Feeling bereft about my relationship with my adult daughter

[KindredSpritzer]

I’m in my late 50s, married with an adult daughter who has left home. I don’t see much of her, but we do speak over the phone, I feel so different to others at work whose kids live close by to them, nipping round for coffee and going shopping. My daughter isn’t anything like that. She hates shopping with a passion and have little in common. We talk of course, but some of the conversation is way over my head. I feel as if I’ve lost some of myself as over the years I always made sure I worked around school hours so I was there for her. I don’t ever regret this of course, but I feel bereft at times thinking of the fun we had when she was growing up. She’s more like my husband who is intelligent and direct.

Sorry, I’m not sure where I’m going with this but I guess feeling a little sorry for myself and probably a bit disappointed we don’t have the relationship I thought we would. I do volunteer for an animal charity which I love, but I feel I miss out family wise so very much. Can anyone relate, advise (kindly) I’m feeling particularly sensitive tonight.

I’m sorry, I have no advice but I wanted to say I think this sounds really hard for you and I wish for you that things could be different. It must be very difficult to long for the kind of relationship that you don’t currently have. Does she have a partner? Do you have nieces or nephews you could spend more family time with?

What do you mean when you say that the conversations are above your head exactly? You don't understand what she's talking about? You're not interested in it?

It's a shame that she doesn't like shopping if that's what you'd like to do with her, but there are surely other ways in which you can bond and spend time together? What does she like to do? And what do you like to do? Is there no common ground, or no possibility of finding any?

What kind of things do you talk about when you speak to her? And what kind of things do you want to talk about?

I think you should invite her for lunch or coffee. Sometimes it’s better to see each other in person than just talk on the phone. Try to find some common ground with her.
I wish I had a mum like you who genuinely cares about her daughter and the new dynamic between you.

You haven’t lost her you’ve both just grown. It’s all going to be okay. 🌸

Why do you even mention feeling
like you lost yourself by working
school hours to be with her if you don’t slightly blame her for this?

do you suggest getting together and she declines?

Does she live far away from you? Can you plan a mother / daughter weekend away for instance or just a day out somewhere? My DD is a very mother to 3 and she works too so we don't get a lot of quality time together. However, as her DC are getting older we try to plan days out or a theatre trip etc.

I don't even talk to my adult daughter on the phone very often and she lives abroad. But we went on a short holiday together last month and it was fun. Could you suggest that?

sorry you’re having a difficult time op - I understand how painful it can be when relationships with adult children aren’t what you hoped.

but - you are still the ‘adult’ in the relationship and the good news is that th is means you can change things.

start reading more challenging things. Find out what she’s specifically interested in and google a beginner’s guide. Not to freak her out with a stalkerish interest in her thing, but so that you can read around it and have a vague opinion on peripheral subjects.
Regardless of why you think you’re not intellectually up to speed with her, We can all, always, take steps to educate ourselves further.

one of the few upsides of AI is to at you can get a huge amount of quite specialist information distilled into easy to digest bites once you get better at prompting it.

not always 100% accurate but certainly good enough to be able to have a chat. And I’m sure it would do your relationship with dh good too.

This is classic empty nest. You need to fill your life up with other things op so that you aren't sat around feeling sad that the lady over the roads dd comes round for a cuppa three times a week. There will also be loads of people near you whose children have moved away. My neighbours dd has just moved to New Zealand.

You mention that you lost yourself a bit, now you need to find yourself. Find some things which interest you and meet like minded people doing them. Study for something, do a horticultural course, learn to sew or paint or something. Anything which will get you out being busy and feeling like you are achieving something. The gaps between seeing your dd won't feel so long.

Yes, she has a partner and they live together. Unfortunately my brother died some years ago, so no family has grown from that side and my husband’s family are small living in New Zealand (not at all close).

I think you should look harder for shared interests. I have more in common in terms of career and intellectual interests with my dad than my mum but we can find things in common. We like some of the same books for example. And baking. There must be something you both have in common, if you really listen to her interests.
also it sounds like you’ve somewhat diminished yourself in your family role, maybe you haven’t fully explored your own interests? Maybe you’ve out yourself send to parenting and no rediscovered your interests? Maybe ask her to show you somewhere or something she loves?

Thanks that’s kind of you Journey. I’m actually busy in my life, work, volunteering, I have a dog and love walking, but it’s the ‘family’ connection I’m missing, if that makes sense.

How far do you live from her? Do you ever suggest meeting up?

Just wanted to say you're definitely not alone, a lot of people never see their adult kids, whether because they live far away, or just have other priorities. Only saying please don't in any way blame yourself. Focus on your life and do whatever you want to do, that at one point you didn't have time for.

We visit one another every couple of months, taking turns.

And despite you wanting more… do you actually suggest more frequent?

what about her father? He joins too? What happens over Christmas?

@Pistachiocake Thank you and yes, I’m going to sign myself up for a local choir. It’s once a week and something I think I might be ok at!

I read this on here recently

"Our children are our worlds, but as they get older, we aren't theirs"

Its brutal but so true.

I understand @KindredSpritzer

So true. Ah..at least I know she’s happy ❤️

One of my sons is interested in some things that I have no idea about. He talks about his hobbies and honestly I have no real clue what half of it means. But I always listen and try to ask questions and remember bits and pieces so that I can say how did you get on with that thing you went to or that idea you tried. We chat about other stuff too.

Basically you have to try to meet people where they are and try to build a connection.

So you don’t suggest meet ups outside the 3/4 get togethers a year?

Yes I agree, as I do the same to keep a connection.

I think it's probably a case of different personalities and interests? You can't force that. Me and my daughter are very different people but we have shared interests so we do a lot together and our super close, we don't live together anymore but we Facetime every day and talk about friends, work, tv shows, celeb gossip, new makeup etc.

My advice is - you need to find a common interest, and if you don't already have one - get interested in something she is. I had to do this with my teenage son. I quickly became an expert in Pokemon, F1 and football. And now he's an adult and we can still strike up a conversation around this when there's nothing else to talk about.

OP, you say your DD has a partner. If she has children, then that’s when you will grow closer again. During my DC’s twenties, they got on with their lives and I wasn’t much involved - they moved away - but once they had DC, they came right back again - not geographically: they still live at a fair distance, but they communicate far more and ask for advice about their DC. So bide your time, OP, and hope for the best. Oh, and if your DD hates shopping, then suggest meeting her for lunch somewhere - no shopping involved.

What are her interests @KindredSpritzer ?
For example if she likes history could you suggest meeting for the day at a historic site between you both, or going to a museum or history talk?

If she likes nature then gardens, or nature reserves etc