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Am I being unreasonable??

51 replies

Katefleet · 01/06/2017 09:52

My daughter who has just turned one, had severe reflux when she was a newborn. She had to be NG tube fed until she was 6 months old, is on a very hydrolysed formula, has questionable diary intolerance and is still heavily medicated for her reflux on omeprazole.
She is still under gastro consultant care and will be for a while.
Aside from all that, she is doing well, growing and now that she is moving onto solids does not appear to have a bad allergy to dairy. We have never however given her full on cows milk.
At her last hospital appointment last week with her consultant, we discussed weaning her off her formula. She still takes a lot - she is behind on weaning due to her slow start. Her consultant said that we absolutely shouldn't go straight from her formula to milk in one go. Although she hasn't shown an intolerance so far, 'neat' milk regardless of a dairy allergy, would be too much for her delicate stomach to handle. A grown up with bad reflux struggles with milk!
So we discussed mixing her formula with increasing amounts of milk over a few weeks. See how she goes. Gently, gently. No probs -easy, makes sense absolutely fine!!

Take her to nursery. Inform them. They say - no. We don't do that. Our nursery manager is of the opinion that you shouldn't mix formula and milk. No explanation as to why, just that she doesn't. Unfortunately it was my husband who did the drop off. He said look, you know what we are doing at home, what we want you to do. I'll leave it to you. ( he is trouble by he way....)

I get a phone in the afternoon. Jemima has been sick. I said, what has she had. They had given her neat milk - not much, but not mixed in her formula.

I was LIVID. I go and pick her up and really go for it. I said I don't care what the manager thinks. We have told you what we want doing, based on consultant advice and you went against that based on non medical opinion. How do you know you haven't made her ill?

We left it and I took her home. She went back in today and they have given us a paper to sign to say we are happy to have formula mixed - insinuating we are in the wrong and doing something off piste.

Needless to say I haven't signed it. I feel very strongly that they have behaved appallingly. As a parent if I ask you to treat my child in a way that is not harmful or dangerous - you do it. Even if you wouldn't do it yourself and don't agree. You do it. It is my right as her parent. Regardless of the fact it is backed up by medical advice, it is my choice. I could be making the decision to mix formula and milk based on advice from a fairy who came to see me in a dream, and as her parent my decision is correct and should be followed.

I have said I want documented reasoning behind their opinion before I do anything further. But I can't calm down. I'm so cross.

Does anyone have any advice or thoughts? I'd really appreciate it.

Thanks in advance xx

OP posts:
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Ginslinger · 01/06/2017 09:55

Obviously they were wrong but they've now agreed to do it providing you sign a form for this - I would just sign the form.

JustMumNowNotMe · 01/06/2017 09:59

Formula preparation guidlines are clear about not mixing formula or addibg extra water etc. The nursery have to follow these guidelines, they just do. If you want them to go against guidelines you will need to sign the form. Its as simple as that.

Bubblysqueak · 01/06/2017 10:02

Unfortunately the nursery will have to make up formula as stated on the packaging unless a former has been signed to state otherwise. It stops them getting sued if something goes wrong.

Katefleet · 01/06/2017 10:04

But she has been on concentrated formula mix since she started going to nursery. Based on her medical history and dietician advice she has never had the correct formula to water ratio anyway. It was changed becasue she couldn't tolerate lots of liquid but needed the same calorific and vitamin value. They never questioned that and we never had to sign a form.

OP posts:
Katefleet · 01/06/2017 10:05

So to be clear - she has never ever had her formula made up to packaged instructions.

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JamAndBread · 01/06/2017 10:07

Why are you so against signing the form? It seems a bit like cutting off your nose to spite your face or am I missing something?

Lostinaseaofbubbles · 01/06/2017 10:08

Sign the form.

For some stupid reason their policy is milk or formula. Not mixed. You want something that isn't met by their policy and they want a disclaimer.

Sign it.

I sign disclaimers for giving my son with skin allergies piriton (of course he needs the piriton on medical advice but they can't administer it without written permission).

I've signed for eye drops, antibiotics, all sorts.

One of the staff got into trouble with management for letting my twins share a bottle (I'd told them it happens all the time at home and that I was perfectly fine with it) but it was against protocol and I was told it wasn't allowed. I didn't sign a form for that because apart from being an unnecessary waste it wasn't really doing any harm.

Lostinaseaofbubbles · 01/06/2017 10:09

Based on your last message. Do they make the formula up and do the scooping? I've always supplied bottles of premeasured water and pots of powder so mine would have no way of knowing if it was being made in the correct ratio...

Strictly1 · 01/06/2017 10:10

Well you have two choices: sign it or find alternative childcare.
I understand you being cross but they have to follow guidelines and if you don't want them to, they need proof should anything go wrong. It's a sad world we live in but they need to cover themselves.
I hope your daughter is feeling better soon.

Katefleet · 01/06/2017 10:10

A) because they explicitly went against my wishes and made my child sick.
B) because I think the presence of the form indicates a wider issue. My problem is the fact that they aren't doing what I ask as her parent. The form says 'I am expressly going against advice of the nursery not to mix formula and milk'. My point is, what standing donthey have to make it sound like I am going against something they believe is wrong?

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museumum · 01/06/2017 10:11

Sign the form. You are requesting something "off piste" as you put it and against standard practice so it's reasonable for the nursery to want a paper trail around that.
Your dh was wrong to leave the first time with such vague instruction.

Katefleet · 01/06/2017 10:12

They measure out both!

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Katefleet · 01/06/2017 10:13

Ok - so the opinion is sign the form. Fine.
But we are happy that in the interim they went completely blase and gave her neat milk!???

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Strictly1 · 01/06/2017 10:13

They needed your wishes in writing to cover themselves. It's how society works today because no one takes responsibility anymore or accepts that accidents happen.

Katefleet · 01/06/2017 10:14

How is the main issue here me questioning signing a form - not that they gave her neat milk as their solution???

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unapaloma · 01/06/2017 10:15

Its done now, but I think you should write down very clearly what you want them to do, and the fact that this is the direction of your specialist doctor for her medical issues, and asks for a signed copy. And anytime in the future, do the same.
Random staff in a roomful of children are not necessarily going to know or understand the reasons for nursery management ways of doing things, and when or whether exceptions should happen, you needed to discuss it formally with the manager.
To assume they would do what you wanted, even though they didn't ever agree to it, was optimistic, to say the least.
Did you really set up the original arrangement for her formula being mixed differently from the instructions without anything in writing? I'm surprised the nursery would do that.

Chickpearocker · 01/06/2017 10:15

Honestly it's nothing personal, nurseries are money making businesses they are literally covering themselves from every angle. They won't care if you are feeding your child cow dung it will just come down to covering their asses. They sound stupid and incompetent btw.

museumum · 01/06/2017 10:15

Your husband said he'd leave the decision to them! Or said something that could easily be interpreted that way.

Strictly1 · 01/06/2017 10:15

Your husband sounds as if he left the decision to them in the end. He should have been clear and put it in writing there and then with the manager. The key worker has to follow guidelines.

PotteringAlong · 01/06/2017 10:17

Your DH said he'd leave it up to them. That wasn't a specific instruction not to do it.

Just sign the form. Why the stand off?

fleur34 · 01/06/2017 10:17

our nursery makes us sign forms for all sorts (nappy rash cream, calpol, teething gel) - they are just covering their backs legally so they have a written document saying the parent has consented to X or Y being given to the child.

As others have said - just sign the form or find somewhere else to send your child (but be prepared that elsewhere may also make you sign a form!)

Katefleet · 01/06/2017 10:17

Yes honestly - never signed anything. That's why I'm so surprised everything is suddenly so difficult. If it had happened before I wouldn't have been so blindsided

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Katefleet · 01/06/2017 10:18

Let me just clarify. I'm annoyed about the form - becasue it comes after my daughter being sent home sick after being given milk. The form on its own obviously wouldn't have been an issue. It's come after they ballsed up.

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Lostinaseaofbubbles · 01/06/2017 10:19

If you don't like the wording of their form. Write your own written letter.

Dear nursery.

On the medical advice of doctors name for treatment of condition name childs name cannot drink pure cows milk.

Her milk MUST be prepared as follows instructions

I understand that this is against the usual nursery protocol but is being done under medical supervision. Ignoring this medical advice will make childs name very poorly.

Kind regards
child's mother

And/or edit the form till it makes you less unhappy. So after where it says "I am expressly going against the advice of the nursery" write "because I am following the advice of the medical consultant as following the advice of the nursery would make child sick"

There's always a way around these things.

Katefleet · 01/06/2017 10:19

And yes I sign forms after every application of teething gel etc - I'm not anti forms. I'm angry as I feel like the form has come after an issue.

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