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Nurseries

Find nursery advice from other Mumsnetters on our Nursery forum. For more guidance on early years development, sign up for Mumsnet Ages & Stages emails.

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Original poster

Nursery said my child is a whinger

35 replies

calilark · 28/04/2015 19:16

Today at nursery, I was told my child whinged a lot. Today because she wanted to play outside and then when her favourite worker left the room. Yes, sometimes she is a whinger, and she going through a clingy phase, but she is 21 months old. I am inordinately irritated. Am I being a bit pfb?

*disclaimer - there are a couple of tjings about nursery that are niggling at me so I may be being a little touchy

OP posts:

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Heels99 · 28/04/2015 19:20

Would you prefer they didn't tell you? If so, ask them not to.

Goldmandra · 28/04/2015 19:23

You're not being PFB. They are acting unprofessionally.

Having sat for hours trying to find ways to put a positive spin on my description of children and watch other practitioners do the same, it galls me that people will spout this sort of upsetting nonsense. It makes parents question whether their child is getting any care and affection in the setting.

Children express their emotions openly. The 'whingeing' is your DD trying to tell her carers that she needs something. Why does she feel upset when one worker leaves the room? Why couldn't she play outside when she wanted to and why couldn't they find a suitable distraction if that really wasn't possible?

They are blaming your DD for being unhappy about things they are clearly getting wrong. I would look for another setting where the staff behave like professional adults.

PotatoQueen · 28/04/2015 19:23

I think that might annoy me a bit too. Not very constructive, what do they expect from a 21 month old.

Eigg · 28/04/2015 19:24

I don't know your daughter so I can't comment in her specifically but no, not all 21 month old children whinge. And it is quite annoying for everyone else.

How do you react when she hinges at home?

My lovely friend's (otherwise) lovely DS was a whinger at 2. He's still a whinger at 12 because they never addressed it.

base9 · 28/04/2015 19:24

Did they use that word, whinger? Because that's not on. If they are telling you dd is unsettled or upset when her favourite worker leaves the room ( not unusual at 21 mos).then fine. If they are complaining that she is a whinger, find another nursery.

Jackiebrambles · 28/04/2015 19:24

Them using the phrase 'whinger' would seriously annoy me. It's so negative and horrible about a child.

What other niggles have you got about the nursery?

liveloveluggage · 28/04/2015 19:27

Yes if there is a problem i would expect them to work on it in a positive manner and maybe discuss a way of carrying this over to your home if appropriate or needed.

balia · 28/04/2015 19:27

Did they say 'She is a whinger' or did they say 'She was whingey today' or 'She whinged twice today when...(events you mention)'. Very different things IMO, the first not being acceptable.

SirChenjin · 28/04/2015 19:28

They said whinger? That's absolutely not on and I would be challenging them about their choice of word. If they are complaining because she is unhappy at certain times then I would suggest it might be time to look for another nursery.

MmeMorrible · 28/04/2015 19:28

If they actually called her a whinger, then I would be looking for another, better nursery!

PotteringAlong · 28/04/2015 19:28

Is she a whinger?

bobajob · 28/04/2015 19:37

I wouldn't be happy if they described her as "a whinger".

If they were just letting you know she was whingey today, or she whinged a bit when x or y happened, then I don't see the problem.

holeinmyheart · 28/04/2015 19:38

What? YANBU , how dare they say something so critical about a 21 month old. My retort would be ' so what are you doing to stop her whinging ( isn't that part of their job, comforting a child? ) and ' how exactly do you define whinging in a 21 month year old ? Answers on at least a piece of A4, by tomorrow. That would shut them up.

Your 21 month year old is a baby. She is too young to rationalise, as in , ' if I am very quiet and do exactly as the staff tell me, they will like me better than X ', etc etc.

I would move her. They are stupid and untrained. They are supposed to child development don't they ? They are talking garbage.

No 21 month decides to whinge to annoy. They have very few resources to express their emotions with, and making a noise because they can't get their own way is one of them, it is called frustration.

If this had been said to me I think I would have been outraged.
Xx

duplodon · 28/04/2015 19:43

It's a horrible word, and totally unconstructive and unprofessional in all honesty. It's a 21 month old! It's called COMMUNICATION at that age, not whinging.

duplodon · 28/04/2015 19:45

"I don't know your daughter so I can't comment in her specifically but no, not all 21 month old children whinge. And it is quite annoying for everyone else. "

That's just temperament. So if you want treat little 21 month olds as annoying because you don't like how their behaviour makes YOU feel, that's really a reflection on poor adult management of their own emotions and limited understanding of individual differences in development rather than a reflection on how the child communicates.

Original poster

calilark · 28/04/2015 19:47

She can be a whinger, yes. I imagine all 21 month olds can be. And she is a persistent bugger when it comes to going outside.

Conversation went thus:

keyworker: she's been ok today, I haven't heard her cry very much...
me:...as in, very much for a change?
kw: yeah, she sometimes is a bit of a...
me: pain? a bit whingey?
kw: yeah, a whinger. she whinged a lot because she wanted to go outside, and then when X left to do a nappy, she didn't stop until she was back

So you could argue that actually I called my child a whinger and they just agreed.

Main niggle is that they seem to change the staff around between rooms every couple of months so there is no continuity, and because the days are long, I never hand her over to/pick her up from the same person. But perhaps that is just the nature of nursery?

I don't know, perhaps I am being pfb overall. I wonder if a childminder would be a better fit for me ha!

OP posts:

base9 · 28/04/2015 19:49

So she has been crying a lot but they have not told you?

Original poster

calilark · 28/04/2015 19:52

I did wonder that base9

I am good friends with her old keyworker so might chat to her about this. Problem is, DD adores her and so is always happy and sunny when she is around because her love for her knows no bounds!

OP posts:

PotteringAlong · 28/04/2015 19:53

So you used the word first? I think that's them just agreeing with your language.

bobajob · 28/04/2015 19:57

So you suggested she was whingey and the nursery nurse agreed? They're just telling you she's not crying (distressed), she's whinging if things don't go her way. There's a difference.

Eigg · 28/04/2015 19:57

duplo I do understand that different children have different temperaments (wasn't that my point?)

I have no problem managing my emotions with either my children or anyone elses, but thanks for the input.

All our behaviour management of small children is about teaching them what is acceptable in society so I do find it a little odd that you criticise me for expecting that a parent would manage out habits such as whinging. In the same way you manage out hitting or tantrums or whatever your own little darlings particular specialty is.

Personally I think that's our job as parents but perhaps you don't agree?

Back to the point OP if you suggested the term to the key worker that would indicate that you recognise it as a behaviour. Of course at not quite 2 you aren't going to be instantly remove the behaviour but you can start encouraging improvements.

RabbitSaysWoof · 28/04/2015 19:57

You put the words in their mouth.

Goldmandra · 28/04/2015 20:00

That is them agreeing with your language but I would expect the staff to still use more appropriate language themselves.

I would also expect them to at least be describing how they tried to manage her being upset and what distractions they tried to use.

They should have a keyworker system that enables children of this age to build attachments with their carers. If they are swapping staff around every few weeks that isn't going to happen and some of the children will be unhappy because they don't feel secure.

You may well find your child is happier in a setting with more stable staffing arrangements which could mean a different nursery or a childminder.

duplodon · 28/04/2015 20:06

Eigg, your comment was pretty cutting in the original context.

Our job as parents is to respond and shape our children's behaviour in developmentally appropriate ways. Suggesting that "whinging" is some sort of aberrant behaviour in a 21 month old really is about keeping adults comfortable rather than supporting children's development.

Please explain how you would manage the "habit" of "whinging" in a 21 month old.

measles64 · 28/04/2015 20:13

Children are different, some are needier than others, that is their personality if the staff cannot recognise that they are a little ignorant. She is only 21 months for heavens sake and cannot be expected to understand that she cannot go outside when she wants in a nursery setting.

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