Am I selfish for returning to work full time?

[starship1999]

I’m currently in the process of informing my work of my intention to return after maternity leave. My DD is 6 months old now. My maternity pay stops on 24th Jan (DD would be 9 months old) which will be the earliest date I can return, and my leave ends on 24th April (DD would be 1) which would be the latest date for me to return.

Originally I was planning on taking off the full year and returning to work part time but I have found myself wanting to return back in January and on full time hours - does this make me really selfish? :(

I don’t ‘need’ to return for financial reasons I just genuinely like (for the most part) my job and the company I work for. I was only there 3 months before I fell pregnant and had quite a difficult pregnancy so had a lot of time working from home etc.

I love my little one so much and love spending time with her but I do find it increasingly hard to keep her occupied in the daytime. We spend a lot of time at home especially now the weather has turned and she’s at the age where she still can’t play as such.

I feel so sad for her that she will be going to nursery as I’m sure she would rather be with her mummy but I’m hoping for reassurance that maybe they do actually enjoy nursery?

I have no childcare so nursery is my only option and I’ve found a nursery I’m really happy with.

Anyone with any experience of returning to work full time/starting their child in nursery full time at 9 months old I’d really appreciate your opinions as nothing is set in stone yet and I really don’t want to regret my decision.

Thank you 😊

I know people have to work and pay bills I really do and for some there is no choice but when you have a choice why would you?

Because it's not as simplistic as you make out. My child was in nursery f/t from 10 months but I don't recognise the scenario you describe ...nor would many of my friends.

More people work flexible hours so can start late, finish earlier and work it as a couple so the days in childcare aren't as long as you describe.

But there are limits, they can't take them to experience riding on a train, or taking time to explore supermarket fruits, or go to the market, there is so much joy to be had from teaching children about life

We've done all this and more with our child despite working f/t.

I really don't understand how you can get bored
Because everyone is different .....

You can never ever get this time back

The same can be said for your career.

I don’t think going back at 9months vs 1yr will make that much difference to your child.

However, there are two benefits for you to taking the full year:

1. Babies IME get much more fun from 10 months onwards. So you’d be missing the best bit of maternity leave
2. You’d be going back in spring rather than mid winter - so would hopefully avoid the worst of the bugs and sick days.

Also 3) less chance of regretting it in the future

There's only one answer to this - yes, by definition you are being selfish. Your baby, given a choice, would choose you over a nursery. You're putting your wishes above those of your child, which is selfish.

only do you also call dads selfish for going back to work full time?

Someone posted a study on MN recently showing the long term affects of kids being in full term nursery. It showed that as adults/older children they suffered more anxiety. I've had friends who put their kids in full time nursery (one from 4 months). They told me their children loved nursery and were thriving but what I saw was over-tired grumpy kids. Because they got home so late they had dinner and baths late. Their parents understandably wanted to spend time with their children. They ended up going to bed a good 2 hours later than my children and were also woken up earlier. They found it hard to settle at night because they were over-tired and wired. When I saw these children at weekends they'd always be falling asleep over their lunch etc. Please don't think I'm anti-working mums. I'm not at all! I myself was brought up by a stay at home dad which in the 70s was very unusual. It doesn't have to be only mums working less. I think an ideal scenario is something like both parents work 4 day weeks, each take one day off so the child is in childcare 3 days a week. Of course that's not at all possible for many I know. I just think 50 hours a week for a baby or young toddler is too much. Yes nursery staff are great but many get fed up and bored and have a lot of kids to deal with. I remember at my son's settling in session at nursery (he was 1 year old and went part time) I watched a baby left alone to cry for ages. He was in such a state I had to go and pick him up myself. I expect to be thoroughly flamed for this...

Someone posted a study on MN recently showing the long term affects of kids being in full term nursery. It showed that as adults/older children they suffered more anxiety.

I’m sure you read the full thread that pointed out the many problems with that study and the uses it had been bent to by a conservative American think tank.

@starship1999 I’ll be back at work full time in March when DD is 6.5 months old. With my first I took 13 months off.... but we can’t afford it second time around. So mine isn’t choice really. I also went back part time first time around but also this time we can’t afford it. DD will be in nursery full time however on a Friday I will work a shorter day. I’m doing four longer days then a shorter Friday so she will only do half a day. I’ve also taken annual leave on a Friday till she is 9 months old.

The nursery is where my older DS went and I love the staff there, I know she will be happy and well looked after.

I do wish I could work less, but needs must and hopefully it won’t be forever

OP, I do full time hours in 4.5 days, husband does the same and the kids have both had a full day at home since they started nursery. It’s been a great balance for us.

I agree that 4 days can be really hard - you retain a FT workload almost inevitably but less pay. I know quite a few people who do a compressed week now.

You talked about your older kids so I’m sure you already know what I’m discovering - that when they hit school, flexibility are work becomes much more valuable and your kids need you more emotionally, rather than less, I’ve found. I’m really glad I invested in my career during DS1’s nursery years - I’m now in a senior role with much more flexibility.

I would push your partner to ensure he’s doing his share of the nuts and bolts of parenting for the sake of you and your career. It can play really badly at work when one parent (usually the mother) is doing all the emergencies and sick days because they have decided their partner’s work is more important.

As someone else said, decisions aren't irreversible. Make sure you select a nursery you are really happy with, make sure you and she go through a good settling in process and then go for it. If thing s aren't working, you change them. Same as you'd do for any other important aspect of your life.

Sally that study was flawed. I really wouldn't be making any decisions based on its findings!!

I'm an academic in an education faculty. I know the research and so do my colleagues. The vast majority of us work full time and have used childcare. Make of that what you will 🤷

Only, you sound pleasant!

I just missed out on the mat leave extension from 14 weeks to 18 weeks, so I added some annual leave but DD was in creche at just under 5 months old, and I was back to work FT at that stage. We had no family to be able to help out locally.

Creche were great as they were used to babies all day long and had loads of different toys to play with and other babies to entertain each other. And plenty of space to be able to do messy play like water, sand, paint etc without causing utter chaos (and could take the babies off to the toddler room for a little while to allow their room be restored to order, or do it while babies were napping.

DD is now 13 and suffers no ill effects from it all. I was also much happier back at work with adults for part of the day.

I meant to add that DD commuted with DH and I both directions until she got to primary school age - and it also meant we could easily get to her if she came down with something or needed one of us there during the day. DD learned a lot about hand signals on the bicycle on the back of DH's bike daily for about 4 of those years, once she was big enough. I could pull in and feed her (bf) if traffic was really bad on the way home in the car, and we sang a lot of songs together etc. When she got as far as Montessori age (2.5), I moved offices and her creche location changed, so I commuted by bus rather than car, and had time to devote to talking to her as we travelled.

@CosmoK I have had parents shocked because school doesn't give children breakfast as standard like nursery does, comments such as 'I can't cope with their behaviour, that's why you have them in the week and I have them at weekends' some parents drop off at 8am and collect at 6pm. Monday to Friday, parents asking for overnight care because parents find night feeds hard. There are rights to protect adults maximum working week this is set at 48 hrs per week yet children doing a 50 hour week have no such protection.

but I feel like both of us would just be so bored being at home
That’s completely false , babies do not get bored at home with their mums.
Children do benefit from nursery but only from the age of two.
So technically yes it’s selfish , nursery at 9 months is solely for your benefit, but it’s your choice.

fan that's poor parenting. That's a separate issue to the one being discussed here.

Don't tar all full time working parents with the same brush.

I don't know anyone who behaves like that.

Ugh, this thread has descended into the usual predictable and annoying debate.

OP, if and when you go back to work, you should not agree to take ALL the time off for childcare reasons. Your partner should not get a free pass just because he's self employed. If there is a day when you have important work commitments and he doesn't, he should be the one to take the time off.

i went back at 8 months and 10 months, both times full time.
i am a better mum for going to work, the kids like nursery, we still have loads of time together and they get a lot more stimulation than if they were just home with me, no matter how many groups we went to...

@Fandabydosey that's all really sad. I recognise none of it in my own behaviour as a working mother or any of the others I know so it's hardly standard or typical. Also, with parents that poor it's actually lucky those children were in childcare. That's why the government has the targeted childcare hours for 2 year olds from disadvantaged groups - because they're statistically more likely to be poorly parented and in that situation childcare is an unalloyed benefit. It's the children with parents who are uninterested in them and who spend 24/7 with them who you should feel most sorry for.

Fandabydosey I know no children who have been in FT childcare referring to nursery workers as their mummy or daddy because that's what they think they are?

Ds has been in childcare since 9 months, DH and I work standard 8-4/9-5 roles with 20min commutes. DS is dropped off at 8:20, picked up at 4:20. He's 3.5, he has friendships, loves seeing the nursery workers in the local shops. has relationships with adults and children who aren't just me and his dad. Surprises me daily with his knowledge, and has never confused nursery with home/the workers as his parents?

I've also never known a child call nursery workers mummy or daddy.

Also, with parents that poor it's actually lucky those children were in childcare. That's why the government has the targeted childcare hours for 2 year olds from disadvantaged groups - because they're statistically more likely to be poorly parented and in that situation childcare is an unalloyed benefit.

Have I read this correctly? Are you suggesting that poor people are more likely to be bad parents, and so their children are better off in childcare? Are you suggesting that the poor get free childcare from age to because it gets them away from their parents and into nursery for awhile where they will be properly looked after?

I thought That the free childcare from age 2 was to encourage parents to keep working, if they are in lower paid jobs.

I was a childminder for years and I've had a couple of kids (boys) who used to call me mum because my two boys call me mum. It happens and it's easy to solve and it honestly doesn't mean anything! Some of the kids didn't quite understand that my two children didn't have parents picking them up at the end of the day ...

As for 9 months, some children will start to display more signs of attachment at that age, but some will start earlier, some later, and age isn't the best indicator. However, if you are confident that you are making the right choice, you approach her settling in period confidently and positively, it will absolutely help.

My only word of advice would be to discuss with your partner and both your workplaces how it would work to pick up your DD if she gets ill. Babies tend to get quite ill with various colds/eye infections/stomach bugs during their first year in nursery as there they are exposed to more infectious diseases. It's not a sign that the nursery is 'bad', it's just the reality of life - plus the obvious chicken pox situation... Anyway, just be prepared that you/your partner might have to leave work quickly to pick her up if she is sick. I think new parents tend to underestimate how many days they will have to take for that eventuality. Good luck, I hope it all goes well..

Unfortunately RoseHippy, there is evidence of links between poverty and (for example) late development in some areas (speech is an example). Of course, there will be loads of parents who are on low income who are absolutely brilliant parents, but the evidence shows that there is a link between lower income and speech delay. The 'free' hours for 2 year olds, back when it started many years ago, did make a difference in some areas in the country, namely inner London (I was part of a study group as a childminder).

I have full and part time childminded toddlers who call me mummy - I gently correct them but I think it's lovely that they feel comfortable and cared for here. I don't think it means they are confused about who their real mummy is.