Am I selfish for returning to work full time?

[starship1999]

I’m currently in the process of informing my work of my intention to return after maternity leave. My DD is 6 months old now. My maternity pay stops on 24th Jan (DD would be 9 months old) which will be the earliest date I can return, and my leave ends on 24th April (DD would be 1) which would be the latest date for me to return.

Originally I was planning on taking off the full year and returning to work part time but I have found myself wanting to return back in January and on full time hours - does this make me really selfish? :(

I don’t ‘need’ to return for financial reasons I just genuinely like (for the most part) my job and the company I work for. I was only there 3 months before I fell pregnant and had quite a difficult pregnancy so had a lot of time working from home etc.

I love my little one so much and love spending time with her but I do find it increasingly hard to keep her occupied in the daytime. We spend a lot of time at home especially now the weather has turned and she’s at the age where she still can’t play as such.

I feel so sad for her that she will be going to nursery as I’m sure she would rather be with her mummy but I’m hoping for reassurance that maybe they do actually enjoy nursery?

I have no childcare so nursery is my only option and I’ve found a nursery I’m really happy with.

Anyone with any experience of returning to work full time/starting their child in nursery full time at 9 months old I’d really appreciate your opinions as nothing is set in stone yet and I really don’t want to regret my decision.

Thank you 😊

I phrased it quite poorly, and I apologise for that. As queen says of course it's not a universal or inevitable thing, and also (and this is where I definitely should have thought more before I typed because I implied this isn't the case) there are lots of reasons that poverty impacts on child development that are nothing to do with poor parenting. But the policy isn't to encourage parents to work, it's to get the children in an environment that is proved to aid their development, so yes, it is designed to 'get them away from their parents for a while and into nursery'. This is how the government describes the policy:

Free early education for disadvantaged two year olds was first piloted in 2006. The
offer aims to improve disadvantaged children’s social and cognitive outcomes so that
by the age of five they are as ready as their more advantaged peers to start and fully
benefit from school. The programme aims to provide good quality early education
combined with support for parents, for example, to improve their confidence in
supporting their children’s learning and to deal with other challenges in their lives, such
as health problems and family difficulties.

I didn't return to work after my maternity leave ended. Whilst i am not the stay at home type either we decided it is what was best for our DD. I know that when DD starts school i would be able to get a job even though it probably won't be at the level my last job was, but for me that's all part of the sacrifices some parents have to make for their DC. I used to find staying at home a bit boring too, but since DD was just over a year i take her to playgroups 4 days a week and she loves them. Then when we get home we get back into our routine of naps etc and there is not much time for me to think about or feel boredom. During the evenings she plays and runs around the house and sings while i try and get things done. It quite fun esp.when they are walking and starting to talk. I wouldn't want to miss hearing the new words she has learnt ( and sometimes mispronounces) and her demands for cuddles ( "Cuddle me") for anything if i could help it. Having said that if i had to work to put food on the table or pay bills i would. I know i shall look back at these times with fond memories. But that's just me. Each to their own.

You're putting your wishes above those of your child, which is selfish

My children prefer our current living standard though over the one we would have with me as a SAHM. So by your definition, having a lower income because one chooses to stay home is also selfish?

I know i shall look back at these times with fond memories I still look back at DS first few years with fond memories, just because we work doesn't mean we don't have a life with him? People seem to assume it's one or the other, either memories with your children or none at all.

You're putting your wishes above those of your child
Which is not always a bad thing, In the 3 years since I returned to work FT after having Ds my salary has increased by over 8k a year, we can offer him experiences which he would not have had I not returned. We can offer him a completely different lifestyle to that of my staying at home.

My children prefer our current living standard though over the one we would have with me as a SAHM. So by your definition, having a lower income because one chooses to stay home is also selfish?

It’s not the same as the Op has stated they don’t need the income from her work...

I know i shall look back at these times with fond memories I still look back at DS first few years with fond memories, just because we work doesn't mean we don't have a life with him? People seem to assume it's one or the other, either memories with your children or none at all

Exactly this! In fact we've had some experiences that wouldn't have happened if I wasn't working....i travel occasionally for work and I've been able to take DH and DS with me...DS still talks about our trip to Malaysia earlier this year.

Full time working parents still parent their child, we still have fun and 'make memories'

Also, with parents that poor it's actually lucky those children were in childcare.

Bloody hell. I don't even know where to start with this.

Not selfish at all. I had a dabble into working 3 days when my eldest was a baby, moved up to 4 very quickly which I’ve done ever since (eldest is 13!) and I find it perfect. If I hadn’t been able to do 4 days I’d have gone full time rather than stick with 3!

I think a 4 day week should be standard for everyone (with or without children), 4 days working and 3 days off is a great work-life balance

Yes, I love it. No intention here of going back up to 5 days ever!

"People seem to assume it's one or the other, either memories with your children or none at all."

"People" possibly do assume that. But i certainly ain't one of them. I haven't said that anywhere in my post. I've just said that i shall look back at the times with my DD with fond memories. No one really needs to get their backs up. I am just responding to the OP with my own experience and i am sorry if i have thouched a nerve for some.

I returned to work full-time when my LO was 10 months old. I work in a high pressure 50 hour a week job, and stupidly thought i could cut down to 4 days. The company were more than happy to let me take parental leave one day a week, except there was no cover for my role, so I was still doing 50 hours over 4 days. I think it's even more stressful trying to do that, so I'd only recommend cutting down if it's actually feasible in your job.
In terms of nursery itself, my LO absolutely loves it, runs in every day to all her little friends, learns and plays so much. She's extremely active and seems to get bored of me quite easily so I'm delighted she's getting all this extra stimulation.
Where it gets tough, is doing all the drop-offs and pickups myself (husbands hours and location don't work around this), and having to take time off when she gets sick, which so far has happened a lot! I then get extremely stressed as no one is covering my role and I'll have a ton of work to come back to

I’ve never seen any proper evidence of the so called harm of full time nursery from a young age. Mine went full time from six months old (I chose to work - didn’t need to financially) and they came to no harm. Best to do what works for you and your family - children are all different.

When you first have children they talk about the challenges of parenting....the struggles of a baby waking in the night,
the toddler who won’t stay in their bed, the cost of childcare, injuries from sports...

Having to take off work to pick them up from school when they don’t feel well, helping them with homework, a messy house, the never ending laundry, the cost to buy school clothes, packing their lunches....

You watch their eyes light up on Christmas morning....and try to soak in the magic of those moments.

You coach them in sports, rushing to practices and ballgames...and tote them all over the country to let them play the game they love...no matter how exhausting or expensive it becomes.

Life is just so busy that you rarely even stop to think what the end of those days look like.

In fact, it’s not really even something you can wrap your mind around.

You go into it thinking that 18-20 years sounds like a long time....

Then suddenly hours turn into days...days into months...and months into years.

That little person that used to crawl up next to you in bed and cuddle up to watch cartoons...suddenly becomes this young adult who hugs you in the hallway as they come and go.

And the chaos and laughter that used to echo throughout your home....gets filled with silence and solitude.

You’ve learned how to parent a child who needs you to care for and protect them....but have no clue how the whole “letting go” thing is supposed to work.

So you hold on as tight as you can...wondering how time passed so quickly...feeling guilty that you missed something....

Because even though you had 20 years.....it just somehow doesn’t seem like it was enough.

You ask yourself so many questions...

Did you teach them the right lessons?
Did you read them enough books as a child?
Spend enough time playing with them?
How many school parties did you have to miss?
Do they really know how much you love them?
What could I have done better as a parent?

.....When it’s time for them to go, it all hits you like a ton of bricks.

And all you can do is pray....hope....and trust that God will protect them as they start to make their way into the world alone.

Parenting is by far the most amazing experience of your life....that at times leaves you exhilarated....while others leave you heartbroken.

But one thing is certain.....it’s never enough time...💕

So for all the parents with young children...who’s days are spent trying to figure out how to make it through the madness...
Exhausted day in and day out...

Soak. It. All. In.

Because one day....all those crazy days full of cartoons, snuggles, sleep overs, Christmas morning magic, ballgames, practices and late night dinners...

All come to an end.

And you’re left hoping that you did enough right, so that when they spread their wings....

They’ll fly.

I read this the other day and I can reassure you that it is all true.

Not sure what the long script has to do with returning to work? Your DC’s growing up applies to all parents - my DT’s are now at Uni having a great time - we’ve celebrated that we’ve brought them up to the stage where they can leave home and excel in the next steps of their lives.

at @Fandabydosey

With DC1, I went back to work at 8 months but my DH took another 2 months of pat leave, and then my sister looked after DC1 until nursery at 14 months old. I aaaaagonized about sending her to nursery at that point. But: she has totally flourished there! And now I feel so silly for having done everything in my power to keep her out of there for so long. She has lovely teachers, has made friends she asks after CONSTANTLY each evening and on weekends, and she’s a truly lovely, well-adjusted 2.5-year-old.

Now with DC2, the option for me to start back at work early came up when he was 7 months old. In what I consider an act of God, the daycare head also mentioned to me that week that a space had become available in the infant room. Done deal. My little guy is another big nursery fan now, and actually I think the transition has been easier for him than it was for DC1 because he is younger, e.g., he naps much better there than she ever did.

No regrets, no guilt. If you can find really quality childcare, I think there’s something very positive for the kids in being with other children and interacting with adults other than their parents sometimes. Now when I take a day off or on weekends, I do definitely notice my kids getting a bit irritable by early afternoon if we haven’t gone to the park and let them run around and socialize. I think it’s healthy.

@BiddyPop OMG YES, “ Creche were great as they were used to babies all day long and had loads of different toys to play with and other babies to entertain each other. And plenty of space to be able to do messy play like water, sand, paint etc without causing utter chaos (and could take the babies off to the toddler room for a little while to allow their room be restored to order, or do it while babies were napping”

My kids get SOOO many experiences at nursery that 1) it would never occur to me to do at home, and 2) even if it did occur to me, I wouldn’t be brave enough to tackle the mess! Building a papier mâché volcano and making lava with vinegar, baking soda, and looooads of red dye - cool, but no thanks! Planting and tending a vegetable garden - aspirational for sure, but I wouldn’t have the follow through. I am in awe of the ladies who run that nursery.

If your employer lets you work part time then don’t let them give you 5 days work to do in 3 or 4... I don’t think you are selfish for going back to work but you don’t need to do full time hours, you will miss out on so much.
Your weekends will be spent with housework unless you pay someone else to do it all whilst you’re at work.

No one really needs to get their backs up. I am just responding to the OP with my own experience and i am sorry if i have thouched a nerve for some.

I don't think you did touch a nerve, people just pointed out that they have plenty of lovely memories too? Lots of SAHM seem to assume that WOHM are secretly bitterly jealous of them - I promise you, I'm not!

Incidentally, this -

Soak. It. All. In.

• is my all time pet hate piece of advice. It's always given by people who say they should have done it, but they didn't because it's actually an impossible way to live. I didn't much enjoy the early months with DS and a big part of that was that I was putting so much pressure on myself to 'treasure every minute' as everyone tells you to. I've found parenting both easier and more enjoyable since I stopped thinking about it as a series of manufactured memories for the future and just lived in the moment, and gave myself permission to not particularly enjoy some of those moments!

No.

And what do you mean by
My husband is self employed so it’s likely to be me that needs the time off if she’s ill etc.
As in he can take any time off he wants, or you'll have to do the caring?

I work full time and still soak it all in.
Took DS to school, sports practice, drove him to games, found time to chat, for cuddles, cared for him when ill, including in the night. Was even at home for Christmas, imagine that.
WFT from 4 months, single mum since he was 5, for the last 9 years.

You've got a job you enjoy and good childcare set up? Go!

You may want to rejig your hours in the future. You might not. You'll work it out. Parenthood is a long haul - do the best you can now for all of you and review (as a couple) if needed.

These threads always make me feel a bit sad/grumpy- women work for a myriad of reasons and shouldn't be made to feel guilty for it. Same goes for SAHM's.

Enjoy your last few weeks on ML!

Thanks everyone! So interesting to see everyone’s different opinions...

The only reason I say it will be me taking time off when our LO is ill is because of my OH being self employed and in quite a well paid job he loses a lot of money if off for the day. He earns more than double what I do so just seems silly for him to lose that money when I can take a days holiday or try to work from home with maybe a family member coming over for half the day to help. Having said that, if it really were to become a problem at my work then we would need to look at it differently.

Listening to everyone’s comments has actually made me think about from another side. My mum actually was a stay at home parent with me and my sister. This wasn’t for any reason other than she just wanted to be at home with us and even when we left home she has only every worked a few hours a week as she just does it for a bit of money and there is no career there, she’s never been interested in that side of things. I don’t actually have the best relationship with my mum, despite her having being a stay at home parent and doing her absolute best. I have a much better relationship with my dad who worked full time. I can remember my Dad being the ‘fun’ one who was genuinely happy to see us for an hour before we went to bed and to take us out at the weekend. By the end of the day my mums patience had well and truly worn thin and although I will say she was a brilliant mum and tried her best and thought she was doing her best I also remember a lot of being told off as me and my sister used to argue a lot and I think that’s a lot to do with being together 24/7 and not having anything else to do.

My happy memories are mainly of holidays as that was something different and I guess my mum had less of the stresses of day to day life.

I’m not saying I would have been any happier in nursery had I have gone or that my relationship with my mother would be any different but it’s definitely made me think.