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Is this a red flag or am I being precious?

39 replies

Anonforthisonce · 17/01/2016 15:02

My dd2 attends nursery 3 sessions a week and has a male key person "X"(since September when someone left). She said on Friday (has whispered it once before too) "X is scary" and after a bit of questioning she said he scares her when changing her nappy but is kind the rest of the time. I asked her who she wants to change her nappy and she said the name of a female. She's scared of the hand driers in toilets so I'm just hoping it's that part that is scary but I'm worried. My thoughts are to ask for a new key person with immediate effect and for X to stop changing her nappy. I just don't want it to come across as an accusation Of wrongdoing as she is only two and can't fully tell me what exactly she means by scary. I recently considered moving nursery in preparation for being linked to our preferred school but changed my mind. Shall I just move her?

OP posts:
headinhands · 17/01/2016 15:11

Did she say how he scared her?

hedgehogsdontbite · 17/01/2016 15:18

Not precious at all. This is serious. You need to raise it with someone, but I've no idea who. Would social services be best placed to advise?

Whatdoidohelp · 17/01/2016 15:19

Yanbu. The fact that she has specified it's at nappy change times would terrify me.

DangerMouth · 17/01/2016 15:23

Please follow this up OP. It may just be a case some trivial thing that scares your dd but she's told you how she feels so you really have to.

Vixxfacee · 17/01/2016 15:24

Please don't ignore this. Not precious at all. She doesn't feel comfortable and she's telling you that.

Ipsos · 17/01/2016 15:24

I would just tell the nursery and ask them to change her key person immediately and stop that guy changing her.

When my ds started at pre-school a key worker whispered to me that my son's keyworker could be changed if I wanted it. His keyworker was a very gentle, slow lady and I think they thought he'd be bored. As it happened she was perfect for him and he loved her to bits. I was so glad that he had her. But going by that, I think it's probably fine to ask for a change, and the nursery will want to know.

mrsjskelton · 17/01/2016 15:27

I think it's vital this is mentioned in confidence to the manager of your nursery. They might be able to put in some extra eyes during changing times to explain what she means. You're not accusing anyone of anything here - you're simply trying to decipher what your child is finding scary at this point.

Jesabel · 17/01/2016 15:31

I would ask for a meeting with the manager and/or room leader and tell them exactly what your DD said "X is scary when he changes my nappy" and see what they say. Don't apologise or suggest any theories or downplay it - just tell them exactly what she said.

At a minimum, as she has expressed a clear preference for X not to change her nappy, I would expect that to be adhered to.

Do you know what the set up is with nappy changing - the location of the room, doors and windows etc?

Anonforthisonce · 17/01/2016 15:34

Ok, yes. My first step is to call the Manager first thing tomorrow. She hasn't said what she finds scary but yes this does terrify me if I think about it long enough.

OP posts:
Anonforthisonce · 17/01/2016 15:41

Yes Jesabel, I've been in the nappy change room myself, it's separate from the nursery within the school building and the only thing I can think of that's scary is the hand drier but then she would have said that the nappy zone was scary, not the individual. I will stick to my guns and call the nursery first thing. After all, she is my priority, not him. I keep wanting to ask her more but don't want to make a big thing out of it and her to get worried. Thanks for the advice everyone

OP posts:
insancerre · 17/01/2016 15:46

Poor man!
Would you be doing the same if your dd had said her female key person was scary at nappy time?

Jesabel · 17/01/2016 15:49

Of course, wouldn't you insancerre? Or would you just say "don't be silly child, your feelings don't matter".

Sincerely hope you don't bring an attitude like that to working with children.

Anonforthisonce · 17/01/2016 15:49

Yes, insancerre, I absolutely would. I had a close relative wrongly accused of inappropriate behaviour with children so I am very sensitive about how to approach it.

OP posts:
HSMMaCM · 17/01/2016 15:58

It could well be the hand dryer if he washes and dries his hands before and after every nappy change. The nursery might be able to find out what's scary and set your mind at rest. It's definitely worth raising though. Whether it was a man or woman is irrelevant.

hedgehogsdontbite · 17/01/2016 16:00

Err on the side of caution OP. It won't feel nice to make a fuss if it's all innocent but better that than living with consequences of not acting if it isn't. Forget being PC. Do not put your child into a situation that you are not 100% sure about.

insancerre · 17/01/2016 16:03

If its the nappy changing that is scary then it doesn't matter if it's her key person or somebody else
Is that the problem, the nappy changing? Because I read it as the problem being the nappy changing by a man?
Sorry if I inferred prejudice where there was none

Jesabel · 17/01/2016 16:12

For goodness sake, the child has said her key person is scary and she is scared when he's changing her nappy. Prejudice is irrelevant, she is TWO!

I think you need some safeguarding training asap.

Doublebubblebubble · 17/01/2016 16:18

it's separate from the nursery within the school building Yup. Get this followed up quick. It could well be perfectly innocent but the mere fact a 2 year old would say anything like that nature would terrifying me. Also I couldn't care less if it were a man or a woman imo if your child is scared of someone there tends to be a reason x good luck op x

Whatdoidohelp · 19/01/2016 10:25

OP what happened ? Did you speak to nursery etc?

Anonforthisonce · 20/01/2016 16:05

They couldn't work out what was scaring her, there's no hand dryer in the nappy change zone so the Manager did an observation at nappy change time to see if there was any anxiety showing from her. She was fine when observed so they have said they didn't want to change her key person. She'll be leaving there at Easter. Thanks for all the messages

OP posts:
jendot2 · 20/01/2016 16:18

I wouldn't be happy at all with this response from the nursery. Whether your daughter was 'scared' by a male or female member of staff at nappy changing then the nursery should address this. No child should be scared of a staff member. I wouldn't be making any accusations towards the member of staff and would not want any comeback on this member of staff but I would be very very assertive about insisting that this staff member was not permitted to change my child's nappy EVER. I would expect nursery to be filing this as an incident at the very least. They should actually be reporting this to their local safeguarding team as well.
For non verbal children you must ALWAYS be their speaker and protector!

Whatdoidohelp · 20/01/2016 16:30

Your going to keep her there till Easter?! She has verbalised that she doesn't want a specific person to change her and the nursery haven't agreed to that yet you will send her back there for months! Confused

OffRoader · 20/01/2016 16:48

What's is the nursery's policy in regards to allegations made by children against staff? Because that is what this is.
Even if it turns out to be nothing, there should be safe-guarding procedures in place. It seems like they are trying to brush you off.

My DD wouldn't be stepping foot back in that nursery!

MissyMaker · 20/01/2016 16:55

OP, you said upfront that your DD is the priority, not the key worker (nor I guess any other person at the nursery). Easter is over 2 months away. Given the nursery's rather underwhelming response, I would be moving my daughter away now.

SeasonalVag · 20/01/2016 16:59

Ok, remove her now as they seem unbothered

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