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Am I being unreasonable??

51 replies

Katefleet · 01/06/2017 09:52

My daughter who has just turned one, had severe reflux when she was a newborn. She had to be NG tube fed until she was 6 months old, is on a very hydrolysed formula, has questionable diary intolerance and is still heavily medicated for her reflux on omeprazole.
She is still under gastro consultant care and will be for a while.
Aside from all that, she is doing well, growing and now that she is moving onto solids does not appear to have a bad allergy to dairy. We have never however given her full on cows milk.
At her last hospital appointment last week with her consultant, we discussed weaning her off her formula. She still takes a lot - she is behind on weaning due to her slow start. Her consultant said that we absolutely shouldn't go straight from her formula to milk in one go. Although she hasn't shown an intolerance so far, 'neat' milk regardless of a dairy allergy, would be too much for her delicate stomach to handle. A grown up with bad reflux struggles with milk!
So we discussed mixing her formula with increasing amounts of milk over a few weeks. See how she goes. Gently, gently. No probs -easy, makes sense absolutely fine!!

Take her to nursery. Inform them. They say - no. We don't do that. Our nursery manager is of the opinion that you shouldn't mix formula and milk. No explanation as to why, just that she doesn't. Unfortunately it was my husband who did the drop off. He said look, you know what we are doing at home, what we want you to do. I'll leave it to you. ( he is trouble by he way....)

I get a phone in the afternoon. Jemima has been sick. I said, what has she had. They had given her neat milk - not much, but not mixed in her formula.

I was LIVID. I go and pick her up and really go for it. I said I don't care what the manager thinks. We have told you what we want doing, based on consultant advice and you went against that based on non medical opinion. How do you know you haven't made her ill?

We left it and I took her home. She went back in today and they have given us a paper to sign to say we are happy to have formula mixed - insinuating we are in the wrong and doing something off piste.

Needless to say I haven't signed it. I feel very strongly that they have behaved appallingly. As a parent if I ask you to treat my child in a way that is not harmful or dangerous - you do it. Even if you wouldn't do it yourself and don't agree. You do it. It is my right as her parent. Regardless of the fact it is backed up by medical advice, it is my choice. I could be making the decision to mix formula and milk based on advice from a fairy who came to see me in a dream, and as her parent my decision is correct and should be followed.

I have said I want documented reasoning behind their opinion before I do anything further. But I can't calm down. I'm so cross.

Does anyone have any advice or thoughts? I'd really appreciate it.

Thanks in advance xx

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Katefleet · 01/06/2017 10:20

Bubbles I think that's a good idea.

OP posts:
unapaloma · 01/06/2017 10:23

Personally I think they should have checked the original mixing of formula differently with the doctor direct, and NOT done whatever you want, because it would normally be a very bad idea! I completely understand that all this is the right thing for your child and you want only the best thing for her, but there have been cases where people follow what the parents want and it turns out to be life threatening for the child. So tell them exactly what you want in writing and why - they have to look after a lot of kids and keep them all safe - if you want a close informal, one to one relationship with someone who understands all the nuances of your DDs issues, you need a medically trained nanny.

Lostinaseaofbubbles · 01/06/2017 10:23

I get why you're pissed off. But you are now just complicating things for yourself when really you don't need the hassle. You just need to do what it takes to get your daughters milk the way she needs it.

Two other thoughts spring to mind
A) have they been making up the formula milk according to your specifications all this time? How do you know?
B) maybe now she's been sick she's made it onto management's radar and there should have been a form for the "incorrectly made" formula all this time. That's what happened with the sharing bottles - No one cared and then management covered a shift because a staff member went home sick and all hell broke loose!

Katefleet · 01/06/2017 10:24

If we had gone in and been given a form to sign the first day - fine. My issue is that they ignored our request - didn't give the option of a form at the time, did something that wasn't ok, she was ill and had to be picked up, and the next time we come in - boom - there is a form.

OP posts:
FathomsDeepAndFallingFurther · 01/06/2017 10:24

But you're husband basically said it was up to them. Confused So it's not surprising in that scenario they're going to go with their existing guidelines.

Now you've explained they're happy to do what you ask.

Katefleet · 01/06/2017 10:25

Well this is it. Something happens and you're thinking oh god, I leave my most precious jewels with you, and how do I know what's really going on!!!

OP posts:
Lostinaseaofbubbles · 01/06/2017 10:26

Sound like she hit a radar to me!

Katefleet · 01/06/2017 10:28

Don't get me wrong - husband is massively in the doghouse. I guess my feelings are, if everything is so form based today - we can only do something with a signed form regardless of what you as parents say, why did they do something last time without a form based purely on what my husband said

OP posts:
Katefleet · 01/06/2017 10:29

I think what it boils down to is, that signing the form doesn't take away how I feel about the decision they made the other day. And I need to figure out how strongly I feel about that.

OP posts:
Lostinaseaofbubbles · 01/06/2017 10:29

Probably they shouldn't have done but they were trying to be nice.

Isadora2007 · 01/06/2017 10:30

Would an apology help? If so then ask.
If they say your husband said do as they see fit then the issue is with him and not them.
I do understand why you're annoyed but really it is all a bit "locking the stable door after the horse has bolted"
Sign the form now so you can say they have going against your express wishes should the same occur again.
Or leave if the trust is broken.

Katefleet · 01/06/2017 10:30

Thank you everyone though. Appreciate you taking the time to read and respond.

OP posts:
teenybean · 01/06/2017 10:35

If you don't trust them to look after your daughter & follow your wishes, find a different childcare setting.

Katefleet · 01/06/2017 10:38

I know. I guess that's the problem. It's just so hard to find childcare where I live. Jemima was on the waiting list for where she is since I was 12 weeks pregnant. And she was prioritised becasue my son goes there.

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JamAndBread · 01/06/2017 11:01

'My issue is that they ignored our request'
Well they didn't exactly did they? Your husband told them about the milk, they said "no we don't do that", he said "I'll leave it with you". He basically oked it.

I can understand that you're upset by the situation - it sounds understandably stressful and worrying. But I think you need to let it go and think forward now.

Katefleet · 01/06/2017 12:26

Well they did ignore our request. And they chose to go with their opinion which wasn't based on medial advice. They knew what we wanted regardless of what my husband said. And they are asking me to sign a form that says I'm going against their advice. I thinknits arrogant they think their 'advice' supercedes a medical consultant's advice.

OP posts:
Sandsnake · 01/06/2017 12:33

They absolutely shouldn't have given her the milk. You're 100% right about that.

You should sign the form, but I can see why the strident wording of it might rankle with you.

You are absolutely wrong that the nursery should follow whatever the parents' wishes are and that this is 'correct' by default.

PotteringAlong · 01/06/2017 13:19

Well they did ignore our request.

No. Your husband said he'd leave it up to them.

JamAndBread · 01/06/2017 16:45

'Well they did ignore our request.'

How did they? They outright told you they weren't going to do it. Your husband then basically oked this.

Allthebestnamesareused · 01/06/2017 17:03

Sign the form.

The reason they want the form is because you are mixing it up different to the manufacturer's recommendations (albeit in accordance with medical advice).

They will follow your instructions provided you accept it is on your instruction in writing.

It is upsetting that your daughter was sick but in order to prevent it happening again - give your written permission as they have asked.

The reason they want it in writing is so there is no comeback on them. Its your choice. If you don't sign they won't do it. Will you leave daughter there if they won't do it because you won't sign? It is as if you are cutting off your nose to spite your face. Have you alternative childcare for her?

insancerre · 02/06/2017 08:04

Yabu
In my nursery parents wishes do not trump our policies and procedures
Those policies and procedures are written based on current legislation and guidelines, which we have to follow
you should ask for a meeting with her key person and ask for them to do a care plan and you should provide medical back up for your request, i.e. a letter from your doctor
I do think your husband could have been clearer in his instructions
However, I am surprised the nursery has been making the feeds incorrectly

Littlefish · 06/06/2017 22:59

It sounds like you are angry with the wrong person. Your husband said he would leave it up to them. They therefore followed their usual guidelines. The mistake is yours and your husband's. You need to either let the last incident go and put your wishes in writing or find alternative childcare if you feel you can't trust the nursery. If you were at the nursery where I work you would be asked for a letter from your gp or consultant confirming the use of this method of formula preparation as it goes against current guidelines.

lalalalyra · 19/06/2017 02:02

Sounds to me like they are covering their own backs because your husband made it sound like it was ok to just give her neat milk with his "I'll leave it to you" comment.

The nursery manager is probably livid at your husband making it sound the way he did - like it wasn't a big deal for her to have it and now she's sick and you are livid with them.

So, now they are covering their back and wanting back up in the files that this is what is to be done.

Smilingthru · 25/07/2017 09:07

If your that adverse to signing he form, write a letter stating that you wish for he rmilk to be this way, following medical advice and ten sign it. They have their paper and you have your wording.

In the mean time I'd be raising a formal complaint given they know your DD complex history.

jarneyp · 01/09/2017 16:11

Hi, just looking for opinions as to whether I am being unreasonable or not. I have twins who are moving up a room at the nursery they attend. The nursery is great but their menus incorporate a sugary dessert every day which I don't give my children as I don't believe they should have them everyday as a matter of course. They accommodated this whilst they were in the baby room and only gave them fresh fruit and yogurts, etc. Now they are going up a room, they don't allow for food preferences so the twins will have to have sugary desserts. I've asked them not to give them anything at all but they say they can't do this either as it won't be fair to them to sit without a dessert when all the other children are eating theirs. I feel my hands are tied. I do understand that they can't cater to everyone's requests as it would prove impossible to the staff so don't really know what to do except move nurseries.

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