18 month old getting into trouble at nursery

[stillsleeptraining]

We have a very affectionate, sociable and physical 18 month old, who understands a huge amount of language but is just starting to say a few words. He’s been at nursery since he was 11 months old (apart from lockdown) and has always really enjoyed it.

3 weeks ago we had a call from nursery saying that he’d tried to bite a carer and had pushed another child. We were devastated and talked to a play therapist, got the dolls out to reenact it and explain, bought books - everything we could.

But now we’ve had 3 more phone calls, an email exchange and a really negative daily report (just for him - they were scrapped for everyone else because of Covid) that lists his misdemeanours every day.

The nursery has an Outstanding Ofsted, a stable, positive workforce of carers of diverse ages who are all qualified - but the parent interaction has always been minimal and pretty rubbish. And now it’s miserable to have these communications - we’re feeling pretty browbeaten as there’s not much we can do and of course the last thing you want for your child is to feel like his carers think he’s a pain in the arse or at least “trouble”.

Has anyone else had experience of this kind of situation? Is it normal to complain about a toddler this young?

Any advice appreciated!

I don't have a huge amount of experience and I'm sure somebody will be along soon to help but just wanted to say it seems unusual to me that a play therapist is involved. My sons nursery (admittedly not outstanding and I do have concerns about it) just brushes off biting as a phase most toddlers go through

It must be difficult at present but us it possible to request a meeting with key worker or nursery manager to let them know hiw you're feeling?

Play therapist involved because an 18 month old tried to bite?!

Plenty of children this age do it. It's not ok clearly but you helicopter them, remove from situations and model the correct behaviour.

How can an 18 month old be "trouble?" He's a baby, ffs. Misdemeanors? Is he on parole? I think your nursery is being ridiculous.

Gosh it seems like a large over reaction tk be honest. I would think they're still doing it because of the amount of attention it got them.
A firm 'we don't bite' at the time will do. It's a phase at that age

This seems bizarre! He’s 18 months old I really don’t think he needs a play therapist for biting, I would be looking for another nursery.

Wow this is extreme. My son is similar age and super affectionate and quiet but he does try to bite sometimes I definatey don't think he is naughty I think they all do this. I just keep reinforcing very very firmly this is not OK. Surely lots of toddlers this age go through this phase? Sounds like you're doing everything right

Crikey!!! Massive over reaction from the nursery; some children do bite and although that has to be dealt with at 18 months your son won’t have the cognitive ability to recognise action and consequences. The nursery should be working with you as parents with this; i would honestly look at moving him. I had a childcare setting for my son where they also did similar diaries and constantly I would be told he was “grumpy today” “he cried a lot today” “he was hard work today” It was exhausting and as a new parent I didn’t know this wasn’t how it happens everywhere.. (however also wondering how a play therapist was involved in this)

Unless there’s a lot not being disclosed here this sounds like a huge overreaction.

I have a 3 year old and he bites me thinks it's funny as part of play I just say a firm no that is all that's needed and nursery should just be nicely saying "no bubba we don't bite"

The nursery rang you after 1 biting incident. A little extreme isn't it. Biting at that stage is normal. As long as you are doing all you can to prevent and discourage that behaviour. Does your little one bite at home? I would speak to his key worker and ask for suggestions on what they thing you should be doing and also ask what they are doing or did when he did this.

We were devastated and talked to a play therapist, got the dolls out to reenact it and explain, bought books - everything we could

For a BABY who isn’t even 2?
For crying out loud....if it was you & dad who served this up...you are WAY WAY over-reacting! Seriously!
If it was nursery....find a new one, that’s ridiculous!!

It seems completely OTT!! When did children stop being allowed to be children?

This seems like a total over reaction from the nursery for an 18 month old. For comparison, my dd scratched another child at nursery at around the same age and our nursery said it was normal as her space had been invaded by this other child and that they would 'keep an eye on her'. I agree with posters above that you need to ask the nursery what is provoking this behaviour in the first place and how they are dealing with it. They sound very much like they are only focusing on the negatives which your little one will be picking up on.

I used to childmind. This is very weird on the part of the nursery.

Some 18 month olds go through a biting phase. Tbh anyone who's had a couple of children and taken them to toddlers groups knows that, you don't need childcare qualifications to know it's a common phase.

Any decent childcare setting would be informing you but simultaneously telling you what strategy they have in place and asking you to use the same strategy at home/ groups/ playdates. Communication should be judgement free, neutral and action based. Every "this happened" should be coupled with "this is how we're dealing with it" plus a request for any insight from you (is he sleeping/ teething? Does he do this at home? Has anything changed at home - toddlers react weirdly to change sometimes) but biting in 18 months olds is usually just a random phase. The response is a calm no in a firm voice with grumpy expression - no dramatic reaction which might be interesting - and if necessary removing him from proximity to other children for a short time (5 minutes) and 1:1 or unobtrusively watching him like a hawk and noting what happens before he bites and running interference so no other children get bitten until the phase passes.

If the child care setting are effectively "telling tales" or ranting or criticising your son rather than giving you information coupled immediately with an action plan and request for useful further information from you about your strategies/ observations/ related background then they're rubbish.

Christ we usually get one or two in reception each year that give the odd bite on the playground. Whichever of us is on duty usually does a firm ‘no, we don’t bite’ and has them sit on the bench for a little while. A brief note home in reading record or chat at home time, mention to bitten child’s parents that it happened but it’s been dealt with, but that’s it.

Your child is three years younger than this so a complete non issue, at least in my humble opinion!

Seems a total overreaction to me. My dc2 became a biter at that age. It was really stressful. He bit another child at nursery, his sister and my dh. Lasted about 3 months then he stopped. Nursery were excellent about it. No drama, they just kept a watch on him so it was much less likely he’d be able to do it and they told me it was totally normal and would pass. And it did. I felt truly awful when he bit the other child. My dd was bitten numerous times at nursery so I’ve experienced both sides, I felt more awful being the parent of the biter than the bitee!

Guessing there is probably lots more to this....

Thing is if a child gets loads of books and toys (that's how they'll see dolls) for biting there isn't really an incentive to stop.

Just say no, move away and give bitten child loads of attention.

It's been working for decades

Unless theres more to this then I think you've massively over reacted..... their 18 months old!!

Both my DS and DD have been through biting stages and have also been bitten off other children.... it's a phase most children go through isn't it?

As a SW who has worked using play therapy in the past I'm really not understanding why a play therapist became involved because there was a biting incident at nursery?
Is there more to the story in some way?
Biting and pushing while not ideal are pretty common occasional responses when dc are that age.
Do you and the nursery have agreed strategies for managing the behavior?
Do you witness any similar behavior at home?
Communication books are normal nursery things, play therapy not so much.

I’m confused...

How does your 18 month old behave with you at home and also at playgroups, playgrounds etc? Do you find him quite lively or not?

A nursery shouldn't be surprised at biting or pushing from time to time for children that age. They should be sharing some strategies and details of the closer supervision they should be providing until he is through this stage.

They are the ones with him all day so just listing his "misdeminors" to you really isn't helpful. Turn it back on them and ask them how they propose to help him through this phase and what their action plan is.

A good nursery should have a well established strategy and you should all be comfortable working together and communicating. To be honest it doesn't sound like a particularly good nursery, unless there is more to this than you've said.

Sounds like you have a nursery problem. Look for a new one an in the mean time ask about there behaviour policies,. (18 month bitting is annoying but very normal.)

Thank you all - very helpful and reassuring. Especially from the professionals.

Nothing held back for those asking. The play therapist is my friend who I often ask development advice as she’s generally very wise.

If the nursery staff ever said anything to me about dc behaviour at Nursery I would reply "and what is Nurses doing to tackle this when he is here? I would like to support by doing the same when he is at home"

Reinforces that when they are there then it is up to Nursery to police the behaviour. I'll take care of how they are at home.