold it until a nappy went back on where she would immediately fill it. We decided to take the lining out of her nappy. She did the big wee when we put it on and it obviously went everywhere. We just told her she was too big for nappies and they wouldn’t work now. She was dry both night and day and using the toilet by the end of the week. I’m not saying I recommend that method but it depends on what’s holding back children as individuals as to what helps crack it.

There is a risk of leaving it until the child is ready. We are due to have 5 children join reception in September who are all still in nappies. No medical reasons, just lazy parenting.