Preschool illegally restraining child

[Happyhappyday]

My DC has had some behavior concerns in school - she is 4.5 (not UK so still in preschool) and at worst, she will throw a block at a teacher. Never aggressive toward children according to her teachers. She has thrown a block 5-6 times in the last 18 months. Her school has communicated very poorly with us (took over a week for the head of school to get back to me after I emailed her 2x and called) and despite us regularly asking to meet to put together a plan, we were unable to make any progress until this week when we were told she couldn't rejoin her afternoon program for the remainder of the year.

DD has been through a full behavioral evaluation at the school's request, with the school's input, by a behavioral psychologist who said her behavioral was developmentally completely normal and had no clinically relevant findings.

We found out from her and the school later confirmed, that she has been physically restrained on multiple occasions, at least one occurring not due to danger but because a staff member was frustrated by her behavior (she was apparently demanding a piece of string over and over again). Where we live, legally, children can only be restrained in cases of "imminent serious harm" and the restraint must be reported in writing to the parents within 24 hours AND to the government and a plan must be immediately created with input from the child's doctor to ensure restraint is not needed in future. The school has done none of this, and even after confirming yesterday that she was illegally restrained, we have not received any reporting. This is a large, well respected private school without 400 students from 2.5 - 13.

We are struggling with

1. do we pull her out? She is very settled, would definitely struggle with an adjustment and I believe the lapses happened due to lack of training, rather than staff deliberately harming her (and she has not been hurt at all). The fact someone restrained her in frustration though is HUGELY concerning to me.

1. Do we report the school? They will be investigated immediately, will be forced to show records that do not exist and would likely be fined and/or their early years programs shut down.

When I write this out, it feels obvious that we should pull her immediately and report to the state, it just feels like such a huge huge thing to do... that will likely impact a lot of other families at the school... but reporting laws exist for a reason...

Question is not about her behavior or whether it was reasonable for the school to restrain her, legally it was not and they did not follow the legal procedure once it had happened, or indeed after it was pointed out to them.

Sorry if I have read this wrong, what are the reasons she's been restrained and how have they restrained her?

If staff have actually restrained her, as in forcibly using hands and body to move her then they have assaulted your child. Report them ASAP and detail exactly what type of restraint was used, what are the staff qualified in to perform restraints and how do local authority monitor their training is upto date. Unless it is a minimal contact move for a duty of care then this is abuse.

This made me feel sick. This is abuse from preschool. Report and pull her out.

What is the restraint? Care of small children often involves moving or shepherding or guiding etc. You really need to be more specific.

It's not assault to restrain a child.

Laws will vary country to country and I only know the rules for the U.K. though.

What is what ascertained is what they mean by restraint. Is it holding her against her will whilst she struggles and screams or they've taken her hand and taken her away from the situation.

I'm also confused why you say she's settled there yet her behaviour is so bad they've called in specialists to assess her?

Do you have equivalent to SAR where you are to ask for all documentation relating to your dd?

What are you doing about her behaviour as parents? Sounds like the school have done as much as they can (and more than they should in terms of the restraint).

I'm also confused about how it is that you say she's settled but the school have called in a psychologist and excluded her from the afternoon programme.

I agree with others, you must explain what sort of restraint was used. I had horrific vision of the child being tied to a chair! I'm sure that didn't happen.

If a four year old throws 'blocks' at a teacher they have to learn that it is wrong. Even a lightweight plastic block or brick could cause an injury. She is old enough to know that she should never do things like that. A two year old wouldn't understand but she is over four. If she was my child I would talk to her very seriously about it and if it persisted, think of some reasonable, non violent, punishment. She has to learn to control impulses. I have to say I've never come across anything like that before. I'd want to know why she does it.

The staff have to stop her somehow; time out, stand in the corner or something. I remember my son at that age coming home from school and telling me the teacher (whom he adored), had told him to sit facing the wall. She said, "I don't want to see your face!". I clearly remember him telling me (he wasn't bothered). He had climbed onto a table and jumped off shouting, "Hooray", twice, causing disruption and things being scattered everywhere.

In what way was she restrained? If I were you I would pull her out because she clearly isn't settled there if she's throwing stuff at the teachers. Also because of the poor communication.

Whether or not you should report them depends entirely on what you mean by 'restrained' imo.

The confusion posters have shared is also confusion we share - the behavior they have deemed unmanageable IS literally she has thrown a block at a teacher 5-6 times over the last 18 months. That is how they are describing this to us. I am not denying/minimizing as a parent, I am going off what they have provided us. We pursued a behavioral assessment as they asked, despite two separate pediatricians confirming that her behavior was developmentally normal. The assessment was confirmed by the psychologist as developmentally normal. In the head of school's words yesterday, "her behavior is absolutely wonderful 99% of the time," this is not a child who screams/tantrums/hits/assaults other children constantly.

The restraint has been bear hugs to hold arms down and on one occasion she was held that way, picked up and moved. Where WE LIVE, these actions are considered restraint under law and require the reporting I described. They are considered unlawful unless needed to prevent "imminent serious harm." The school has confirmed the restraint happened due to block throwing or concern a block was going to be thrown and on one occasion because a teacher was frustrated by DD whining for a piece of string and then DD refused to go outside to a different area. The above are facts, not my opinion.

To questions about how settled she is - they have reported she is happy and calm 99% of the time, she has made friends (has been in this programme for 18 months), she reports being happy except in her words, in the afternoon program "I don't feel safe when I have been naughty." (She is very verbal). She told me in the bath last night she doesn't want to go anymore to the afternoon programme because "they hurt me too much there."

We are OBVIOUSLY addressing the block throwing and it does not happen at home or in any other setting.

Whether or not posters agree that the use of restraint is appropriate, legally it MUST be reported where we live and it was not, and at least one occasion the school confirmed it happened not due to safety concerns, which is banned by law.

I don't feel safe when I have been naughty so she is very aware of what she is doing. Throwing blocks could take someone's eye out and this has happened 5-6 times? whining for a piece of string and then DD refused to go outside to a different area so she is disrupting everyone and not doing what she is told, the setting have told you she is unmanageable and yet here we are with her still displaying the same behaviour. Are there consequences for her bahaviour at home because they are not working.

From everything what you have said, I would move her from the school. I would also be very careful about choosing a school that suits her, as you don’t want to have to move her again. Throwing objects at teachers, the behavioural assessment and the removal from afternoons suggest that she needs to be in a very different environment. Personally, I would be focusing on my daughter and wouldn’t be worrying about the rights and wrongs of reporting the school, but it is up to you.

Yr story doesn’t add up.

Hugged and removed from a situation which was aggravating her?

That it?

I agree.

The school have reported the restraints to you and professionals but yet apparently haven't reported them.

How do you know they aren't officially reported correctly?

Plus at 4yo she shouldn't be whining for string and then refusing to move on. That isn't "normal". Yes - some 4yo will behave inappropriately in the same way but that doesn't make it the norm for 4yo. Imagine a reception class if it was!

And if they believe that she may react to being told no and to move on by throwing a block they may have a legal right to restrain.

It would be really helpful for you to give the laws in your country.

The uk is reasonable, proportionate and necessary. When harming self or others - either staff or other children. Damage to property. And for maintenance and good order of the classroom (which maybe what they are predicting could happen) and to prevent a crime taking place (which is unlikely to apply to a 4yo!!!!!).

I have given the laws in my country several times and my question is really not whether my child's behavior is acceptable. I don't think it's ok to throw blocks at teachers. I would love to meet 4 yos who don't whine. It IS being addressed in multiple ways within school and out.

My question is whether I am overreacting if we pull our child out and report the school to the state because of their failure to follow state laws regarding protection of children.

The laws in my country state that restraint (a bear hug is being used as a form of restraint, it's not a comfort, this is how the school describes it) may ONLY be used in cases of imminent serious harm. If it is used, it must be reported in writing to the state and to the parents within 24 hours. If it is used more than once, a plan must be put together with the child's doctor to ensure restraint is not used in future. The bar for physically picking children up to correct behavior or as discipline is even higher and may only be done by lead teachers or programme directors. In at least one case, restraint was not used in case of any kind of danger and the staff member who restrained and picked up my daughter was a junior classroom assistant. This was a case of illegal restraint. This is not in question, it is a fact confirmed by the school.

That doesn't sound like the full law.

That's mostly about reporting.

And if it only says imminent harm that may have decided due to the risk of bricks being thrown by your dd again there was risk of imminent harm.

It would be really helpful for you to link their law and the guidance for us to be able to support you.

You know yourself if they broke the law significantly and then admitted it to outside agencies then right now they'd be under investigation because the outside agencies will have a duty of care to report it.

I think there's a grey area somewhere that we may be able to help you pick apart.

exactly, how is that restraint? and over the last 18 months, so including when she was only 2 or 3? I dont see how you think young children are going to be managed? Physical contact is normal and natural, and hugging and moving is what you do with babies. More chatGTP?

I think it’s very difficult for us in the uk to make any comments about your situation as clearly the law is very different where you are…have you no one you can ask in the country you live in???

Your posts suggest you’re increasingly sure you should report it. Once you’ve done that you’ll have to move her as I doubt the relationship will you have with them will improve and probably decline rapidly.

Do you have alternative provision in mind? I’d investigate that.

As an aside, 4 year olds can still find a full day too much…if she is young emotionally she may just be too overwhelmed for the hours she is doing and may be tantrumming due to tiredness. To be honest I think you need to really sit down with school again and try to get a clearer picture about how and why they are responding like this…you could lead with the issue about the bear hug being used to deal with frustration rather than safety. I’m not sure how your country defines a bear hug as restraint, it can be context specific and does the law apply to every child in every type of setting? It sounds more like the rules relating to special educational school/mental health settings as opposed to what we would consider happens in a nursery or pre-school here???

Oh here we go, I knew people would pile on to decry your child’s behaviour and minimise the preschool’s response.

Physically restraining a child’s arms is not “hugging”, is it?

Young children can do impulsive things in anger. Young children can refuse to take “no” for an answer and be really, really annoying. That’s all very normal as far as I’m concerned.

I think you should pull her out. I get the impression that your DD has a reputation as a bad child, and therefore the staff aren’t willing to make any allowances for her behaviour or discipline her in a non-aggressive way. Once the trust has gone, it’s gone.

Your child saying she doesn't want to go in the afternoons because 'they' hurt her too much is very worrying, op. Does she say how they hurt her? I'd have thought restraint would not go as far as to hurt a four year old.

Maybe she does need to go to another school but first find out exactly what has been going on - if you can. Also have a look online to see if there is anything negative about the school in the media or on social media, eg complaints from parents, investigations and the like.

I'm finding this puzzling too - not disagreeing, just not enough info?

How do you know she was restrained if they didn't report it to you?
How do you know they've haven't officially reported, and if they've said that, what reason did they give if challenged?
Is it possible that you see it as a restraint which requires reporting and they don't? The laws you refer to presumably include some kind of definition as to what is and is not ok .... how are you so certain that line has been crossed.

I'd find somewhere else for her if I were you. I can't see how this is going to go away or get better, other than perhaps a better teacher/staff in the next class.

I'd report if (i) you felt she was at risk (ie this more than you as a parent would ever do) and (ii) you are very sure of the facts, and can evidence it somehow.