Am I selfish for returning to work full time?

[starship1999]

I’m currently in the process of informing my work of my intention to return after maternity leave. My DD is 6 months old now. My maternity pay stops on 24th Jan (DD would be 9 months old) which will be the earliest date I can return, and my leave ends on 24th April (DD would be 1) which would be the latest date for me to return.

Originally I was planning on taking off the full year and returning to work part time but I have found myself wanting to return back in January and on full time hours - does this make me really selfish? :(

I don’t ‘need’ to return for financial reasons I just genuinely like (for the most part) my job and the company I work for. I was only there 3 months before I fell pregnant and had quite a difficult pregnancy so had a lot of time working from home etc.

I love my little one so much and love spending time with her but I do find it increasingly hard to keep her occupied in the daytime. We spend a lot of time at home especially now the weather has turned and she’s at the age where she still can’t play as such.

I feel so sad for her that she will be going to nursery as I’m sure she would rather be with her mummy but I’m hoping for reassurance that maybe they do actually enjoy nursery?

I have no childcare so nursery is my only option and I’ve found a nursery I’m really happy with.

Anyone with any experience of returning to work full time/starting their child in nursery full time at 9 months old I’d really appreciate your opinions as nothing is set in stone yet and I really don’t want to regret my decision.

Thank you 😊

Part time would be nice although I’m not sure I would want to only do 3 days. I think 4 days would suit me perfectly but I just feel like this isn’t really an option unfortunately. I used to work part time with my two older children (17 and 14) and it really suited me at the time. I feel different this time around, probably because I enjoy my job and like the company I work for. Hence the feeling selfish as I feel like I am doing that for me despite the fact my baby would probably prefer me being around - having said that I’m not sure I would really be at my best being a stay at home parent.

I work full time, albeit 7-3 with a 20 minute commute and a partner who takes DC to nursery at 9 am. If I were in a typical 9-5 job, I wouldn't go back full time. My opinion is that 9 or 10 hours a day in childcare is too much at any age.

Small children aren't bored when they are with their parents, but I understand that you feel bored at home. If I were you, I'd try to negotiate going part time - what's the worst that can happen? I would do 30 hours a week which is the perfect balance imo.

In any case, you can always go back full time and look for other options if you find it's too much.

I went back to work part time when my maternity pay ran out, so DS was 8/9 months.
I hadn't particularly enjoyed maternity leave I was bored out of my mind and I was happier after returning to work. I also enjoyed my time with DS much more.
DS went to a nursery which I had a wobble about at first - in hindsight I would have probably felt more comfortable with a good childminder (but I had trouble finding one!) However is happy there and gets a lot out of it. The advantage of starting young is that we didn't have settling in issues. I do think that when they start nursery later it can be more challenging. (Although I'm sure it depends on the child too.)

I hear what you're saying about your job not being very compatible with part time working... however I would advise you to make a flexible working request for 4 days a week, the worst that can happen is they say no and then you can just go back full time. But if they agree to 4 days I think it would be easier to start like that, then go back up to full time if you want, rather than returning full time but finding it too much and trying to negotiate going down to 4 days.

I think a 4 day week should be standard for everyone (with or without children), 4 days working and 3 days off is a great work-life balance

wild yes he was in nursery full time. 5 days a week.... but I could be be flexible with drop off and pick up times some days.
I work full time but with some flexibility....
Flexibility doesn't mean part time.

Oh ....and when I worked from home he still went to nursery. It just meant a slightly later drop-off and earlier pick up.

Have you considered a childminder? We planned to send our son to nursery and had registered him but when it came to it I couldn’t imagine him going from my undivided attention 24/7 to being one of a crowd for the majority of his waking hours. I did go back full time (part time not really an option in my career either) but my husband has him one day a week and we have a nanny for the other 4 days, so he’s in his own home. We would have got a childminder if we could’ve.

I went back full time after having ds (now 2). He was 8 or 9 months I think. I did it because I wanted to. Financially we’d have been ok if I’d decided I wanted to stay home but I needed to get back to work. For my own mental health.

Happy mum happy baby and all that.

You’ve got to do what’s right for you. Why is it selfish to do something you want?

I have considered a childminder but I don’t really have any back up in terms of when they go on holiday or are ill. I would end up taking all my annual leave to cover their leave lol. My husband is self employed so it’s likely to be me that needs the time off if she’s ill etc.

Thanks for all the advice. I would love to do a 4 day week from a lifestyle point of view and this would always be my preference but as @LisaSimpsonsbff mentioned - if I am there 4 days a week I definitely will not be taken seriously and there are so many project meetings etc that if I’m not working a day a week then if something is on that day I just won’t be included - everyone is so busy that cannot schedule around someone who is part time. There are two people in the department of around 100 who do part time (one does 3 days and one does 4 days). They have both said that their workload was never adjusted and they just end up frantically trying to manage a 5 day week into 3/4). I may ask the question with my manager about if it’s even a possibility and then maybe go from there.

Thank you everyone :)

How about a lovely childminder who doesn't have many other children to look after? I work part time, & my ds loves going to her. He's 10 months.

The difference between a childminder and a nursery very much depends on the child and your circumstances. My DS loved nursery because it was busy and full of other children. I don't think he would have liked a childminder as much.
He still got lots of 1:1 time and was very much cared for .....but the nursery was overstaffed and had a very low staff turnover. Plus nurseries don't close for holidays or sickness which is incredibly valuable if you don't have family support.

I've used both childminders and nurseries and have had a nursery close once (for snow) and childminders twice (for funerals) - I don't know how the cms did it but they were never sick. Holidays more of an issue (not for us as term time only).
I've posted this before - please don't start from a standpoint of you doing all the sickness days. You are basically telling your dh and also your own employers that your job isn't as important as his.

It's not an irreversible decision. If you go back full time and it's not working for you or for your daughter, you could request flexible hours at a later date.

Nurseries don’t close for staff sickness but if your child is sick you won’t be able to send them (and that will happen WAY more than a childminder or nanny being ill - little kids catch everything). You’re likely to need to take more annual leave covering your child’s illnesses if they’re in nursery than you would otherwise. Childminders’ policies vary but they are more flexible than nurseries.

**Happy mum happy baby and all that.

You’ve got to do what’s right for you. Why is it selfish to do something you want?**

^Then why have kids if you can even handle keep them occupied during the day?

Like Harriet we were all set to use a nursery and then at the last minute changed to a childminder because it just felt better. She then gave notice (for her own personal reasons) and we then switched to using a mix of childminder and nursery, which I was very reluctant to do but it's working very well. Definitely agree that we've found the childminder more flexible about mild illness and he started getting ill a lot when he started nursery which he didn't when only at the childminder.

I don't think it's really viable to have one person take all the time off for sickness if that person also works full time. DH and I split it and if I was taking double the time for DS that I am I don't think my (generally very understanding) boss would be at all happy.

I also think 'don't ask don't get' on working part-time/flexi-time. I asked to work 0.8 when I started my current job and they said no (which I thought they would) but they counter-offered adjustments to my hours so that I finish early two days a week. I think if I'd asked for that in the first place they'd have said no, but asking for more made it seem like a reasonable compromise...

Can’t handle

@LisaSimpsonsbff

Quite a temper you got there

@misspiggy I’m echoing @Lisasimpsonsbff here.

it’s not about not being able to keep them occupied.

My decision to go back to work was for mental health reasons. When on leave with ds I took him to baby groups. He was happy enough I was bored out of my mind and sick of being judged by people for going back to work.

By going back to work I earn money which boosts the family finances which means we can afford treats etc and not just have dh slogging away to cover the mortgage and bills. It means I’m interacting with people in a “non baby” way and I’ve worked hard to get to a position in my career so why should I give it up? Especially if it’s not what’s best for my child.

Ds loves nursery. He goes 3 days a week. The other two he was with my parents. Again massive benefits for everyone. Concentrated time with them for him and them. Financial benefits for us. Mental health benefits for me.

Ds benefits so much from nursery. Socially developmentally. He does far more there than I could do with him every day.

misspiggy

Do you ask dads who work full time that question?

@CosmoK I wondered that too. Why is it that mothers are judged for going back after say 6 months yet fathers go back after a couple of weeks or so (unclear of the legalities surrounding U.K. mat/pat leave I’m Channel Islands and our laws aren’t slightly different) and no one comments.

Exactly @ememem84
When we had DS both me and DH worked at the same place. I lost count of the amount of people who commented on my working pattern and said 'how awful' it was that I 'had' to return full time. I used to respond by asking if they'd asked DH the same question....that tended to make them think.

And it wasn't awful and I didn't have to.....i love my job and i chose to return f/t.

I’ll get flamed for this but I believe that if there is no financial need to return full time then working part time when your daughter is tiny would be a better option. Full time nursery (eg 50 hours per week with lots of other children) is an awful lot for a 9mo.

When you have children in your care for 50 hours a week and they are calling you mummy because they identify with you as their mum it makes me want to cry.

50 hours unpaid work for a child! Because play to children is as mentally and physically demanding as working. If you break it down a child of 1 year requires 12 to 14 hours sleep per day. Which is typically broken down to 2 hours during the day leaving between 10 and 12 hours per day. For ease of Maths let's say it's 12 hours sleep. So nursery day is 8am until 6pm say you have a half hour commute. So you need to be left by 7.30 so not much room for quality time with your child in the morning. Then you collect at 6pm with a half an hour commute 6.30pm home. Plus cooking tea bath story etc, that leaves about half an hour of quality time at home before bedtime so far you have spent very little quality time with your child maybe, 5 or 6 hours per week maybe, then approximately 12 hours at the weekend (excluding the sleep they need) so you have spent 30 hours with your child in a week. Where as a nursery setting has spent 50 hours with your child. This is the reality some children face. It makes me want to cry. Nurseries are great and staff usually are very caring and passionate about the environment and children in their care. But there are limits, they can't take them to experience riding on a train, or taking time to explore supermarket fruits, or go to the market, there is so much joy to be had from teaching children about life. I really don't understand how you can get bored. You can never ever get this time back. I know people have to work and pay bills I really do and for some there is no choice but when you have a choice why would you?

Only you know how well your family will manage with you out of the house 5 days per week.
Personally I would find it difficult to have enough time to ensure each child had enough input.
Do your older children not need a bit of time with you too? What happens if they are struggling with college etc?
You seem to have the idea that weekends will be small child focused, but have you considered when you will get quality time with your partner?
Will you and your partner manage to get all the shopping, cooking, cleaning, washing needed done during the week?
Or will weekends end up being a housework fest?

Also who is going to challenge your company to become more family friendly if you don’t?

I don't view this in terms of being ’selfish’ but wonder whether you have thought it through beyond your immediate, current relationship with just your youngest child.