Nuresey hell!! | Mumsnet

fonzerella · 2007-08-27T18:43:42+00:00

Please help!! Back at work next week after 11 months maternity so introducing dd to nursery. Has been on six separate days for an hour each time and cried (properly!) for whole hour. Staff advise not to increase time til she's happier, but will have to leave her all day next monday Don't know what to do.. ended up in tears myself on friday as she was so upset when i collected her. Any advice?

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tribpot · 27/08/2007 19:48

In honesty - this doesn't sound like a great nursery if they didn't/couldn't calm her down within an hour. I'm assuming you left and it was when you picked her up that they said she had been crying for the whole hour you were gone?

It is insanely difficult; I built things up with my ds, like when he first went to the CM she brought him home if he started pointing through the window and saying "mama", but he still has days (aged 2) where he sobs when he leaves, even though he stops immediately once he's gone. And I do believe that is true, incidentally! I'm sure the nursery wouldn't lie about your dd crying, don't they have any suggestions on how to make things better?

chocolatemummy · 27/08/2007 19:52

I think this is the worst time (around 11 months) look up on separation anxiety for sme tips on how to deal with it and to reassure you that its fairly normal

Original poster

fonzerella · 27/08/2007 19:53

Not really.. just keep saying she will settle. Thought of looking elsewhere but chose nursery ages ago cos it felt right and worry that i might move her and find same response. Thing is, she's not a crier and has been to lots of baby groups so is used to being around others.

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MadMazza · 27/08/2007 19:59

My DS, now 6, cried when I left him at day nursery from age seven months to about age 3 but the nursery told me he did settle once I had gone.... could you consider a child minder instead of a nursery? - it might suit your daughter better - just a suggestion of course, I know how hard it is to find suitable childcare from experience and I really sympathise with you....

Original poster

fonzerella · 27/08/2007 20:03

I know! Thought we were both prepared so the tears (on both sides ) have come as a bit of a shock. Might have to go down childminder route, but its such short notice to find and vet one before next week. Boss already been more than understanding... so don't want to take the mickey.

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Heated · 27/08/2007 20:11

Is it always you who does the drop off?

Olihan · 27/08/2007 20:12

Fonzerella, I childminded my friend's dd when she went back to work when her dd was 11mo. We met when we were pg and saw each other at least twice or 3 times a week after our babies were born at various activities or at each others houses so her dd knew me well and was familiar with my house and my ds.

The first settling in visit, she cried for the entire hour. The second visit she still cried for the entire hour. I did absolutely EVERYTHING I could think of to comfort her but she just cried and cried.

The third time I had her was my friend's first day back at work and her dd was due to be with me for 4 hours. She cried for the entire time she was with me, despite me carrying her round, cuddling her, trying to distract her, etc. She stopped for a while when we went for a walk but started again as soon as we got back to my house and she realised her mum wasn't there.

It was incredibly difficult for all of us and I know my friend contemplated stopping work altogether. However, her dd did settle with me once she got used to it, she still cried everytime her mum left but she calmed down straight away.

The point of this rambling is that all children are different and some are just more sensitive and react more strongly to changes in their lives. I don't think the nursery can be blamed for being unable to calm her down, or that you should worry about the quality of the care there. Your dd sounds as though she is just missing you and uncertain about her new surroundings so she is letting them know in no uncertain terms!

I'm sure on Monday she will cry, but she will calm down too, and the more she goes and becomes familiar with it, the more settled she will become.

kiskidee · 27/08/2007 20:15

i watched the staff at my dd's nursery carry a little boy constantly for 3 whole weeks till he felt happy enough to move around the room. He was about a yr old at the time. Granted he looked unhappy the whole time and i can only assume he cried loads when his parents left, but the dedication the put in him was excellent and surely reassured him till he was confident enough to let go.

I would also seek out alternative care as they already don't sound caring enough.

MadMazza · 27/08/2007 20:16

It is important to keep your boss happy but more important that you are confident your daughter is happy - in the current situation you wont be able to concentrate at work anyway if you are worried about her all day.

amidaiwish · 27/08/2007 20:20

has she eaten there?
quite often once they have had a meal there they relax a bit more. try and go this week at a time when she will have a snack, see if it helps.

Original poster

fonzerella · 27/08/2007 20:31

Olihan, thank you so much, that makes me feel much better. Getting dh to drop her off tomorrow to see if that helps, and going to look at couple more nurseries. Just feel like they should make a fuss of her as she is new and convince her she wants to be there! But if you say even this doesn't always work i might just have to persevere.

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Shoshable · 27/08/2007 20:39

Am a Cm and had a little girl who cried terribly when mum dropped off, went on for the first 6 weeks, was about to give up when Dad started to drop off, she settled straight away! And now she is 6, and still can pull a crying stunt for mum, did when she started school, on asking her why she was upset when I picked her up from school, she very happily told me, 'If I cry mum will take me home, Dad makes me stay at school' This is a very cleaver little girl who loves school, but knows exactly how to push her mums buttons. Mum always ended up in tears, Dad was much more the, 'now stop it, you know where you are and we will be back later kind'

Shoshable · 27/08/2007 20:39

Am a Cm and had a little girl who cried terribly when mum dropped off, went on for the first 6 weeks, was about to give up when Dad started to drop off, she settled straight away! And now she is 6, and still can pull a crying stunt for mum, did when she started school, on asking her why she was upset when I picked her up from school, she very happily told me, 'If I cry mum will take me home, Dad makes me stay at school' This is a very cleaver little girl who loves school, but knows exactly how to push her mums buttons. Mum always ended up in tears, Dad was much more the, 'now stop it, you know where you are and we will be back later kind'

pinkandsparkly · 27/08/2007 20:46

Over what time period have your dd's settling sessions happened? I used to run a baby room and found generally that babies seemed to settle much quicker if they had at least two short settling sessions a week, eg 1 hour tue, 1 hour thurs the first week, then maybe 2 hours the next. I found the babies who only came once a week took a lot longer to settle as they seemed to more or lessforget the nursery nurse the'd spent an hour getting to know the previous week.

Your nursery really should be doing more to reassure you fonzerella, they should have had lots of experience of settling fractious babies and be able to offer you some advice on how to proceed.

These are some things that might help your dd to settle better, you may already be doing them!

Does your dd always go to the same person when she arrives?
Young chilren always latch on to one person first at nursery, having this one person they feel secure with enables them to explore the rest of the room and get to know other staff.
Have you tried experimenting with the time of the visit?
Your nursery should have already explained a typical day and worked your visit time around their daily routine but this might not nescessarily be your dd's best time of day!
How do you leave her?
Do you say a cheery goodbye and leave straight away or do you sneak away when she's not looking? It's suprising how much a parent's body language can affect how a child reacts to being left somewhere.
Don't be afraid to tell the nursery exactly what your dd likes and dislikes, how you settle her, everything you can about her, no matter how trivial, it will give them a much better idea of her personality and this may help them to calm her quicker.

Hope she settles soon, she's a lucky little girl to have such a caring mum!

Original poster

fonzerella · 27/08/2007 20:51

Thanks pinkandsparkly Have done 5 consequtive days so far and i usually leave her on the floor and sneak out. Will ask dh to pass her to staff to take her tomorrow and say a smiley goodbye and see if that helps.

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amidaiwish · 27/08/2007 21:14

ooooh no, you mustn't sneak out! you must do a "bye bye dd, i'll be back in an hour" - that way she knows you're going and that you're coming back.

tbh i am surprised the nursery haven't briefed you on this. what has the settling in period consisted of? i have 2 DDs at nursery and the settling in process went something like this

1st visit - me and DD stay in the room for an hour, i sit and play with her and chat to the staff
2nd visit - me and DD stay in the room for an hour but i leave her to it as much as possible
3rd visit - me and DD arrive together, i stayed for 15 mins then went upstairs to the staffroom for a coffee and to fill out forms, was gone about 20-30 mins. then came back for her.
4th visit - dropped her off for 30 mins
5th visit - dropped her off for an hour including a snack time

when we then started i did short days for a couple of months so i picked them up at 4pm. i did find that helped and would recommend it if your work is flexible enough.

amidaiwish · 27/08/2007 21:15

oh, and all that was in the space of less than 2 weeks and each time her key carer was there and spent a lot of time with her - so agree with pinkandsparkly, that's very important to make her feel secure.

Original poster

fonzerella · 27/08/2007 21:19

Did two days where i stayed with her for an hour... and then 4 when left her with staff. Have asked for advice,. They say they don't want to tell me what to do. I'm new at this... need someone to!!

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Isababel · 27/08/2007 21:23

I also noticed that my child was much better when he was going 2 or 3 days than when he was just a few hours in the nursery.

I have noticed that DS plays on our anxieties, i.e. if we are happy and relaxed about something he is fine with it, if we are not, he neither. I had been taking DS to the nursery for a while without any problems, he was happy, ran into the nursery and started playing with other children straight away. While the days DH took him it involved a lot of crying, leg holding, etc etc. I don't think DS had a problem withhis nursery, but that the style of saying good bye DH has doesn't particularly suit him (instead of looking as the start of a day in the nursery you would say he is saying goodbye to a son moving to the Galapagos Islands with no real expectatives of him ever coming back! )

Heated · 27/08/2007 21:39

My ds was always better at being dropped off by dh than me. He started nursery at 9months which is when they start to get separation anxiety, whilst dd started earlier and loves nursery & her key worker.

Dh always handed him directly to his keyworker for a cuddle (or if it was her day off, someone else, they didn't get a choice lol) and gave him a postive smiley goodbye, 'see you after lunch, have a nice time playing with all these toys'.

Nurseries don't mind if you phone to see how they are doing, since sometimes all you have in your head is their crying face, when actually they've been smiling all day.

Heated · 27/08/2007 21:41

Meant to add that nursery said that it's often the children who attend only a few sessions or in an erratic pattern that take longer to settle.

Original poster

fonzerella · 27/08/2007 21:47

Thanks for all the advice ladies. My first time on talk, but definitely not the last!! Will try again tomorrow, new week, new start and take on board all the good advice. Will keep you informed of progress!

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pinkandsparkly · 27/08/2007 21:55

Hmmm, not sure about the 'not wanting to tell you what to do' bit, sounds like a bit of a cop out to me!(on the nursery's part, not yours)
I definately strongly recommend that you don't sneak off without dd seeing. This will only add to the whole insecurity -'where's mummy gone'- feeling. By letting her see you leave and repeating the same words eg - Mummy's going to the shops now but I'm coming back'- she will know exactly what to expect every time and although she will probably still cry for a while she will learn that you always come back and eventually she will be happy to be left.

It will get easier, promise!

SydneyB · 28/08/2007 12:49

Can I second what has already been said? Don't sneak off. Cheery goodbye and same words each time you go make them feel secure that you're coming back. Try not to look anxious as they look to you for signals. DD, 9 months, has been at nursery since she was nearly 7 months. We had a long (3 weeks)settling in period which I think did help the whole process. Hang in there!

Original poster

fonzerella · 28/08/2007 20:27

Tried again today! Called first to ask who key worker was, they hadn't decided yet! Returned to find dd sitting on floor crying whilst nn chattered away seemingly oblivious. Needless to say, went straight out and found another nursery... starting there tomorrow. Still expect tears, but will take on board the tips and advice. cheers x

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