Nursery dilemma - would really welcome thoughts as to what you would do

[Summermeadowflowers]

My ds turns 3 in one month. Since he was 9 months, he has attended nursery: five days a week from being 9 months - 19 months, then three days.

In that time, he’s also changed nurseries. We moved house in summer 2022 and the nursery he was originally at is one of a small local chain with five day nurseries in the area. It isn’t the most convenient for our house but it is quite near my workplace so that’s fine.

All was fine, but recently I’ve been getting a lot of reports about ds being unkind to his friends - pushing and hitting and snatching toys. Ds does have that side to him and we did have a phase of biting when he was around 18 months but that did stop. I always thought that it would improve when his language improved but now his language is really good it’s harder to use that as an ‘excuse.’

I did end up asking for a meeting with nursery about it and I’ve come out none the wiser - they are going to see what his triggers are (ABC strategy, if anyone is familiar with this) and they did say that behaviour in that room is challenging at the moment and they feel ds is copying a lot of behaviour.

It’s very hard as there isn’t anything tangible I can put my finger on but I am feeling a bit uneasy about a few things. One is the level of staff turnover. I know that people come and go and get shifted around but there doesn’t seem to be much continuity which will obviously impact on behaviour.

I am also a bit concerned that the meeting came from me. Surely some sort of plan should have been in place with me involved as well?

Also, ds doesn’t seem too happy about nursery at the moment, although it’s very hard to say with him - he gives very little away to be honest. He’s fine going in but doesn’t seem too enthusiastic and there was a worrying episode several months ago where he was becoming extremely distressed at going in. He did keep mentioning a particular child’s name but without any context so I still don’t know what was happening there.

The other thing that is relevant is ds has started to do sessions at a preschool (more on this below) and I’ve had no complaints at all about behaviour. This could be due to the novelty factor, shorter sessions so I don’t want to make assumptions but it is making me consider maybe the setting isn’t helping.

So - a new nursery has opened that is actually within walking distance although still a fair trek (we are quite remote!) and a five minute car journey, if that. It’s another local chain so shouldn’t be at risk of closure and a friend has a daughter at another branch and seems very happy so that’s all good.

I am currently on maternity leave and planning to go back to work at the end of June. I will be doing two days rather than my original three. My thinking is that I could potentially enrol both children to do two days from the end of June. For the rest of my maternity leave ds could attend preschool to give me us a break and this would also hugely help with costs as his nursery placement is my maternity pay, and when that goes to the unpaid part will be a struggle. But I just don’t know if I’m jumping the gun. I don’t want everything familiar to ds to change but I also don’t see the current situation as beneficial to anybody. And with his third birthday approaching and the end of the year it’s a good time to make changes, if I do. I just feel so guilty!

Thanks, but I think the nursery set up
suits us better. Either way would have two settings, in any case.

why is DDs childcare needing to be sorted

Where in earth do you live where the waiting lists aren't 12+ months long?

I wouldn't have your DS in two different settings at the same time, what a faff! Just move him once to a new nursery and then leave him there until he starts school. No benefit to preschool on top.

This is what I meant and what I did when I went back to work to minimise change for my son.

1. Oldest son at full time nursery
2. went to pre school while I was on mat leave
3. Got a childminder for my second who could also pick up my oldest from pre school

Helped to minimise the changes and the bonus is now my oldest is at full time school the same childminder picks him up. Which is handy as after school club has a huge waiting list.

The reason I'm saying cm is because you said ds loves the pre school so I thought you, like me, might not realise that cm do pick ups so you can have him there the full 30 hours and possible your baby with them too. These are usually cm with staff and a van not just their house. Like a very nurturing nursery with say 12 kids total and their own space.

@TookTheBook specifically, why was I needing to register my DD with a childminder was what I meant.

However, our lists aren’t twelve months. I actually registered her at DS’s nursery before she was even born - she was Baby Summermeadowflowers on the registration form. I do think when we’re arguing about a four month olds non existent childcare space the thread has gone somewhat bonkers! If I do decide to move DS and the ear has made me err towards not, she’ll go where he goes.

Thanks @Boomboom22 , it would be tricky though. Thanks for the suggestion.

I've read the whole thread and I'd move him to be honest if DD would go to the same nursery.

Yeah change massively throws kids off balance, but it's also important to balance that with the positives of making a big change.

Write a pros and cons list for each nursery and see how you feel. You know deep down which one is the right one.

Thanks @Gummybear75 Writing it all down did help, it’s just the ear has thrown me off a bit as it does seem that rather than being unhappy with nursery per se he is maybe just experiencing pain and discomfort generally

Yes they are normal but you also need to accept it's unsettling.
Part of developmental stages is learning to share the turns and use your words not your hands and strategies include modelling, praise, setting up activities that encourage sharing and turn taking, story and circle times, discussing feelings etc....all normal activities in nursery and one of the main emphasis in a curriculum for this age group.

I do accept it @jannier - but it is not why I’m posting. I genuinely apologise if that sounds horrible as it isn’t meant to be, but it isn’t. As I’ve said before, the only thing it’s achieving is getting me upset.

The idea of the childminder is to reduce yet another set of childcare just as he starts school people are trying to help you and your child but all you want is a short answer...okay do not move any child more than you have to. Children benefit from consistency and close loving bonds.

Why

So he would either have

Nursery + preschool or

Childminder + preschool

No difference. Anyway, the childminder model wouldn’t work for us.

No over the next 18 months or so it would be existing nursery nursery then + preschool + new nursery + school + any wraparound and holiday cover 6 settings
Or
Existing nursery + preschool moving to childminder then continuing with childminder and school....4 settings.

I have to admit I’m getting really confused again.

He isn’t going to a childminder. He will be going to school, in eighteen months time, which I can’t really avoid.

In all probability, he will continue at his current nursery (two days) and do a couple of mornings at preschool (which he loves.) I am not seeing this as the hugely disruptive thing you apparently are, I’m afraid.

When he goes to school where will he go before and after school and the 14 weeks school is shut?

It isn’t what the thread is about @jannier

But I will only be at work for two days a week. DH works from home some of the time so he will probably be able to pick ds up on those two days. The school does have a breakfast club and an after school club as well.

I am a teacher myself so don’t need childcare in the school holidays.

I don’t mean to sound flippant but this thread is bonkers! The OP has asked a question about nursery and got all sorts of answers explaining her sons behaviour and suggesting options like childminders that the OP doesn’t want. Then another poster is picking up the suggestion that OP said she didn’t want and acting like she’s considering it.

Meanwhile the original question isn’t even getting answered! I personally think feeling comfortable with a nursery is really important so if you don’t feel comfortable with them, move him.

@Fahhgedaboutit I’m so relieved you said that as I was wondering if I was losing the plot a bit, although I do think a couple of posters over the page were making genuinely helpful suggestions - it’s just they wouldn’t work too well for us at this time.

My only worry was that my ds was not happy. Since I am on maternity leave at the moment, I have a bit more flexibility and was considering some alternatives. I still am considering them but am now probably leaning towards staying in current setting given his ear appears to have been the cause of some of the behaviour.

I'd just go the full 30 hrs at pre school from the term after 3 then and have your husband do pick up the 2 days when you're at work and you take the baby with you 2 days to the nursery close to your work. You can slowly drop the current nursery down or leave if you do think your gut was right, maybe they are great up to 2.5 ish but the kids get bored after so your daughter would love it from 1.

We couldn’t guarantee DH being around though @Boomboom22 - there is an after school club at the school he could use if he needs to, but if I’m at work and DH is away then we’d be stuck. So we do need a private day nursery for those two days really. Plus, he’s still young and it would be hard for DH to do any work with ds around!

So 6 settings in two years....how settled and confident would you be in 6 jobs in two years? How are the children you teach if they had been at 6 schools? That's why moving them is hard and if it's not going to solve something people are querying it. Have you looked at attachment theory?

@jannier look, I don’t know how many different times I can say this, but you are for reasons best known to yourself completely inventing things and not only is it puzzling but it is preventing the thread being helpful.

He currently goes to nursery A, and will probably stay there until school.

He will also go to preschool.

Then start school.

Even if I did change nurseries - big if - that’s four settings. I’ve no idea where this six is coming from.

So your response to my question is that because of all the disruption (??) I should keep ds where he is, is that correct?