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Nurseries

Find nursery advice from other Mumsnetters on our Nursery forum. For more guidance on early years development, sign up for Mumsnet Ages & Stages emails.

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Original poster

How to respond to DS not wanting to go to nursery

40 replies

Sofx · 08/03/2023 08:21

I'm finding it really difficult taking DS (almost 3) to nursery, he only had his second proper session yesterday but both times he has cried the entire car journey and walk over there. He says "I don't want to go there, I don't want you to leave me there, I don't want to go there mummy" and I find myself not knowing how to respond. I don't want to brush off his feelings but equally don't want to stop trying to get him settled in.

When we arrived yesterday all the other children were happy waiting to go inside but DS was crying and shouting "I don't want to go in there!" While cuddling into me. Both times the teacher has had to peel him off me kicking and screaming, reaching out for me as I do the happy goodbye kiss and cuddle. I tell him I'll be back to pick him up soon and that he will have lots of fun playing with toys/play dough/outside etc. all the while he's so upset and I'm holding back my tears.

He has had some changes in the last few months, I'm on mat leave with DD (4 months) and he has been quite a lot more needy lately.

I would really appreciate some advice on how to respond to him when he keeps repeating "mummy I don't want to go there". I've tried asking why but I don't get much out of him, he just repeats the same sentence. I talk to him about what fun things they did last time or what toys/activities he can do/play with today. I find myself ending up saying "well we have to go darling, it won't be for long and mummy will be back to pick you up very soon".
The sessions are only 3 hours long and staff said he calmed down within minutes and then had a really good time there. When I pick him up he says he'd like to go back again but as soon as he's home, it reverts back to him not wanting to go.

I'm feeling so much mum guilt 😢

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Margo34 · 08/03/2023 08:27

Is there anyone else who can drop him off for you?

Asdadhd · 08/03/2023 08:31

We had similar with our eldest. It was terrible. Nursery told us to bring him each day and for me to carry him in to the room-his key worker would show him each activity that was set up, talk about the toys, tell him what nice fruit there was for snack time and what was for lunch etc but she told us we had to let him have the choice - they wouldn’t peel/ drag him off and wouldn’t let us sneak off with no goodbye. So it was a case of ‘look at all the fun things-would you like to stay today?’ And if he cried and said no I would take him home . She told us to chat with him each day that happened about the nice things at nursery (not in a negative sense that he had missed out just in a positive way that they had nice things on offer) and we had to do that for 3.5 weeks before it clicked in his mind that he wanted to stay . She told us that once he felt in control and secure he would realise that he wanted to stay. She made sure we always said goodbye and that we would be back soon and she did a visual timetable for him and told us she would let him know we would be back soon and he settled really well

NorthernWanker · 08/03/2023 08:43

He just needs to get used to it, it takes time to get into a new routine.

What's your morning like before you drop him off. We find by lingering at home it can make it worse so we are literally waking him up, dressed and in the car. If he watches tv he tends to kick off as he just wants to stay at home and watch tv.

I would keep saying what you are doing. I sometimes way names of kids he might play with and toys he might play with.

TooManyPax · 08/03/2023 09:01

Ds2 did this, it was awful but how would it be different from him going to school and having the same reaction? I am a sahm so they were used to being home. But once inside both my children had a fantastic time, I managed to spy on Ds2 through the window getting his coat off, chatting to another child.

It is just new to your child, they will get used to it and the benefits are immense. You got to spend your maternity leave alone with your first child, you should get chance to spend some alone time with your second, plus it makes life easier for you. You know he likes it when he is there, I am the same now about parties and social gatherings, I don't want to go, like it when I am there, but happy to be home

Just be very matter of fact, maybe arrive as the queue is going in rather than waiting, straight in and you leave immediately, no hanging around. Just this is the new routine. If you can get the nursery staff to show you photos or video of him having fun. Ds1 would tell me he only ever played with sand at nursery despite there being photos of him participating in every activity they had in his progress book.

Jewelanemone · 08/03/2023 09:06

I work in a nursery and it's true, the minute the door closes and they can't see mum or dad any more, the tears stop. The staff will be experts in distraction 🙂 We always tell parents to call if they want an update, or the staff send them photos of their child having a lovely time. Consistency is key, and make your farewell and drop off swift. Don't be tempted to go back for 'just one more kiss' or it'll drag on. A kiss, a 'goodbye, have a lovely time, see you soon!' and leave.

Original poster

Sofx · 08/03/2023 11:05

Thanks everyone for your replies ☺️
In particular I don't know how to respond on the journey there when he is crying in his car seat saying "I don't want to go there".

I don't want to ignore him so what would you say in response?

OP posts:

Original poster

Sofx · 08/03/2023 11:05

@Margo34 there isn't but I'm not sure what this would achieve as it will primarily be me taking him anyway

OP posts:

Original poster

Sofx · 08/03/2023 11:07

@NorthernWanker he is a really early riser usually between 5-6:15am and we leave the house at 8:20 ready for an 8:45 drop off.
So typically it's not rushed, he has breakfast then we go upstairs to get ourselves ready. He does watch his tablet for a little bit while I get myself and DD ready.
The other session is PM.

OP posts:

fussyferalkids · 08/03/2023 11:09

I would try some distractions for the journey. Could you sing nursery rhymes or play something on the stereo for him to listen to? Or if he likes cars ask him to tell you all the colour cars he can see.

fussyferalkids · 08/03/2023 11:11

He might need a slower settling in schedule. Some kids are happy with fairly long sessions straight away, while others want the reassurance of short settles, mum will be back in half an hour that kind of thing.

How far away is the nursery? Could you walk there? Is there a park half way he could stop and play in?

Does he take a comfort object from home? Taking a special blanket or soft toy might help him feel more settled.

SeaToSki · 08/03/2023 11:12

I would start to distinguish between things in his life that ‘are a choice’ and things that ‘are not a choice’. So for example do you want weetabix or toast for breakfast, its a choice. Brushing your teeth before bed is not a choice. Then when he asks about nursery just say its not a choice, just like Mummy/Daddy going to work is not a choice etc. it will help put it all in context for him

givemushypeasachance · 08/03/2023 11:52

Small kids don't want to do a whole bunch of things! As a previous poster said - it's about what things he has a choice over, and what things he doesn't. He probably doesn't want to stop playing a particular game he's engrossed in to have dinner/go to bed, wants to stay in the park longer, doesn't want to have a bath, or doesn't want to come out of the bath! Transitions are difficult for toddlers. If he's happy when he's there, then it's just the transition is difficult for him rather than him being distressed and unhappy throughout the entire session.

Making him aware in advance that it's happening in a countdown way could be good - we're leaving for nursery in an hour, we're leaving in half an hour, ten minute until we're leaving, five more minutes until we go. Keeping it as a consistent routine - it is still very early days. And lots of reminders that he's a big grown up boy who gets to go to nursery and do lots of fun activities and games and play with cool big boy toys you don't have a home, isn't he lucky, wow he'll have so much fun doing XYZ today, and that then you'll pick him up for lunch.

Beamur · 08/03/2023 11:56

I explained to DD I had to go to work and so did Daddy, so as we couldn't look after her while we were working she would be at nursery until we got back.
Are you at home on maternity leave? If your DS knows that I can understand why he doesn't want to go.

GiltEdges · 08/03/2023 12:08

Bless him, he's had a lot of change in a short period if he's also got a 4mo sibling. Give him time to adjust and I'm sure he'll be fine. You don't necessarily need to ignore him when he says he doesn't want to go, just acknowledge then talk about something positive e.g. "I know you don't sweetheart, but you're going to have a lovely time playing and won't it be nice for us to <insert activity/toy/etc> when I come to pick you up later.

monsterradeliciosa · 08/03/2023 12:25

Sofx · 08/03/2023 11:05

Thanks everyone for your replies ☺️
In particular I don't know how to respond on the journey there when he is crying in his car seat saying "I don't want to go there".

I don't want to ignore him so what would you say in response?

I would ask 'why not?'

User837463839 · 08/03/2023 12:30

When my DC was struggling like this I acknowledged her upset by saying stuff like “oh dear, I’m sorry that’s making you feel sad” then telling her that I had boring jobs to do while she played at nursery, then reminding her what we’d do after nursery. I’d also say “I wonder if you’ll do any pictures today, or play on the field” etc.
If she asked why she had to go I would say because I needed to get some jobs done. You could say you’ll be doing that while baby had a sleep. Then you’ll come and pick him up. I also drew a star on my hand and one on hers. So she could touch it when she needed a virtual hug.
I know it’s horrible leaving them when they’re upset but if he’s happy at the end of the session and nursery say he cheers up very quickly when you leave, then I honestly feel you’re doing the right thing.

Margo34 · 08/03/2023 13:09

Sofx · 08/03/2023 11:05

@Margo34 there isn't but I'm not sure what this would achieve as it will primarily be me taking him anyway

If someone else drops him off (so it wouldn't be you, even primarily) it would be him leaving you for nursery rather than you leaving him at nursery - so it flips it. Often it can be enough to break the association with you leaving him, and also children can respond very differently with different care givers. It's the same when they reach Reception and can extend beyond into KS1...

If you don't want to try a different routine, then to respond to his "I don't want to go" acknowledge his feeling and distract, or take whatever same approach you would in your every day life if he says he doesn't want to do something - for consistency (e.g. "I don't want to eat vegetables" - "I hear you. Vegetables help us grow big and strong like Batman. Shall we play Batman after dinner?"). Take the same approach in the nursery situation, too.

A couple of other things to try: transitional objects - something he can bring home from nursery but has to take back next time so he knows he has to go back, 'hug buttons' - draw a heart on yours and his hands for if he's feeling sad he can touch the button and know he's giving you a hug and getting one back from you too.

Otherwise you'll just have to persevere and hope that he'll get used to it.

30swith3 · 08/03/2023 14:57

Lots of positive reinforcement, but don’t talk about it unless he brings it up. My middle is a thinker & sometimes bringing it up to talk about the positive things made him panic ahead of time. When he brings it up and dropping off, talk about all the positives things he’ll do there that are linked to his ‘likes’ or who he likes. Don’t linger at the door, quick ‘have a great day, love you, bye’ and leave him with nursery staff. They’ll appreciate you not lingering too. Hope he settles soon, sometimes it takes time but he eventually will!

YorkshireIndie · 08/03/2023 14:59

We talk a lot about the nice things DS is going to do and what a boring day at work or boring meeting/course. He will sometimes then say to the nursery workers mummy is having a boring day

namechange3394 · 08/03/2023 15:46

Is this the first time he's even been in childcare? The other kids are probably just more used to it. It's very common to be unsettled the first few weeks if not months.

shakeitoffsis · 08/03/2023 15:47

He's literally been twice give it time.

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 08/03/2023 16:30

Do you have anyone who could look after your 4mo for an hour, so you can pick him up on your own? It sounds as if he’s feeling a bit pushed out by a younger sibling, and needs his own “mummy time”.
You can also ask one of the teachers to send you a couple of pictures of him in nursery, to talk about “what were you doing there?” “Is that when you made ….?” Kind of thing, as a reminder of what was “fun”. But as others have said, it’s only his second session, amd he’s got a new sibling - that’s a lot to digest.

Rollonspring23 · 08/03/2023 16:36

It’s really hard isn’t it. I would empathise with him when he says he doesn’t want to go ‘I’m sorry you don’t want to go, it’s hard doing new things isn’t it, there are lots of fun things to do and Mummy always comes back’ I think it’s useful to give a time frame too so he knows you’ll be back after snack time or lunchtime. I found talking about what happens at nursery and reading books about nursery helpful, the invisible string book is great too. Can you get some photos of the staff and the room to pop in a little book too to make it more familiar.

Flossypantsmummy · 08/03/2023 17:23

I had the same problem with my two year old. It took us about 2 months for him to run in and not look back. A quick kiss and say see you later and walk away. The staff are qualified to deal with upset children and will easily distract them.

Original poster

Sofx · 08/03/2023 18:14

shakeitoffsis · 08/03/2023 15:47

He's literally been twice give it time.

Literally not helpful 🤦🏼‍♀️ think you missed the point of my OP, it was for help on how to respond to a particular sentence.

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