Major Mum Guilt this morning :(

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I feel so awful this morning. My DS (10 months) has been unwell for a few days with a bad virus and it was at it's peak over the bank hols. He seemed to perk up last night apart from a stuffy nose etc so I got all his bags ready for nursery and got all my stuff ready for work.

This morning he woke up and sounded and looked awful and didn't have much of an appetite. He wasn't ill to the point of needing a Doctor but you could see in his eyes he was run down and very grumpy and clingy. However, we decided to go ahead and send him to nursery as I had already missed a day's work staying home with him last week and I only work 3 days and I'm behind on my work as it is. He looked so sorry for himself being dropped off and I feel awful for taking him, but I need to work.

Am I just being a bit sensitive here as I have this awful feeling of guilt eating away at me while I am sat at my desk trying to work. :( Should I have stayed home with him?

This morning he woke up and sounded and looked awful and didn't have much of an appetite. He wasn't ill to the point of needing a Doctor but you could see in his eyes he was run down and very grumpy and clingy.

This is pretty different to the way you are painting it now.

Aww your poor baby. I have taken so many days off work often unpaid when my baby's not been well. I couldn't send him in if he was unwell 😞
I'd call the nursery and ask how he is and perhaps go and collect him

So you thought you'd send him to nursery. To pass on all the germs, so all the other parents have to skip work to look after their poorly kids??

Pick him up if you can.

Hardly pedantic, it's what you said. You've only backtracked to "he's not that ill" when almost everyone said you should pick him up.

How am I painting it much different? I've already said that perhaps I used the term "awful" loosely - which some of you seem to be conveniently ignoring.

Yes, he drank his bottle but didn't have much of an appetite for his breakfast after and yes he seems bunged up and run down and is grumpy and clingy! I've called the Nursery and they said he seems fine just has a bit of a cold and is a bit moody and they are happy for him to stay.

I only started this thread as a first time Mum I get anxious about anything and everything. I did not come here to have to justify myself to be decent parent or to be scrutinised about every detail or "something I didn't mention". Didn't realise that Mumsnet was a Courtroom.

I must ask if the ones who are voicing their opinions loudest on here - are you a stay at home parent? Do you have grandparents/ family nearby who can help at the drop of a hat? If the answer is yes, then I don't want to hear your views

My husband and I work, our family live 200 miles away.

No one is saying that a child with a mild cold should stay home. And the struggle is real to juggle it all, we have a child with a sickness bug and today is my day off work as my husband did yesterday and can hear my work phone pinging.

Your OP did really read that he was too poorly to go to nursery but obviously you've changed what you've said and you've clearly made the right call.

My bad if it came across as if he was really poorly. He is poorly yes, but it's not a bug or anything sinister, just cold symptoms. I do tend to panic at the slightest things with him so perhaps painted the situation a bit worse than it was at the time of writing as I was worried

Honestly don't stress. Nursery will let you know if he is really not well. I was lucky with mine in that family lived nearby and could always step in for granny cuddles days and I had a really great well paid p/t job where I could swap or take days off if I needed to, but you don't have that and you have to work.
Just try and ignore those who are criticising you. It's just something you have to get used to and you will.

I’m not writing anything new, only adding a reply as I fit the bill in terms of types of reply you want, work full time, no local family help, first time mum, just me and DH for childcare. I trust the nursery to tell me if baby needs to go home, mine do “tell off” parents. They go by temperature and D&V too. It’s not the same as going to work when you’re run down, they get to sleep there. However based on what you said, I think on this occasion work guilt should have trumped mum guilt. It doesn’t matter if you’re behind on work, everyone is, and the business resilience should take into account absences which could be for any reason. I don’t think you’re being sensitive, you’re learning and realise you might not have made the best choice this morning and will use that in future to decide.

I go by how snotty or tired looking mine is, usually wakes up cherry, if crying, won’t take in. Have to go by your knowledge of baby and their personality. It’s common for parents to take frequent days off for sickness of their child, it’s part of employing parents. We manage it by taking it in turns.

@Aconitum @BakeOffRewatch thank you both. I wasn't looking for anyone to say "oh it's ok, you've done the right thing". I appreciate everyone's honesty on here this morning but I just didn't appreciate the tone of a few comments and the criticism, there was just no need.

I wouldn't have sent him in, he's still very young. When they're a bit older they're easier to distract and get involved in activities and they can perk up a bit once they get going. But not a 10 month old. Stuff work, if you need to go in your other half needs to deal with today off work.

I think you’ve had a lot of harsh criticism here OP! As he had his bottle I probably would have sent him in after some calpol for the teething and see how he went. My son started nursery at 10 months too and is very happy there, so I think “send him in and see how he is” is fine. I’ve said to nursery a few times if my kids are a “bit off” but not too bad I can come get him, they know him well and I trust them to judge if he needs collecting. Your son is safe and looked after, nursery would ring if they were worried. You need to work and save any leave for when he has to be at home. That’s what I think. 🤷‍♀️

Your son is safe and looked after, nursery would ring if they were worried. You need to work and save any leave for when he has to be at home. That’s what I think. 🤷‍♀️

Excellent points and agree completely! Sounds like he is out the other side of it and hopefully you will see a big improvement in him when you collect him this evening! It is not always possible to take a day's leave for every little illness so you made the right call. If he was better off at home, your nursery would've said so. They've seen every illness under the sun so if they are happy to take him then you made the right call! Hope you catch up on your work.

@Emelene @Confusion101 thank you both of you. I mean it's almost noon now and they have not called me so say he's taken a turn for the worse so will presume he is doing just fine

I only started this thread as a first time Mum I get anxious about anything and everything. I did not come here to have to justify myself to be decent parent or to be scrutinised about every detail or "something I didn't mention". Didn't realise that Mumsnet was a Courtroom. I must ask if the ones who are voicing their opinions loudest on here - are you a stay at home parent? Do you have grandparents/ family nearby who can help at the drop of a hat? If the answer is yes, then I don't want to hear your views

My husband and I both work. His parents live far away, mine are too ill to help out. So hoorah, I count as someone who is allowed to express their views. Woop.

You obviously started the thread expecting everyone to go "you're worrying too much, don't beat yourself up, you shouldn't feel guilty" and you don't like the fact that the vast majority of parents - most of whom work, many of whom don't have any alternative childcare - think that it was the wrong decision to take him to nursery.

When my first was that age she was more often ill than well. It was so tough as I was part time and new and was constantly off with her. Sometimes I took her knowing she was a bit off and said to nursery staff to ring my work if they thought she needed to be home just so work knew it was genuine. You can always ring them and see how he is.

Have you rung nursery to see how he is? Honestly, I have done the same... only when he's been ill a few days and is getting better though. In my experience being in nursery and around others perks them up. If nursery said he was still clingy and sad I'd go and collect. You at least get some work done while he naps this afternoon?

It is really, really hard when you can't decide if they're ill enough to need to stay at home and you have a busy job and no help. My partner and I have had so much time off or days working from home with a toddler during Covid, because although we do have one grandparent who can help if she's not working, she obviously didn't want to until she was vaccinated.

Mate. I’m of the ‘pull your socks up and crack on’ school of thought. But you initially said the poor baby looked and sounded awful, and was feeling sorry for himself when he was dropped at nursery. One of you should have stayed home with him, come on.

Not least to minimise giving it to all the other kids.

I'm a single Mum and the only option for childcare I had, was to go with a childminder as some nurseries will not take them with the slightest sign of illness. My childminder was fabulous. A mum of three herself. She took ds when he had chickenpox as all of hers already had it and she was a lot calmer about these things than I would have been. I understand the Mum guilt but also the need to work. You're guilty about your child and then feel guilty at work lol. It's difficult. I've only ever had one child. I suspect Mums get more relaxed the more babies they have! I called an ambulance once because ds slept for longer than usual. He was about your son's age. I had to wake him up from his nap so he stared up at me as I had never woken him up before lol. I concluded that this meant he was in fact dying. By the time the paramedics arrived, he was crawling around the place. I was so embarrassed.

Don't beat yourself up. He has nannies there. He's being looked after and they'll call if they need you.

Oh and the added bonus was that my childminder toilet trained him! I would have paid my entire salary for that. Lol.

I think it's a nicer environment too for them to be in a home with a family. Just my personal opinion and I pass no judgment whatsoever on nurseries. You have to do what works for your family.

It is hard to juggle both and the little ones get sick a lot when they start nursery. It does get easier just have to ride it out. But if your child was as sick as you say in your first post no, you shouldn't have send them in. If you took the time off last week then dad needs to do it this week.

I have 4 kids, work full time, as does husband. No family nearby. Kids are unwell a hell of a lot in their first 2 years of childcare so you will be missing a lot of work. It’s really hard but just the way it is.

@Simbaya my Childminder won’t have my kids if they’re even a bit unwell. My nursery will!