Nursery dilemma - would really welcome thoughts as to what you would do

[Summermeadowflowers]

My ds turns 3 in one month. Since he was 9 months, he has attended nursery: five days a week from being 9 months - 19 months, then three days.

In that time, he’s also changed nurseries. We moved house in summer 2022 and the nursery he was originally at is one of a small local chain with five day nurseries in the area. It isn’t the most convenient for our house but it is quite near my workplace so that’s fine.

All was fine, but recently I’ve been getting a lot of reports about ds being unkind to his friends - pushing and hitting and snatching toys. Ds does have that side to him and we did have a phase of biting when he was around 18 months but that did stop. I always thought that it would improve when his language improved but now his language is really good it’s harder to use that as an ‘excuse.’

I did end up asking for a meeting with nursery about it and I’ve come out none the wiser - they are going to see what his triggers are (ABC strategy, if anyone is familiar with this) and they did say that behaviour in that room is challenging at the moment and they feel ds is copying a lot of behaviour.

It’s very hard as there isn’t anything tangible I can put my finger on but I am feeling a bit uneasy about a few things. One is the level of staff turnover. I know that people come and go and get shifted around but there doesn’t seem to be much continuity which will obviously impact on behaviour.

I am also a bit concerned that the meeting came from me. Surely some sort of plan should have been in place with me involved as well?

Also, ds doesn’t seem too happy about nursery at the moment, although it’s very hard to say with him - he gives very little away to be honest. He’s fine going in but doesn’t seem too enthusiastic and there was a worrying episode several months ago where he was becoming extremely distressed at going in. He did keep mentioning a particular child’s name but without any context so I still don’t know what was happening there.

The other thing that is relevant is ds has started to do sessions at a preschool (more on this below) and I’ve had no complaints at all about behaviour. This could be due to the novelty factor, shorter sessions so I don’t want to make assumptions but it is making me consider maybe the setting isn’t helping.

So - a new nursery has opened that is actually within walking distance although still a fair trek (we are quite remote!) and a five minute car journey, if that. It’s another local chain so shouldn’t be at risk of closure and a friend has a daughter at another branch and seems very happy so that’s all good.

I am currently on maternity leave and planning to go back to work at the end of June. I will be doing two days rather than my original three. My thinking is that I could potentially enrol both children to do two days from the end of June. For the rest of my maternity leave ds could attend preschool to give me us a break and this would also hugely help with costs as his nursery placement is my maternity pay, and when that goes to the unpaid part will be a struggle. But I just don’t know if I’m jumping the gun. I don’t want everything familiar to ds to change but I also don’t see the current situation as beneficial to anybody. And with his third birthday approaching and the end of the year it’s a good time to make changes, if I do. I just feel so guilty!

But it is about the nursery, you're considering making more changes for little one based on his behaviour if his behaviour is affected by a new sibling moving him won't help and may make it worse.....plus a lot of the behaviour is pretty normal learning to share and take turns in bigger groups. It's also pretty normal with new siblings. But it sounds like you don't want to hear it maybe influenced by that and would rather be told changing nursery is the magic solution whereas it may well make it worse then a year later he's going to school so another new setting plus potentially new wrap around solutions in which case I'd say look for a childminder who would take him to school as well as now. Or just use preschool until you need childcare

If your son is 3 now won't he be in school September or is he just 3

@jannier i think you have misunderstood why I am posting. I’m not soul searching about why he is behaving as he is. However, I haven’t really been thrilled about how the current nursery responded to it. Again, really not meant rudely but that’s why I posted in nurseries and not parenting.

His behaviour is almost certainly down in part to DD, but it will also be down to his age, his ear (I would say that’s the main driver in fact) and his personality.

No. He is three next month. Children born between September 2020 and august 2021 start reception 2025, so he could easily be three now and not be starting school until 2025.

Make a decision about your DD and her nursery because two drop offs and pick ups is hell! Get them in the same place, even if you're using her to drive the decision if where he ends up.

If they're in the same place then there's only one move for him in Jan and then you add in pre school from Sept.

@Hercisback yes, they will be in the same place although different pick ups and drop offs is inevitable when one’s at school!

I think the point has been lost a little bit, but DS ear burst this morning which does explain why his behaviour has been difficult this last week (it always is when his ear goes because he’s in pain.)

My reasoning is the school holidays will be a headfuck for him especially if he starts pre school, then mixes in nursery for a couple of weeks, then has 6 weeks of no pre school just nursery, then pre school re appears. That's a lot.

Two pick ups is inevitable, but the less time you have to do it for, the better.

You want to move him regardless, that's clear.

I used a childminder to pick up from pre school, she would drop off too.

My reception child has had 4 days nursery and 1 cm. Then nursery and pre school locally. Then played with days a lot to 1 day nursery near dad's work and 4 pre school with some days pick up with a new cm. Now he does breakfast club and asc. He's very happy.

Def do as much pre school as you can and book nursery b for both ready for work.

Possibly @Hercisback but I honestly think he’d be okay. I’ve only known him get upset that once and I’ve still no idea what instigated it.

You want to move him regardless, that's clear

I do think you’ve misunderstood. The point of the thread is wondering if I should. I am very, very undecided and swing both ways. I was a bit worried about what had caused the negative behaviour reports (the ear explains it) and I was not really impressed I had to ask for the meeting or the way the meeting went, to be honest. However, that doesn’t mean I’m going to do anything drastic. At the very least I’d need to look round the new nursery before I made a final decision.

I asked because you said he was 3 .....so actually when baby was born he was 30 months ish regression is really common at this age. As I've said before I'm an outstanding provider with more than 20 years experience as well as an assessor in childcare.
Could your nurseries response be more that his behaviour is not unusual and it's more about telling you what's happened. Have you had a meeting with them?

He was two years seven months (and two days!) when DD arrived. I have had a meeting with them, and this was instigated by me. If his behaviour is normal and they are just passing it on then that’s fine and good in fact, but I feel this should have been made clear.

I don't understand how you can treat things in isolation like this everything is interlinked and again it seems you think the nursery are the sole cause. Your child is very young most wouldn't be in a preschool environment and a nursery it's a lot to cope with.

I've reread your op....nursery changed at 19 months, preschool introduced along with new nursery, baby comes along lots of change ...
It's standard to observe for triggers could be a certain child, you, tiredness, hunger, activity or no pattern at all.
All children do it .....it's not a "certain side to your child" not a good idea to be labelling such a young child. It's unrelated to biting again a normal phase.

You was a typo meant toy

Reading the OP is helpful, yes. I included the information as I do think it is relevant. However, long before house moves, nursery moves, siblings coming, ds was being pushy and physical. He’s fabulous but I am not in denial that he can be physical with other children. No one is labelling him.

You are responding to a different thread. I am not asking ‘why is my child doing this.’ I am concerned that firstly he doesn’t seem hugely happy at nursery - although bear in mind when I started the thread his ear hadn’t popped, it since has which explains things a little. I am also concerned that when in a different setting he is a very different child which does suggest that he is possibly unhappy there.

No one sorry for bold but it is a little exasperating- no one is saying nursery are the cause. I have literally said above the cause is ears, pain, sibling, age. I do not blame nursery.

However, from my point of view, I am picking my child up and being told he has been unkind but without any sort of suggestions on how I should be dealing with this, no communication regarding how they are dealing with this and no suggestion of a plan going forwards. That was worrying to me.

If he loved nursery and asked to go that would be different but he doesn’t.

I honestly am feeling quite drained and tired tonight. DS has changed nursery ONCE in his almost three years. We moved house. He has had a baby sibling, yes. These are quite normal things to do.

Could you try and find a local childminder that does wrap around care from the pre school? You could then use them when your DS starts school for picks ups to. Your two would be together after school when you are back at work.

We have used nursery and a childminder. Hands down we had the better experience with the CM. It’s just hard to find a good one

You sound super snippy with people trying to give advice. Jannier has worked in childcare many years, as have I. You seem to already have the answers sonindint really know what your asking for?

Personally, I think it's just really common and expected. Nursery need to be communicating with you about his time there, as should you to them. I also think more time with you and baby would be very beneficial during this time of unsettle and I would also get your dd's childcare sorted soon, possible a childminder who could off wrap around for your DS.

I won’t be using a childminder - again (sorry) I think there is some misunderstanding going on here. I’ve no issue or problem with picking my ds up myself. There isn’t a logistical issue.

My issue is solely this. Ds currently attends a nursery that he has attended for fourteen months now, despite it being made out above that his life is filled with uncertainty and change - it really isn’t.

This nursery was purely for childcare, three days a week when I was at work. I kept him at nursery when on maternity leave myself partly to keep his place, partly to give myself a break and partly for continuity for him.

However, he doesn’t seem very happy there at the moment , and I was/am considering changing him to preschool from January, then a new nursery (for childcare) when I do go back to work.

His ear bursting does partly explain a lot of the negative behaviour reports, though, and I’m not going to do anything hasty.

@KateyCuckoo I do get snippy when people are unhelpful. It isn’t helpful to say ‘he is probably acting like that because of his sibling’ - I feel like saying ‘what do you want me to do about it?’ Pointing out the obvious and ignoring what I’ve actually asked is annoying. Sorry, but it is really frustrating and all it does is annoy me and makes me feel guilty and upset and I’m struggling with that as it is at the moment.

At the risk of again being accused of being snippy, why is DDs childcare needing to be sorted and why does she need a childminder? In eight months when I go back to work she will go to the same nursery as ds , whichever one that is.

I absolutely don’t have all the answers but what is annoying is people answering a totally different thread to the one I posted. I’m not seeking advice on the whys of DS’s behaviour. I’m simply wondering about his nursery place. My priority is that he’s happy and well cared for. I don’t feel he’s badly cared for - if I did I wouldn’t hesitate to move him - but equally it was very worrying to be getting bad reports without any sort of reassurance or any sort of plan of action.

For when you go back to work. Pre school full time 9 to 3 with cm for the baby who also picks up. So no nursery at all and less placements ie less disruption is what people meant.

No misunderstanding going on and you're very passive aggressive to keep saying that to posters.

People are chatting and giving you thoughts and advice. It's a forum, people do that.

Yes, I know @Boomboom22 . That’s why I will need a private day nursery, whether the one he is currently at or a different one

@KateyCuckoo I am completely losing track here. People are free to chat or course but when people reply with things about childminders and pick ups then it does get very confusing and I can only assume some misunderstandings are taking place. If saying that is passive aggressive then I’m guilty as charged as I genuinely have no idea what people are replying to - it doesn’t appear to be a thread about whether I should withdraw ds from current nursery though!

No, if the cm does wrap around you wouldn't and he'd be all day with the kids he'll go to school with. And not need a different nursery. Then on your days off he could stay to lunch or 3 or whatever. Or do a mix, like I said last year before Yr r mine had 4 days pre school 2 with cm pick up and 1 full day nursery near his dad's work.
I used to think I'd need a nursery as didn't realise any cm drove 5 miles to do pick up from my school and pre school as we are rural. It was really good. I only use after school club as its cheaper and on site.