How to respond to DS not wanting to go to nursery

[Sofx]

I'm finding it really difficult taking DS (almost 3) to nursery, he only had his second proper session yesterday but both times he has cried the entire car journey and walk over there. He says "I don't want to go there, I don't want you to leave me there, I don't want to go there mummy" and I find myself not knowing how to respond. I don't want to brush off his feelings but equally don't want to stop trying to get him settled in.

When we arrived yesterday all the other children were happy waiting to go inside but DS was crying and shouting "I don't want to go in there!" While cuddling into me. Both times the teacher has had to peel him off me kicking and screaming, reaching out for me as I do the happy goodbye kiss and cuddle. I tell him I'll be back to pick him up soon and that he will have lots of fun playing with toys/play dough/outside etc. all the while he's so upset and I'm holding back my tears.

He has had some changes in the last few months, I'm on mat leave with DD (4 months) and he has been quite a lot more needy lately.

I would really appreciate some advice on how to respond to him when he keeps repeating "mummy I don't want to go there". I've tried asking why but I don't get much out of him, he just repeats the same sentence. I talk to him about what fun things they did last time or what toys/activities he can do/play with today. I find myself ending up saying "well we have to go darling, it won't be for long and mummy will be back to pick you up very soon".
The sessions are only 3 hours long and staff said he calmed down within minutes and then had a really good time there. When I pick him up he says he'd like to go back again but as soon as he's home, it reverts back to him not wanting to go.

I'm feeling so much mum guilt 😢

Thanks everyone, I will definitely take on board some of the advice. Acknowledging his feelings and assuring him it's ok to feel this way is something I will be doing from now on.
I know he's fine and it's all normal behaviour, but it absolutely doesn't make it any easier!❤️

I think a really important thing to do is to separate how he's feeling about it, and what happens. His feelings must always be acceptable, and it's your job to help him accept them and name them and understand how to look after himself. So e.g. "it sounds as though you might be scared - that's not surprising because you don't know nursery very well yet". It's not his job to decide what happens. So "[Daddy and] I have thought very carefully about what's best for you and for all of us - that's our job as adults - and we think this is the best thing. I'll be back at [time] and then you can tell me what the best thing today was and what the worst thing today was." Or whatever.

I feel for you. Settling in can take a while. We found getting her to pick a book in the morning to bring in and show her friends at circle time helped. We also moved our days around so dad could do drop off and I did pick up as I definitely found the emotional bit harder and wasn’t helping, but I appreciate that’s not workable for everyone. Good luck x

It’s really hard and I feel for you. DS is also 3 and has been going to nursery for 2 years, but still has phases of really difficult drop offs, with lots of crying and clinging. As others have said, validate his feelings and talk about why he is feeling the way he is…at the same time gently introduce the concept of choice vs not a choice. Lots of positive reinforcement about how great pre school is - talk about the friends he is making and all the cool stuff he gets to play with. If it’s possible, for us, DH has always had more success doing drop offs than I do. DS has always been more attached to me and finds being separated from me far more traumatic.

Aw it's so hard. My little girl went to nursery from 10m old and was always fine, but then we went into lockdown when she was about 20 months. She then went back when she was turning two and it was awful. She got so upset and I felt so guilty. I think it sounds like you are doing all the right things. It's a big change for him and he is probably wondering why he has to go and be away from you and the baby. Maybe try telling him he's such a big boy now that he's going to big boy nursery to do his very important work there (does his Daddy go to work? You could compare it to that). Otherwise I think you are saying all the right things and the staff need to focus on getting him settled. With us, her key worker spent a lot of time with her and worked on making her feel safe, they also created a box for her with things she enjoyed and were familiar - peppa pig characters etc. Maybe suggest that if they haven't? It will pass though and as it becomes more normal and familiar for him, he will settle.

Could you pass by a park or something on the way home that he knows you only pass by on the nursery run?

also instead of tablet could it be something else so maybe he gets a little bored and looks forward to going nursery?
maybe tablet after nursery?
could they find something at nursery he really really enjoys that he doesn’t have at home so he can look forward to that knowing it’s the only time he’ll get to do it?
just putting soem thoguhts out there, they might not be suitable and I know every kid is different and soemtimes you need to keep changing things…
hope he settles soon.
my LO hasn’t started yet (and will be starting just after one so won’t be speaking yet) but will hopefully settle or I’ll be back on this thread!
good luck :)

This is how every nursery should do it! Such a kind way of settling them in.

As some others have said definitely acknowledge how he feels, it’s scary! It’s okay to feel sad, it’s a normal feeling and okay to express that but tell them it’s somewhere he can have fun and make friends once he settles in.
I used to pick out certain activities or things I knew he’d like at the nursery when my little boy asked to go, so I’d say ‘well what about the bunnies would you like to go and see them’ or mention a person I knew he liked, he wasn’t overly convinced but I think being able to focus on something helped.
He definitely struggled and it was hard, I hated it tbh. But it will get easier.

How many days is he doing? Can be hard for children to settle on 1 or 2 days a week.

just talk positively whenever it comes up, he’ll get there and be running in before you know it 😊

Not sure if anyone is still following this threat at all but just an update - he has had a total of 9 sessions so far, one 3hr AM session and one 3hr PM session per week.

Before the Easter holidays we managed one drop off without tears, lip quivering but no actual tears! He may have been distracted because he really needed the toilet when he arrived so took himself straight to the cubicles pretty much, but non the less I took it as a great step forwards.

However since returning this week, it seems worse than it's ever been. He still says he doesn't want to go as soon as he realises where we're headed. I try my best to not mention it until we're literally in the car on the drive over. As soon as he knows, the tears start and last time I even had to carry him on the walk over while he was shouting 'I don't want to go into nursery!'

From next week the half sessions will turn into full days of 9-3, I'm hoping more time spent there will help the transition.

Oops meant to say thread, not thread! 😁

Really hard for them when mum has another child at home, they feel pushed out.
the crying and screaming is to tug at yr heart strings and it working, if they were like that for long periods of time the nursery would contact u.
Don’t tell yr child u will miss them or u have missed them as this will make matters worse.

Its really hard but it IS normal. And he is nearly three, so it is an age appropriate time, he has a more mature understand of time and space than a younger child would.

What you need to do is both acknowledge and validate his feelings, but also let him feel that YOU know he will be OK, that going to nursery is important for him to start to learn to do, that you do leave him, but you will be back to collect him at lunchtime, that you will be thinking of him a lot while you are apart and looking forward to hearing him tell you all about his day.

He will be upset - and that is a sign of his attachment to you, in a way the children who run off without a backward glance are more concerning!

But you just have to repeat, repeat and repeat, try not to get too distressed yourself (and remember that this is a good step for him, just because it is difficult initially does not mean it is not something he should do).

At my sons nursery they had a special routine to help children (and parents!) manage the moment of parting. You would hang up his stuff on his special peg (marked with tractor) and then go into nursery and find his special picture (tractor again) and stick the tractor picture next to his name on the whiteboard to show he was "Present". Then it would be a quick hug and "I will be back here again at lunchtime to collect you" and I would leave.

I think if you repeat and repeat with your son, just keep being calm and understanding but show confident that this is a good thing for him, he will be fine and do fun things, and that you will be thinking of him and looking forward to collecting him at lunchtime. Eventually he will settle, (hopefully!)

I wouldn't take his tears as a sign he is going backwards. He is just expressing his feelings, that he is sad to be away from you. That's fine and understandable.

It doesn't mean that he should not go to nursery though.

"You don't want to go to nursery. You want to stay with mummy. The problem is, I'm going to work now. Children aren't allowed in the office."

"I'd like you to just go in and have a look at what toys they have today. I wonder what they will have? If you still don't like it once you've had a look around, you can tell <keyworker> how you feel."

"I'm sorry you don't want to go to nursery today. I'd like you to just go in and look at what activities they have today. I will come and get you after nursery tea time and we will go home together."

I would acknowledge his feelings about it and then just say, but unfortunately you do have to go? Maybe he's picking up on the fact that it's not 100% essential that he's goes (like it would be if you were going to work) and that also makes you feel worse about it?