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Nurseries

Find nursery advice from other Mumsnetters on our Nursery forum. For more guidance on early years development, sign up for Mumsnet Ages & Stages emails.

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Original poster

Punished for not talking?

51 replies

JanJC · 14/09/2022 17:33

So DD has been attending a nursery setting for 11 months and has settled well.
There has been a lot of staff changes recently and over the summer DD has become a little shy around staff.

she has always been shy with the adults, but chatters on while she is pottering and they have observed her, knowing she is more than capable of talking. She will speak directly to most members of staff, however there is one new member of staff she refuses to speak to.
She has told me she does not like her.

Tonight I have collected DD and her key worker seemed rather abrupt with her.
Key worker informed me that DD had been on time out because she refused to speak to a staff member. First of all the key worker told me they had told DD she wouldn’t be able to eat her dinner, unless she spoke to staff. DD still refused so staff proceeded to put her in time out!
keeping in mind she is 2 years old, I am furious she has been punished for not speaking to someone!

I don’t think it sunk in as to what had happened.

what are peoples thoughts?

OP posts:

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MolliciousIntent · 14/09/2022 17:37

Don't send her back.

PestoPasghetti · 14/09/2022 17:40

Fucking Hell. I don't even know what to say. The nursery nurse had no right whatsoever to withhold her dinner, and putting her in time out for not speaking is insane. You should report to Ofsted, and of course don't send her back.

user1583920194858592910103848559201 · 14/09/2022 17:45

Do not put her back to that nursery.

SunshineClouds1 · 14/09/2022 17:46

They do time out at nursery?!
Not allowing dinner for not talking to someone wtf

Report, complain, don't send back.

Absolutely ridiculous

N4ish · 14/09/2022 17:49

Genuinely shocking! I don’t think you can send her back there. Food should never be withheld as a punishment.

parietal · 14/09/2022 17:52

my DD was shy at nursery and they tried to force her to say please & thank you for food. So she stopped speaking altogether at nursery for several weeks. I told the nursery they were being ridiculous and that they shouldn't enforce the please/thank you rule. They listened to me and things got better.

So do speak to the nursery staff (make sure the message gets to all of them) that they are NEVER to force your child to speak. If they take it on board, all will be OK.

I wouldn't pull the child out of nursery immediately if things are otherwise OK because your child may feel she is being punished (a new nursery will be hard on her too) and because childcare is such a hassle to organise. But do keep a close eye on things and be ready to find a different place if needed.

Quveas · 14/09/2022 17:57

Over my dear body would she ever set foot there, and I would be reporting this. Withholding for, or the threat of doing so, is child abuse.

uhtredsonofuhtred1 · 14/09/2022 17:57

😱 my youngest 2 children are selectively mute, even now at 7&5. At 2-4 years old their teachers/childcare workers would say to me that they never spoke. To measure their progress etc the teachers would have to sneak up on them and listen whilst they played with friends. If anyone ever did that to my child there'd be hell to pay! With my 2, it comes from shyness/anxiety around adults they don't feel comfortable with. Once they settle in somewhere after a few months they're fine. I was the same and I've been told their dad was too.

Quveas · 14/09/2022 17:57

Or dead body, even!

SunshineClouds1 · 14/09/2022 17:59

I wouldn't pull the child out of nursery immediately if things are otherwise OK

If they are happy enough to refuse a child food for not talking to one person because they didn't want to then I'm happy enough to pull them out.

No way in hell can they refuse a child food it's shocking

Greensleeves · 14/09/2022 17:59

This is atrocious practice. Truly shocking. I wouldn't send her back there, and I would definitely make a complaint to Ofsted.

kirkandpetal · 14/09/2022 18:07

That's horrific. I'd remove her immediately and find somewhere else (aware that is not always easy or possible at little/no notice - so good luck in that respect)

And then I would def report and shout loud about that. Imagine what same staff might do if a child they doesn't get to a loo/potty in time, drop paint etc. just awful.

Goldbar · 14/09/2022 18:31

Totally inappropriate punishments for a small child. Withholding food in particular is completely unacceptable. It's up to the new nursery worker to gain your DD's trust through interacting with her.

NessieMcNessface · 14/09/2022 18:45

I cannot believe what I have just read.
Two years old and punished for not talking? Other people have provided excellent advice, but you certainly would not be overreacting to either demand a meeting where you made your expectations clear, or to pull her out and report. I’m absolutely shocked,
especially threatening her with no lunch. Your poor daughter!

nottodaytomorrow · 14/09/2022 18:50

Both Time out and withholding of food are not allowed to be used in nursery. Are you in the uk? Make a complaint to OFSTED

gulliblestravels · 14/09/2022 18:52

How to crush a child and beget obedience and fear of authority that in the future may have really negative consequences. I wouldn't leave a defenceless baby in their care.

tickticksnooze · 14/09/2022 18:53

Are they trying to ensure she ends up with selective mutism? Because that would be a good way to go about it.

Do you have alternative options you could move her to?

Abracadabra12345 · 14/09/2022 19:00

I remember years ago there was undercover filming of nurseries and one child was denied a biscuit at snack time because he didn’t say “ta” ( the nursery worker held it out to him and he tried to take it). There was a big storm of protest and this was - quite rightly - seen as abuse.

If the key worker comes and tells you about this abuse without a shred of shame, wtf other things are going on in that nursery that you aren’t being told about?

It’s bullying, pure and simple, of a tiny, powerless child. I work in a preschool and this would never, ever happen. We are incredibly nurturing.

Definitely report to Ofsted

Abracadabra12345 · 14/09/2022 19:01

nottodaytomorrow · 14/09/2022 18:50

Both Time out and withholding of food are not allowed to be used in nursery. Are you in the uk? Make a complaint to OFSTED

This

autienotnaughty · 14/09/2022 19:07

Wow they are a real power trip aren't they. ? I would make a complaint and see how it is managed. But with behaviour management techniques like that I'm not sure i would trust them again. Good that they told you tho.

KnottyKnitting · 14/09/2022 19:08

Jeez! What on earth are their qualifications that they think this is an appropriate way to treat a two year old?

Complain to the nursery manager and look for another nursery! ( Preferably one where staff are not trained in the Victorian workhouse method!)

GrazingSheep · 14/09/2022 19:09

What country are you in?

JelloFishy · 14/09/2022 19:13

If you are in the UK then contact OFSTED like others have said. That it outrageous to withhold food from a 2 year old! I would be furious too!

JelloFishy · 14/09/2022 19:13

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Original poster

JanJC · 14/09/2022 19:17

Thank you all for your comments, it’s much appreciated!

I am in the UK.

I emailed the manager informing them that I will be in first thing tomorrow morning, and I want explanations.

OP posts:

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