Feeling bereft about my relationship with my adult daughter

[KindredSpritzer]

I’m in my late 50s, married with an adult daughter who has left home. I don’t see much of her, but we do speak over the phone, I feel so different to others at work whose kids live close by to them, nipping round for coffee and going shopping. My daughter isn’t anything like that. She hates shopping with a passion and have little in common. We talk of course, but some of the conversation is way over my head. I feel as if I’ve lost some of myself as over the years I always made sure I worked around school hours so I was there for her. I don’t ever regret this of course, but I feel bereft at times thinking of the fun we had when she was growing up. She’s more like my husband who is intelligent and direct.

Sorry, I’m not sure where I’m going with this but I guess feeling a little sorry for myself and probably a bit disappointed we don’t have the relationship I thought we would. I do volunteer for an animal charity which I love, but I feel I miss out family wise so very much. Can anyone relate, advise (kindly) I’m feeling particularly sensitive tonight.

I fully understand what you mean. Both of my DC are lovely and highly intelligent. Also both live in London which is a long way from us.

When they went to university we would catch up every week but now it’s once or twice a month. We have a great time when we’re together but increasingly the conversation is above me. DH is extremely well read so is fine. I’m best at the emotional side and am less needed.

I’m really glad that they are independent and are spreading their wings, but secretly miss having them around.

@whiteroseredrose I can relate. It’s lovely to see them but she’s very different to me. Thanks for posting.

I am the daughter in this scenario -was telling a friend yrsterday that I’m not the sort of daughter that other people’s mums have and that my mum would prefer😀 I live about 2 hours away from my mum and am glad we’re not closer because we have nothing in common. I hate shopping, not remotely interested in all the neighbours’ ailments, love exercise and sport and traveling independently, have a very active social life. I see my own adult children about every other month/am interested in what they’ve been doing and their plans but no desire to see them more often.
My life is my friends, not my family.
I think it is up to people to forge their own interests, and not expect their children to do it for them.

You say she's more like your DH - is she closer to him? Do they have more to talk about? Just wondering if the 'things in common' is actually a bit of a red herring and maybe she is just a bit more independent than you, or than you envisaged your grown-up child(ren) being?

If she's more like your DH, what do you and he talk about? What sort of things do you enjoy doing together? Is there anything like that you could do as a 3, rather than hoping she comes round to more stereotypical mother-daughter things like shopping/spa days? (Not that there's anything wrong with those things, or with hoping she'd have grown into liking them! But you are where you are, and you are both the people you are, so it's probably better to put your energy into trying to find ways to connect that you'd both enjoy, than carry on hoping things had been different.)

So you meet every 8 weeks roughly? That seems normal to me. I have different interests to my DD, so I worked really hard to understand her interests and learn more about them, which she really appreciated.

Don’t be hard on yourself. Your relationship sounds fine to me.

How far away does she live?

I was the daughter in this scenario, I mainly went home to see my friends in my 20s and 30s. It did change once I got engaged with wedding planning etc and then when we had DCs, but there were definitely a few years when we just didn't connect, Mum was still really busy with her career, social life and hobbies, me with mine, we didn't share any interests (she doesn't like shopping, cinema, theatre, eating out and no interest in popular culture or sport). She also didn't show any interest in my career. I don't know if she felt like you do or not TBH but I do think it would have helped if she had made more effort to find common ground. But I do think it is very common to only see adult children once every few weeks / couple of months, life is busy.

Why is the conversation way over your head? Is it about some kind of niche subject - I don't know - astronomy, quantum physics? What sort of things is DD interested in?

The other thing that didn't help with me and my mum was that she let my Dad do all the house and car maintenance and family finances etc so during my 20s when those were the sorts of things I needed advice with (car buying and maintenance, buying first house, then DIY and decorating, pensions, you name it) it was always Dad I turned to, are those areas in which you could show interest and maybe support her?

Oh we have our own interests, that’s not the issue 😀