Reported to children's services by nursery

[Happymummy22]

Hi all. Just wanting some advice really. I'm absolutely disgusted to even have to write this as I don't even know how/why we are here.
My son has been going to a private day nursery for around 9 months now, he's 3 and is in preschool. After the initial settling in period he has since then been happy to go to nursery every day whilst myself and his dad go to work. He has lots of friends and has progressed alot since deciding to send him to nursery. A couple of days ago I got a phone call out of the blue after dropping my LB off at nursery an hour earlier to 'he has a bruise where a child wouldn't not get a bruise, do you know where it has come from?', with the most suggestive and insinuative tone I have ever heard. After explaining that I had got
Him dressed, given him his breakfast and wiped his face (as a mother generally does!) that morning, to my knowledge there was absolutely no marks on him (and no reason for there to be!!) the conversation that followed basically made me feel criminal for not knowing why a mark (that wasn't there) was there. I was told my comments would be written down and that was the end of the call. As far as I was aware (we have never encountered ANYTHING like this before) this was the end of it and (after crying for an hour at what was being suggested) I went off to work.

After an hour at work I recieved a call to say they had reported my comments to children's services (I was never told that anything would happen further to the first phone call) who had then come to the nursery and were there keen to speak to me. I of course obliged willingly and told them I would be there Asap along with his father. I then recieved a call back to say the social workers want to see us at our home.. Which obviously I agree to ( unsure what on earth is now going on).

Upon visitation at home we are asked all sits of ridiculous questions about our circumstances (again, nothing like this has ever happened before and we are in shock as to why on earth we are here at this stage) and who disciplines our child etc. we are told that our son had told one of the adults in exact words 'daddy did my cheeky the wall' no specific verb or action.. Which to me could mean Anything?! He's 3 and although he is quite coherant there aRe of course many things He doesn't understand and has a vivid imagination!!

Anyway, after an assessment (and most unwelcome intrusion) by the social workers, we were told that they saw no mark on our child once they saw him and they had no concerns or issues. That we would recieve a letter in the next few days to say no action has been taken and they were more than satisfied.

My issue is with how the nursery went about this. Don't get me wrong as i am more
Than aware that they have child protection procedures to follow however my child has been hysterical about going to nursery since this day, which has never happens before. We were told that although nothing was found to be of prevelence, the report would stay on our/his file. It has caused a huge tension as my partner is now scared to go near my son incase he tells the nursery something and they take it the wrong way. We are both on egg shells with him ensuring that he understand what we are saying incase he misinterprets it and tells the nursery and this issue occurs again.

I guess my question is, how do I complain In this situation? Surely they can not interfere in innocent peoples lives so easily and affect us this way with no real reason?? I would be interested in other peoples opinions As I am very unhappy and need to take this further.

Thanks in advance

You're not allowed to photograph injuries. We are not the investigators. We can't question, clarify, detain, photograph or accuse. Just report observations and comments exactly as we recall and pass it on to LSCB. It's their job to investigate and that's all that was done. I'm sorry if you don't like it but it is all practitioners legal obligation to do so. Yes we sometimes get it wrong but it's not our call not to report it.

When my kids went to nursery, if they had a bruise or injury on arrival the nursery would make a note of it - I assumed it was to protect themselves against claims but it makes more sense that it was child protection procedures thinking back.

I remember taking dc1 (age3) in to nursery when he'd had stitches in his eyelid - the three of us had been in our bed one Saturday morning, DH got up to go to the toilet, dc1 went to roll over in his place, rolled too far and banged his eye on the corner of the bedside cabinet. It looked horrific after a couple of days when the full bruising came out. Anyway, the hospital asked us both what had happened (obviously making sure the stories matched - fair enough), they had a little joke with dc1, presumably to try and see if he was in anyway upset. Satisfied with our explanations, that was it. Nursery just asked us to fill in something to say he had an injury and had been to hospital.

In this case I'd have been completely ok with someone double/triple checking everything was ok because it was a pretty awful looking injury. In your case OP there was no bruise, and a seemingly OTT response even if there had been a bruise. One bruise. No history. I get why you're feeling a bit, well, betrayed, I suppose. No advice, but I don't think your feelings are misplaced.

**We can't question, clarify, detain, photograph or accuse. Lucky Lopez, does this relate to the child or the parent??

And no I most certainly don't like it, who would like being accused of what they have done when you have done nothing but the best for your child! I understand the need to report if they felt he was in danger but the had no prior reasons for concern and he is a very bright and bubbly child, both at home and at nursery. And nothing has changed about his demeanour to make them question that, apart from the last 2 days since all This happened.

Do you have a right to make people feel criminilised and guilty by the way you speak to them from the offset in these investigations then even when it turns out the the nurserys observations and concerns are found to be completely inadequate??

if one of my staff came to me and said a child had a bruise on his face and the child had said that dad had caused the bruise on a wall, then yes I would report it. It would be my legal obligation to do so, escpecially if I phoned the parent and they were unable or unwilling to explain the injury
What ss did next would be out of my control, but I would have to report it yes
What I wouldn't do is photograph it- an intrusion of privacy and totally unnecessary

But said Injury wasn't actually there... Which is the whole point of all of this.

Well the child. i might say 'oh sweetie have you bumped your face?'
'Daddy did my cheeky the wall' [from OP]
If I worked in a nursery I eoukd tell the relevant safeguarding person (I'm a cm so it's me) and they would be the person to decide. I can't further exam the child with who what why where and whens because that is said to prejudice the case.

Ok but if they thought they saw something and the child responded with the above comment, presumably they still thought there was something to act upon.

Yes of course but the initial phone call was solely to question why I wasn't aware of a bruise in a 'place where a child wouldn't get a bruise' and the tone which was taken pretty much made them sound like they had jumped to a conclusion before I even gave my response... Then there turned out to be NO bruise.. So surely that first conversation (which in term made me feel like a ridiculously substandard mother over something which went on not even to be evident) was not justifiable? And in the event that it was.. The way they carried it out was all wrong in my opinion.

Are you suggesting they fabricated it then? Because I don't know what else to say. It's outrageous to you because you're innocent. Of course they get things wrong all the time but they don't know that at the time, unless you are saying it's a malicious complaint (but why??)

If your son is settled and happy, leave him there. Reception will start soon enough. In the meantime, keep a cool, calm distance. That's what I did.
Years ago, my son's nursery did the same thing because he was soiling his pants on a daily basis. He had a massive fear of the toilets there. It escalated into a situation similar to yours. Instead of being supported by the school and GP/HV all of whom I'd prevailed upon for input, Social Services was called on me, much to my chagrin and surprise, to put it eloquently!

I felt stigmatised, not supported. I muddled through the formalities of Social Services and their visits and phone calls. It was awful and distressing, even though in my heart of hearts I knew there was nothing to worry about. Oh they gave me a lovely report in the end but that pissed me off even more! It was like I had to sit for some examination as a parent. Onthe up side, they were very nice, not intimidating, and to a degree I got that this is part of the job, but still... :-(

The nursery was attached to the school DS ended up starting reception in and the experience followed me. I couldn't let it go, probably because we continued schooling on the same premisis. It left a very bitter taste in my mouth. My son, by reception was totally settled and never looked back. School was positive for him after the whole nursery experience, but there were parents there who viewed my son as "shitty pants" and me as the "dreadul mum who had SS called on her." It was traumatic and I couldn't shake the feeling. We eventually just moved away and turned over a new leaf. DS is nearly 13 now and has done incredibly well. I sometimes go back to that experience in my mind. The gossip was the worst. And I always felt 'ashamed' thereafter around the teachers. It was good to leave.
You will be able to do this in September and nursery will be a distant memory. MY DD was very unsettled last year in nursery, moved to her new school in September this year to start reception and we've forgotten about nursery already!

I feel for you. And I know you'll get through it. Keep a cool head and a cool distance. Don't talk to staff unless you really must. The more you engage with them, the more your son will become their 'porject' at the expense of other kids and at the expense of your peace of mind. I speak from experience, sadly. I just kept my powder super dry. Nursery workers may feel upset by my comments, but hey, you live it you learn it. I find they hone in on you once you've had too much attention drawn to you. It's human behaviour.

'porject' meant to say project!

I expect they phoned you expecting you would say your ds had tripped over your dh's feet and banged into the wall. When you had no idea, I think they had to report. They saw a mark and your son's statement aroused suspicions. I'm surprised it was investigated as quickly, but I don't think it's a bad thing. I'd rather see them get it wrong this way than the other way.

I know it hurts. I was referred to children's services for the most ridiculous reason in the world: I'd contacted a therapist to ask for sessions in my pregnancy as I had previously had PND and wanted to seek therapy to prevent a recurrence.
In my email I mentioned that in my PND I had experienced frequent distressing images of harm coming to my children, for example imagining them being killed in a car accident or finding my baby dead in the cot. Despite this being a common symptom of PND and indicating NO threat to my child AND that I had mentioned I was already receiving services from a perinatal mental health team, I got a response to say that they had to report me to cs as I had mentioned harming my children. Now a) I hadn't (though many women do have worries about this as part of PND) b) I was seeking additional support and c) I was already known to a variety of services who were better placed than this random person to assess my children's well-being. In my case, CS didn't even call out, they sympathetically chatted to me on the phone and checked out with my HV that I was getting support.

Still though... even though it was highly distressing, I wouldn't have complain. I got back onto the therapist and explained how it was a symptom of PND and sent him links in a very friendly way and we exchanged a few friendly emails and wished each other well.. for too many children, there's too little reaction, not too much. You know your child is safe. Be grateful for that in your heart and let go of this distressing experience.

How to put a lot on peoples backs up in one unthoughtfull remark quietlysuggests
donkir this the procedure our Pre School follows also..