Nursery said my child is a whinger

[calilark]

Today at nursery, I was told my child whinged a lot. Today because she wanted to play outside and then when her favourite worker left the room. Yes, sometimes she is a whinger, and she going through a clingy phase, but she is 21 months old. I am inordinately irritated. Am I being a bit pfb?

*disclaimer - there are a couple of tjings about nursery that are niggling at me so I may be being a little touchy

This would have annoyed me too - she's very little to be labelled like that. And I do think there's a subtle but important difference between your "a bit whingy" (which makes it sound like something she does occasionally), and her "a whinger" (which makes it sound like her defining characteristic.)
My dd's nursery have always told us she's a bit of a diva, knows her own mind etc, but in general made it sound like they value her determination as a strength (as, indeed, do we). And in general they acknowledge that she's well behaved and nice - what I'm trying to say is that they leave us in no doubt that they like her - this is what I would expect/hope for.
However, I do remember a worker there once, she was short-term staff I think, when dd was going through a (dare I say it), whingy phase, commenting on this as if it was a big annoyance to her, and asking was she like it at home. I brushed it off with a "No, but as an only child she's used to getting lots of attention". (True), but I was pissed off, and had it happened again I'd have maybe met with someone more senior, to say, look, is dd actually unhappy at nursery, and if so let's not just bitch about it - what can we do together to address it?
Good luck.

Yes, I realise seeing it written down like that, that it was them agreeing with me, not them calling her a whinger. I think it was a bit of a kneejerk from me - should have sat back and thought before posting!

I think though that I might look properly at moving to a cm

Lovelydiscusfish (good name!) I think actually you've got it exactly.

DD is an only child, she is used to lots of attention. I understand she won't have 1-2-1 attention at nursery and I want them to foster & encourage her independence, but I don't want her ignored when she ia upset & whingey because she can't adequately communicate her frustrations.

Lovely - great post, spot on, and quite frankly if a nursery assistant finds it annoying then they are in the wrong job.

That was quite a drip feed OP. So you actually described her as whingey as they used your term to describe her behaviour.

sorry, I disagree about the drip feed. I made my initial post, then wasn't able to post the conversation until after bedtime. Not really a drip feed. Can't make a post whilst endlessly singing Iggle Piggle's song as a lullaby!

Thanks all for helpful thoughts & advice.

Duplo my original post wan't meant to be cutting (apologies to Cali if she read it that way).

You are misrepresenting my comments though, I didn't say the OP's wee girl was 'aberrant' for goodness sake or anything close to that.

I only said that not all 21 month olds whinge (demonstrably true) and therefore it shouldn't be assumed that the whinging was necessarily an immutable part of being 21 months old.

I don't know why you find the idea that you can gently and positively manage behaviour in 2 year olds so appalling. It's not really, most parents do it every day.

Best wishes Cali I'm glad the thread has been useful and given you some food for thought.

And you are misrepresenting, too.

I appreciate now that you are saying it wasn't your intent, but your original comment seemed a bit shaming, as though 'whinging' was down to parental fault and a 'good' parent who 'managed' behaviour wouldn't have a 21 month old who whinged. It also looked as though you were saying that if you respond to a child 'whinging' at 21 months old, you will have a 'whinger' at 12. 30+ years of developmental and behavioural psychology suggests the opposite.

In all honesty, in 20 years of working with young children I'd say the 21 month old who doesn't 'whinge' is a rare child indeed. Sometimes, in fact, a child you worry about being less vocal and more passive than you would like a 21 month old to be.

You also mentioned nothing about 'managing' this behaviour positively or gently in your post and you still haven't given an indication of how a parent would manage a 21 month old in such a way that what THEY do would be directly responsible, aside from a child's temperament and developmental progress, for ensuring that a 21 month old NEVER whinges.

I know of only two likely scenarios where this can happen: where a child's every need is anticipated and responded to before they can protest about it, or where a child's needs are never responded to if they demonstrate any distress in their response, so they lose the sense that sharing distress with a caregiver has a reinforcing function.

Neither is really optimal, to be honest. 'Whinging' is just communicating with some low level distress because something confuses you - usually in your 21 month old egotistical state that you can't have something you want. There are positive and gentle ways to manage the emotions that arise when this occurs and to support a child in developing communication skills and understanding of the world to reduce incessant whinging, but to expect that at 21 months, an adult can 'manage' this behaviour so that it never occurs is a bit OTT.

In any case, it seriously annoys me when the reason given for managing very young children's distress is because it might annoy other people. No, the reason to manage it is because it's important for a young child to learn to communicate and regulate their emotions for their long term well-being.

Excellent post duplo

Spot on duplodon