Did anyone else feel ridiculously anxious about their baby starting nursery?

[MeadowHay]

DD is 8 months old and it's her first full day today. Her settling-in sessions went ok, she did cry for a bit the second time once she'd been left for about half an hour but I think that was down to tiredness, she cries a lot at home anyway. She didn't notice me leave when I dropped her off this morning and seemed ok if a bit wary of the early years teacher who I have her to. I cried when I was leaving (not in view of her obviously), I felt like such a wally, the reception staff and the early years teacher were both really nice to me about it. I called the nursery around 12.30 to check up on her as they said I could call whenever I wanted, they said she was doing fine, had eaten breakfast fine but didn't seem interested in her bottle that she normally has around 12 but that babies often don't drink their milk when they first start nursery. And she had a 30 min nap late morning, which is normal for her, she doesn't sleep much.

I know she is in good hands and I should be enjoying the peace, I'm going to get my hair done in a bit, and probably collect her a bit early, but I have this horrible feeling of dread and anxiety about it still. I do have GAD. Is this normal or is it just cos I have GAD I feel so bad about it? I just keep imagining her being left to cry a lot as she does cry A LOT and can get really hysterical very quickly and obviously there's one nursery nurse to 3 kids so it's not like they can spend all their time walking her around or whatever I need to do at home sometimes. When will I feel better about it and when will she settle in and start drinking her milk again, or will she just lose interest in entirely?

I never had an nerves or anxiety about my baby starting nursery, but i think it helped her first full day i was back at work ft so had other things to occupy my mind.

With my first I worried at first, not a general feeling of dread though but more that he had left the bubble of being at home all day and was now with people who knew him less. He ended up having a wonderful relationship with his keyworker and making some lovely friends. In time it does feel like a community if you eventually start socialising with other nursery parents too.

With my second I was completely fine, but he stayed older and also went to the same nursery as my oldest so they were still together throughout the day.

RE the crying and routine. Mine both have a completely different routine at nursery and home, but no trouble adapting. So maybe she never will take the bottle at nursery, but that might be fine. Also, with more other kids around they will begin to entertain each other too (knowingly or otherwise!) so the carers should never need to leave her crying. Perfectly possible to have one or even two babies in for a cuddle and still be playing trains or whatever with the third.

Keep calling and asking questions about her day if you need reassurance. The staff should be absolutely used to this.

Apparently she did really well considering it was her first day! She did eventually drink her milk - they actually offered her it at 11 which is a lot earlier than I normally do (I did tell them this before but she's not on a strict schedule like), they reoffered around 1 by which time she was starving and drank the whole 7oz in one go lol. Then she had 4oz at 4ish which is less than usual but then she had the previous bottle a bit later than normal so. And she did apparently eat all her pureed breakfast and lunch and afternoon snack. When I went to collect her she was happily playing peekaboo with a nursery nurse, then when she saw me she looked at me and burst into tears!! Is that normal? I felt sad that she cried when she saw me but I thought maybe it's because she just realised I hadn't been there after all or what? Anyways I feel waaaay better about it now!

See how you go, if those feelings continue then maybe it's not the right setting for her just now and maybe a childminder might be better suited to your daughter's needs. She might settle perfectly well in the next few weeks and you will start to feel more comfortable but if not then there's plenty of options x

This all sounds totally normal and, yes, they always cry when you turn up the first few times it’s just their emotions. My daughter did it then as she got older this progressed to telling me she didn’t want to come home when I got there - that was embarrassing!

My biggest tip is to make sure you say goodbye every day and don’t sneak off. It may mean more tears initially but if you just disappear they get freaked out that you could just disappear at all times and get mega clingy and anxious. They need to learn you go and then you come back.

Sounds like you both did really well!

I cried so much when DS started nursery. They ushered me out of the door and gave a quick hug on the way out. He was fine, of course. He cried a lot when I left to begin with but now 6 months on he barely looks at me when I hand him over.

They develop their own routines and habits at nursery, so don't worry about whether she'll be ok without her milk etc, she'll be absolutely fine.

And yes, the crying when you came back was probably just because she remembered you'd gone!

Im a nursery nurse working in a baby room.

We would never ever leave a baby to cry and we absolutely do carry them up and down if needed.

The routine might change, or she may go back to her usual routine but starting nursery a lot of babies "protest" and refuse to do what they do at home for mummy and daddy!
And the crying upon seeing you is perfectly normal. A lot of babies do this because they've just realised you've actually been gone. It kind of clicks "hey, thats my mummy, where have you been?"
And don't worry about phoning. We are always happy to take phone calls from parents and reassure them. It can also help if the child is upset as speaking to parents they might be able to give us ideas on how to settle them, after all you know your child best!

Thanks it's great to hear from a nursery nurse in particular. What do you think about saying bye and leaving? I didn't because I know she gets upset if she seems me go whereas if I disappear she doesn't notice and I didn't want to upset her unnecessararily. Like in the mornings DH always sneaks out the door otherwise she cries if she sees him leave if he says bye.

Honestly it depends on the child. Some need to say goodbye, others are more content if parents sneak off.
I get what the pp is saying about making them think you'll just disappear willy nilly, but in my experience they learn that mum or dad only disappear when they're safe with the other parent/family/at nursery and it doesn't have any lasting effects.

There’s been loads of research done on this, have a google. It’s extremely unfair to just disappear on a child.

Never just sneak out because you think your child is playing happily and is distracted and you don't want to upset them. To the child, to suddenly look up and mummy is no longer there, feels like abandonment

winding
I am Not denying the research, I'm just saying that in my personal experience, some children are absolutely fine.

That's a massively harsh way of putting it to a very worried mum..OP your baby is comforted and reassured by you and has a strong attachment which will make her resilient enough to cope with this transition to nursery. It's probably so painful to you because of your loving bond of attachment..whatever age you first seperate from your child it can be really painful...it's an instinctual thing wanting to protect them not silly. it sounds like she did amazingly, and you too! Well done 😁

Sorry it was a quote from a study but I forgot to put that bit!

With the leaving thing we found playing peekaboo at home but from one room to another helped the separation aspect, but yes it's a good sign of her strong bond with you that she was upset. I agree with the goodbye thing though, my son used to be the same when hid dad goes to work (the frying only lasted a minute of two though) but we watch him go out of the window and wave bye saying daddy's going to work and now he points to the window and waves rather than cries. When I leave him I also say bye, mummy is going to work or mummies got to go now and he's shooing me out half the time!!

Can you give a reference to that please? I will do some research. My mum used to be a nursery nurse a long time ago and said what Royal did really but that was a long time ago so obviously there may be new research/new practices now. I have 2 friends who used to be nursery nurses not too long ago who I will ask as well. I'm just a bit confused about how that research would work in pre-verbal children. How can you know of an 8 month old feels abandoned when they can't talk, and can they even understand the concept of 'abandoned' given she can't understand the concept of leaving/coming back yet? Genuinely confused about how you'd go about doing research on this and how would be able to draw conclusions for the future about it :S

Sorry if I’ve confused you. I wasn’t suggesting they’ll be scarred for life more that they settle more quickly and easily if they learn that you leave and then you come back as opposed about panicking when you disappear. So it’s less asking them whether they have existential angst about abandonment issues and more about how easy they find it to settle when parents leave them - this can be done either in the natural (eg nursery) settings or in lab environments.

Don’t worry though she’ll be fine and I didn’t mean to make you anxious

Hi OP, i got teary leaving her for her settling in sessions and when she started, she cried when we left as she could see us go, i called nursery 10 mins later and she was fine, happily engaging with other babies. She's 2.5 now and LOVES nursery, even wants to go when she can't such as been poorly. She looks forward to seeing her key workers everyday and has her 2 best friends to play with

We're using a childminder not a nursery but I feel exactly like this. It's surprised me how upsetting I'm finding it because I've been back at work for a couple of months while DH has been on shared parental leave, so unlike a lot of mothers this isn't my first time away from him. But it's a big thing to leave your baby with strangers, no matter how nice and trustworthy they seem. It sounds like you're both doing really well, though!

I have a 2.5 year old and a 13 month old - both at nursery three days. It does get easier I promise but my 2.5yr old still says she doesn't want to go most mornings even though she loves it and has friends there now and everything so I do think you have to develop a thick skin about it all. My one year old has been going for two months now and I always wave goodbye or high five her and give her a kiss to make it clear I'm going. She always cries when she sees me at pick up and I think that is totally normal. I think they suddenly remember they miss you. Haha.

It's very difficult leaving your kids for the first time as it's the first time for most of us that someone is caring for them that's not family or that doesn't love them if that makes sense but honestly it's been amazing for my 2.5 year old - she's so confident and has a really good time when she is there even if she puts up a bit of a fight some mornings.

Yes until now the only people who have looked after her have been myself, DH, and DM. I had only ever been apart from her for about 3 or 4 hours max before too! DH picked her up today as I couldn't as was at a work-related thing in a different city so not back in time, he said she was sitting on the nursery nurse's knee and looked like she'd been crying, and had her dummy clipped to her lol so I guess she had been upset but she wasn't crying when he got there so obviously the nursery nurse's cuddles were comforting her. And she cried when she saw him too and the nursery nurse said it was normal and it's just cos she realises you've been away. He did say though that they told him she'd had cottage pie, and he didn't think anything of it but then got home and was like "wait a minute..." because she is vegetarian! So unless they've made vegetarian cottage pie which seems unlikely, they may have given her meat?! I will have to talk to them about it tomorrow morning when I drop her off which I'm dreading as hate conflict and given she's only been there a few days I don't want to already build a reputation as being someone who harasses or complains about everything all the time but if that's true I'm really upset as it's something we both care about a lot and it worries me that if they've got that wrong even though it's in her records then what else will they do wrong? I'm hoping it's all just a mistake and it was some veggie food... They have a website where they update what they've eaten etc but nobody has submitted it for today so I can't check on there either.

meadow it could just be a slip of the tongue. When you're telling numerous parents what the children have eaten, its easy just to say the same thing for all of them!
But... double check just to be sure.

We have a vegetarian baby. Today the children had chicken, new potatoes, green beans and gravy.
The vegetarian child had quorn, new potatoes, green beans and vegetable gravy.
Then for tea they all had vegetable soup with wholemeal bread for dipping.

Id definitely double check. Ive been known to put the meat option on the vegetarian childs diary by accident and his dad has phoned up to clarify. I was mortified, but i went back on and corrected it and reassured dad that i would never give him meat or fish!

I checked, and it was made with Quorn mince, phew! I felt bad too as I didn't want to come accross as that parent who is already complaining after 2 days so now I feel mortified for doubting them, I hope they understand . She cried at drop-off today for the first time . Do you think it's because she's just starting to understand that she gets left there? It was horrible leaving hearing her screaming even from outside as I was putting the pram in the pram store . But I know it's normal for them to cry on drop-off and doesn't mean she will be crying all day or anything, I still feel guilty though. This is her last day til Monday now, it has actually gone quite quick tbh!

Thanks for all your replies especially our resident nursery nurse, you've really been helping my nerves .

Im sure they understand.

I have a child whose parents phone twice a day and he has been here for 3 months!
I don't mind a bit. Im always happy to reassure parents.

Another child cries at drop off then stops as soon as her dad passes the window!

Im sure they just like to guilt trip their parents!

Hello,
Has anyone tried the maida vale co-op childare ?My son is starting nursery next september. He will be 20 months. I would like to know your opinions about this nursery?
Thank you very much

We went backwards today maybe - DH picked her up and she was crying when he got there, and they said she had been 'quite emotional' today and cried a lot today . But she does cry a lot at home tbh so not sure if it's related to being at nursery really anyway?!