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Nurseries

Find nursery advice from other Mumsnetters on our Nursery forum. For more guidance on early years development, sign up for Mumsnet Ages & Stages emails.

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Original poster

Missing clothes, left to cry, tummy aches - is this normal?

87 replies

Cakehead · 11/05/2006 13:59

Forgive me if this is a bit long. My 9-mth-old started nursery 2 months ago. After a few weeks, some of her clothes went missing. First it was a new top (the first time she'd worn it). Then it was a pair of trousers. This week it's her new sunhat, worn just once. Each time the staff just said they'd looked and couldn't find the items. They almost imply they've not had them. I persisted in asking each day if they'd turned up, but they said no. They also said that as she was the smallest child there, they wouldn't have put them in another child's bag. So that was that. I've started labelling her clothes but the sunhat disappeared, name and all. Two weeks ago, I went down to collect my LO, and she was just sat in a corner, crying - not like her at all. Her carer said 'she had to learn she couldn't be picked up all the time', which I agree with. But it's not like her to be clingy, so I was worried. The next day she came down with a stinking cold that lasted a week, so she'd clearly been feeling unwell.I can't help feeling that they should have had a bit of patience with her - it's not like her to cry so they could have guessed something was up. I'd rather have come and got her early. When I picked her up yesterday, she cried for an hour when we got in. They told me she'd got too tired to eat her lunch, so she'd gone to sleep without lunch and then they'd given her a crumpet when she woke up. She'd eaten it all, apparently, but I think it gave her tummy ache. Am I being over-protective? Is this just part of the nursery experience? This is a privately run nursery which has a good reputation where I live. I'm seriously thinking about giving up work as a result...

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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1Baby1Bump · 11/05/2006 21:45

exactly!

Blackduck · 11/05/2006 21:47

ds has been at the same nursery since he was 5 months (now 3 yrs) - in that time we have lost one fleece (sure it went home with another parent who liked it and didn't send it back) and I don't label....occasionally I get stuff that isn't his - I simply send it back...#
foodwise - we provide, but if they don't eat the staff will rustle up toast or something appropriate...
NEVER left to cry!
Forget the reputation -if you are not happy find somewhere/one else...
knew ds was going to be okay when on the day we went in we left him in is car seat and came back to him being cuddled by a member of staff who announced 'I want lots of cuddles with this one'....

hulababy · 11/05/2006 21:51

Not reasd other posts bar OP. But no, this is NOT normal for a nursery at all and you really do need to take this up with them, and if you can no favourable response you may need to consider removing here and placing her elsewhere. This nursery does not, at the moment, seem to be doing its job properly.

DD has been in two diifferent day nurseries over the past (nearly) 4 years. First one she went to from about 22 weeks to 2y4m. Second one she started at 2y5m and is still there at 4y1m. She sadly leaves in September to start big school! We have had a total of one item go missing in that time. Then it was returned the following week by a parent who had taken it home by accident. Every out of character behaviour is noted and discussed with us when we collect her. they often notice her feeling poorly before we get the chance, and they certainly picked up ont he chicken pox before we did! Children and babies are not left to cry for any legngth of time at all. They are dealt with in some way within a minute or so and usually immediately. There is sufficient staff to allow for this. DD's carers have all been so lovely and caring, and really obviosuly want to be there and are always actively with the children. Even if a hild is just having a bit of a down day and feeling a bit left out or whatever, they always try to encourage them and soon have them joining in playing.

Don't let this bad experience put you off nurseries in general. Our experience has always been great and I thoroughly recommend day nursery in general.

MadamePlatypus · 11/05/2006 23:25

Haven't read whole thread, but at DS's nursery if a baby cries they are picked up!

frumpygrumpy · 11/05/2006 23:52

Not read all the thread but just wanted to add that I'd look around for another nursery. I disagree strongly about needing to learn not to be picked up. She's 9 months old fgs. She needs to have just as many cuddles as she gets at home, as many as makes her feel secure, these carers are paid to do that. I know they have lots of kids and a routine to follow but their first priority is the children. And its their job to look at the bigger picture and work out what might be wrong. OOOOh I'm mad for you.

frumpygrumpy · 11/05/2006 23:55

And "is this normal?", no. Our nursery is spot on with clothes, tell me truthfully if its been a great day or a bit of an unhappy day, always put on metanium if theres a bit nappy rash and I've requested it, send home extra scones if they've baked (for the other of my DTs if only one is in) etc etc. It might have had a good reputation but thats only as good as the people that work there. Good luck.

milward · 11/05/2006 23:57

Do you want your child to "learn she couldn't be picked up all the time"?? why are they doing this when it goes against your parenting ideas?? - Don't they care what you think & what your child needs. Sounds awful - look for another childcare solution.

bubble99 · 12/05/2006 00:03

I'm a nursery owner and I would definitely suggest you look for either another nursery or a childminder. You should be able to feel totally confident that you are leaving your DD with caring and kind staff.

chipmonkey · 12/05/2006 00:22

I would think that the very least, the very least they should do is to make sure the child is fed! My ds always gets his lunch and tea and I'll always be told whether his appetite has been up to it!

arfishymeau · 12/05/2006 01:15

I think it's also not "what's normal" but if you are happy with it. If you aren't happy with how a childcare provider treats your child, regardless of whether you feel you are over-reacting or not, you should deal with it in some way.

I would have gone mad if my DD had been left to cry at any time. I'm ferocious about nurseries and keep a gimlet eye on them the whole time - drop in unexpectedly, immediately raise any concerns with the manager and have moved DD between nurseries when I have been unhappy.

I also only send DD to nursery in clothes that I am happy to be trashed - it saves the trauma. Now she is 3.5 and generally comes home with head to toe paint or spaghetti on her clothes, so it's just not worth it. I buy most of her nursery clothes from Ebay.

My current nursery has just been taken over by a chain and I'm very unimpressed. However, the girls in DD's room are great, and so far I haven't got any issues. I'm watching them closely though for any sign of concentrating more on earning money than the children's welfare, and keep up a dialogue with the manager.

With the crumpet thing, just give them a list of food you think is ok for your DD to have if she sleeps through lunch. I'm sure they have similar lists for the children with allergies, so it shouldn't be a problem. If they are unflexible with this, then move her. Better now than when she is a toddler and will have to re-adjust.

champs · 12/05/2006 01:23

bah!! a 9mth old BABY for goodness sake!! of course she should have been picked up.... dont want to make you feel worse so wont rant on(I did type out more but deleted!!), but I would be sooo peeved, how horrid for you. best wishes in finding childcare you're happy with.

threebob · 12/05/2006 01:41

I'm with the nursery on the clothing thing - sending a kid to nursery in brand new clothes is tempting fate. The labelled hat may turn up eventually. buy cheap and never only have one hat.

However "she needs to learn she can't be picked up all the time". is NOT NOT NOT okay. A 9 month old can only cry when they need help - it's communicating. If she is upset and comforted, she will be upset less in the long run - fact.

If this is the way they do things (rather than an odd member of staff who can be "talked" to by the manager), then I think you should find some more loving care for her.

FairyMum · 12/05/2006 07:18

I have put 3 babies through nursery. I would absolutely not be happy if a carer told me my child had to sit and cry in a corner because s/he had to learn. Of course they won't be picked up or cuddled as quickly or much as at home, but if a child is particularly upset then stuff should pick them up and cuddle them! I would be very unhappy with this attitude. Could it just be one of the carers? Can you chat to the manager and find out what she thinks?

TwoToTango · 12/05/2006 08:08

I would be fuming - I think it is outrageous attitude to leave a 9 month old to cry. Of course there are other children but surely anyone who works in child care should have the instinct to want to comfort a distressed child.
What is the staff to child ratio like? I think you should have a word with the manager to make sure your views are on record.
Go with your gut instinct - if she is not happy, you know her best. You need to be totally confident with whoever you leave her with.

FrannyandZooey · 12/05/2006 08:14

The rotten sods.

Sorry to cross to post anything more eloquent.

I hope you can find a good alternative for your dd because these people should not be left in care of babies.

FrannyandZooey · 12/05/2006 08:14

too cross to spell properly as well, evidently

hulababy · 12/05/2006 08:24

Have to agree with the clothes thing. DD has cheap or older clothes for nursery and we keep the better clothes for home. We are terrible at forgetting to label stuff though.

Original poster

Cakehead · 12/05/2006 08:53

I agree about the clothes - we don't send her down in her best gear, but she's our first so we do have to buy new stuff some times. The staffing ratio is 1 carer to two babies, and there are four babies in all in the room, so they're not over-run. DD's the youngest and not crawling yet, but the others are 14, 15 and 17 months, so they're up and about.

It's all just new to me at the moment and I wasn't sure if I was expecting too much. Some days I go in and her carer wants to chat for 10 minutes about how she's been; other times she can barely say hello. I sort of stand their awkwardly fishing for information. And the thing that drives me mad is that this woman can only be 22 or so - and I'm 13 years older yet find her a bit intimidating. And I've got a good job in the city which frequently requires me to throw my weight around and yell to get stuff done, yet when it comes to childcare I'm just treading on eggshells. I've become a complete coward because I don't want to p--- them off...

We're off to see another nursery at 9.30. Fingers crossed.

OP posts:

threebob · 12/05/2006 08:57

When you do take it up with them I would concentrate on the important thing - the not picking up or comforting dd when upset, and completely leave the missing clothes.

Shouldn't they have a crying babies policy?

Original poster

Cakehead · 12/05/2006 08:58

Also, should add that the manageress knew my LO had been crying a lot that day. I phoned in the next day to say she'd got sick and wouldn't be attending, she said 'Perhaps that explains why she was so teary yesterday.' God, why am I so cowardly? I should probably have just said yes, and why did you leave her to cry? Gahh.

Also, my worry about talking to the staff is that even if I complained and the manageress spoke to the carer involved, how do I really know it wouldn't happen again? They might just not tell stuff in future. Anyway, with a bit of luck there won't be a future. I've definitely got to do something, I know. Only half-hour now until I go to see this other one. Thanks for all the thoughts, though. Has helped me feel more confident about it.

OP posts:

threebob · 12/05/2006 09:11

This time you will really know what you are looking for. Good luck.

LeahE · 12/05/2006 09:16

We've only once lost a top at DS's nursery, and it was fairly anonymous-looking and one we hadn't labelled (so other parents would have been unlikely to notice it wasn't theirs if it went home in the wrong bag) so it was pretty much our own fault. And they don't leave them to cry -- in the situation you describe DS would have had lots of cuddles. And on the odd occasions that he's too tired for lunch (he fell asleep IN his lunch once) they give him proper food afterwards, not something like a crumpet.

In your position, if this is the "best" nursery in your area I'd be inclined to look into a childminder instead.

Marina · 12/05/2006 09:37

Good luck with your visit cakehead. I have a responsible job too (in the city as well, but ho ho in education, so possibly not so well paid ), and although most of the nursery nurses I have dealt with have been really good, I know what it is to burble away oh so politely to a scowling miss half my age in a polo shirt with a large stupid rabbit on it. And then come into work and organise big projects/staffing and service issues without a qualm.
Let us know how you get on.

snowleopard · 12/05/2006 10:10

Agree this sounds bad - at our nursery they always save DS's proper lunch for him if he's asleep, and when I pick him up someone always seems to be holding him or playing with him... and they reassure me that if he's been upset they have given him extra attention and cuddles. It's interesting the difference in attitude - after being with me pretty much 24/7 until he was 8 months, my DS also needs to learn he can't have 1-to-1 attention all the time, but the nursery staff say he will gradually learn that, and meanwhile he gets more attention if he needs it.

Having said all this, and even though our nursery is great, I still get tongue-tied and embarrassed about asking them things and stand there apologising for myself to 21-year-olds! I think nursery brings out my old feelings about school from when I was little - I become totally submissive - ridiculous.

Rose32 · 12/05/2006 10:57

Sorry, haven't had time to read all the replies, but my LO has been in nursery since she was six months (she is now nearly 3), and I think what you describe is unacceptable and not the norm. LO has never lost clothes, except when I have donated them to the nursery for their spares box; they would keep her lunch for her if she fell asleep; and she is not left to cry, even now aged nearly three. I don't think 9 month olds have to learn that they can't be comforted, babies and children cry for a reason and it only takes a few minutes to find out why. When LO has been sick or poorly, the nursery phone and I have always arrived to find that they are doing all they can in terms of making her comfortable, bringing her temperature down, whatever. I think if you can find somewhere better, then you should move her. One of my friends moved her daughter from a nursery she wasn't happy at, and she thrived at the new one.

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